Tank Top Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. So, well, you know what to do. Hop on board, secure the safety bar and please enjoy this ride through hot ladies in tank tops. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Do not attempt to touch any of the subjects. I mean, you can attempt it if you want, but you’re just you’re just going to smudge your computer screen. And, as always, please tip your friendly neighborhood carnie as you exit the ride.

Hayley AtwellJust when you thought she couldn’t get more attractive, she puts on a tank top.



Mariska HargitayThey should set a SVU case on the beach. Because, yeah, they just should.



Paget Brewster“Criminal Minds” writers have to think of a way to get Paget into a tank top in every episode this season. You know, to make up for lost time.



Michelle RodriguezI am trying to think of an M-Rod movie where I did not see her in a tank top. Still thinking, still thinking.



Lea Michele“Glee” has been gone for so long I actually miss Rachel Berry.



Rutina WesleyMy God, Tara, you are terrible at picking allegiances. First a crazy maenad and now a crazy witch. Should have stayed in New Orleans with your hot girlfriend, girl.



Amber HeardI don’t buy the whole “The Playboy Club” is about female empowerment spin, but I do buy how good Amber looks in the bunny suit.



Angelina JolieAdmit it, sometimes you miss this Angie. She was a hell of a lot of fun. Naughty, dangerous, willing to roll around naked with Elizabeth Mitchell fun.

SGALGG: Hands! Hands! Edition

You know what we haven’t done in a while? A little Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. But I feel positively inspired after seeing all those soccer stars hug each other with their legs in sportsmanship. So now, how about celebrating when the ladies get handsy? Like Chyler Leigh and Mia Kirshner. Seeing Little Grey and Crazy Jenny go all Girls Gone Wild is, um, interesting. Yes, interesting. That’s my predominant emotion right now. Interest. So in the interest of being interested, I thought I’d let some SGALGG fingers do the walking and celebrate some more-than friendly hand placements. As Willow said to Vamp Willow: Hands! Hands!

Michelle Williams & friendHand holding, the basics never go out of style.

Maria Bello & Mariska HargitayHugging, also a classic.

Blake Lively & Leighton MeesterThe old, subtle let’s compare hands trick.

Thora Birch & Mena Suvari Though, subtlety can be overrated.

Laura Harring & Naomi WattsI’m still not entirely sure what “Mulholland Dr.” was all about. But I sure liked it when they kissed.

Emily Haines & FeistAfter a few drinks, arm wrestling always seems like a good idea.

Kate Bosworth & Zoe SaldanaIt’s not Kate’s hand around her waist as much as the hand reaching down for Zoe’s other hand that makes this so, well, yum.

Jessica Alba & Kate HudsonIn my head, she’s doing the opposite of holding Kate’s dress down. My head is a good place sometimes.

Minka Kelly & Minka KellyI don’t know why, but all of a sudden that Divinyls song “I Touch Myself” is running through my head.

Annie Wersching & Angie HarmonOne hand precariously high on Annie’s waist, the other on her gun. Yep, super duper straight.

Speaking of super duper straight, here are Angie Harmon & Sasha Alexander in their new TV Guide photoshoot. Clearly, I need to make more straight female friends immediately.

Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off

So yesterday in my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap for AfterEllen, someone in comments made the very bold statement that Jane Rizzoli was more gay than Olivia Benson. Hey, don’t blame the messenger. But it is quite a question. Which super-gay, non-gay fictional police detective out butches the other? Olivia, of course, has the head start. Still Jane has the fresh momentum. It’s kind of one of life’s unanswerable chicken or egg conundrums. But that doesn’t keep us from trying. So with that I give you a point-by-point breakdown of Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off. Never let it be said that I’m afraid to ask life’s big questions.

Olivia Benson

Hands: On hips
Hair: Short
Belt: Chunky
Jacket: So many buttons

Jane Rizzoli

Hands: In pockets
Hair: Lustrous
Belt: Chunkier
Jacket: So Miami Vice

Her Gun

Benson: Points for aim.
Rizzoli: Points for forearms.

Her Girlfriend

Benson: Alex Cabot

Pros: Looks great in a suit, looks great in glasses, would make out with Tina Fey on request.
Cons: Will probably bail on date night by faking her own death.

Rizzoli: Maura Isles

Pros: Looks great in a dress, looks great in a bodysuit, would tell you the Latin root to every word in the dictionary on request.
Cons: Will probably offer you food from the dead fridge.

So, ladies (and discerning gentlemen), who takes it? Who is television’s gayest lady cop? And remember, this is so posterity, so be honest.

