This kiss

Hey, it’s March. And, now that I lost that hour of sleep, also officially spring. Well, spring in my book at least. All you sticklers for “calendars” and “equinoxes” and “facts” will tell me spring isn’t for a week still. But, you know, close enough. And in spring, a young gay lady’s fancy turns to love. And you can’t have love without kissing. And this leads me to the AfterEllen Mach Madness: Ultimate Lesbian Kissing Championships. We’re already in Round 2, and already there have been some bracket busters in my book. Now, I’m not advocating for any kiss over another. Sweet lesbian baby Jesus, do I not want to start a shipping war. I just want to celebrate kissing, period. Because kissing is, well, awesome. And lesbian kissing is the awesomest. So here are a few of my very favorite pop culture lesbian kisses. Some are still in the championships, others not. But what I want to rejoice in instead is just the joy of kissing. So pucker up. Let’s kiss.

Idgie & Ruth, “Fried Green Tomatoes”

Sure, it’s just a chaste little peck on the cheek. But that split second is the beginning. From that moment on, Idgie would do anything to see Ruth’s smile. And we know it, too. And it’s glorious.

Willow & Tara, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Entropy, S6E18)

[Starts at 13:28]
This wasn’t Willow and Tara’s first kiss. This wasn’t Willow & Tara’s last kiss. But it was the kiss that showed more than just the love between these two women, which we always knew was there, but the passion. This was that moment that nothing else mattered, and they just had to be kissing each other. Right now.

Alice & Dana, “The L Word” (Limb from Limb, S1E13)

Of course Dana can’t marry Tonya. Of course. Because of Alice. That’s why.

Bette & Tina, “The L Word” (Let’s Get This Party Started, S5E4)

Three words: Hunger. Anguish. Love.

Naomi & Emily, “Skins” (Katie & Emily, S3E9)

Three more words: Hot. Hot. Hot.

Camille & Petra, “When Night is Falling”

When trepidation mixes with wonder, when desire overtakes fear, you have a kiss that speaks volumes while saying absolutely nothing at all.

So, kittens, now it’s your turn. Show me your smooches.

Alpha Bette City

So last week I sang the praises of that lesbothrob Shane. Shane, Shane, Shane. And, well, it got me a little nostalgic. And what is got me nostalgic for was that glorious creature Bette Porter. Oh, what a specimen. What a magnificent mix of alpha behavior and bossy tendencies. So, so, bossy. What a complicated mess of loyalty and desire, power and weakness, strength and tenderness. And when she wore those power suits, sweet merciful Zeus, how the knees automatically buckled. But it was her flaws that made her so very interesting. Power on its own is rather bland, boring even. But power with problems and all those glorious messy things that make us human? Well, that’s the wonders of Bette Porter. Also, damn, the lady was hot as fuck.

Looking very, oh, you know

You know who I miss? I miss Shane. I know, I know. This is not an original thought. Almost every gay lady has at some point in her life thought, “Jesus, I need a Shane.” But my desire for someone who looks very Shane today has less to do with the physical attributes and mad skills (though, don’t get me wrong – come to mama, honey), but the concept of Shane. The lothario isn’t a role women get to play on screen often. Sure, we get slut shamed. We get branded with the big scarlet letter. But the loveable lothario is something different, something reserved for men and the boys-will-be-boys mindset which deems conquests as laudable achievements. We remain mired in the societal gender constructs which make girl sexuality bad and boy sexuality good. But a character like Shane makes things more interesting, turning those stereotypes on their head and celebrating what once was scorned. Someone who is unapologetic about desire? I like it, I like it a lot. Since then she has been often imitated, seldom replicated. Also, you know, fucking-A Shane was hot. Yeah, sometimes it is what it is.

Fuck that noise

So the internet went major kerplewie at Casa Snarker last night. And being too tired to deal with it I just said, “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Which, if you think about it, is a good way to handle a multitude of life’s trials and tribulations, large and small. Work got you down? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Family driving you crazy? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” ISP trying to ruin your life by telling you repair people won’t be available to service your neighborhood for another six to eight hours? “FUCK THAT NOISE. I’M GOING TO BED.” And you wake up, and voila, the Internet works and you’re well rested. It may be my new life motto. I’m definitely putting it on a T-shirt. Though, admittedly, it doesn’t work in every single situation. And for those crises that require a more proactive approach, I always turn to the singularly wise words of one Bette Porter. Well, curse words that is. Happy fucking Wednesday.

Everybody dance now

I like to dance, but only under certain circumstances. Most of those circumstances involve adult beverages. Many, many adult beverages. I’m not particularly good, but I hope my enthusiasm makes up for my utter lack of coordination or grace. But what I do like is to watch other people dance. It’s all of the sexy and none of the sweaty. Not that sweaty is necessarily bad. Hot. Sweaty. Sticky. Wait, where was I going with this? Right, dancing. As much as I love super sexy dancing (and, I do – see previous sweatiness tangent) I really love dorky dancing. You know, the spontaneous, out-of-context, exuberant kind that isn’t about being in da club (God, I hate the phrase “in da club”) or on a chorus line. It’s just about your body releasing. It’s about joy. Dancing, when done right, is an expression of joy. Our days can sometimes seem an endless series of mundane tasks and rote responsibilities. But, once in a while, we break free and let our limbs follow their own song.

Dorky dancers of the world, I salute you. Now, let’s get down with our bad selves.

Cast, Grey’s Anatomy

This makes me wish I watched this show more. And was friends with Cristina Yang.

Angela Chase, My So-Called Life

Angela’s “Blister in the Sun” dance is exactly how it feels to finally be over a breakup. Exactly.

Dana Fairbanks, The L Word

Dana Fairbanks will forever and always be the queen of dorky dancers. All hail the queen.

