Love Lobos

Heavens, I seem to have angered a whole lesbian fandom inadvertently. And one that I like a lot, at that. So yesterday, when I tweeted my surprise at Isabel & Cristina of the Spanish series “Tierra de lobos” leading the AfterEllen.com Cutest TV Couple of 2011 over Brittany & Santana of “Glee,” I did so with honest surprise. But there was no judgment, other than to say, you know, wow. And, yes, I voted for Brittana because they are one of my original ships. I really wasn’t much of a shipper before they came along, to be honest. I mean, maybe Mulder & Scully and Willow & Tara and the requisite Tina & Bette (and sundry other “The L Word” ships to a lesser degree). But otherwise, I was still a fairly passive TV watcher devoid of very strong shipper feelings. And then, bam, cheerleaders who scissor came along. So, you know, you always respect the first who made you start acting like a crazy person and entering the fandom in a big way.

So, hence, I expressed what I thought was playful surprise at the poll results so far. Thing is, “Tierra de Lobos” is a European show shot in Spanish and AE is (while it reaches a vast international audience) a U.S.-based site written in English. Anyway, that’s a long way of saying that my surprise does not mean I don’t have respect for the Isabel & Cristina (or Crisabel, ‘cause we’re all shippers here) storyline and fans. Quite the contrary. And when I tweeted, “Way to represent, Spain.” I meant, seriously, way to represent. It’s no small feat for a relatively small international show to overtake a crazy publicity snowball like “Glee.”

Again, no offense to the lovely Crisabel fans out there. Now that I’m neck-deep in shipper waters, I have to say I really root for all lesbian fandoms – actual and subtextual. And I don’t entirely understand the mentality of fandoms fighting against each other. I want all the ships to do well because more lesbian representation on TV, in all its forms, is a good thing. I also think finding subtext is just good fun, a way to help gay up the world just to our liking. And while I have my personal favorites, that certainly does not negate your favorites. Nor do I want to denigrate one fandom to pump up another. I mean, I don’t even really talk smack about Dyson from “Lost Girl.” Though I will talk smack about Finn Hudson. Oh, yes, I certainly will.

As for Crisabel, I flipped for them the moment Isabel looked through that doorway and couldn’t take her eyes off Cristina bathing as light streamed gently in over her body. (p.s. How beautifully lit is that show? So beautifully lit.) And I swooned when they finally kissed, like for real and not a make-believe neck nuzzle. And now that I’m all caught up through the betrayal, hurt, discovery, convents, S&M nuns, rescues and reunions, I have to say it is one hell of a ship. And the actresses who play Isabel & Cristina (Adriana Torrebejano and Berta Hernández, respectively) could not be more gorgeous and gorgeous together. Also, God bless that show for always finding a convenient way to get all of its gorgeous ladies to strip down to their petticoats – for the plot, of course.

If you want to catch up, here are the first few key Crisabel encounters, and then you can follow along from episode 2X07 up through 2X12 yourself here with English subtitles. (p.s. There be actual boobies ahead. And ladies kissing. Yay!)

So, no, they were not my vote for Cutest TV Couple this time. But, man, are they every something. And, because no proper fandom discussion would be complete without a proper fanvid, enjoy.

Te quiero, Crisabel fans. Te quiero. Las quiero, Crisabel fans. Las quiero. (Clearly, I do not speak Spanish and the language barrier is half the battle.)

Body of a Greek goddess

Yes, I’ve been talking about Jaime Murray a lot lately. No, I will not apologize. I mean, have you seen her? You have eyes, right? Have you seen her in a bikini? In fact, my Jaime Murray obsession of late has yielded some unexpected fruits. And, yes, I mean fruits in the totally gay way. So allow me to please take you back in the my way-back machine (you say potato, I say Tardis) to a little year known as 2008. Yes, kids, think back to when we all were still starry eyed about that Hope-y Change-y thing and a show called “Valentine” appeared on our TVs. Now, you probably do not remember this show. I do not remember this show. That’s because it aired for only aired four episodes on the CW before being canceled (the last four episodes were burned off the next summer).

