Lights, camera, fanvids

One of the most amazing things about this crazy series of tubes we call The Internets is the creativity it can foster. And one of the easiest places to see this creativity in action is still our old friend YouTube. It’s also one of the easiest places to lose four hours of your life getting sucked into a fanvid black hole. But, oh. what a wondrous black hold that is. What has impressed me more and more recently is the quality of the fanvids. Seriously, you guys are getting damn good. Certainly, there’s a lot of just OK and possibly not so great to slog through too when searching for the really great stuff. But the great stuff is freaking great. Sophisticated color filters and cross cuts and dialogue overlays. Take it from a person who just now figured out how to make simple video clips, never mind any of the advanced-level fancy stuff. That takes skills. It’s like watching a whole future generation of cinematographers and film editors and director grow up before your eyes. And, most impressive of all, these hours and hours (if not days and days) of work is done not for the money or the glory – because heavens knows neither is readily attainable on the internet – but for the sheer love of the characters. Fanvids (and its close cousins fanart and fanfic) are fan love in its purest form. Fine, they’re also mildly obsessive. But, Jesus, isn’t all love?

A few recent favorites from a few of my favorite ships.

Brittana/Faberry, “Glee”

See, Brittana and Faberry fans can get along. In fact, we can help each other.

Rizzles, “Rizzoli & Isles”

Rizzoli & Isles as Cagney & Lacey. Just try not to smile.

Emily/Paige, “Pretty Little Liars”

Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t the only member of her household who mixes well with lesbian drama.

Naomily, “Skins”

Another slice of loveliness by the prodigiously talented Rin of Rophy Does.

Willow/Tara, “Buffy”

You never forget your first real ship.

Calzona, “Grey’s Anatomy”

Don’t even pretend there’s something in your eye except big, fat tears.

So, hit me with your fanvid favorites. Let’s see those budding lesbian Spielbergs so someday we can say, I remember when she was just making Brittana fanvids to post on YouTube.

That blessed arrangement

I’ll admit it. I like weddings. I like the idea of standing up in front of the people who matter most in your life and pledging a lifetime of love and commitment to one person. I’m a not-so-secret sap in that way. I also like the open bar and inevitable vat of meatballs in the buffet.

I’m somewhat more ambivalent about having a wedding myself. I’m not diametrically opposed to marriage, and I am absolutely adamant that we should have the legal right to get married. But I’m just not sure if I’ll ever do it myself. I came from a two-parent home where my mom and dad were happily married until the day he died six years ago. So it’s not like I am wary of the institution. I was just never the kid who dreamed about her wedding day. And you know I wasn’t dreaming about the big white dress. (White suit? Maybe.)

But liking weddings and wanting to get married are kind of different things, if you really think about it. Which is why I also like wedding scenes. And movies and TV are really good at wedding scenes. Like, really good. So I’m pretty excited about seeing the Callie and Arizona wedding this Thursday on “Grey’s Anatomy.” I’m excited on a number of levels. One, I like them as a couple (even if I don’t really like their show). Two, I already know they look beautiful in their dresses (seriously, get a load of those dresses – spoilers).

But more importantly, lesbian weddings don’t happen every day on TV. “The Simpsons,” when gay marriage became a Springfield industry. “All My Children,” I think – I don’t watch soaps. And that episode of “Friends” with the crazy hats. So, yeah, we’re due.

It matters seeing our lives reflected back to us with the full range of possibilities. Married, dating. Parents, single. Just like everyone else, we deserve the choices. Too often we’re just background decoration or token friend. Even if I may not necessarily dream about walking down the aisle, some little girl somewhere does. She deserves to see a beautiful bride look over at her beautiful bride on primetime television. So bring on the happily ever after for a change – especially since that ever after won’t be the end of the story.

And, if there’s anything I learned from accidentally staying up and watching the entire royal wedding last week, it’s that as happy as you are for the happy couple, there’s always the possibility that a Hot Sister will show up out of the blue and make you even happier. Like I said, I like weddings – a lot.

Everybody dance now

I like to dance, but only under certain circumstances. Most of those circumstances involve adult beverages. Many, many adult beverages. I’m not particularly good, but I hope my enthusiasm makes up for my utter lack of coordination or grace. But what I do like is to watch other people dance. It’s all of the sexy and none of the sweaty. Not that sweaty is necessarily bad. Hot. Sweaty. Sticky. Wait, where was I going with this? Right, dancing. As much as I love super sexy dancing (and, I do – see previous sweatiness tangent) I really love dorky dancing. You know, the spontaneous, out-of-context, exuberant kind that isn’t about being in da club (God, I hate the phrase “in da club”) or on a chorus line. It’s just about your body releasing. It’s about joy. Dancing, when done right, is an expression of joy. Our days can sometimes seem an endless series of mundane tasks and rote responsibilities. But, once in a while, we break free and let our limbs follow their own song.

Dorky dancers of the world, I salute you. Now, let’s get down with our bad selves.

Cast, Grey’s Anatomy

This makes me wish I watched this show more. And was friends with Cristina Yang.