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

But, you’ve got to admit, Liz Lemon is at the very least a princess of dorky dancing.

Angie Harmon, Rizzoli & Isles

There is no better job in Hollywood than behind-the-scenes backup dancer to Angie Harmon. None.

Kat Graham & Candice Accola, The Vampire Diaries

Truth be told, this sort of workout is my total nightmare. I’m the person always jumping left when everyone else is jumping right. But I’m not above observing a class. Ahem.

Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy

This isn’t dorky. Just hot. Smoking hot.

So, any favorite dorky dancing TV moments to share? Don’t be shy. Nobody’s watching.

Just ship it

I’m not a superfan. No, wait. Lies. I’m a superfan of you-know-who. (Hint: Glasses. Bonus hint: It’s Tina Fey.) But I’m not a superfan in the sense of internet superfan fandom. Certainly, I am a fan of a lot of shows and a lot of characters and a lot of relationships (both real and imaginary). But I don’t have entire tumblrs dedicated exclusively to them or read/write femslash feverishly about them or join message boards to gab with strangers over them. I’m not disparaging such activities in the least – far from it. I find that level of devotion and inspiration amazing and one of the best things about the internet. It allows us to create and cultivate the communities we care about the most. It’s just that I come from a time when being a young fan meant begging your mom to buy the latest copy of Tiger Beat and then taping a poster of Michael J. Fox to your bedroom door while secretly starring at pictures of Jennifer Connelly from “Labyrinth” and wanting desperately to stroke her pretty, pretty hair.

So I am impressed and awed (and only occasionally frightened) by the fervor of online fandoms, particularly lesbian fandoms. When we invest, sweet Jesus and Mary, do we ever invest. So in the interest of sharing, I want to know yours. What’s your fandom? Now, I realize, you probably enjoy multiple fandoms simultaneously. This is the 21st Century and we’re all consenting adults – at least in our imaginations. But what is your No. 1, most-adored, most-obsessed about, most-likely-to-watch-YouTube-fanvids-until-3am lesbian fandom? Which lady ship – either canon or subtext – makes your heart race the fastest?

To get the conversation started, here are just a very few of the biggies – both past and present.

Tibette, “The L Word”The lesbian power couple, period.

Naomily, “Skins”I loved them from the first time I saw them; I think I was 12.
(Not really, but metaphorically.)

Calzona, “Grey’s Anatomy”Good women in a storm.

Rizzles, “Rizzoli & Isles”Where subtext meets chemistry and has a big, fat, gay baby.

Brittana, “Glee”BFFs forever, with benefits.

Xena/Gabrielle, “Xena Warrior Princess”They don’t even need a dumb portmanteau.

So, share. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. (Wait, is there a Princess Bride fandom?)

p.s. Dammit, I just realized this whole thing is a lie. I am a recovering Willow/Tara shipper with the Kitten Board T-shirt to prove it.

Getting Lippy

Hey, who wants to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? No one? Really? Fine. I’ll just go eat this crumpet in the corner with a spot of tea then. Weather’s been nice for this time of year. Turned a touch cold last night. Wait, what’s that? You do want to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? Well why didn’t you say so. I’ve been dying to discuss “The L Word with Better Accents” “Lip Service.” Let me just finish this tea first.

SPOILER ALERT: Talking about the show means talking about spoilers for the pilot episode. Also I’m also going to talk about some spoilers for the pilot episode of “The L Word” – you know, for all three of you who have never seen it.

First of all, stop comparing it to that other lesbian show. “Lip Service” is nothing like “The L Word.” “Lip Service” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Frankie. “The L Word” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Shane. Frankie takes pictures. Shane cuts hair. Different, not the same. Oh, shit. Didn’t Shane start taking pictures in, like, season six or something? Damn.

“Lip Service” is set in Glasgow, “The L Word” was set in Vancouver Los Angeles. LS starts out with three main gay ladies, TLW started out with six main gay ladies. LS began with a death, TLW ended with a death. LS took 1 minute and 25 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene, TLW took 10 minutes and 35 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene. LS has hot Scottish accents, TLW had hot Jennifer Beals arms.

All joking aside, the shows have very different tones (LS is a little more raw, TLW was a lot more glossy) and very different obvious initial story arcs (LS is about lost love, TLW was about self awakening). I would still advise all “Lip Service” actresses steer clear of any swimming pools, just in case.

The bigger question remains: How was it? It was good. I wouldn’t say I fell in love instantly, but I most definitely want a second date. And I can’t wait to get it naked. You know the biggest problem with “Lip Service” so far? No one is especially likable yet. Tess whines (though her robot love was adorkable), Cat furrows her brow while showing varying levels of concern and Frankie looks very Shane today. Granted, we are only one episode in. But one episode into “The L Word” I already loved Alice, adored Dana and wanted to be bossed around like a bad puppy by Bette.

I believe the rest of my feelings about “Lip Service” can be best expressed in screencaps. It was between that or interpretive dance. I think, for everyone’s sake, I made the right decision.

Meet Frankie
First Lesbian Sex
Why It’s Better to be British
Meet Tess
Meet Cat
Meet Her One Facial Expression
Yes, Really
But How Was It?
Bonus: Ship it.

God bless the BBC.

Kiss and make it better

I had a hell of a weekend. And, to be honest, I’m still recuperating a bit. But there’s one thing that always makes me feel better: Watching girls kissing. So instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour, like I had planned, to try and wake up refreshed and ready for the work week I spent hours engaged in perhaps the biggest time suck known to the universe: Searching for clips of girls kissing on YouTube. And because I’m not greedy, I’m passing my finds on to you. A few of the best TV kisses, just to brighten your Monday.

Callie & Arizona, Grey’s Anatomy

And the trend of lesbian bathroom kisses continues.