But those who do remember it, or those who are similarly obsessed stalkers diligent researchers like me may have found a few of the episodes online. And this is where we all have to thank Al gore again because what I found was this entirely delightful, totally gay episode of “Valentine.” First, let me set the premise for you. “Valentine” is about a group of immortal Greek gods living in modern day and acting as matchmakers for unsuspecting folks. Jaime plays the matriarch of the family, Aphrodite. One look at Jaime in her bikini and you will know where the saying, “Body of a Greek god” comes from.

The Valentine clan also enlisted a mortal human writer to help them in their matchmaking. Among their cases is an adorable little lesbian couple who dated in college. Oh, first girlfriends, how we never really escape you. If you have 20 minutes to spare, this is really too cute to pass up. Also, you get to hear Jaime say, “I’ve always had a soft spot for lesbians.” Yeah, you’re clicking play right now, aren’t you?

See? So cute. Also, the first time Aphrodite and their human sidekick meet, this happens. (Come on, I know you have a minute and 39 seconds to spare.)

I think Jaime’s Aphrodite and Anna Silk’s Bo need to get together and make the whole universe feel alright. Or, at very least, us ladies.

It's a small world after all

So over the weekend I tried to watch “Room in Rome,” emphasis on tried. Man, that movie was a hot mess, emphasis on mess. And then I also watched “Bloomington,” which in true lesbian fashion I am still processing my feelings about. But what both movies reminded me is of the audacity of hope we have each time we watch a new lesbian movie. Maybe, just maybe, this will be The One. The good lesbian movie, at long last. We have so precious few. So I’m pleased to say there are a few lesbian films (or at the very least lesbianish ones) coming out soon that make me again hope against hope. Interestingly, they’re all foreign films. (Come on America, what happened to “We’re No. 1!”?) But who cares about borders, I’ll watch any lesbian movie from anywhere as long as it isn’t “Bar Girls.” No, seriously, never make me watch “Bar Girls” again. Let one, or with any luck all, of these movies be the bad lesbian movie antidote.

Circumstance

Wow, this movie looks beautiful. And not only beautiful, but importance as it shines a needed light of the plight of lesbians in Middle Eastern countries, in this case Iran. Also, wow, this movie looks beautiful.

Love Crime

So this isn’t so much straight-up lesbian as it is straight-up mind fuck. But there are definite lesbian undertones. Also Kristin Scott Thomas speaks French. So, you know, sold.

Kyss Mig (Kiss Me)

I’ve raved about how good this film looks before. And I’ll rave about how good it looks again. Also, have I mentioned one of my raves made the film’s official movie poster? Does this mean my ticket is free when it finally opens here?

So there you have it. A world of lesbian cinema awaits. Fingers crossed, ladies, fingers crossed.

Hungry eyes

Lesbians have a love/hate relationship with lesbian movies. We love to watch them, but we hate how bad they often are. As any nascent lesbian going through her I-must-consume-every-lesbian-movie-ever-made phase can tell you, not all lesbian movies are created equal. In fact, don’t tell the religious right this, but instead of using their so-called “ex-gay” therapies, they’d have much better results by forcing us to watch “Bar Girls” and “Claire of the Moon” on a continuous loop. They’re almost bad enough to turn even the gayest gal straight. Almost.

So this weekend, I thought I’d have a lezzer movie binge and watch one I’d never seen before. Somehow, despite my best intentions, I’d never had a chance to catch “Nina’s Heavenly Delights.” This is kind of crazy considering 1) the cast is crazy gorgeous and 2) it’s about food. Hello, gorgeous people and food consumer a good 85 percent of my waking thoughts. And it was also nice to see Shelley Conn and Laura Fraser in earlier roles, since I’ve seen both subsequently in other projects (“Mistresses” and “Lip Service,” most recently).

Was it a great film? No. Choppy plotting, uneven characterizations, contrived situations. Also, I could have done without ghost dad. I felt at any minute Whoopi Goldberg might show up and say, “Nina, you in danger, girl.” But it was cute in its own way and had so much pretty to look at in the form of Shelley and Laura that I can forgive it some of its sins. But, yeah, it’s not going on my iPhone next to “Imagine Me and You,” or anything.