Angela Chase, My So-Called Life

Angela’s “Blister in the Sun” dance is exactly how it feels to finally be over a breakup. Exactly.

Dana Fairbanks, The L Word

Dana Fairbanks will forever and always be the queen of dorky dancers. All hail the queen.

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

But, you’ve got to admit, Liz Lemon is at the very least a princess of dorky dancing.

Angie Harmon, Rizzoli & Isles

There is no better job in Hollywood than behind-the-scenes backup dancer to Angie Harmon. None.

Kat Graham & Candice Accola, The Vampire Diaries

Truth be told, this sort of workout is my total nightmare. I’m the person always jumping left when everyone else is jumping right. But I’m not above observing a class. Ahem.

Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy

This isn’t dorky. Just hot. Smoking hot.

So, any favorite dorky dancing TV moments to share? Don’t be shy. Nobody’s watching.

Why so blue, pander bear?

Let us, for a moment, talk about pandering. What does it mean to pander, exactly? Well, our friends at Merriam Webster say it is “to provide gratification for other’s desires.” Heck, that doesn’t sound so bad. Bring that on. Of course, the connotations of pandering are much less based on simple gratification and much more about exploiting our baser desires. There’s an implied quid pro quo – give a little, get a little. It’s about playing to people’s preferences for not entirely pristine purposes. When people throw it about these days they’re usually talking about politicians. And then sometimes, they throw it at storytellers.

Like when a person on Twitter accuses “Grey’s Anatomy” creator Shonda Rhimes of pandering to the gay/lesbian community with her Callie and Arizona storyline. And I quote:

“All you do is pander to the gay/lesbian community. Which is fine. But straight people don't suck, you know.”

Wow, that is some seriously entitled straight person bullshit right there. (And, relax, I’m not saying all straight people are entitled or full of shit, just this particular one.) “Grey’s Anatomy” has a cast of no fewer than 14 main characters, by my count. Two of them happen to be gay and in a relationship. Many, many of the other characters are straight and also in relationships, some of them married even. But that one gay couple is clearly pandering, clearly.

Shonda was, of course, righteously indignant about being called a panderer. She wrote:

“Isn't love universal? Isn't that the point? That you can watch a straight couple in love or a lesbian couple in love and what you see and feel is the LOVE? How is that pandering? Maybe I've been pandering to straight couples all this time.

Another thing: one of the reasons I cast the show the way I did is because I like to turn on the TV and see people who look like me living in a world of diversity. I'm betting there's a lesbian girl out there who likes to turn on the TV and see people who love like her too.

So, you know, yeah I just went all ranty, but come on. Love is universal. Life is universal. Grow up and stop complaining and stop hating on a storyline because the characters are different from you. Because THAT? Is ridiculous.”

Besides rightfully putting that complainer in her place, Shonda got deep into the root of the problem. Which is, how is showing two people in love ever pandering? Do TV shows pander when they show a man and a woman in love? In which case, let’s cancel the entire primetime line-up with the possible exception of “Glee” – but even most of the couples there are straight. Think about that, the gayest show on broadcast television has two possible queer couplings out of more than half a dozen straight ones.

What the wider world sometimes fails to realize is how lonely it can be to turn on the television and never see yourself. Your race, your sexual orientation, your ethnicity, your gender, your religion, your disability, your whatever makes you different. You never flip the channels and think, “God, I wish there were more shows with straight people, like me.” If a show finally gives you an honest glimpse of yourself, well, that’s not pandering. That’s just, at long last, expanding the viewfinder.

When I was little, as an Asian-America girl growing up in the Midwest, I didn’t see a whole lot of myself. Through elementary school there were only two other Asian kids in my grade level. My family watched the evening news together almost every night, and we sat silently as older white men explain the world to us after dinner. And then came Connie Chung. Suddenly, if by magic, there was another opportunity that opened up to me. It wasn’t that anyone had ever told me, honey, you’ll never be a nightly news anchor because you’re an Asian girl. It was that it was intrinsically understood because no Asian girl had ever done it before. Not that I wanted to be a news anchor then. But seeing yourself reflected back in a place you’d never seen yourself before, that’s powerful.

Which brings me back to Grey’s. I watched the big musical last week, like everyone else. I was moved, like everyone else. I kind of wish the singing didn’t get in the way of the larger and more important stories being told. That is, namely, how difficult it still is to be recognized as a legitimate family member, spouse, partner when you’re gay because the law hasn’t yet risen to your level of commitment. And I really, really wish only Callie (and possibly Bailey) did the singing because everyone else, no offense, keep your day job.

But back to the story and its blatant pandering to us gays. How dare Shonda take two central characters on a major American TV show and put them in a near-death situation that only proves to solidify their love and expose our universal frailty? How dare she make us take stock of what makes a family? How dare she make us care for these gay women who want to spend the rest of their lives together? How dare she make some little gay girl out in the Midwest right now watching TV feel a little less lonely? Yep, including gay characters in organic ways and giving them developed narratives is clearly pandering to the gay/lesbian community and should be avoided at all costs.

God, if only more TV shows would pander to us like that. If only.

