Fuck Mondays

Let’s be frank, Mondays fucking suck. They can go fuck themselves. They can go take a flying fuck. They can go fuck off. Seriously, they fucking suck. And they really, really fucking suck in the doldrums of January. Ugh. January. It’s not December, with its promise of the holidays. It’s not the spring, with its flowers and showers. It’s not summer, with its summery summerness. And it’s not fall, with leaves showing off one last time. Nope, it’s January. Which fucking sucks. But you know what? We don’t have to just sit and take sucky Mondays in January. We can fight back. We can fight back the only way we can on a sucky Monday in January. By giving them a big, hearty fuck you. Like our friend M-Rod is doing.

Heidi KlumWell, it is Monday, so why not have a little Naked Lady as well?

Kristen StewartI feel like Kristen is always flipping us the bird, even when she isn’t.

Kaya ScodelarioThe middle finger is Effy Stonem’s permanent state of mind.

PinkShe somehow manages to be badass and adorable, all at once. I think it’s the overalls.

Paget BrewsterI’m only slightly distracted by the fact that the towel means she just got out of the shower.

Lucy LiuAlso slightly distracted, but this time by the freckles and hint of lower back.

Amy PoehlerYou always knew Amy would know how to expertly deploy the double bird.

Lily AllenWhereas this is the cutest double bird ever.

Joan JettAnd this, this is the sexiest double bird ever.

There, now don’t you feel better – for a Monday?

Dinner and a movie

As soon as that crisp comes into the air, I think of two things. One, how much of a pain in the ass it will be to have to travel during the holidays. I mean, really, airports at Christmas are the least merry places on Earth. And then the second, is what movies are going to make me run out to a theater near me soon. All the trailers for the big Serious Oscar Contenders start to roll out. And then the super advance trailers for next summer’s blockbusters muscle in as well. It hasn’t been a great movie year for me so far. I mean, I’ve seen some I liked (Harry Potter, I really liked Harry Potter – along with the rest of the planet), but not really that many. A few trailers for upcoming films have already caught my eye, like “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and “Albert Nobbs.” So now it’s time to look at some more films coming up soon (or soon-ish) with great female leads that look worthy a $23 tub of popcorn.

Pariah (December 2011, limited)

God, I hope this movie gets a wider release. I really, really do.

The Iron Lady (December 2011)

Not because of Thatcher, all because of Streep. Also Giles (I see you, Anthony Stewart Head, I see you.)

Haywire (January 2012)

To die between mixed martial arts fighter Gina Carano’s thighs? Um, I can think of worse ways to go.

The Hunger Games (March 2012)

OK, OK. I’m convinced. Bring on the dystopia and bows and arrows.

Snow White and the Huntsman (June 2012)

Yes, K-Stew in shining armor is nice. But make no mistake, I am seeing this movie for Charlize. Evil, succubusy, gorgeous Charlize.

Brave (June 2012)

Is it possible to be envious of an animated character’s hair? Because, I am. Also, her feisty attitude ain’t bad either.

Right. So, now the only question is do you want extra butter on your popcorn or not?

Picture perfect

KITTENS! Did you miss me? I missed you! So much! Like crazy! I had an aces vacation though. I got to see Italy for the very first time. I got to wade into the Mediterranean Sea for the very first time. I ate pretty much every carb I could find across five countries. I learned that instead of exchanging our worthless dollars for Euros, Americans should just bring suitcases full of Converse and Coca-Cola to barter with instead. And, of course, I took lots and lots of pictures. Pictures of the beautiful Tuscan landscape. Pictures of the impossibly azure water. Pictures of food, glorious food. And, yes, even a few pictures of myself. (If you’re so inclined, you can catch a few of my holiday snaps over at Ms. Snarker Regrets.) What I learned is that taking good pictures is hard and that I should probably stick to this word thing. But that’s not to dissuade others from lifting a lens. And, if the lady behind said lens happens to be lovely herself – like the luscious Rosario Dawson – well, all the better. Say cheese, darlings.