What it did give us was one truly sexy moment between Shelley’s Nina and Laura’s Lisa. And I’m not talking about any of the kisses, though they were nice. They really were. But, what I thought worked best in the film was its hunger. And not just for chicken xacuti. I mean the other kind of hunger. Laura in particular does a lovely job of conveying her hunger, with her big eyes and eager face. It’s also a testament to her acting abilities that I find her entirely winsome in this film whereas I find Cat on “Lip Service” a tad irritating. But right, back to the scene.

Right, now if the whole movie had been like those 19 seconds, well, that would have been truly heavenly.

First rule of Fight Club

WARNING: Right, so if you haven’t watched the season premiere of “True Blood” yet, shoo. Get. Go on now. Spoilers are coming up. But if you’ve already watched or have no intention of watching but want to know what I’m talking about anyway, please, let us proceed together.



Right, so how much more do we love Tara now? Or, I should say, Toni. Man, I have to say she was one of the consistenly most annoying characters on “True Blood,” through no fault of her own but the writing’s consistent insistence on making her as the angry, clueless, angry some more victim. And, well, that’s no fun at parties. But now that Tara has effectively rebooted her life as an octagon-ready MMA fighter with a hot MMA fighting girlfriend, I suddenly find her so much more interesting. So much more.

Granted, we’re not really sure where this storyline is going. It’s problematic that Tara’s new identity comes with secrets and lies (Toni? Atlanta? Dead grandma?). And it’s also problematic that Tara seems to have come to whatever section of the gay-lesbian-bisexual sliding scale she is on after a series of really disastrous relationships with men. But, I’m just going to be super shallow and say how consequences-be-damned hot the scenes between Tara/Toni (Rutina Wesley) and Naomi (Vedette Lim) were in Monday’s premiere. What, you’re having trouble remembering? Let me help you with that.

Yes, the lying. Yes, the deception. Yes, the fake name. Yes, I know. I know. Still, so hot. If that’s the last we see of the luscious Naomi this season I will be a very, very, very unhappy camper.

Also, what’s in the water over there on “True Blood.” Right now Sookie and Jessica are practically the only female characters (OK, minus a few Merlotte’s waitresses) who haven’t gotten their lady loving on. To date: Pam (with the Estonian stripper), Queen Sophie-Anne (with Sookie’s cousin Hadley) and Nan from the American Vampire League (with some very topless lady in her limo) and now Tara and her MMA sparring partner? Granted, most of those are vamps – who I think might all be bisexual or pansexual or just plain equal opportunity about their horniness/hunger. But, still, that’s a lot of ladies willing to step up to the bat for our team on one show.

Right, like I was saying: Go Tara/Toni. Get it, girl. Get. It.

Love in the Big House

Lesbian in prison making out? So cliché. Lesbians in prison making out played by Mary-Louise Parker? Sign me up! Arrest me! Throw away the goddamn key! Right, sorry, getting ahead of myself. Everyone's favorite pot dealer returns for the new season of “Weeds” and things have, well, changed. (Spoilers for Season 7, though nothing not in the promos already.) It has been three years since the end of last season. In that time Nancy Botwin has turned herself in. Went to prison. And, by all appearances, went gay. Really, really gay. Observe.

[NOTE: Took out the embed to rid us of the damned autoplay. But if you haven't seen it, or want to relive it, click on over to E! where it was originally posted. It doesn't autoplay there, for what it's worth.]

Granted, this is more than likely a L.U.P. situation (Lesbian Until Parole, a second cousin twice removed from Lesbian Until Graduation). Still, I will take my Mary-Louise making out with another woman any way I can get it. Plus, I started watching “Bad Girls” during vacation which has made me a total convert to the subtle art of prison courtship. Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Mary-Louise. Hey, you're not paying attention either. You're rewatching the clip. Fine, I'll wait. It's Nancy whispering goodbye into Zoya’s ear right before leaving that gets me the most. In that one breathy moment you can see their entire past relationship flash before you. And, man, is it hot.