Dana & Lara, The L Word

Kisses against lockers…

Naomi & Emily, Skins

…are fucking hot.

Thelma & Cassie, Hex

So, fine, this was just a dream. A very, very good dream.

Alex & Jessica, Mistresses

I know this post is about kisses, but the hottest thing in this clip is the way Anna Torv unbuttons her shirt. There is something tremendously sexy about how she uses her hands, ahem.

p.s. Is it just me, or have the English just had better lesbian kisses on TV? Must be the accents.

That’s what friends are for

The one positive thing I can say that “The Real L Word” has done is make me miss “The L Word.” OK, not all of “The L Word” – definitely not the Death of Dana and the No Lifeguard on Duty parts. But the fun days. You know, back when they were all friends. And did silly things. And talked to one another like friends who did silly things. Like this.

Oh, Angela Robinson, please come make a lesbian TV series that has nothing to do with pumps or pants or clams or IFC. At its best, “The L Word” was about a group of friends who actually did all those things in that horrendous theme song that made our ears bleed. It was pure fiction, but could actually feel real. And sometimes, just sometimes, we even saw ourselves.

So in honor of the crazy Pride Weekend I just had (i.e. stringing coherent words together at this moment = hard), here are a few of my favorite friend moments from a show that spawned that other show that only makes me long for that first show even more.

Come back, Alice. Say funny things like “poopy-shit” and “uh-uh” and make us all want to be your best friend again.

Get Real

Speak of the devil. Mention “The L Word” and up pops Mama Chaiken.

In two quotes to emmys.com, Ilene Chaiken reminds us why her creations both enthrall and enrage. Talking with the magazine about her new spin-off reality series, “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” which is expected to launch this summer. The show has been cast and already begun filming in all the gayest of nooks and crannies around LA.

So why did IFC want to create TRLW: LA?

“When The L Word ended, I received so much feedback from fans who wanted more and, really, the show could have gone on and on. Doing the reality show is a logical continuation of the storytelling and a fresh way to circle back to it seamlessly without taking a year off.”

And why will it succeed?

“There’s nothing else on television that tells these stories and continues to shatter stereotypes. We can delve into issues that we could only scratch the surface on in the scripted show.”

So, essentially, she thinks she has us by the short and curlies.

Now, call me dense (many have), but it seems to me you can delve into any and all issues on a scripted show because it is just that, scripted. You write it, you control what issues you talk about, you decide what issues get addressed. You, you, you. But on reality shows, the real people dictate what issues get touched upon, what issues they talk about, what issues they address. They, they, they.

There is no limit to creativity. There are limits to reality. They’re called facts. Crazy, I know.

As for the reality series as a “logical continuation of the storytelling,” I also beg to differ. But at least it’s more logical than sending Alice to prison.

Oh, Ilene. The thing is you know that we’re so starved for representation that anything larger than a crumb will feel like cake. But I fail to see how going to a genre known for hot tub hookups and barroom brawls will “shatter stereotypes.” Also, I claim 11 minutes in the “How Long Will it Take for a Cast Member to Get Naked” pool.

Though, that’s the only kind of pool I’d suggest in connection to the show. If Ilene puts a real one in it’s going to be an awfully short season, what with all the unexplained drownings and all.

My (and My Friends’) Decade Crushes

Well, kittens, another decade is almost in the books. My mind can’t quite wrap around the fact that it’s been 10 years since everyone was convinced the world would grind to a halt with Y2K. Heck, I bet some poor misguided souls are still working through their stockpiles of pork and beans. As with any milestone year, one tends to reflect. I’ll be on vacation through the end of the year (don’t worry, I’ll be posting Vacation Vixens to tide you over). But before I left I wanted to give you My Decade Crushes. Now, these aren’t just pretty ladies – granted, many are in very, very pretty indeed. But these are the entertainers and entertainment that personified everything I loved about these past ten years. They, quite simply, made my decade.

The aughts (now there’s a term I’m happy to say goodbye to) have been a decade of change, discovery and growth for me. I started this blog. I stopped getting a healthy amount of sleep. And I met and befriended a bunch of wonderful, generous and ridiculously talented ladies. Given the magnitude of this occasion, I thought I’d bring a couple along with me. My good friends, fellow AfterEllen.com bloggers and all-around amazing gals StuntDouble and The Linster were gracious enough to share their decade crushes with us as well. So please enjoy, and feel share your Decade Crushes with us as well. There’s a lot of crush-worthy material to cover in 10 years, we need all the help we can get.

StuntDouble

1. J.K. Rowling: I spent most of the last decade reading Harry Potter, standing in line at midnight to buy Harry Potter, standing in line at midnight to watch Harry Potter, and proselytizing my faith in Harry Potter to anyone who would listen. But mostly my faith was in J.K. Rowling. She changed the color of the world. She's a magic-maker.

2. Harry Potter movies: Harry Potter movies are a different kind of magic than Harry Potter books. What the Potter franchise has managed to do in keeping an entire cast and crew of Britain's finest together for eight movies is unprecedented. Every actor that participated in the franchise seemed destined to become a witch or wizard. Alan Rickman as Snape? Dame Maggie Smith as Professor McGonogall? Emma Thompson as Professor Trelawney? Inspired, all of it.

[Lots of empty space, because I don't think anything deserves a place near Potter on a best of the decade list.]

3. Friends: The second half of Friends happened in this decade, and in it we got The One Where Everyone Finds Out (Phoebe: "My eyes! My eyes!"), The One in Vegas (Rachel: "Hello, Vegas? We need some more alcohol, and also some more beers."), The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (Melissa: "I don’t hear coconuts banging together. I don’t ... picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go."), and so much more. I've watched every episode at least ten times, except the finale. That one made me cry too much.