Marion CotillardLight, camera, drool.

Naomi WattsMy what a big…lens you have. Yes, lens, definitely lens.

Diane KrugerThis is exactly how I looked reviewing my vacation pictures in the hotel room. And by “exactly,” I mean that I too had a suitcase and a camera.

Kristen BellSome Kristens seen perennially sunny in front of a camera.

Kristen StewartSome do not.

Helena Bonham CarterOh, Helena, if I was wearing that outfit I’d insist on being the one behind the camera as well.

Penelope CruzThere should, however, be some sort of law that Penelope only gets to be on the receiving end of a camera lens.

Mena SuvariWhere’d she go? Remember when she was everywhere?

Drew BarrymoreHey, it’s Thursday. And nothing says, “Welcome back from vacation,” like a little Gender Fuck.

It’s good to be back, kittens. It’s good to be back.

You must be this tall to ride

Here’s a little-known fact about Jodie Foster – she is part garden gnome. Now, I can say this as I myself am also part garden gnome. It’s a short thing. Still we of the small stature (and occasional pointy red hats) have assimilated amazingly well into normal society. Sure, sometimes we need to climb onto the shelving at Target to reach the toilet paper – seriously, do they need to put it that high? But otherwise we roam among the normal heighted with ease and confidence, oftentimes blissfully unaware of our inherent height inequity. That is until we have to take a picture. And then, alas, then it becomes all too clear. We’re garden gnomes and everyone else is gardeners. Jodie, honey, I feel your pain. And I, too, have an inordinate amount of step-stools in my house. Your secret is safe with me. I would never share all the rare photographic evidence of I’ve collected of “Gnomie” Foster mingling in the wild with the tall, tall world. Oh, wait.

Jodie & Olivia WildeI wonder how many mountain oxen Jodie dreamed of strangling while in Olivia’s towering presence.

Jodie & Kathryn BigelowWell, this isn’t even fair. Her name is BIGelow.

Jodie & Julia RobertsJodie seems to be fearfully eyeballing Julia to make sure she doesn’t step on her.

Jodie & Sigourney WeaverSigourney is clearly wishing her dress had pockets so she could put Jodie in hers and take her home.

Jodie & Queen LatifahEvery queen needs her noble gnome.

Jodie & Goldie HawnTall blonde.

Jodie & Melanie GriffithTaller blonde.

Jodie & Daryl HannahTallest blonde – though perfect eye-to-bust height.

Jodie & Sharon StoneSharon clearly has a gnome fetish.

Jodie & Kristen StewartShe played her young daughter, now taller.

Jodie & Jena MaloneShe played her younger self, now taller.

Jodie & Tom CruiseCome on, she even makes Tom Cruise look giant.

Jodie & Holly HunterFinally, Jodie is among her kind.

We garden gnomes are a proud people. But, yes, we will let you help up get that bowl off the top shelf.

Pucker up

They say when it rain it pours, but this is ridiculous. You go days, weeks, months without any good, tasty lesbianish happenings and then – BOOM – a ton of them blow up all at once. We’ve got Sandra Bullock kissing Scarlett Johansson at the MTV Movie Awards for no other reason than it’s hot to kiss Scarlett Johansson. Somewhere Meryl Streep is seething with jealousy. Then we’ve got Ruby Rose and Kim Stolz tweeting what everyone else’s gaydar already told them: Kristen Stewart seems mighty gay. Their tweets were followed by adorable Twitter death threats from Twihard wingnuts who think calling KStew (forevermore affectionately redubbed GayStew) a lesbian is slander. It’s not, kids. Also, vampires aren’t real. And finally we’ve got little Miley Cyrus air kissing a female dancer and then blowing her defense of the act by saying because their lips didn’t touch that she “did nothing wrong.” Once more with feeling: Kissing girls isn’t “wrong” or “bad” or “slanderous.” It’s just awesome. Also, did you know Cybill Shepherd has another lesbian daughter (scroll to the end)? I know! It’s totally pouring. And I’m probably missing something.