Though I think we should all be thanking ourselves for this scene. It looks like our letter-writing campaign last season must have paid off. What? You don’t remember that letter you wrote? Well let me refresh your memory. Last year in her interview with Vanity Fair, the reporter asked if she’d be getting any lady action with the lesbian pot dealer played by Linda Hamilton.

MLP: Yeah, yeah, I hear you. But no, that’s not happening. It’s just something they put in the trailer because it’s funny, but it doesn’t actually happen. It’s not a bad idea though. I’ve always thought that Nancy should have sex with a woman. It’d be good for her.

VF: Would it help if we started a letter-writing campaign?

MLP: Like a grassroots sort of thing? Yeah, we should do it. “People In Support of Nancy Botwin Embracing Lesbianism.” Right on.

Score one for the mighty pen. And, now we get to see if sex with a woman was indeed good for Nancy. I know it was good for me.

My love for Mary-Louise is long and storied. It started, as it did with most of us, with Ruth. And it’s carried over through her career in movies and TV. I love her adult brand of sexy. It’s not coy, it just is. When you’re a grown-ass sexy woman, you don’t have to play games. I mean, you can if you’re into that. But if you’re like Mary-Louise you can just smile and show us what you’ve got, knowing full well that we’ll want it. And we do, we really, really do.

GLAAD to meet you

[All images by Lydia Gonzales]

Waiting along a red (well, in this case blue) carpet rope line is a strange thing. You wait, and you wait, and then you wait some more. And then, all of a sudden, people you’ve seen on TV appear before you. It’s really quite bizarre. Like, hey, that’s Mario Lopez. Or, wait, is that Tabatha Coffey. And then your heart about stops dead in your chest because, oh my sweet heavenly God, IT’S NAYA FREAKING RIVERA.

But, I just might be getting ahead of myself. For those who don’t know, I covered the GLAAD Media Awards in San Francisco for AfterEllen.com over the weekend. Naya Rivera was the host and Sara Ramirez was a presenter. “Sex and the City” star Kim Cattrall and “The Kids Are All Right” director Lisa Cholodenko won awards. And I was there for the whole thing. I know, such a terrible gig.

So there I was with I’d guess about 20 to 25 other media outlets – some were photo services, some were for video outlets and many for online publications. Every outlet gets a spot on the carpet marked by one plain white sheet of paper. Luckily, not all the press showed up so my photographer and I didn’t actually have to squeeze ourselves into the size of an 8x10 sheet of paper. We had about two pieces of paper worth of space instead. (p.s. I took this crappy shot, clearly.)

As soon as one of the celebrities stepped on the carpet it was flashbulbs and the event publicist going down the line asking which outlet wanted interviews with which celebrity and then the celebrity’s publicist ushering him/her to each spot and then the celebrity smiling and answering a different variation on the same question X-number of times.

Right, but back to Naya. She came out relatively early, wearing a shimmering gold dress and some fierce, fierce matching heels. If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like the second Naya Rivera steps on a red carpet, it looks like this.

Sorry that’s so ridiculously short. I actually took it on accident, meaning to capture still photos. Clearly I’m no professional videographer, so forgive, well, pretty much everything.

A few male celebrities walked the carpet before Naya (including Mario and the cutie who won “Top Chef: Just Desserts”). But, let’s be honest, we were not there for the boys so we let them all pass. And then, then came Naya. Now, it’s a little intimidating to have the first interview of the day be The Big One. I’ll admit, I wish Lisa or Tabatha had been first to at least warm up my routine and get the bugs out. But, hey, I’ll take my Naya anytime, anywhere over not taking at all Naya. You know what I mean? Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

First things first, she shook my hand. Yes, that’s my hand. Yes, I thought temporarily about never washing it again. No, I’m not that crazy and unhygienic. Fine, I am that crazy but I’m not that unhygienic.

