Tank Top Tuesday: Global Warming Edition

It’s been an unusually warm winter out here in California. Granted, it’s California. So it’s always going to be warmer in the winter than, say, Minnesota. But still, even for the Golden State it’s a little nuts. Especially up here in Northern California. I mean, it’s supposed to hit the 70s this week. It’s still February, right? I know this should probably be wringing my hands about global warming and our carbon emissions. And – don’t worry, Al Gore – I totally do. But I’m also a tiny bit selfishly grateful for our depleted ozone layer. Because it means ladies are going to break out the tank tops that much faster. Hey, don’t judge me. I recycle.

Troian Bellisario

I’m so behind on my “Pretty Little Liars.” Is Spencer gay yet? Because she should be.

Lena HeadeyRemember when Lena was on that show about robots from the future and she ran around in a lot of tank tops. Yeah, me too.

Olivia WildeRemember when Olivia was on that show about teenagers from The O.C. and she made out with Mischa Barton? Yeah, me too.

Maria BelloOh, “Prime Suspect,” you could have been so damn good.

Halle BerryIt’s been 10 years since she won her Oscar. I know, that is blowing my mind too.

Mila KunisMore movies where you make out with Natalie Portman. Less movies where you make out with Justin Tumberlake. Oh, and don’t even consider making out with Ashton Kutcher again, honey.

Charlize TheronEvery time I see her in a tank top I think, “You know what, $140,000 for a kiss might even be a little low.”

Michelle RodriguezIf I had a dollar for each time Michelle gave a camera this look I’d be able to buy everyone of you a tank top, and then some.

Hope Solo

OK, OK – this isn’t “technically” a tank top. But it sure makes me appreciate warm weather. Also sweat. Also abs. Mmmm, abs.

Right, so maybe our carbon footprint isn’t looking so great. But until the rising oceans swallow all the land, I’m going to enjoy this silver lining while I can.

Fuck Mondays

Let’s be frank, Mondays fucking suck. They can go fuck themselves. They can go take a flying fuck. They can go fuck off. Seriously, they fucking suck. And they really, really fucking suck in the doldrums of January. Ugh. January. It’s not December, with its promise of the holidays. It’s not the spring, with its flowers and showers. It’s not summer, with its summery summerness. And it’s not fall, with leaves showing off one last time. Nope, it’s January. Which fucking sucks. But you know what? We don’t have to just sit and take sucky Mondays in January. We can fight back. We can fight back the only way we can on a sucky Monday in January. By giving them a big, hearty fuck you. Like our friend M-Rod is doing.

Heidi KlumWell, it is Monday, so why not have a little Naked Lady as well?

Kristen StewartI feel like Kristen is always flipping us the bird, even when she isn’t.

Kaya ScodelarioThe middle finger is Effy Stonem’s permanent state of mind.

PinkShe somehow manages to be badass and adorable, all at once. I think it’s the overalls.

Paget BrewsterI’m only slightly distracted by the fact that the towel means she just got out of the shower.

Lucy LiuAlso slightly distracted, but this time by the freckles and hint of lower back.

Amy PoehlerYou always knew Amy would know how to expertly deploy the double bird.

Lily AllenWhereas this is the cutest double bird ever.

Joan JettAnd this, this is the sexiest double bird ever.

There, now don’t you feel better – for a Monday?

Pillow queen

Well, as long as the theme this week seems to be kick-ass women, why not carry that to its ultimate scenario. Think a pillow fight is just good girlie fun? Think again. Also, I kind of feel like doing this to my Wednesday. So much to so, so little time to kick ass. Enjoy.

p.s. Any week I get to post Gina Carano and Michelle Rodriguez in tank tops is a good, good week.

Resolve this

Right, so it is a whole four days into this New Year and about time for a status check. How many resolutions have you already broken? How many have you conveniently forgotten? How many have you told yourself you’d give yourself a week to start? Be honest now. This is the internet, and no one ever lies on the internet. How about me, you ask? Well, this year instead of draconian dictates demanding better behavior, I’ve decided to make just one resolution. And my sole resolution is simple. Cut myself some slack.

Now you might be thinking, Goddammit Snarker, you slacker, you’re already as slack as slack can get. Put on a pair of slacks and you’ll be the poster child for the Gap’s new slouchy khakis campaign, “Slackers, because only your dad wears Dockers.”

But, seriously, I think it’s something we should all aspire to. People can demand a lot of us – our family, our friends, our work, our partners. But sometimes, oftentimes, we demand the most out of ourselves. And, when we don’t reach our own lofty expectations, we are also often hardest on ourselves. I can and have been mighty hard on myself in the past. Why can’t I write better? Why can’t I post more? Why can’t I answer more email? Why can’t I be better, smarter, funnier, honester – wait, is honester a word? – see the smarter thing above.

And then, then you spend a lot of useless time beating yourself up. This is almost never time well spent and almost always counterproductive. Because instead of the “Why can’t Is,” you should be focused on the “What can Is.” What can I do to write better? What can I do to post more? And, the best question of all, what can I do to be happier? The whys may give you the cause, but the whats will give you the directions.

So, that’s it for me for 2012: Cut myself some slack. If I can’t do everything, I simply can’t do everything. But I can try my very best at the things I can do. And that, that I will always promise you. Well, that and continued adoration of Tina Fey. Please, like you had to ask.

So with that, because I can and because I’m kinda good at it, here are some lovely ladies for you to enjoy in various states of dress. But in black and white, because that makes the objectification more classy. It’s a rule, look it up in your college art books. Hey, just because I’m cutting myself some slack doesn’t mean I don’t want to occasionally have you fine folks stare slack-jawed at your screens.

Michelle RodriguezIf you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun,” you’re thinking about the wrong thing.

