Really, Ilene? Really?

Kittens, I’m back! Did you miss me? I sure missed you. But while I was gone something terrible happened. Something really, really terrible.

Did you catch “The Real L Word” on Showtime last Sunday?

Perhaps the greatest oxymoron of our time is the term “reality television.” It exists almost exclusively in a realm devoid of reality. It trades in artifice. It rejoices in the shameless. It is, of course, anything but real. So into that conceit comes “The Real L Word.” We should be trained by now to know that any show with “Real” in the title is no such thing. Be it Housewives or World, it’s an utter sham.

So then the only question left to answer is intent. Is the intent of a show to present as real a portrait of a slice of our complex humanity as possible within the false constraints of television, or is the intent to merely titillate? If you listen to Ilene Chaiken and company, the goal of TRLW is to show real lesbians. But not just any lesbians, The L Word “brand” of lesbians. A lesbian which Mama Chaiken says is defined by “aspiration and culture and popular culture and ambition and affluence in varying degrees.”

What does that mean for those of us playing at home? Well, if you watched (and I rather hope you didn’t, unlike me), you know for sure what this show is not about. This show is not about relating or reflecting. This show has no desire to enlighten or elucidate. This show only hopes to instill two of our deadliest sins in its viewers: lust and envy. Lust because, ZOMG look at these hotties having hot sex. And envy because, ZOMG don’t you wish your lives were like these hotties having the hot sex. Also, did we mention they’re more rich/attractive/successful/fashionable and all-together fuckable than you are? No? Because they totally are.

Who are these women who signed up willingly to find out what happens when lesbians stop being polite and start getting real? I have no idea. What I see is just privilege, posturing, pompousness and pleasure cruising. And then there’s Tracy, who seems oddly nice. What’s that all about? That being said, they could all have untold layers – contemplative inner lives, restless social consciousnesses. But that’s not what the lens shows us, or even wants us to see.

Now, clearly, to have expected deep social commentary from this show is to be a fool. So all we have left is the fantasy. But the show doesn’t even deliver on that. Watching vapid lives play out vapidly is just boring. Off-camera moans and on-camera strap-ons is not pleasure, the guilty kind or otherwise. Porn is at least honest in its purpose.

It is probably unfair – albeit understandable – to expect a higher social conscience from those purporting to portray queer life for the masses. The burden is indeed heavy, but the obstacles we face are still real, still painful, still very much there. Until they aren’t there the double standard will exist: Straight entertainment needs only to entertain; queer entertainment should entertain and educate.

“The Real L Word” manages to fail at both. This isn’t real. This isn’t fun. It’s just deeply shallow. It presents lesbian life as a never-ending night at the club. It asks no larger question than Gucci or Dolce & Gabbana. It thinks we’ll be awed by the “Power of the Clam.” And this, this is what Ilene Chaiken thinks we should all aspire to. These are the kinds of lesbian, the kinds of “stories” she thinks are worth telling in our community.

She is wrong. She could not be more wrong.

In the end, I just don’t care. I don’t care about these women. I don’t care about their lives. I don’t care who they sleep with. I don’t care who they don’t sleep with. I don’t care how much they spend on their wedding. I don’t care if their models aren’t hot enough. I don’t care if they shoot sunshine out of their crotches. I just don’t give a fuck, flying or otherwise.

Though I guess things could be worse. I could be forced to watch the entire series. Now that would be truly terrible.

Start getting real

Oh, kittens. This makes me so, so…tired. I’m already tired. Not that these gals don’t all seem perfectly nice and maybe genuine and possibly even hot. It’s just the packaging, the promotion, the pretty much everything makes me want to go eat a sandwich. In fact, watch this while I go make a sandwich.

I mean, how I’m not sure if you caught it but the preview stresses that these are REAL! LIVE! LESBIANS! No, really, real lesbians – real ones. We swear, they’re real. Look, they even kiss girls. On camera. REAL! But then they pick possibly the least real place on the planet (no offense, L.A., but you know it’s true) to set their show. To wit, almost every cast member – except for Papi Rose – is in this business we call show. So, yeah, just like every other lesbian you know.

But while the behind-the-scenes preview is one thing, the cast bios on the Showtime website are quite another. What aspiring romance novelist wrote this stuff? “Tracy is every girl's dream…” “Jill is the girl all the guys want, but only one girl has.” “But Rose is altar-skittish and may be too wild to be tamed by one flame.” Now that’s some “Sweet Valley High”-worthy writing right there.

Also, when the preview wasn’t emphasizing its realness, it was pumping up its drama. Did you know there’ll be drama? Girls, together, lesbian girls, tattoos – DRA-MAAAAA! But then what would you expect from the true story of six lesbians who live in Los Angeles and have their lives taped for Showtime to find out what happens when lesbians stop being polite and start getting real.