4. Pixar: Lots of people think Pixar's magic is in the animation; I think their magic is in the way they've learned how to tell a perfect story.

5. The West Wing: There were times during the Bush Administration when the only thing keeping me from actually losing my mind was watching The West Wing, and pretending that President Bartlet was the actual president of America.

6. Arrested Development: The only lingering problem I have with Arrested Development is that every time I dream about Portia de Rossi, Ron Howard narrates.

7. The Daily Show: The Daily Show was the beginning of something revolutionary. It's not fake news. It's legitimate, actual news that cuts through the bullshit and mocks the most deserving. Jon Stewart is a champion of gay rights because he's a champion of logic.

8. Josh Schwartz: Here are the things Josh Schwartz is responsible for: The O.C., Gossip Girl, Chuck, Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Band of Horses, Stars, Iron and Wine, The Walkmen and The Killers (just to name a few). Clear channel was buying and homogenizing radio when Schwartz had the idea to save the music. He did. And he gave us Blair Waldorf.

9. John Mayer: It seems like I fall in love every time a new John Mayer album comes out. Causation or coincidence? Not sure, but it means he makes the list.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean movies: Captain ... Captain Jack Sparrow. (Oh, and um, Elizabeth ... Elizabeth Swann.)

The Linster

1. The L Word: I have loved and hated the L Word, often at the same time. But having a show about "us" was amazing and affirming.

2. Ellen DeGeneres: An out lesbian with a successful talk show is remarkable. And as time goes on, Ellen gets more and more vocal about LGBT issues -- and the world still loves her. Now most everyone in the country "knows a lesbian." That makes voting against us difficult. Portia is like icing on a lesbian cake. And lesbian cake is damn tasty.

3. Televised women's basketball: WNBA parity and Title IX resulted more national broadcasts of women's pro and college basketball. I can almost always find a game on TV now -- and women's basketball is one of my favorite things in life.

4. Snarky news: The Daily Show changed the way we got our news by presenting its absurd side, even while getting the facts correct. Now politicians line up to be put on the spot by Stewart and Colbert. TDS paved the way for Rachel Maddow, who can undercut a newsmaker with the cock of an eyebrow and refuses to back down on what she knows to be true. Watching news used to be a chore for me; now I look forward to it. And I'm better informed on what's going on in the world than I ever have been.

5. West Wing: WW was just great television. Right after 9/11, the show tossed its season opener to shoot a new episode, knowing the impact it would have. The show occasionally got preachy, but it set the stage for some of the best dramas in TV history. And it totally stands up to repeat watching. (Not to mention that Allison Janney was on every week.)

6. Cable dramas: The number of well drawn, well acted sequential dramas on cable during this decade is amazing -- and I loved most all of them. The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Big Love, The Shield, Damages, Dexter and many more. I love shows that give me the "I can't wait to see what happens next" feeling at the end of every episode. Some, like Six Feet Under, can sustain it for the entire run of the show. (And the series finale of Six Feet Under might have been the best episode of TV ever.)

7. Pixar, especially Finding Nemo, WALL-E and Up: Now, learning that a movie is animated does not mean it's kid fare. Plus, the writing and design are so good that I see something new every time I watch.

8. Tina Fey, in all her glory: She wrote and acted in so many things that I love that I won't even try to name them. As Palin, she totally changed the election, IMO, just by being so true to Palin that nobody could dismiss it. Tina is a genius. Her adorableness is a bonus.

9. Hillary Clinton: Corny as it sounds, Hillary was like a lighthouse for women, leading us to trust our own power. She was brilliant, graceful and, yes, beautiful throughout the election, losing her cool from time to time but refusing to apologize for being who she is. I still wish she were president, although she probably has accomplished more as Secretary of State than she could've as Commander in Chief. In any case, she served as proof to every little girl in the country that women truly are equal in every way to men. And in many cases, superior.

10. Dorothy Snarker: This isn't really a suck-up, because Ms. Snarker represents a whole network of brilliant and funny women I've met through the Internet, many of whom have become good friends. The Web is marvelous and terrifying all at once, but I honestly can't remember how I got along without it. And I am quite grateful to discover that the world has plenty of people, especially lesbians, who are as weird and pop-culture-obsessed as I am. And, of course, our Dorothy is the best of the best.
[Editor’s Note: I in no way paid her to say that. Though, hypothetically, do you prefer large or small bills, Linster?]

Dorothy Snarker

1. Tina Fey: Please, you knew this was coming. Tina is everything I love in a woman: smart, funny, beautiful, self-deprecating, goofy, hard-working and a big nerd in high school. Never leave us, Tina Fey. The world would be a less bright place without you – and I mean that both in the light source and big brain senses.

2. The L Word: As much and as loudly and as justifiably we yelled about everything that was wrong with this show, I am still undeniably grateful it existed in the first place. We sometimes forget how important it is to have our lives – even much more glitzy, glamorous versions of our lives – reflected back to us. This show reminded us, and then there were also a lot of hot chicks kissing.

3. Ellen DeGeneres: Who would have guessed that this charming lady with the funny last name would become America’s most beloved daytime talk show host. (Note: Oprah is revered, not necessarily beloved – don’t crush me Oprah.) She is everyone’s lesbian next door with the smoking hot wife. Now that’s progress.

4. Pixar: Nothing soothed our inner child this decade better than Pixar. When we were blue, they reminded us to just keep swimming. When we felt lonely, they reminded us that it only took a moment to be loved a whole life long. And when we didn’t know what we were searching for, they reminded us squirrel!

5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Granted, this started in the 1997, but I didn’t really start to watch in earnest until early 2000. This show informed so much of what I still want from my TV today: zippy dialogue, gratuitous pop culture references, pathos, snarkiness, vampires, lesbians and girls in leather pants kicking ass. Also, she saved the world – a lot.