Catherine Zeta-JonesEvery time I see her I want to turn to Michael Douglas and say, “Dude, nicely done.”

Elizabeth MitchellUncontrollable jealously of a pillow in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Diane LaneNormally I’m against shoes on the couch, normally.

Stana KaticI finally saw that movie where she plays a wife-stealing lesbian. Poor Greg Kinnear never stood a chance.

Tina TurnerIn contrast, if you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun” here, you’re thinking about the very right thing.

Happy 2012, kittens. Be good to yourself, you’re worth it.

Naked Lady Monday

Hey, only 20 shopping days left until Christmas. But don’t let the crass consumerism of what should be a season of reflection and thanks get you down. Because there are still joys to be had that cost nothing. Well, next to nothing. OK, in real life this sort of thing would take at least dinner first. Possibly several dinners. Some sparkling conversation. Plenty of wine. And, you know, a fantastic personality. I mean Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t strip down to her birthday suit and cover herself in what appears to be tar for just any old lug. But, for you today, it’s totally free. Nothing says happy holidays like a bunch of naked ladies, amirite? Holly jolly, indeed.

Monica BellucciI’m not sure how she tears herself away from the mirror each morning. I mean, the view – Jesus, the view.

Carla GuginoThat “Spy Kids” is what most of Americans know her from is a tragedy of epic proportions.

Lady GagaI still haven’t figured out if this picture turns me on or frightens me. Either way, I’m going to keep looking until I figure it out.

Sara RamirezSometimes I can’t decide if I’m more jealous of Jessica Capshaw* because she gets to kiss Sara Ramirez…

Jessica Capshaw…or Sara Ramirez for getting to kiss Jessica Capshaw

Angie HarmonI am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her… Wait, what were we talking about?

p.s. Don’t forget to catch the Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps Wednesdays on AfterEllen.

*Total brain fart on the Jennifer/Jessica thing. So many ladies, so many names, one little brain to remember them all. Apologies.

Tank Top Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. So, well, you know what to do. Hop on board, secure the safety bar and please enjoy this ride through hot ladies in tank tops. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Do not attempt to touch any of the subjects. I mean, you can attempt it if you want, but you’re just you’re just going to smudge your computer screen. And, as always, please tip your friendly neighborhood carnie as you exit the ride.

Hayley AtwellJust when you thought she couldn’t get more attractive, she puts on a tank top.



Mariska HargitayThey should set a SVU case on the beach. Because, yeah, they just should.



Paget Brewster“Criminal Minds” writers have to think of a way to get Paget into a tank top in every episode this season. You know, to make up for lost time.



Michelle RodriguezI am trying to think of an M-Rod movie where I did not see her in a tank top. Still thinking, still thinking.



Lea Michele“Glee” has been gone for so long I actually miss Rachel Berry.



Rutina WesleyMy God, Tara, you are terrible at picking allegiances. First a crazy maenad and now a crazy witch. Should have stayed in New Orleans with your hot girlfriend, girl.



Amber HeardI don’t buy the whole “The Playboy Club” is about female empowerment spin, but I do buy how good Amber looks in the bunny suit.



Angelina JolieAdmit it, sometimes you miss this Angie. She was a hell of a lot of fun. Naughty, dangerous, willing to roll around naked with Elizabeth Mitchell fun.

Vacation Vixen: Michelle Rodriguez

I think M-Rod’s Pocahontas is showing. And, strangely enough, that’s not a euphemism.

My Weekend Crush

Oh Michelle, Michelle. I have not seen “Machete” yet. But my reluctance has nothing to do with Michelle Rodriguez. In fact, M-Rod is pretty much the reason I would go see “Machete.” Well, that and the eye patch. What I like about her, beside her obvious ridiculously rocking body that makes you want to bite your fist on sight, is that she is unapologetically the tough girl. She embraces her strength, she knows it makes her different. And, to be blunt, she doesn’t give a fuck. She realizes because she doesn’t play the girlfriend or the victim, her roles are limited. As she said before:

“I could give two shits. I only wanna be someone or I respect or someone that I consider interesting or fun. I’m here to entertain people and make a statement about female empowerment and strength and that’s what I've done for the last 10 years, and people can call it typecast, but I pigeonholed myself and I put myself in that box for saying no to everything else that came on my plate.”

You have to respect that. In an industry where too many actresses feel forced to make too many concessions to make it – be the eye candy, take off your clothes, get rescued, play dumb – Michelle has made practically none. She exists solely, it seems, to be fierce. Like I was saying, respect. Happy weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday

So the dog days are definitely here. July threw down a sweltering gauntlet and I’ve never known August as a month to back down from a challenge. I expect sun. I expect warmth. Basically, I expect to sweat. So, then, what’s a gal – like poor, sweaty, sticky, glistening Gillian Anderson – supposed to do to beat the heat? Well, for one, a tank top helps. But I’m sure I can do better in the helpful advice department. What can I say? I’m a giver.

Emily DeschanelSpending a day at the beach is always a cool option.

Ashley GreenePulling at one’s clothing will help unstick them from your body.

Helen MirrenSitting near an open window will help you catch a breeze.

Katee Sackhoff & Tricia HelferRiding a motorcycle will really help you catch a breeze.

Michelle Rodriguez & companionSharing a cold beverage with a friend will cool down your core.

BeyoncéWearing short-shorts will cool your lower body.

Sigourney WeaverWearing just your skivvies will cool your whole body.

Carla Gugino

Jumping into the pool will bring down your temperature instantly.

Ashleigh Sumner, Cathy DeBuono & Jill BennettWhen all else fails, just make things hotter.
[Via “And Then Came Lola.”]

So, there you have it. Some simple, fool-proof ways to keep cool this August. Or was that hot? Either way, always wear a tank top.