Second things not actually secondary, she was very warm and very gracious and very articulate throughout my interview. She also gave terrific eye contact. I got to ask her six questions (again, you can read them on AfterEllen later today), and then asked her to do a video shout-out to all her AE fans. When you see the video you’re going to laugh at its jitteriness because I couldn’t keep my hand from shaking for some unknown reason. Have I mentioned how gracious she was? I feel like I can’t use that word enough. Or the word hot. No, wait, that’s the one I can’t use enough.

And then, after I thanked her and she thanked me (I know, wait, what?), she was gone.

I’m not going to lie, after Naya all the other interviews seemed like a cakewalk. It’s not that they weren’t important, it’s just the nervous butterflies and sweaty anticipation were over. Also, I learned Sara Ramirez wasn’t going to walk the red carpet. News like that will bring down your buzz.

The rest of the night’s interviews went smoothly. Tabatha Coffey from “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover” was delightful. Also, she’s really tall. OK, I’m really short, but still, that one is a tall glass of lovely. And funny, too.

Lisa Cholodenko looked exactly like Lisa Cholodenko with her leather jacket and dark glasses and “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” hair. I asked her about that movie, by the way. And that other movie. And that thing that a lot of you didn’t like about that other movie.

And then Kim Cattrall walked the carpet last. She was there with her co-author and psychologist Michael Bader. You’ve got to hand it to her, brining a shrink to the red carpet isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard of. She was professional and took her responses seriously. Though she was seriously not taking it when the interviewer after me addressed her as if she was Samantha. The line between fact and fiction is a serious thing when you travel with a shrink.

And then it was time for dinner (chicken and couscous, if you must know). Naya came out wearing a new white dress and opened the show. Sara came out next and they hugged while passing on stage. I did not get a picture of the hug, to my eternal shame. But here they are together courtesy of GLAAD and Roxx Vodka.

[Image courtesy GLAAD]

You’re welcome, lesbians.

More people got awards, more people presented awards. There was an acrobatic performance by a very muscular man in very tiny underwear from Cirque du Soleil’s “Zumanity.” There were some video montages. There were some touching testimonials. All Things Digital founder Kara Swisher won the local hero award and was particularly impressive with her acceptance speech because she was both a) extremely smart and b) extremely funny.

Then Naya was back, first playing a game with members of the audience called “Glee Gone GLAAD” and then to auction off “sweet lady kisses.” For a second, emptying my 401K seemed like a perfectly rational decision given the circumstances. But, alas, I decided to do the fiscally responsible thing and other people (a guy and a gal – more on that at AE) won. Whatever. I’m not jealous.

And like that, the night was over. Well, not like that. We’d been there for more than six hours. And there was an after party that included booze and music and a few of the night’s celebrities roaming about freely. (No, not Naya, though apparently she did make a split-second appearance before being whisked away.) I tried to get Nelsan Ellis, that’s Lafayette from “True Blood,” to give me scoop about the upcoming season. He wouldn’t, but he was nice about it. And Tabatha continued to be a hoot and a half. Though being around her did make me feel a little self conscious about my hair. (Too many fly aways? Not enough product?) And then, then the night was really over.

Wait, did I mentioned I made Naya laugh during my interview? Yeah. Every once in a while it’s not so horrible being me.

Practice makes perfect

Right, so last night while watching “Game of Thrones” (getting a little better with the female characters, a little), one scene in particular peaked my interest. It is when Daenerys ask her handmaiden to school her in the ways of pleasing a man. Normally, the last three words of that request would mean I couldn’t give a flip. But, oh, how different things are in execution. So Dany (for short, because Daenerys is too damn had to spell) and her handmaiden Doreah have a very instructional session together. I am not ashamed, I rewound it more than once. What can I say? Beautiful women straddling each other will never not work for me. Oh, please, like you can resist. (A tad NSFW, though mostly just educational.)

But then, while watching, I thought, “Gosh, that handmaiden looks kind of familiar.” And thanks to you all (Hat tip, Tiffany!), I had my eureka moment. Well, more like a lesbureka moment. Lovely handmaiden Doreah is none other than cheeky daytime TV host Lou from “Lip Service.” Yes, that’s the delightful Roxanne McKee in both roles. No wonder she was so good with the ladies. What? Can’t remember Lou? Well, let me help jog your memory a bit with a little visual aid. I’ll bet Tess hasn’t forgotten her. (NSFW, oh, like that’s going to stop you.)

