Tank Top Tuesday: Gay it Forward

You know, I’m supposed to notice Stephanie March’s big yellow bandana. Because, you know, it’s yellow. But you know what I notice, well, besides the tank top? Her watch. That’s a big gay watch. Now, of course, I know Stephanie isn’t gay. She’s got Bobby freaking Flay cooking for her at home. But, she does play gay convincingly (as the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian on “30 Rock”). And, of course, gives good subtext with one Det. Olivia Benson. So, wait, where was I going with this? Oh right, those who play gay for our pleasure. Sometimes, they also wear pretty gay things for our pleasure, too. Like watches. And, of course, my personal favorite – tank tops.

Elizabeth MitchellElizabeth has earned the honorary hot plate for playing gay not once, not twice but three times. If she does a fourth, I say we have it bronzed.



Penelope CruzPenelope has only done it twice for us – but it was Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson, respectively. So, you know, good job.



Charlize TheronFine, so also played a lesbian serial killer. But, you know, nobody’s perfect.



Shay MitchellPoor dear, “A” made Emily a juicer. Though on the plus side, think of the muscle definition.



Patricia ClarksonSometimes I still expect her to talk with a German slur, like Greta from “High Art.”



Zoe SaldanaShe got to make out with Mila Kunis before it was Oscar-worthy to make out with Mila Kunis.



Piper PeraboAlso a twofer, but let’s be honest, we’ll love her forever just for kissing Lena.



Jenny ShimizuShe doesn’t have to play. She just is. My, is she ever.

Thanks for gaying it forward, ladies. And, yes, the tank tops.



EDIT: Looks like Piper and Penelope get their honorary hot plates as well for making the third time the charm. We anxiously await their fourth.

Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off

So yesterday in my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap for AfterEllen, someone in comments made the very bold statement that Jane Rizzoli was more gay than Olivia Benson. Hey, don’t blame the messenger. But it is quite a question. Which super-gay, non-gay fictional police detective out butches the other? Olivia, of course, has the head start. Still Jane has the fresh momentum. It’s kind of one of life’s unanswerable chicken or egg conundrums. But that doesn’t keep us from trying. So with that I give you a point-by-point breakdown of Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off. Never let it be said that I’m afraid to ask life’s big questions.

Olivia Benson

Hands: On hips
Hair: Short
Belt: Chunky
Jacket: So many buttons

Jane Rizzoli

Hands: In pockets
Hair: Lustrous
Belt: Chunkier
Jacket: So Miami Vice

Her Gun

Benson: Points for aim.
Rizzoli: Points for forearms.

Her Girlfriend

Benson: Alex Cabot

Pros: Looks great in a suit, looks great in glasses, would make out with Tina Fey on request.
Cons: Will probably bail on date night by faking her own death.

Rizzoli: Maura Isles

Pros: Looks great in a dress, looks great in a bodysuit, would tell you the Latin root to every word in the dictionary on request.
Cons: Will probably offer you food from the dead fridge.

So, ladies (and discerning gentlemen), who takes it? Who is television’s gayest lady cop? And remember, this is so posterity, so be honest.

SGALGG-Off: Stephanie March

Wow, since yesterday's Tank Top Tuesday-Off was such an unprecedented success (Note: the votes are still rolling in, so I'll talk to Don King later about that rematch), I thought we'd try another grudge match. But instead of tank tops, it's a Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals-Off today. Or, more accurately, Straight Gals Battling Like Gay Gals for a Straight Gal. You know, SGBLGGFSG. Fuck, that acronym just killed the alphabet.

Right, so if you aren't to bloodied from yesterday's battle, here it goes. In honor of Stephanie March's upcoming return to “Law & Order: SVU” as ADA Alex Cabot, I give you a bare-knuckles, no-holds barred brawl for her affections between...drum roll...Mariska Hargitay and Tina Fey. That's right, both women launched a thousands 'ships with their gay subtext (or maintext in the case of “30 Rock”) involving Stephanie. And both women look awfully pretty standing next to her. So, who takes it, ladies and discerning gentlemen? Also, your vote counts double if you can correctly pronounce SGBLGGFSG six-time in a row without breaking your tongue. I mean, we wouldn't want you to damage your tongue. It would make the drooling so much more unsightly.

Olivia Benson & Alex Cabot

Liz Lemon & Gretchen Thomas

So, who should Stephanie end up with? And feel to phrase your answer in the form of a fantasy sequence.

Rock this

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30 Rocks the lesbians

Wow, I’ve had 14 solid days of not being bombarded by what Paris Hilton is drinking/smoking/flashing, Nicole Richie is not eating and Kevin Federline is doing to fill each hour of each unemployed day. Bliss. Now, it’s back to the salt mines. Seems I missed a few lesbian-friendly tidbits while I was away.

• Melissa and Tammy had twins.
• A new guestbian joined the "L Word. "
• Tina Fey had a lesbian blind date with former "Law & Order: SVU" star Stephanie March on "30 Rock."

Of these development, the lesbionic "30 Rock" episode was the most entertaining. Not only was it very funny, it was also very positive. No bisexual ice-pick wielding murderers or tired pregnancy storylines in sight. You can stream the whole episode on NBC now (up until Wednesday). Skip to Part Three if you must, but do yourself a favor watch the whole thing. You'll wish you had a “brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian” of your own.

UPDATE: I wanted to add a couple pictures from the episode, since it is no longer up at NBC, for your viewing pleasure.