All of these lines across my face

Usually when actresses also sing, I cringe. Do they really have enough talent to stretch across the multi-hyphenate actress-singer? And usually the answer is a resounding no. Some are just exceptionally mediocre at both (cough, J-Lo, cough). Others try admirably with mixed results. (Oh, Gwyneth, I loved “Landslide,” but you’re no Loretta Lynn.) But then there are those who deserve the hyphen and then some. In fact, they’ve got too much talent for a simple hyphen to contain. They’re your Judy Garlands. Your Barbra Streisands. Your Kristin Chenoweths. And then, there is our Sara Ramirez. Heavens, that girl can sing. Like, really, really, really sing. Of course, you knew this already since she got her start on Broadway. She went to Juilliard School. And there’s always that Tony on her mantel in case you still don’t believe.

So it’s only for the sheer power of Sara’s voice that I plan to watch the very special “Grey’s Anatomy” musical episode March 31. I’m not a Grey’s watcher (though no disrespect to those who do – sexy people in scrubs are all good). But I do enjoy the Callie and Arizona coupling and I’ve kept an eye on what’s happening with their impending bundle of joy. The previews for the musical episode look crazy emotional and then there’s Callie ominously singing through the hallways.

Wild guess, but I think something bad happens.

To promote the musical episode, and as a generous gift to the universe, Sara sang a song from the episode at The Grove earlier this week. It was live, unedited, unAuto-Tuned. And it was perfect – flaws and all. She apparently did two takes. I rather prefer the first, especially when her voice breaks.

Though, as a public service, here is the second take shot up close. You know, just in case you want to count Sara’s pores. Those are some gorgeous pores.

I love Brandi Carlile’s music anyway. But to hear the unbridled sexy that is Sara put so much emotion into what is ostensibly a big lesbian anthem is pretty otherworldly.

OK, “Grey’s Anatomy.” I’m in. Bring on the melodrama. Just let Sara sing.

p.s. How do I get this job? I’d apply more than a little gloss to those lips.

[Photo via weltintoweeds Flickr]

Just ship it

I’m not a superfan. No, wait. Lies. I’m a superfan of you-know-who. (Hint: Glasses. Bonus hint: It’s Tina Fey.) But I’m not a superfan in the sense of internet superfan fandom. Certainly, I am a fan of a lot of shows and a lot of characters and a lot of relationships (both real and imaginary). But I don’t have entire tumblrs dedicated exclusively to them or read/write femslash feverishly about them or join message boards to gab with strangers over them. I’m not disparaging such activities in the least – far from it. I find that level of devotion and inspiration amazing and one of the best things about the internet. It allows us to create and cultivate the communities we care about the most. It’s just that I come from a time when being a young fan meant begging your mom to buy the latest copy of Tiger Beat and then taping a poster of Michael J. Fox to your bedroom door while secretly starring at pictures of Jennifer Connelly from “Labyrinth” and wanting desperately to stroke her pretty, pretty hair.

So I am impressed and awed (and only occasionally frightened) by the fervor of online fandoms, particularly lesbian fandoms. When we invest, sweet Jesus and Mary, do we ever invest. So in the interest of sharing, I want to know yours. What’s your fandom? Now, I realize, you probably enjoy multiple fandoms simultaneously. This is the 21st Century and we’re all consenting adults – at least in our imaginations. But what is your No. 1, most-adored, most-obsessed about, most-likely-to-watch-YouTube-fanvids-until-3am lesbian fandom? Which lady ship – either canon or subtext – makes your heart race the fastest?

To get the conversation started, here are just a very few of the biggies – both past and present.

Tibette, “The L Word”The lesbian power couple, period.

Naomily, “Skins”I loved them from the first time I saw them; I think I was 12.
(Not really, but metaphorically.)

Calzona, “Grey’s Anatomy”Good women in a storm.

Rizzles, “Rizzoli & Isles”Where subtext meets chemistry and has a big, fat, gay baby.

Brittana, “Glee”BFFs forever, with benefits.

Xena/Gabrielle, “Xena Warrior Princess”They don’t even need a dumb portmanteau.

So, share. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. (Wait, is there a Princess Bride fandom?)

p.s. Dammit, I just realized this whole thing is a lie. I am a recovering Willow/Tara shipper with the Kitten Board T-shirt to prove it.

My Weekend Crush

I can say when I’m wrong. I’m a big girl. I make mistakes. I misjudge. I prejudge. I can have judgey issues. But when I’m wrong, I’m wrong and I’ll happily call myself on it. And I was wrong about Jessica Capshaw on “Grey’s Anatomy.” Not that I was against her as a person, per se, but I was against the idea of her as a replacement for the dearly departed into The Parking Lot of No Return Brooke Smith. That sort of inconsistent, out-of-nowhere narrative always drives me nuts. At the time it felt like the all-too familiar upgrade to a younger, hotter model. But time has a way of doing its thing with wounds. And Jessica, well, she has been impossible to dislike on “Grey’s.”