6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Some movies are like a gift left on your pillow on a day that isn’t anywhere near your birthday. It’s completely unexpected. It seems a little weird. It has you confused at first. But when you open it, the contents fill you with such joy you know you’ll remember it forever.

7. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Let’s face it, most of the 00s were spent with an idiot for president and Dr. Evil for vice president. These were not the best of political times. Without Jon, I don’t think most liberals – or just sane people – would have made it through those eight years. He was an oasis of clarity and chuckles. If we can’t laugh we’ll cry has never been more true. And he will forever be the perfect definition of irony: A comedy new anchor who becomes the most trusted newsman in America. Walter Cronkite might not have approved, but I’ll sure bet he laughed.

8. David Sedaris: Whenever I need to be reminded how much harder I have to work at this writing thing, I just crack open any Sedaris book and laugh out loud (the real kind, not the damn acronym). Wickedly smart, painfully observant and just funny as fucking hell, Sedaris writes what I love to read. Also, unexpected bonus, reading his books helps tone the abs – all that deep belly laughing, you know.

9. Lost in Translation: If you want to fall back in love with the art and craft of movie making, pop in this movie. You might also fall in love with Scarlett Johansson and/or Tokyo, too. Just a warning.

10. Meryl Streep: It seems almost a crime to put Meryl at No. 10. But it’s just that her resume is so long, it’s hard to pick a decade where she shouldn’t be on everyone’s list. Though, one could argue that the 00s were one of her best and for sure her most commercially successful. Her talent goes unparalleled, but what is really remarkable is that at 60 she is still playing the romantic lead in major motion pictures. I’ll never stop swooning over you, Meryl. Ever.

Though, kittens – and I say this without irony or cynicism or snark – to be perfectly honest, you all made my decade. Thank you, as always and unendingly, for coming back day after day. Thanks for reading and commenting and sharing your opinions and arguments and pieces of your lives. You’ve made me think and laugh and feel just a little less alone on this big hunk of rock hurtling itself around the sun. Happy decade, all.

Support Tibette

Those of good conscience already support Tibet. And now those of good conscience can also support Tibette. Sure, we support them already with our lustful stares and lascivious thoughts. But this is a more tangible and – let’s just say it – wholesome kind of support. The actresses who gave us Tibette – Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman – are both throwing their support, not to mention creative talents, behind worthy causes this holiday season. And we can help them through our purchases and donations. Also, it gives us another chance to ogle appreciate the women behind Tibette.

First Laurel is sponsoring an art auction featuring her own work along with sketches by TLW castmates and photos from a friend. Laurel is donating five of her paintings, friend Miki Turner is donating 12 of her photographs and Pam Grier and Rachel Shelley are donating a sketch each which they will personally sign to the winning bidder.

A look at Laurel’s work:

All proceeds going to the Maasai Conservation Wilderness Trust. Check out the auction website at mwctlaurelholloman.com. Bidding is now live on eBay. Bid here. (Auctions end Dec. 21.) Or to give directly, donate though Laurel’s fundraising page: firstgiving.com/laurelhollomannet1

Next it appears Jennifer has finished work on “The L Word Book.” The book is a behind-the-scenes look through Jennifer’s lens at the women who spend six seasons talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming. (You didn’t think you’d get away with never hearing that monstrosity again, did you?)

Here is a sneak peek:

The proceeds of the book and prints will go to several different charities including the Matthew Shepard Foundation, Mia Kirshner’s I Live Here Foundation and The Pablove Foundation. The book’s website says it is coming out in December 2009, but considering we’re a third through the month it might be delayed. Check the official site for details at lwordbook.com.

See, doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and not for the normal reasons Tibette makes you feel warm and fuzzy? Though, Jennifer and Laurel, if you really want to raise some crazy cash for your respective charities I have a little suggestion: naked portraits of each other. Think of all the gay ladies clamoring to get their hands on those puppies. It would be the Tickle Me Elmo frenzy on steroids and there might even be some punches thrown. And, best of all, it’s alllll for charity. Brilliant, huh? No? Fine, your ideas are good too. I guess. (Kicks dirt.)

Now get busy buying and bidding, ladies.

Shit just got real

This is the story (true story!) of six lesbians picked by Mama Chaiken to live in Los Angeles and have their lives taped to find out what happens when lesbians stop being polite and start getting real: “The Real L Word: Los Angeles.”

Sounds like a joke; really, really isn’t. Ilene Chaiken is back, like the unkillable creature from every horror movie you can’t believe you’re still watching at 1 a.m., with a new series for Showtime. Ilene has signed a nine-episode deal with her former employer to bring back “The L Word,” sort of. This time it will be a reality series following six real, live lesbians around Los Angeles.

Oh, fucking hell, where do I begin? No, seriously, WHERE? First, “The Real L Word?” That’s its real title? How unspeakably lame. They couldn’t even come up with a new name? Look, we already have “The Real World,” “The Real Housewives” and even the really silly lesbian reality series “Gimme Sugar.” So how is this in any way original? This is groundbreaking television? And what makes it truly diabolical is that it’s called “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” which means Mama C clearly thinks of it as a continuing series. I can see it limping along just like the real “The Real World” with “TRLW: New York,” “TRLW: San Francisco,” “TRLW: Cancun.” For all I know, Mama C is really thinking big and already plotting for “TRLW: Mars.” Which is also, coincidentally, where I would love to send her.

Oh kittens, this is just so, well, sad. As much as I desperately want and think we rightfully deserve more and better representation of gay women in the media, I sincerely doubt this is the way to get there. While in theory reality shows can be used to illuminate the human condition, in reality they have exploited our more salacious side. It’s all about hair pulling and hot tubs, hookups and hangovers. Could a reality series about the real lives of lesbians be a good thing? Sure. Do I trust Chaiken to take a thoughtful, real look at lesbian lives? Um, you saw the finale, right?

