Slap & Tickle

“Bitch Slap” review, come and get it.

How to get Bitch Slapped

Expectations are a hell of a thing. Set them too high, and you will almost always be disappointed. Set them too low, and you’ll end up owning three copies of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” So when it comes to “Bitch Slap,” I would like to help shape your expectations to facilitate maximum enjoyment during your viewing experience.

[For maximum enjoyment of this post, click images to embiggen.]

1. Expect to see a lot of cleavage.

2. Expect the plot to be convoluted.

3. Expect there to be an extended slo-mo water fight for no apparent reason.

4. Expect to learn more euphemisms for female genitalia than you ever knew existed.

5. Expect your enjoyment to increase with the number of drinks and/or lesbians and/or drinks with lesbians that accompany your viewing.

“Bitch Slap” is not a great film, but it is 100 minutes with three smokin’ hot ladies in really tight clothing doing sexy, ridiculous or violent things to each other – often all at once. So, you know, better than “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Considerably. I actually found I enjoyed it more the second time I watched it. And I really, really enjoyed some scenes more the second (and third, perhaps even fourth) time I watched them.

Check AfterEllen.com for my comprehensive, though no less cleavagey, review in the coming days. Until then, did I mention there was a lot of cleavage? This is a point I feel cannot be understated.

Lesbians on a Stake

It’s not even the new year yet and two films are already vying for your campy gay dollar. In one corner, “Bitch Slap.” Oh, kittens, you know “Bitch Slap” what with its boobs kick-ass women, boobs big-ass explosions and boobs teeny-tiny assassin named Hot Pocket. And in the other corner we have “Lesbian Vampire Killers.” Clearly, the producers were going for “Snakes on a Plane” levels of clarity when it came to the name. Yet in that seemingly simple three-word title the thorny issues of grammar and syntax still manage to rear their heads. Are these lesbian vampires who kill? Or are these people who kill lesbian vampires? Turns out it’s the latter, which kind of makes me less excited. And, oddly enough, so does the trailer.

You see, the thing about “Bitch Slap” that has me so excited is that its three super-sexy stars seem to be in on the joke. They are the sheroes. Sure, they wear short skirts and flash ample cleavage, but from all appearances they’re the ones in charge. But with “Lesbian Vampire Killers,” the lesbians are, well, the prey. They are the hunted. They are there to titillate the menfolk but ultimately meet the business end of a very pointy stick. And that is just an entirely different dynamic. Now, I could be wrong. It’s hard to make an accurate assessment from 51-seconds of largely voiceovers and bold-faced fonts. (Side Note: Um, did the “Lesbian Vampire Killers” people have to copy the exact same font as the “Bitch Slap” people? Originality: Fail.)

Taken separately all the parts of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” should bring me joy. Killers? OK, why not. Vampires? Sure, I loved Spike. And lesbians? Thank you, ma’ma, may I have another! Yet it just doesn’t fill me with the same ohmyfuckinggodhowawesomewasthat glee as “Bitch Slap.” Granted, none of its stars have emailed me yet either. So, you know, I can be swayed. But right now when it comes to my campy gay dollar you know where I’m going. Bitch, please.

p.s. Hmm, that exited/excited thing was entirely accidental/Freudian in nature. Must seek couch now.