I still don’t really watch “Grey’s.” I’ve cut medical dramas (yes, you too, “House) out of my repertoire this year and so I only keep track in occasional late-night YouTube Calzona binges. But I know that they’re good together, and I know that’s a credit to Jessica. What came across as youthful eagerness in her role as poor T&A Nadia on “The L Word” has evolved into mature confidence as Arizona on “Grey’s.” Her Arizona is tough yet tender, secure yet sexy. While I normally loathe to use the word perky, she is a charming perky. She and Callie fit, they make sense (unlike their crazy airport breakup, but that’s a whole other story). So whenever that big smile breaks out over Jessica’s heart-shaped face, well, I’ve never felt better about being wrong about something in my life. She is a good man in a storm, that one. Happy weekend, all.

Sight gag

Life needs a blooper reel. Like, say, you’re going about your day and trip on an imaginary rock while walking into the office. Blooper reel! Or you’re grabbing a latte and spill the entire thing on your white blouse while the cute barista you’ve been trying to chat up for a month watches. Blooper reel! Or you walk into your boss’ office hoping to ask for a raise and accidentally call him by your secret nickname for him: Mr. Nutter Butter. That is going to kill in the blooper reel! Sadly, life does not have a blooper reel, but TV blessedly does.

In honor of tonight’s two – yes, TWO – live “30 Rock” broadcasts (East and West coast shows), here are a few very choice bloopers reels. I don’t wish flubbed lines on anyone, but if they must be flubbed let them be this funny.

30 Rock

So many sparrows, and by sparrows I mean flubbed lines.

Grey’s Anatomy

Snorting is always, always funny.

Chuck

Was I supposed to laugh at Yvonne StraHOTski dancing? Because mostly there was just drool.

Fringe

Pacey is hilarious. What? I don’t watch Fringe enough to remember his new name.

Smell Like a Muppet

Not a blooper, just adorable.

Hell, I think I’m just going to yell “Blooper reel!” next time I screw up royally. Couldn’t hurt, right?

Kiss and make it better

I had a hell of a weekend. And, to be honest, I’m still recuperating a bit. But there’s one thing that always makes me feel better: Watching girls kissing. So instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour, like I had planned, to try and wake up refreshed and ready for the work week I spent hours engaged in perhaps the biggest time suck known to the universe: Searching for clips of girls kissing on YouTube. And because I’m not greedy, I’m passing my finds on to you. A few of the best TV kisses, just to brighten your Monday.

Callie & Arizona, Grey’s Anatomy

And the trend of lesbian bathroom kisses continues.

Dana & Lara, The L Word

Kisses against lockers…

Naomi & Emily, Skins

…are fucking hot.

Thelma & Cassie, Hex

So, fine, this was just a dream. A very, very good dream.

Alex & Jessica, Mistresses

I know this post is about kisses, but the hottest thing in this clip is the way Anna Torv unbuttons her shirt. There is something tremendously sexy about how she uses her hands, ahem.

p.s. Is it just me, or have the English just had better lesbian kisses on TV? Must be the accents.

Target practice

When Sarah Haskins says “Target: Women” she means “target women.” As hello bullseye, goodbye breathing. You see, Sarah has uncovered a sinister plot at the “Today” show. A plot that is being played out for a national television audience oblivious to the grizzly fate that awaits one of their morning favorites. It's a plot to kill Ann Curry.

Now, of course, this got me thinking about whether other women on our televisions should worry for their safety. Perhaps Ann isn't the only one with a primetime hit on her life. And, sure enough, a few sprang immediately to mind. The signs are everywhere. Their fates are sealed. And now, we the viewing audience can only watch as their shows execute the old leave the gun, take the cannoli routine.

The Target: Izzie Stevens, “Grey's Anatomy”The Signs: Never mind seeing dead people, she sleeps with them.
The Hit:It's not a tumor. Maybe it is. Work faster, interns!
The Cannoli: Perhaps not dead, but definitely gone by summer.

The Target: Thirteen, “House”The Signs: Chronic partying, occasional bisexuality, terminally dull relationship with male co-worker
The Hit: The Huntington's was apparently moving too slowly, so why not throw in a tumor and blindness?
The Cannoli: Would they really kill off two girlfriends in two consecutive seasons? Only if you can die from boredom.

The Target: Jenny Schecter, “The L Word”The Signs: Everyone screaming “I'm going to fucking kill you Jenny Schecter!”
The Hit: Best to heed those “no lifeguard on duty” warnings, hon.
The Cannoli: Jenny Schecter. January 18, 2004-March 8, 2009. Deranged Daughter. Insane Friend. She annoyed the world, a lot.

So, can you think of any other easy targets? And I can't be the only one who would kill for a cannoli right now...figuratively.

Who, me, seriously?

Aww, you guys. Now I'm all verklempt. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you for voting for my little corner of the interwebs in The Lezzys. I'm just one little snarky gal, who stays up way too late each night and spends way too much time Googling phrases like “hot” plus “tank top” plus “Tina Fey.” I'm ridiculously touched by your support. That you ladies (and discerning gentlemen) come back day after day and put up with the flotsam and jetsam that floats through my mind at 3 a.m. is truly the greatest honor. You make the sleep deprivation worth it.