My Weekend Crush

In any relationship, there is always the star. The one whose name comes first, whose personality fills the room, whose presence leaves the more lasting impression. But while the quieter partner may be lose out in first impressions, she should never be counted out. For without the yang, the yin cannot make a whole. Without Laurel Holloman, there is no Bette and Tina. There is no center. There is no whole. Bette without Tina to ground her is a one-note character – all power and desire, no heart and consequences. She needs Tina, and we need Laurel.

Of course, Laurel is more than just Tina. She first stole my heart – as I’m sure she did yours – as the adorable Randy Dean. She was the scruffy little butch we all wish we met in high school, or aspired to be. In “The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love,” Laurel was awkward yet determined, goofy yet heroic. Anytime I want a guaranteed giggle, I cue the film up to Randy reading “Leaves of Grass” and replay her delightfully adolescent repeating of the word “crotch.” She so inhabited that role that years later when I encounter her again on my TV, this time in “Angel,” I almost didn’t recognize her.

So then, when we met again in that show about the letter between K and M, I didn’t know what to expect. What we got was strength, smarts, sweetness and, sure, sometimes a neck-bulging screamfest. It’s not easy being the quiet one. But it’s the quiet ones who always surprise you. Happy weekend, all.

Sometimes they come back

Over the weekend at the big ladies-with-laptops BlogHer conference, we saw The Return of Chaiken. Yes, Ilene was back. She was talking. She was sorry. And by sorry she meant, “Go see my movie.” As reported on Twitter by Trish (our intrepid AfterEllen Blog Headmistress), Mama C addressed both a) the fans’ reactions b) those “The L Word: The Movie” rumors.

First, her mea culpa:

“I made a foolish mistake saying didn’t care what viewers wanted in the stories. Learned a lot from engaging with community.”

And all the lesbians in the room say, “DUH!”

Then, her humdinger:

“When we make ‘The L Word’ movie, we will say who killed Jenny. Movie is in scripting process.”

When. Not if. WHEN. Seems that was her plan all along – string ’em along to get a spinoff movie made. I knew it, I fucking knew it. Of course, this strategy comes with a very real risk. When she finally decides to tell us who killed Jenny, will we still care?

Do I care who killed Jenny at this point? Not really. I mean, it’s just not one of those great, haunting unanswered cinematic questions. Like, what did Bill Murray say to Scarlett Johansson at the end of “Lost in Translation?” What was in that briefcase in “Pulp Fiction?” Or, seriously, what the fuck was that all about, “Mulholland Dr.?”

But will I still go see the movie? Who am I kidding, I’m totally going. The siren song of Jennifer Beals’ ass in a perfectly-tailored power suit is just too strong. If I can make it through six sanity-sapping seasons, I can certainly make it through two hours of whatever crazy Chaiken can throws up there now. Plus, I own a flask. Two even.

The Puppetmaster

I guess what irks me most is even though Ilene says she is sorry for being all “Ney-ner, ney-ner, it’s my show so suck it!” about the storylines, I still feel manipulated. Artists don’t have to justify their art. She doesn’t owe us anything, but she owes her stories everything. She owes them truth and consistency. And all too often that’s just not what they received.

Look, I will forever be grateful to Ilene for creating this amazing universe and bringing together even more amazing women to inhabit it. But such is the great conundrum for GLBT viewers everywhere. We are unquestionably grateful and thrilled when any artist chooses to tell our stories. But that doesn’t mean, sometimes, we can’t wish those stories were better. Or made sense. Or didn’t make you want to throw any and all heavy objects within arm’s reach at your television.

Though I guess the one good thing about a movie version is that no matter what happens, we’ll at least get a nice big tub of popcorn out of the whole experience. So, are you in? And, most important, butter or no butter?

My Weekend Crush

Oh, Erin Daniels. Seeing you last night on “CSI” reminded me just how much I miss seeing you on my TV every week. In fact, it inspired me to partake in another epic YouTube timesuck of Dana clips. And, dammit, if I didn't smile and giggle and even clap my hands with glee. So. Fucking. Cute. Erin is that most rare combination of stunning and silly. She is, hands down, gorgeous. But what makes her special is that endearing goofiness. Pretty much, she had me at “crispay.” Beneath the beauty is an adorable awkwardness and vulnerable openness that makes her utterly relatable, not to mention entirely huggable. She makes it impossible to not root for her. And root I do. Each time she pops up again on my TV – from “Dexter” to “CSI: NY” and “Saving Grace” to “Swingtown” – I feel like cheering. Plus, no one dorky dances like Dana Fairbanks. No one. Happy weekend, all.

Down on The Farm

So, Showtime didn't buy “The Farm.” Leisha Hailey prison drama spin-off won't be headed to a TV near you anytime soon. Which means the legacy of “The L Word” will more than likely end with the eternally unanswered question of who killed Jenny. Which, once again, sucks. Big time.

And, once again, it is a reminder of the opportunities that were missed in the arc of TLW. Let's be frank, Ilene built the whole insane and incomprehensible final season around the possibility of a spin-off. While she glibly told The Los Angeles Times that she didn't actually feel compelled to tell us who killed Jenny, you know part of her left it unanswered as leverage. Sure, that show ended in a question, but this other show can answer it. Gosh, that worked out well.

As questionable as the idea of Leisha Hailey in a gritty, “Oz”-like prison drama was, it was still Leisha Hailey and lesbians being shown regularly on my TV. Plus, the guest stars assembled for the pilot were impressive: Famke Janssen, Melissa Leo and Laurie Metcalfe. That adds up to a three-time Emmy winner, an Oscar nominee and a Bond girl. With no major lesbian characters on primetime TV and less than a handful of bisexual ones, we are once again starved for representation. So even another crazy Mama Chaiken creation would be better than nothing, right?