So amid this downpour I have only one thing to say: Look, straight (and gayish) ladies who want to publicly (or secretly) make out with other ladies – cool it. I’m going on vacation tomorrow for two weeks. Don’t do all your gay stuff while I’m gone and therefore can’t comment snarkily on it. I don’t want to miss all the ridiculousness. Well, OK, I could do with a little less ridiculous in some cases. I mean, what the hell was that Sandy-ScarJo kiss all about anyway? While I’m not complaining about the act itself (a refresher, girls kissing is always awesome). But I am complaining about the reasoning. For laughs? For the straight boys? For attention? Jezebel has a great rundown of the reasoning for each instant of straight-girl on straight-girl smooching. Sure, this trend of fauxmosexual snogs is good for a giggle and to fuel our most feverish wishful thinking. And ultimately, I don’t think it really hurts us – in a strange way may help normalize the concept. But call me when the real homosexuals show up. What can I say, I like my kisses to count.

Cherry Bombs

I’m not going to lie, I’m excited about this movie. Will it meet expectations, I hope so. Are Dakota, Kristen & company as bad-ass as Cherie, Joan & company? Well that’s not even physically possible. But I give them an A for effort. I mean, it can’t be easy having to both look, act and sing like the real Runaways. A look and listen below at both the real and Memorex in action. Ch-ch-ch-choose your favorite.

The Runaways, Circa 2010


The Runaways, Circa 1976

SG*ALGG: Oscar Edition

Hey, lots of pretty ladies in lots of pretty dresses hugged each other last night! Oh, and they also handed out some awards. And some really pretty ladies in really pretty dresses won them! Really, the theme for the night was, “Go pretty ladies in pretty dresses!” Or, slightly less reductive, “Hooray for women in entertainment who have reached the pinnacle of their professional careers all the while breaking down barriers and making history.” In pretty dresses. And with that, it’s time for the very special Oscar edition of Straight Gals* Acting Like Gay Gals. (*With the exception of Jodie, of course. Also, jury’s still out on K-Stew. Edit: And, I know, they played mom and daughter. All of this is clearly make believe.)

Tina Fey & Elizabeth BanksElizabeth looks a little like she pulled down the left strap to Tina’s dress. I like how she thinks.

Oprah & Gabourey SidibeIf Oprah’s hand was one inch closer, Gayle would be sooo jealous.

Jennifer Lopez & Demi MooreMostly Demi is just a Straight Gal Acting Like a Drunk Gal. But that’s how many a SGALGG moment starts off. Remember college?

Meryl Streep & Amy AdamsMeryl just asking a very pregnant Amy, “It’s not mine, is it?”

Meryl Streep & Sandra BullockSandy thanked, “my lover, Meryl” and called her “SUCH a good kisser.” So kiss her, you fool.

Sandra Bullock & Helen MirrenLook, Meryl, if you don’t kiss Sandy soon Helen will. You snooze, you lose.

Anna Kendrick & Sigourney WeaverSigourney has just told Anna how they would earn their Mile High Club membership if they were both “Up in the Air.”

Miley Cyrus & Amanda SeyfriedAmanda is letting Miley down easy here. A gal’s got to have standards, you know.

Rosario Dawson & Angie HarmonHow much do you want to jump in between that soon-to-be sandwich?

Barbra Streisand & Kathryn BigelowBarbra to Kathryn: “Darling, you’re like buttah.”

Hilary Swank & Rashida JonesNothing SGALGG-y here, just thought the GGs reading might enjoy the fact that both these ladies mistakenly thought they were going to the Golden Globes. Ahem.

Kristen Stewart & Jodie FosterLover’s quarrel.

For a more comprehensive (rather than “oooh, pretty!”) look at the Oscars, check out my post at AfterEllen today.