I'd like to congratulate all of the other winners, the hilarious Grace the Spot, who I was honored to lose to for Humor Blog, the artist formerly known as Autowin Surrenders and actually known as This Girl Called Automatic Win for Personal Blog, Lesbian Dad for Parenting Blog, Pam's House Blend for Political Blog, Just Eat Your Cupcake for Over 50 Blog and the always sexy Sugarbutch Chronicles for both Gender and Sex Blog. Also a huge thank you to Kelly, a.k.a. Gold Star Dyke over at The Lesbian Lifestyle for organizing the awards and honoring all this homofabulouness.

So now as a token of my gratitude, and in the spirit of this week's battle royales, won't you join me in a celebratory dance off? Just be sure stretch first, 'cause this is gonna to be epic. And with that I give you Everybody Dance Now: “Grey's Anatomy” vs. “30 Rock.” Though with moves like these, I think we're the real winners.

Grey's Anatomy

30 Rock

Bonus: Liz Lemon

(Why? Because I feel bad that she lost out on the Stephanie March hotness yesterday, that's why. Also, duh, you can see her bra.)

Thanks again, all. Same place, same time tomorrow; shall we?

p.s. In case the groove is now permanently in your heart, the music was “Diplo Rhythm” by Diplo for Grey's and “Combat” by Flobots for 30 Rock.

Say it with Snarker

I am not a huge fan of Valentine's Day. In a relationship, out of a relationship, the day has always had an artifice to it that crassly commodified the simple declaration of love. Also, you know, I'm bitter. But beyond the Hallmarkification of the holiday and price gouging of roses, I actually do – deep down – appreciate the sentiment. Love in all its many forms is undeniably grand, even if the before and after can be entirely the opposite. So in honor of florists' Cupid's big day, here are some cards that celebrate queer love, or something like it. Sure, all the smart lesbians are already saying it with Maddow. But, what these lack in hot, nerdy, policy wonkiness they make up for in terrible Photoshopping skills. Send them to someone you love, lust or would just like to see naked this Valentine's Day. [Click any and all to enlarge the snark love]

And, just to show that I have a heart, here is one snark-free offering. Hey, it's not that I've gone soft. It's just that I'm excited about the half-price chocolates come Feb. 15.

Greetings from Arizona

[SPOILERS! Grey's Anatomy Spoilers! Skedaddle, STAT if you don't want to know what happens at Seattle Grace tonight.]

So, do you remember how “Grey's Anatomy” made our little lesbian dreams vanish into the parking lot of no return? And do you remember when, despite rumors that ABC executives did not like the “explicit nature” of Callie and Erica's relationship, show creator Shonda Rhimes insisted Brooke Smith was not fired for playing a lesbian and that she believed it “belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian'?” And then remember how almost exactly a month later news broke that, never mind, she had indeed simply replaced Erica with another lesbian – just a younger and (by conventional straight male standards) hotter lesbian?

Well, Grey's attempt to short circuit your short term memory comes to fruition in the form of Dr. Arizona Robbins tonight. Despite being one of the dumbest character names possibly ever (what, New Mexico Häagen-Dazs was unavailable?), Jessica Capshaw (that's Nadia to you and Bette) seems like a cheerful presence on Grey's. Given her striking resemblance to Brooke, producers have gone out of their way to make Arizona the anti-Erica. She is smiley. She is chipper She is friendly.

And when I say friendly, I mean friendly. As in, I-wish-girls-would-be-this-friendly-to-me-when-introducing-themselves friendly. But let me back up. As reported earlier, tonight's episode features “girl-on-girl action” (their words, not mine). Having seen the episode, I can say there is a some action, and it's definitely girl-on-girl. But far from being salacious it's actually rather sweet.

First, you only need to tune into the very last five minutes of the show to see everything. Second, it only lasts about a minute and a half. So, right there, I've freed up 58 minutes of your night.

Callie is upset because she is celibate. I think she's upset because her bangs are ridiculous. Seriously, why would you cover up those eyebrows? Those eyebrows are sex on stilts. But I digress. Anyway, Callie is drowning her sexless sorrows at the bar. Grey's lil' sis comes up and starts talking about her love for Sloan. Callie can't take it. I can't take it. So she goes to the bathroom.

Arizona happens to be at the bar, too, and we notice her notice the departure for a split-second. Yadda yadda, Grey voiceover, yadda. The bathroom door opens and Arizona enters. Callie is at the sink ironically wiping away her wet tears about her dry spell. Arizona introduces herself and tells Callie that people at the hospital talk, so she she knows things about her. Callie realizes that “things” means “The Gay” and spits out, “Terrific.” Arizona is unfamiliar with sarcasm and exclaims that it is terrific, and proceeds to say how “people” really like her and how “people” are interested in her and how some “people” really like her.

Arizona tells her that when she is done being upset, “people” will be lining up for her. Since her flirting density shield is obviously activated, Callie doesn't pick up that “people” is actually one person. Instead she gives one of those deliciously deep laughs and implores, “You want to give me some names?” To which Arizona gives her the patented “Me, dumbass” look and then this happens.