Well, I'm not so sure. Instead, I think we may have dodged a big, Ilene-shaped bullet. If those wacky Interrogation Tapes are any indication, Mama C cannot do crime and punishment. Wait, let me rephrase that, Mama C can do crime and punishment metaphorically – just ask her audience. After six seasons, we feel both robbed and beaten. And now these damn “tapes.” (NOTE: Spoiler Alert, but mostly just yawn.) Tina had an incestuous relationship with her sister. Shane burned down Wax. Helena gave away the money (and gets hit on by Xena Sgt. Duffy). Niki stole the “Lez Girls” negatives. Bette wanted Tina to ask her to have their second child. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Ilene, WTF. Afterthought storytelling is not storytelling, it's an afterthought.

Am I sad “The Farm” won't happen? In theory, yes. In practice? Well, we'll just never know, kind of like who killed Jenny.

An outie or an innie?

So what are we to make of the “look who came out/look who went in”-case of Clementine Ford? The all caps headline on last month's Diva magazine cover couldn't have been bigger or clearer: CLEMENTINE FORD COMES OUT. Woo and hoo! Break out the feather boas and strike up the band; it's time for a personalized pride parade. Happy gay gals all over the world were excited to watch the final month's worth of “The L Word” episodes for a glimpse of their newly-out heroine. It was like she earned her Advanced Placement Gay, Graduate Level Gay and Doctorate in Fucking Gay overnight.

But now flash forward six weeks. “The L Word” is over, Clementine Ford is about to join the cast of “The Young & The Restless” and she is also no longer proclaiming her outness. In fact, she says she never came out in an interview with TV Guide magazine.

From TV Guide:

Q: Let’s discuss this Diva magazine cover story. You sorta kinda maybe came out as a lesbian. Um, right?
A: [Groaning] I’m sooo glad you asked. The first thing that really upset me was that the cover line said “Clementine Ford Comes Out” which, clearly if you read the article, I did not come out. It was really misleading and full of misquotes to sell the magazine. If someone’s buying it to see that I came out, well, get your money back.

Whoa, wait, what? Alright, let's read the article and see what exactly she said on the matter. Read it in full for yourself here. [Hat tip, uhhuhherfan.com!]

From Diva on the rumors about her and Kate Moennig:

“Well, the truth is...” she begins, measuring her words carefully. “The truth is that I'm not technically out yet. Put that in your magazine. For me, there's never been a distinction about anything to do with sexuality, so there was no declaration to be made. My siblings and I would bring home men and women, and as long as they were human it wasn't a big deal.” Gosh, Clementine Ford has just come out. Well, as a woman who dates women, at least. She's not big on labels, more of which later.

Then later, from Diva on labels:

“I never want to put a label on myself — but knowing that not everyone comes from such a liberal place, when something like Prop. 8 [banning gay marriage in California] comes out, you realize it’s important to stand up and be counted. A little gay kid in a small town is more important than whether I want a label.”

OK, sure, she doesn't say she is gay or lesbian or bisexual in so many words. She says she is “not technically out,” but has brought home “men and women.” Infer what you will, I guess. I infer when she says “put that in your magazine” that she is making some sort of solidarity statement. That said, I would have asked a slew of very specific follow-up questions, like “Wait, did you just come out?” and “So do you consider yourself lesbian, bisexual, queer as Christmas?” and “You know we're going to put your face with an all caps headline about coming out on the cover, right?” I'm not saying the reporter didn't ask those questions, but it's not apparent either way from the story.

TV Guide apparently shared my confusion, because they did ask a follow-up to her un-outing.

From TV Guide:

Q: But I did read the article and you do say “The truth is that I’m not technically out yet.” You go on to admit that, even though you were married to actor Todd Hunter for four years, you’ve also dated women. And you perpetuated the rumors that you and Kate Moennig had a thing while shooting The L Word. Are you just a big ol’ tease?
A: [Ignoring the question] That Diva article also picked up quotes from a podcast interview I did with AfterEllen.com where the interviewer asked me if the sex on The L Word was real and I very jokingly said “Yes, we actually had sex. The L Word is porn. The secret’s out!” And the Diva writer printed it as fact that Kate and I had real sex on camera! I was like, “Oh, my God, I hate you!” I almost wrote a nasty letter and then I stopped myself because I thought, if anyone is stupid enough to actually believe that Showtime would let us have real sex, then that’s not my problem. So that was that. But it made me very angry.

Classic misdirection. Don't answer the real question, but show indignation over another, somewhat-related question. And, she certainly has a point to be indignant about. Diva did get it terribly, horribly wrong when it came to her This Just Out With Liz Feldman appearance. [Catch it at the 17:10 mark.]

From Diva on the Molly/Shane sex scenes:

When she and Moennig were performing their sex scenes [she told Liz Feldman on the AfterEllen website], they wanted it to look as authentic as possible, so they actually had sex on the set – but when "Phyllis" walked in in them, Clementine felt distinctly uncomfortable

From This Just Out on the Molly/Shane sex scenes:

Liz: It was very realistic and I was watching it and I was like that looks like real sex. Was it?
Clementine: Yes. The L Word is porn.
Liz: You said that sarcastically, but I've said that in sincerity.

Wow, Diva, way to be utterly unclear on the concept of sarcasm.

So could Diva have gotten it all wrong, jumped to conclusions, wildly misquoted? Sure, sure and definitely. The TJO misunderstanding shows that at the very least something is on the verge of being rotten in the state of Denmark. So if they took Clementine's somewhat ambiguous statement of solidarity and twisted it into something it's not just to sell magazines, shame on them. Seriously, boo. This helps no one.