SGALGG & GGALGG: Emmys Edition

Wow, thems were some gay Emmys. Yes, indeedy. From Jane Lynch to “Modern Family” to that all-singing, all-spectacular Gleetastic opening number, the show was a merry and gay affair. Now, digesting the full magnitude of a major award show always takes me two days. The first day is to go over the nuts and bolts of who won this and who said that. Then the second day I can just sit back and devour the pretty. And, kittens, there was so much pretty. Let’s start with the gay gals and their lady loves (sorry, I can’t say lovers – to quote my favorite Emmy loser Tina Fey, “that word bums me out unless it’s between the words ‘meat’ and ‘pizza.’”) and then we’ll progress to the straight gals. But no matter where they stood on the Kinsey Scale, a whole lotta ladies were acting like gay gals at the Emmys. Can you blame them, I mean, we are pretty awesome.

GGALGG

Jane Lynch & Lara EmbryThe love, it burns! I love them together. I love that Jane kissed Lara when she won. I love that she also said “I love you my wife, Lara” on stage. You want to know why gay marriage matters? This is why gay marriage matters. Love.
Wanda & Alex SykesThey look like a fresco of Greek goddesses painted onto an ancient wall somewhere being uncovered by an archeologist who thrills with each brush stroke as she carefully reveals their beauty from underneath centuries of earth and time. Sorry, let me amend that, a smoking hot fresco of Greek goddesses. Hot damn, those girls – and Alex and Wanda look good, too.
SGALGG

Tina Fey & Mariska HargitayThis is becoming like a thing between these two. It is like the mere sight of each other in sleek, sparkly gowns is too much for them to take and then that hand goes from firmly around the waist to, well, firmly everywhere. Maybe Mariska and Tina are the real-life Alex and Olivia. Ship that, people.
[Hat tip, Allegra!]

Sofia Vergara & Julie BowenIf you thought Mariska had a firm grip on Tina, check out Julie’s grip on Sofia . You’d need the Jaws of Life to get her hand off of her. Plus dude in the back is totally, “Hell, yeah.”

Claire Danes & Julia Ormond

Claire looks like she has had a bit too much champagne and has just whispered “Take me home” into Julia’s ear. Also, shoot Julia, where have you been hiding all that gorgeous these last few years?

Christina Hendricks & January JonesI want to say something terribly witty about how they look together, but I’ve forgotten how to form words.

Toni Collette & Julia Louis DreyfusI like to think that the Emmy losers console each other backstage. And by “console,” I mean “make out.”

Padma Lakshmi & Gail SimmonsWhen people say food porn, this is what they’re picturing.

Heather Morris & Naya Rivera

Brittana, you’ve got me wrapped around whichever finger you want to use in whatever situation you feel like using it. Ahem.

Mariana Klaveno, Kristin Bauer & Anna PaquinThe Bill-Sookie-Eric sandwich isn’t the only threesome worth talking about on “True Blood.” Not by a long shot.

Amy Poehler, Aubrey Plaza & Tina FeySpeaking of threesomes, gay sexy vampires aren’t the only ones who look good having them. Let’s make this “30 Rock” meets “Parks and Recreation” very special crossover happen.

Archie Panjabi & the Emmy statuetteShe is going to take it behind the garage door and get it pregnant, Tracy Jordan style.

Bonus I: Best. Emmy. Picture. Ever.Tina Fey, Amy Poehler & Jon Hamm dancing their asses off. I’ll be honest, that’s a threesome I could totally get behind, too.

Bonus II: Best. Tina. Video. Ever.
After dancing her ass off with Amy and Jon while downing what I can only assume was copious amounts of champagne, Tina goes to find her limo. God, that giggle. That hair.

What it looks like when New York gets drunk, y’all. Suck it, nerds!

Trench Coat Tuesday

So, clearly, it’s a Tuesday. And, yes, Tuesdays are for tank tops. But sometimes a gal needs to mix things up a bit. I figure other articles of clothing should be allowed to stop by every now and then for a visit. Like a timeshare of hotness. So today, the humble tank top makes way for the elegant trench coat. The iconic piece of clothing is as practical as it is promising. That great promise, of course, is simple: That there will be only smooth skin and sin waiting underneath. For example, on Naomi Watts the trench says both a) I’m wearing a jacket in case things get nippy on our car ride and b) I’m wearing nothing underneath to ensure things get nipply after our ride. See, change can be good, or bad – in the someone has been a very, very bad girl sense.

Emily DeschanelMy what nice, um, “Bones” structure you have. I know – groan.

Mariska HargitayIf you get flashed by a cop, who do you call? If it’s Mariska, everyone.

Kate WinsletCold outside, hot everywhere else.

Anna Torv

Just ignore Joshua Jackson, I do on “Fringe” anyway.

Megan FoxEver since she got canned from “Transformers 3,” I’ve liked her a lot more. A lot.

Jessica CapshawDear Shonda Rhimes: Next year, please consider incorporating a trench coat into next season’s mandatory Calzona make-up sex scenes. Just a thought.

Jodie Foster

See, you’ve forgotten all about dumb old tank tops already.