She answers “I think you'll know” and leaves with a cute smile.

And Callie is left bewildered with her own cute smile.

Fuck, am I going to have to start watching this show again?

Given that this is the only episode I've seen since Erica walked off into the asphalt and this whole show tends to annoy me (The whiny, it burns!), it's a ridiculously tough sell.

On the one hand I love Sara and would watch her kiss a forklift if I had to (not that I want to; this isn't a weird forklift fetish...shit, here come the crazy Google searches). But on the other hand I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore about broadcast TV's treatment of lesbian and bisexual characters this season. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the dumbass who just got fooled twice.

Ultimately the dishonorable way Grey's disposed of Callica means no matter what delectable offerings Calzona (you know, because of the possibility of cheese) has in store, it will forever be tainted. Bitter is one of those taste that lingers, no matter how many sweets you try to wash it away.

Same story, different lesbian

Everything about “Grey’s Anatomy” makes me want to pound my head into a wall these days. Granted, what little I used to watch I stopped watching altogether as soon as news of The Great Parking Lot Blowout That Blew of 2008 happened. But now comes news that can only be deemed an insult to anyone with eyes and short-term memory.

Let’s take a trip in the way-back machine, way back to November 3 when Grey’s creator Shonda Rhimes issued a statement after Brooke Smith’s firing that read, in part:

“The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season.”

And then there was Callie's own admission to Erica about her sexuality from this season's premiere when she said:

“I'm not sure I even like kissing girls. I don't, actually, like kissing girls. I just like kissing one girl – you.”

Guess what, NEVER MIND suckers!

Turns out Callie will indeed simply “replace Erica with ‘another lesbian’.” And that lesbian would be played by one Jessica Capshaw. Jessica will join the cast as Dr. Arizona Robbins, a pediatrician who comes in to help Bailey with a case for a three-episode arc in January. And word on the lesbo street is that she shares a kiss, if not more, with Sara Ramirez’s Callie.

Where. To. Start? Let’s start small and let the anger build organically, shall we.

First, um, Arizona ? Did they get her name while playing “I Spy” on a road trip to the Grand Canyon ? “I spy, with my little eye…a Baskin-Robbins! I spy…an Arizona Route-64 sign! Hey, that’d be a great character name…”

Second, didn’t I read that Callie and crazy Sadie were flirting recently? Oh, wait, sorry – that’s right. They are bisexual, so that means they are fast and loose with the fellas and the ladies. Carry on. These ridiculous stereotypes won’t perpetuate themselves.

Third, when exactly did “The L Word” become the farm team for “Grey’s Anatomy?” First Papi (Janina Gavankar has wisely since left her blink-and-you’ll-miss-her role) and now Bette’s cast-off Nadia all stop into Seattle Grace? You remember T&A, err, TA Nadia, right? She thought Bette had boxer’s arms and then they went at it like teenagers on prom night in Bette’s Saab.

Finally fourth, and most infuriatingly, how did this show and its lesbian characters turn into a dramatic recreation of those dumb “Upgrade” commercials? I mean, they didn’t even try to pick an actress who looked significantly different than Brooke. They just went for a younger and (by some mouth-breathing executive’s assessment) hotter model. Jessica is 32, Brooke is 41. The math does not lie, it only makes your blood boil.

I know that television is a medium know for its unrealistic beauty standards. And I know that many people watch television just so they can see beautiful people do beautiful things. Still this kind of obvious “trading up” points at what continues to be an ugly truth in our society. Women and their stories remain largely ornamental. So if we do not fulfill a preconceived notion of what is attractive, we are expendable.

Well fuck that noise, “Grey’s Anatomy.” Sell your bullshit elsewhere, because we’re not buying it anymore (seriously, even your straight stuff stinks: Izzie and Denny and the brain aneurysm, WTF?). We have eyes and short term memories and senses of decency. We are not expendable. We are not interchangeable. We are not stupid. Everyone, come join me on NBC at 9:30 p.m. on Thursdays instead. I hear there’s this great show with this smart lady that doesn’t insult your intelligence at every turn. Something about “30” and a “Rock.” Yeah, suck it ABC.

November isn't for lesbians

Hey, ABC, fuck you. No, seriously, I mean it. Fuck you. It's really hard to overstate my sincerity when I say this. Fuck you. Fuck. You. FUCK YOU! Just when I was happily praising you for your realistic, sensitive portrayal of a late-in-life coming out, you had to go and fuck it all up. By now you have probably heard that “Grey's Anatomy” has unceremoniously fired Brooke Smith, abruptly ending Callica and pissing off lesbians everywhere. Erica Hahn's last day at Seattle Grace is Thursday. This news is beyond shocking, it's beyond sad, it's beyond insulting. It's infuriating. It's so fucking infuriating.

It's also a reminder that lesbian and bisexual viewers are continually and callously shortchanged by their televisions. Callica was the only lesbian/bisexual couple on primetime broadcast TV. This means after Thursday there will be no lesbian/bisexual couples on primetime broadcast television. Let's let that sink in for a minute. Television is, of course, notorious for being non-inclusive. But no lesbian couples, not a single one? Zero? That's not just being non-inclusive, that's being delusional.