Still, what bothers me most about this about face is the timing. If Clementine had never come out, never meant to imply that she came out, never really been any kind of queer in the first place, why wouldn't she have said something right away? Why wait, conveniently, until after “The L Word” has completed its run, when all of the overwhelming support she could garner from this sort of revelation has been used up and she was instead about to appear on a very mainstream, very straight show?

I believe Clementine is a sincere and compassionate supporter of the GLBT community. This won't change that. But there is something very off-putting and sickeningly familiar about this in/out/in dance. The stars flirt with us, give an interview (often with the gay press) where they proclaim some sort of bisexuality and then maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years later tell another media outlet that they were never were gay in the first place or just misquoted or plain old wrong. For reference please see Megan Mullally, Nelly Furtado, et al. This kind of bisexuality backpedaling is, sadly, nothing new when it comes to celebrities.* But it sure does make me tired.

Well, what do you think? Backpedal? Misquote? Labelphobia? Sigh. I guess it's time to put the feather boa back in the closet, so to speak.

*p.s. Clearly, I don't mean that backpedaling is an inherent part of bisexuality. Banish. The. Thought. It's this kind of fauxsexual thing that makes it hard for bisexual women to fight unfair stereotypes.

Post-L Mortem

We don't know who killed Jenny. We don't know if Jenny was killed. We don't even know how Jenny died. We don't know if Alice and Tasha will stay together. We don't know what happens with Max's baby. We don't know if Bette and Tina move to New York. We don't know if Shane ever confronted Jenny. We don't know why Niki was hiding in the bushes. We don't know if Kit ended up believing Bette. We don't know if Kelly really did tell people they slept together. We don't know why Dylan was reintroduced only to have Helena break-up with her about yet more trust issues. We don't know why everyone would be homicidally angry at Jenny one minute and the next be happily be chomping popcorn and watching her epic three-hour tribute video. We don't know why they were all creepily smiling as they skipped into the police station. Finally, we don't know what is to become of poor Sounder.

Uncertainty is one thing. The complete inability to finish a single storyline is another.

Despite the actresses' best efforts and many of the characters' genuine likability, the hallmark of “The L Word” over its six seasons has been missed opportunities and inconsistent storytelling. All of that was punctuated by the finale, which – to use a technical term – blew. It's not just that there were a million loose ends, but that the end did not justify the means. Why frame the entire last season as a murder mystery only to leave it stubbornly unsolved? Why end the first and only dramatic series about lesbians in death, period? The thing is, all these sins would have been forgiven had the finale approached anything close to being good. But, alas, it was not. Not even close.

It was so bad, that the only way to deal with the disappointment is robust and unrelenting mocking. To speed along the process I've started the “That finale was so bad that...” game. Here is mine: “That finale was so bad that the letter L refuses to be associated with it anymore and it is now just called The Word.”

A sampling of the responses so far. That finale was so bad...

• @helenahandbskt ...that I'm gonna need some ice cream now bad.
• @livlab ...that I almost wanted more Jenny. No wait, I take that back.
• @lindbrownsay ...that even Chaiken winced.
• @hobojen ...that upon reading the script the FacialHairTech refused to participate& Ilene made Daniela glue a caterpillar to her face.
• @thelinster ...that Leisha has changed the name from Uh huh Her to No Not Me.
• @NoTORIousTori ...that to say it was even pretty good is like saying Saw was a romantic comedy.
• @carolinagrrrl ...that Beals is considering donning a black leotard and dancing to 80s music so people will forget her career since then.
• @scfox ...that I refuse to acknowledge anyone named Ilene. (And don't get me started on the webisodes!)
• @natthedem ...that Katy Perry is now calling Ilene Chaiken to help her write lyrics for her next album.
• @ElphabaPotter ... that I find myself crushing on Lisa, the ManLesbian.
• @Justjesh ...that it beats the Growing Pains finale.
• @thusspokejenny ...that I didn't even really die, I just changed my dress. Try and kill me, bitches.
• @femmedomestic ...that it made miss the manatees and sweet meats. Oh.. And Kit's menopause anthem.
• @TruMischief ...that the best line was “we saw an old giraffe with a goiter on it's neck.”
• @Virgotex ...that even straight men remained un-titillated.
• @tex2009 ...that it's turning lesbians straight.
• @uhhliana ...that even the awful Betty theme song refused to be associated with it.
• @arreola ...that i could hear the collective WTFs from lesbians around the world.
• @julieoh ...that they're going to use it to torture prisoners in Guantanamo.
• @frannynotzooey ...that Jenny died just to get away from it.
• @teacherc ...that Rachel Maddow will need to be "talked down" on her show tomorrow night.
• @whenfishfly ...that even Betty wanted their song out of the episode.
• @neonumbra ...that I was scared straight. This is not how I want my life to be!
• @belismakr ...that I wished I'd watched a rerun of America's Next Top Model instead.
• @DaneWrights ...that Lucy Lawless told Ilene to reduce her screen time in editing or she'd go all Xena on her ass.
• @stonermc ...that the Mormon Church sympathised and repealed Prop 8!
• @mariequinn ...that it made Max's facial hair look good.
• @mama_ti ...that we just had to take @call_me_max's baby and run -- and he's ADORABLE! Angie loves him!
• @manshorts ...that EZTV took forever to post the torrent in order to postpone the disappointment I am sure to experience.
• @laurachen ...that two of my friends just went back into the closet.
• @sarahwarn ...that it makes me question my future as a Professional Lesbian - are our best days behind us?

So, come on ladies (and discerning gentlemen), bring the snark either @dorothysnarker on Twitter or in the comments below. Let's give this turkey the send-off it deserves.