Other interesting statement from the promo:
1. “This has never been done before.”
Um, yes it has. “Curl Girls.” “Gimme Sugar.” Yeah, it really has.
2. “I have faith that the show will really accurately portray who we are and want to celebrate us.”
Wait, you saw “The L Word,” right? I mean, especially that last season – the one with the dead girl in the pool. Celebrate!
3. “I could be fucked.”
So could we all, so could we all.

The only really good thing about promo is it never mentioned Mama Chaiken by name. But they did mentioned it’s “from the creator of ‘The L Word’” twice, so that pretty much negates any semblance of humility. In the end, I’m just don’t feel like I need to see the lives of a bunch of pretty, well-heeled, finely polished L.A. lesbians to in any way validate, illuminate or elucidate my life. Will I watch to see cute girls kissing? Maybe. What can I say, my deeply shallow side sometimes wrests control of the remote away from my dorky PBS side. But both sides insist we fast forward through the drama.

p.s. I know this is probably a terrible thing to say and she is undoubtedly a lovely person, but Nikki (the non-tattooed blonde one) looks like she wants to EAT OUR SOULS. Seriously, she wants to suck them out of our eye sockets and spread them on toast. Toast which she will then feed her dog because, come on, that woman hasn’t eaten a carb since the Clinton administration.

Get Real

Speak of the devil. Mention “The L Word” and up pops Mama Chaiken.

In two quotes to emmys.com, Ilene Chaiken reminds us why her creations both enthrall and enrage. Talking with the magazine about her new spin-off reality series, “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” which is expected to launch this summer. The show has been cast and already begun filming in all the gayest of nooks and crannies around LA.

So why did IFC want to create TRLW: LA?

“When The L Word ended, I received so much feedback from fans who wanted more and, really, the show could have gone on and on. Doing the reality show is a logical continuation of the storytelling and a fresh way to circle back to it seamlessly without taking a year off.”

And why will it succeed?

“There’s nothing else on television that tells these stories and continues to shatter stereotypes. We can delve into issues that we could only scratch the surface on in the scripted show.”

So, essentially, she thinks she has us by the short and curlies.

Now, call me dense (many have), but it seems to me you can delve into any and all issues on a scripted show because it is just that, scripted. You write it, you control what issues you talk about, you decide what issues get addressed. You, you, you. But on reality shows, the real people dictate what issues get touched upon, what issues they talk about, what issues they address. They, they, they.

There is no limit to creativity. There are limits to reality. They’re called facts. Crazy, I know.

As for the reality series as a “logical continuation of the storytelling,” I also beg to differ. But at least it’s more logical than sending Alice to prison.

Oh, Ilene. The thing is you know that we’re so starved for representation that anything larger than a crumb will feel like cake. But I fail to see how going to a genre known for hot tub hookups and barroom brawls will “shatter stereotypes.” Also, I claim 11 minutes in the “How Long Will it Take for a Cast Member to Get Naked” pool.

Though, that’s the only kind of pool I’d suggest in connection to the show. If Ilene puts a real one in it’s going to be an awfully short season, what with all the unexplained drownings and all.

Shit just got real

This is the story (true story!) of six lesbians picked by Mama Chaiken to live in Los Angeles and have their lives taped to find out what happens when lesbians stop being polite and start getting real: “The Real L Word: Los Angeles.”

Sounds like a joke; really, really isn’t. Ilene Chaiken is back, like the unkillable creature from every horror movie you can’t believe you’re still watching at 1 a.m., with a new series for Showtime. Ilene has signed a nine-episode deal with her former employer to bring back “The L Word,” sort of. This time it will be a reality series following six real, live lesbians around Los Angeles.

Oh, fucking hell, where do I begin? No, seriously, WHERE? First, “The Real L Word?” That’s its real title? How unspeakably lame. They couldn’t even come up with a new name? Look, we already have “The Real World,” “The Real Housewives” and even the really silly lesbian reality series “Gimme Sugar.” So how is this in any way original? This is groundbreaking television? And what makes it truly diabolical is that it’s called “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” which means Mama C clearly thinks of it as a continuing series. I can see it limping along just like the real “The Real World” with “TRLW: New York,” “TRLW: San Francisco,” “TRLW: Cancun.” For all I know, Mama C is really thinking big and already plotting for “TRLW: Mars.” Which is also, coincidentally, where I would love to send her.

Oh kittens, this is just so, well, sad. As much as I desperately want and think we rightfully deserve more and better representation of gay women in the media, I sincerely doubt this is the way to get there. While in theory reality shows can be used to illuminate the human condition, in reality they have exploited our more salacious side. It’s all about hair pulling and hot tubs, hookups and hangovers. Could a reality series about the real lives of lesbians be a good thing? Sure. Do I trust Chaiken to take a thoughtful, real look at lesbian lives? Um, you saw the finale, right?