And almost more infuriating is the supposed reasoning. ABC execs “had issues” with the “explicit direction” of Callica’s relationship, and disliked Erica’s character. So let's break their “reasoning” down. Issues with the explicit direction? Translation: Gay relationships are still icky, especially when love and sex are involved and it's not on “Girls Gone Wild.” Dislike for Erica's character? Translation: She doesn't look like Olivia Wilde. Dammit, why didn't we hire Olivia Wilde?

Couple this shocking news with the news that Melissa George's new intern character Sadie has been de-gayed and you have a show that has gone from one of the best depictions of a gay relationship on TV this year to one of the very worst in the span of just a week. Now Brooke Smith has said show creator Shonda Rhimes' hands were tied with the decision, which is probably true. But she certainly didn't help the situation by issuing a statement that borders on insulting and flirts with idiocy.

“Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it's not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show – Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke's character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season.”

God, where to start? A) Calliope is not a lesbian, she is bisexual. That point was made explicitly, twice, last week when she slept with Sloan and realized it was no better/worse than sleeping with Hahn. B) The magic and chemistry could not not be sustained? Have you been watching the show? Did you see Brooke's speech last week? No magic and chemistry my ass.

Queer TV fans are painfully aware of the scarcity of their storylines on TV. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt when a relationship so many can finally relate to is taken away for at best arbitrary and at worst bigoted reasons. We deserve to see our lives reflected back to us when we turn on our televisions. And we're allowed to be really fucking pissed when they aren't. ABC, you need glasses. Because this is just blind stupidity.

p.s. Let ABC know how you feel here. Hey, does anyone else think we should flood them with pairs of glasses, à la "Jericho" and the peanuts? Or maybe that's just my blind rage talking.

November is for lesbians

Now, I don't know about you, but I have a love/hate relationship with November. On the one hand, I love it. It's my birthday month. It's still fall. And it has loads of lesbians on TV. On the other hand, I hate it. I turn a year older. It's almost winter. And it has loads of lesbians on TV. Wait, when did lesbians on TV become a bad thing? When they're on TV in November, just in time for sweeps month.

Oh, sweeps, those two times a year when TV is filled with big stars and lesbian kisses. Heck, sometimes it's even filled with big lesbian star kisses. This month is no different. Already we've seen Callica consummate on “Grey's Anatomy” and Reese propose to Bianca on “All My Children.” Doctor Feelbad “House” was apparently a little, um, overexcited about his lesbian content because last month's episode with Thirteen's hot (though ultimately disappointing) girl-on-girl action came premature for sweeps.

But the month isn't done delivering The Gay. First on Wednesday, “Bones” forensic artist Angela reunites with her college fling Roxie. Turns out they dated for a year in art school. Ah, L.U.G. love. Though, clearly, some residual feeling still exist since they're totally working the lesbian twin look.

As for their reunion, well, it involves murder and naked portraits. Gosh, isn't that always the way with exes?

Then on Nov. 13 say hello to Melissa George as the new bisexual intern Sadie on Grey's. Producers have teased that she has a “history” with our fair narrator herself, Meredith. I doubt it. But photos like this, clearly, are meant to make us go hmmm. Meredith's face says no, but Sadie's forearms say yes.

Which is where the conundrum comes in for viewers like us. Look, we know this is all just an obvious, desperate (not to mentioned clichéd) ploy to prop up the ratings. But we're totally still going to watch. How can we not? When you're used to crumbs, any stray cookie that gets thrown your way will seem like a feast. And, to be honest, it's not all bad.

The Callica storyline has been one of the more thoughtful and nuanced lesbian/bisexual storylines I've seen on mainstream television in recent history. Last week, in particular, Erica's revelation – in both the figurative and biblical senses, ahem – was just about as poetic and heartbreaking an illustration of that light bulb moment as you can put to screen.

You are glasses. Wow. More stuff like that, please, November.

Grey zone

Ladies (and discerning gentlemen), I have seen The Scene in tonight's “Grey's Anatomy” premiere. You know, The Scene called “awesome, awkward, totally endearing” between Callie and Erica. [Note: This would be your spoiler warning. Shoo, shoo!]

For those who plan to fast forward to the good parts, you're going to have to fast forward for quite a long time. There are a couple of cute, quick non-addressing the issue scenes early on. Then one subtexty, quick non-addressing the issue scene in the middle. And then you'll need to skip to the last eight minutes of the whole two-hour show to get to the good stuff. But when you get there, it is indeed “awkward” and “endearing.” I'm going to reserve “awesome” for now, just because my definition of awesome usually involves kissing. It also lasts longer. The Scene in question is only about a minute and a half.

But in that 90 seconds you get to hear them say “the experiment was kind of a success,” “I've never done this before,” “this kinda makes us virgins” and “we can be scared together.” You also get to see them make faces like this:

See what I meant about endearing?