Of course, watching that little interlude from “Lip Service” just reminds me how much I miss “Lip Service.” In fact, it even makes me miss “The L Word.” Because as much as I love the lesbian/bisexual storylines on “Glee” and “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Pretty Little Liars,” they’re just one storyline out of many others. What was so great about “Lip Service” and (when it wasn’t annoying the shit out of you with incomprehensible plot points and pointless murder mysteries) “The L Word” was that they were all about the gay ladies. And without them we wait, impatiently patient, to see ourselves pop up again. Or even make due with a little practice session. It does make perfect, after all.

EDIT: Seriously, someone reported the nudity in the Tess & Lou video? Well, let’s see if DailyMotion is less prudey.

Telly Time

What do tea, taxicabs, buses, bookstores, church spires, cobblestone streets and lavish lesbian period pieces have in common? If you said, “Things that are better when British,” then reward yourself with a lovely biscuit (the British cookie kind, naturally). So imagine my delight at the news from last week that the good old Beeb will be producing yet another Sarah Waters lesbian bodice ripper. The BBC will adapt “The Night Watch,” Sarah’s most contemporary novel to date, into a 90-minute film. For those unfamiliar, “The Night Watch” is set in 1940s London, during and after the Blitz of World War II. It opens in 1947 and is told largely backwards – sort of like “Memento,” but with lesbians and without tattoos.

After “Tipping the Velvet” (for sentimental reasons), “The Night Watch” is my favorite Waters novel. In the film version mysterious, trouser-wearing Kay will be played by Anna Maxwell Martin from “Becoming Jane” and “Bleak House,” match-making agency runner Helen will be played by Claire Foy from “Little Dorrit” and her straight assistant Viv will be played by Jodie Whittaker from the TV series “Accused.”

[L-R: Anna, Claire, Jodie]

I have to say, the three women all look a bit like British doppelgangers for American actresses. Anna looks like Annette Bening’s younger sister, Helen looks like Alexis Bledel after four years at Oxford and Jodie has a Rooney Mara meets Elisha Cuthbert feel. I’m not super familiar with any of their work, since most of it is from across the pond. But the good old Beeb has an impeccable track record when it comes to sussing out fresh talent.

So, let’s raise a pint to those wily Brits for bringing more lesbian action to the telly. The country that gave us “Tipping the Velvet,” “Fingersmith” and “Lip Service” makes me seriously consider ex-pat status sometimes.

Black magic woman

Perfection is madness. It is a never-ending, all-consuming, ultimately unattainable quest. So then to single-mindedly strive for it is, in itself, a form of insanity. And it is that madness at the center of “Black Swan.”

The film is a thing of horrifying beauty, a gorgeous nightmare set in the world of elite ballet where grace is only achieved through years of punishment. That unforgiving world is Nina Sayers’ whole life. Played in a virtuoso performance by Natalie Portman, Nina is a technically brilliant but emotionally stilted dancer with the New York ballet company who dreams of leaving the corps and becoming the prima ballerina. She gets her shot when the arrogant artistic director decides to put on a reimagined production of “Swan Lake.”

And that is when things start to get freaky. The story is a story within a story. Everything, it seems, has a mirror image. The ballet company is performing “Swan Lake,” about a good swan and her evil twin. Nina looks remarkably like the new ballerina in the corps, Lily (played with irresistible smolder by Mila Kunis), who is also her understudy. And like in “Swan Lake” where the Swan Queen is rivaled by the Black Swan, uptight Nina feels threatened by seductive Lily.

Nina is sheltered in every way – she is a slip of a woman who still lives with her overbearing, stifling mother (played with creepy abandon by Barbara Hershey) and gets tucked in to bed every night in her pink childhood room surrounded by overstuffed teddy bears. Their relationship is the very definition of toxic, and not in the fun, dance-club Britney Spears way.