You'll just have to watch for the rest. But until then, please enjoy something that really is awesome. The kind of awesome that sustained Callica fans through the long, hot summer. The kiss:

p.s. By the way, the scorching soundtrack to their kiss in last season's finale is “The Quest” by Bryn Christopher. If you like what you hear, I have five digital EPs of his to give away. If you want one, leave your email in the comments (feel free to spell it out to foil spammers). Enter until midnight tonight. I'll pick five at random and let you know the winners Monday.

UPDATE I: Thanks for entering. See the winners here.

UPDATE II: Look, ma, no fast-forwarding. [Hat tip, Debbie!]

Grey’s gays

I've already admitted that I don't watch “Grey's Anatomy.” It's too “look at my navel, isn't it's fascinating” for my taste. But even I can't help but get excited at the prospect of the return of Callie and Erica in one week. An actual female gay couple on scripted broadcast television? And neither one is pregnant? (Oh, yeah, Shonda Rhimes kiboshed that speculation, hallelujah!) Now, all you Callica fans can finally see the real thing after months and months of tiding yourself over with fanfic. So, what will the new season hold for TV's favorite (read: only) female doctor couple?

According to The Ausiello Files, fans will have to wait to the end of next Thursday's season premiere for the good stuff. But when it comes, it could be very good indeed. He reports:

“There's an awesome, awkward, totally endearing scene between the two of them at the end of the premiere. Sara Ramirez, in particular, is just fantastic.”

Awesome? Awkward? Endearing? That sounds like my first lesbian kiss, but you'd also have to add “Clumsy” to my list of adjectives. And, is it just me, or does Sara Ramirez look a little extra gay in this still from the first episode?

[Click to examine for gayness]

Though, seriously ABC, could you have possibly seated Sara and Brooke Smith further apart in this promo shot? Sheesh, why not ship one of them to Siberia, it would be closer.

In other news, Ausiello hints that the Callica love train may not be the only Sapphic action at Seattle Grace this season. Could it be that the the new female intern (Janina Gavankar, but she'll always be Papi to you and me) is also bisexual? Again, he reports:

“Meanwhile, looking ahead, there's buzz that Callica may not be the only members of Seattle Grace's rapidly expanding LGBT community. Although I haven't been able to confirm this, there's a rumor going around that when the casting call for the new female intern went out last month, interested parties were told they had to be comfortable making out with both men and women. Coincidence then that the actress who got the role hails from The L Word? Only time will tell!”

While it's a tad obvious to go with an L Word actress for the role, I'm always happy to see more of The Gay on the old idiot box. Imagine that, three gay woman on one show. What a concept. Damn, I may actually have to start watching, navel lint and all.

Sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g...

[Spoilers, spoilers Will Robinson! “Grey’s Anatomy” spoilers!]

Once again, I am going to preface this post by saying that these are just rumors and speculations. The rumors come from TV Guide (soon-to-be EW) scoopmeister Michael Ausiello, who is as close as you come to a reliable source in this department. The speculations come from me. OK, last chance spoilerphobes. Leave now or forever hold your peace.

From his May 28 Ask Ausiello:
Question: Grey's scoop, please!
Ausiello: I hear someone may be preggers — and that someone shared a red-hot smooch in the finale!

To which I say, “Nooooooooooooo!”

Now, I can’t be the only one who thinks the “red-hot smooch” couple in question is Callie and Erica. The Meredith/McDreamy kiss was more romantic. The Izzie/Alex kiss was more desperate. The rest were tangential. Judge for yourself which was “red-hot.”

I don’t even watch/like Grey’s, but I appreciate a well-written lesbian/bisexual storyline as much as the next gal. That kiss was genuine. That kiss was hot. That kiss was genuinely hot.

Sadly, I can also smell a pregnant lesbian storyline coming from miles away. Empirical evidence aside, a Callie or Erica pregnancy simply seems more feasible within the context of the show. I mean, come on, is Shonda Rhimes really going to make Pompeo or Heigl pregnant next season? Seriously, think about it.

Of course, I could be wrong. I could be very, incredibly, completely wrong. And let’s hope that I am. But if I am not wrong then, dude, what the fuck?

Must the pregnant lesbian storyline be TV’s go-to plot point for the Sapphically inclined? What is it about lesbians that makes writers automatically think procreation? Is it that they see two women together and immediately assume that means double the maternal instinct? Or is it just easier to desexualize them by making them all about the kiddies?

Look, I have nothing against real-life pregnant lesbians. In fact, mazel tov! But the pregnant couple/custody battle/insemination struggle lesbian storyline is beyond old and moldy (and not in that good exotic French cheese kind of way). Just off the very tippy-top of my head I can rattle off “Friends,” “ER,” “Queer as Folk,” “The Wire,” “Exes & Ohs,” “The L Word,” “Cashmere Mafia” and that doesn’t even include TV movies or guest appearances.

The ridiculous overuse of the pregnant lesbian storyline denies the rich array of other experiences in our relationships between the k-i-s-s-i-n-g, then love, then marriage and then – finally – a baby in a baby carriage.

So, you know, let’s just hope I’m wrong.