It’s hard to overstate how beautiful and how powerful Natalie is in this role. Some actors inhabit their parts, she shrinks into hers – both literally and figuratively. She does most of her own dancing and much has already been made of the months of rigorous training and strict diet she underwent to prepare to become this tiny dancer. Her Nina is brittle, driven, timid and obsessed. She is transcendent and terrifying and you can’t take your eyes off her magnificent face – nor can the camera. If Natalie isn’t a lock for the Oscar, she will certainly be in a caged death match with Annette Bening for the trophy come February.

In a way, “Black Swan” is the perfect female companion piece to director Darren Aronofsky’s last picture, “The Wrestler.” Both are about bone-crushing physicality and living solely for one’s art. But “Black Swan” takes the fetishism of ritual, discipline and pain to new heights. Nails split, toes crack – even a hangnail is not just a hangnail.

What is real, what isn’t real, what is a phantasmagorical paranoid lesbian fever dream? The experience is intense and trippy and gory and sexy and crazy and beautiful and painful, all at once. But mostly, just really fucking intense.

Things become unhinged in the best possible way. The movie is grandiose and overblown, preposterous and campy. Parts are even a little cliché. But it’s those very imperfections that make “Black Swan” so viscerally exciting. Like a dancer spinning precariously on point, the movie teeters on the edge of disaster.

But let’s get to why you’re really here. How was the sex between Natalie and Mila? Short version: Hot. Long version: Really hot. Seriously, even if the film wasn’t great – which is it – that scene alone is worth the ticket. Once this comes out on DVD I predict much rewinding, so much so that there might be a slight skip at one particular point on the disc. Have I mentioned that it’s hot?

Taut, claustrophobic, intimate, alive, the film crackles with manic energy. This is a movie that reminds me why I love the movies. To sit in the dark for two hours and become completely absorbed by a story is a sort of black magic. And when the spell is cast as bewitchingly as it is in “Black Swan,” you’re more than happy to fall under its exquisite madness.

UPDATE: To see when “Black Swan” is coming to a theater near you, check out the upcoming rollout dates. Then go see for yourself how everything is terrifyingly beautiful at the ballet.

My Weekend Crush

I don’t watch “The Good Wife” on a regular basis. I’m more about watching the front end of the law (crime procedurals) than the back end (legal dramas). But I have caught the show on occasion and marveled at the cool, calm and calculating customer that is Kalinda. Those knee-high boots, those mini skirts, those leather jackets. Yum. Her mystery and sexual ambiguity only adds to her allure. Is she, isn’t she? Well, after this week I’d say she definitely is. Also, let’s be honest, that kiss was fucking hot.

The revelations about her past with Donna (played by my eternal favorite Lili “Joe Lies” Taylor) pealed back an interesting layer to the Kalinda mystique to show us something we’ve almost never seen on her. Panic. Beneath those immaculately arched eyebrows flashed panic at revealing something, losing control. Fascinating stuff. And it was all expertly played by Archie Panjabi, who should have a hell of an Emmy clip reel to submit while going for the repeat. It’s not often you see someone who can be elegant, inscrutable and bad-ass all at once. But she pulls it off with style to spare. Just whatever you do, don’t let her near your car. Happy weekend, all.

Damn, Natalie, you a crazy chick

Full Disclosure: I’m writing about “Black Swan” on AfterEllen today, too. So I apologize for not giving you a full complement of different topics to read about today (and yesterday – seems I’m on bit of a double-dipping jag). But (and the interesting stuff if always after the but) in this post I get to curse and talk more about the naughty and plain old batshit crazy parts of the trailer. In other words, pull up a chair, darling.

Right, first things first, watch this thing. If you know nothing, the 10-second set up is that Natalie Portman plays a ballerina with the New York City Ballet who finally gets her shot at the prime role in “Swan Lake,” only to have newcomer Mila Kunis rival her.

Holy fucking shit, right? I am freaked out, I am turned on, I am buying a ticket.

Now much has been made of the kiss (and sex scene), Natalie and Mila have in the film. Someone who read an early script called it “hungry aggressive angry sex.” Natalie called it “extreme.” Mila called it “not smut.” I was a little wary of it before (especially because it is rumored to be ecstasy induced), but now that I’ve seen the kiss I am all aboard the hate sex train.

Speaking of sex, what exactly is happening here? OK, I know what’s happening here. But, still, dayum.

And then we have Mila letting her fingers do the walking. I like this girl already.

If nothing else, you have to be impressed by Natalie’s many faces of horror. I mean, she even pulls an Edvard Munch.

Everything is most definitely not beautiful at the ballet.

Rizzoli & the Isles of Lesbos

Hey, did you catch that show last night where, yes, there was some sort of horrible murder happened but mostly it was just a chance for Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander to insanely flirt with one another? I know I did. And I know many of you did, too, because you all joined in on the #RizzKissedAGirl live tweet-up of the Very Special Lesbian “Rizzoli & the Isles of Lesbos” episode last night. I’ve made a full, exhaustive recap of all the intense eye contact, ridiculous rack ogling and disappointingly chaste neck nuzzling over at AfterEllen today. But, as promised, I’m going to let your own tweets help tell the story.

So, how gay was the episode you ask? I’ve give it one tick below a full-blown Jane Lynch.Having Maura and Jane double-date is clearly just an excuse for them to play footsie under the table.Straight women go to the bathroom in pairs to talk about girls. Gay women go to the bathroom in pairs to make out.Well this is just a true fact.She is whispering it because she doesn’t want people to know about the one they used together last night. Clearly.Well, that or the profile picture they’re using to make them look like Angie Harmon is actually from 1993.If they do, I need to start getting friendlier with more straight girls.Again, just a true fact.This is just what I’d call a happy accident all around.See, this is why you always go straight for the mouth, people. You never know when your hot date could be surreptitiously trying to collect your DNA.Oh, and one more thing, courtesy the lovely Feromoon. This, my friends, is what I’d call a genuine “come to Jesus” moment.

Pucker up

They say when it rain it pours, but this is ridiculous. You go days, weeks, months without any good, tasty lesbianish happenings and then – BOOM – a ton of them blow up all at once. We’ve got Sandra Bullock kissing Scarlett Johansson at the MTV Movie Awards for no other reason than it’s hot to kiss Scarlett Johansson. Somewhere Meryl Streep is seething with jealousy. Then we’ve got Ruby Rose and Kim Stolz tweeting what everyone else’s gaydar already told them: Kristen Stewart seems mighty gay. Their tweets were followed by adorable Twitter death threats from Twihard wingnuts who think calling KStew (forevermore affectionately redubbed GayStew) a lesbian is slander. It’s not, kids. Also, vampires aren’t real. And finally we’ve got little Miley Cyrus air kissing a female dancer and then blowing her defense of the act by saying because their lips didn’t touch that she “did nothing wrong.” Once more with feeling: Kissing girls isn’t “wrong” or “bad” or “slanderous.” It’s just awesome. Also, did you know Cybill Shepherd has another lesbian daughter (scroll to the end)? I know! It’s totally pouring. And I’m probably missing something.

So amid this downpour I have only one thing to say: Look, straight (and gayish) ladies who want to publicly (or secretly) make out with other ladies – cool it. I’m going on vacation tomorrow for two weeks. Don’t do all your gay stuff while I’m gone and therefore can’t comment snarkily on it. I don’t want to miss all the ridiculousness. Well, OK, I could do with a little less ridiculous in some cases. I mean, what the hell was that Sandy-ScarJo kiss all about anyway? While I’m not complaining about the act itself (a refresher, girls kissing is always awesome). But I am complaining about the reasoning. For laughs? For the straight boys? For attention? Jezebel has a great rundown of the reasoning for each instant of straight-girl on straight-girl smooching. Sure, this trend of fauxmosexual snogs is good for a giggle and to fuel our most feverish wishful thinking. And ultimately, I don’t think it really hurts us – in a strange way may help normalize the concept. But call me when the real homosexuals show up. What can I say, I like my kisses to count.