SGALGG: The Revenge

You know what I like? I like it when women who break up with guys who then immediately start dating women 20 years younger their junior find a way to still show up their exes in spectacular fashion. So when Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen got divorced earlier this year, and then he started to date his 23-year-old “Saturday Night Live” co-star Abby Elliott (he is 43, by the way), I thought, “Bring it, Elisabeth.” Granted, Elisabeth is only 5 years older than Abby, but her ex still managed to trade younger. Well, consider it brought. Besides her continued “Mad Men” success, Elisabeth is set to make her London stage debut next year. Opposite Keira Knightley. Who she falls in love with. In a revival of “The Children’s Hour.” Hmm, getting lesbionic with Keira night after night in front of a live audience? That’ll do it.

So, I could quibble about the play itself. Really, must we revive the lesbian love ends in tragedy and despair thing again? But the casting is amazing and the story while sad is well told. So bully for them. Of course, this role will require research. So let me offer these helpful, Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals-y acting tips to Elisabeth to prepare for her West End debut.

Hang out with fake gay ladies.Though you might want to take Joyce up on her offer next time, for practice.

Hang out with real gay ladies.Tell her you like vampires, gay ladies love vampires.

Dress like a gay lady.You know the cop contingent is your favorite float at the Pride Parade.

SGALGG at every opportunity.Erika Christensen looks more than happy to help.

Hey, but no SGALGGing with Tina.Sorry, she’s mine.

Become part of a lesbian ship.Do they have a portmanteau yet?

Become the ham in a very pretty sandwich.That’s the kind of bread you really want to butter.

Add a different kinds of Hamm.I mean, come on, even lesbians like a little Jon Hamm.

Look ridiculously hot.So random women everywhere are forced to go, “DAMN, GIRL.”

When all else fails…

…just keep getting licked.

Never mind the Stanislavski Method, this is the SGALGG Method.

SGALGG & GGALGG: Emmys Edition

Wow, thems were some gay Emmys. Yes, indeedy. From Jane Lynch to “Modern Family” to that all-singing, all-spectacular Gleetastic opening number, the show was a merry and gay affair. Now, digesting the full magnitude of a major award show always takes me two days. The first day is to go over the nuts and bolts of who won this and who said that. Then the second day I can just sit back and devour the pretty. And, kittens, there was so much pretty. Let’s start with the gay gals and their lady loves (sorry, I can’t say lovers – to quote my favorite Emmy loser Tina Fey, “that word bums me out unless it’s between the words ‘meat’ and ‘pizza.’”) and then we’ll progress to the straight gals. But no matter where they stood on the Kinsey Scale, a whole lotta ladies were acting like gay gals at the Emmys. Can you blame them, I mean, we are pretty awesome.

GGALGG

Jane Lynch & Lara EmbryThe love, it burns! I love them together. I love that Jane kissed Lara when she won. I love that she also said “I love you my wife, Lara” on stage. You want to know why gay marriage matters? This is why gay marriage matters. Love.
Wanda & Alex SykesThey look like a fresco of Greek goddesses painted onto an ancient wall somewhere being uncovered by an archeologist who thrills with each brush stroke as she carefully reveals their beauty from underneath centuries of earth and time. Sorry, let me amend that, a smoking hot fresco of Greek goddesses. Hot damn, those girls – and Alex and Wanda look good, too.
SGALGG

Tina Fey & Mariska HargitayThis is becoming like a thing between these two. It is like the mere sight of each other in sleek, sparkly gowns is too much for them to take and then that hand goes from firmly around the waist to, well, firmly everywhere. Maybe Mariska and Tina are the real-life Alex and Olivia. Ship that, people.
[Hat tip, Allegra!]

Sofia Vergara & Julie BowenIf you thought Mariska had a firm grip on Tina, check out Julie’s grip on Sofia . You’d need the Jaws of Life to get her hand off of her. Plus dude in the back is totally, “Hell, yeah.”

Claire Danes & Julia Ormond

Claire looks like she has had a bit too much champagne and has just whispered “Take me home” into Julia’s ear. Also, shoot Julia, where have you been hiding all that gorgeous these last few years?

Christina Hendricks & January JonesI want to say something terribly witty about how they look together, but I’ve forgotten how to form words.

Toni Collette & Julia Louis DreyfusI like to think that the Emmy losers console each other backstage. And by “console,” I mean “make out.”

Padma Lakshmi & Gail SimmonsWhen people say food porn, this is what they’re picturing.

Heather Morris & Naya Rivera

Brittana, you’ve got me wrapped around whichever finger you want to use in whatever situation you feel like using it. Ahem.

Mariana Klaveno, Kristin Bauer & Anna PaquinThe Bill-Sookie-Eric sandwich isn’t the only threesome worth talking about on “True Blood.” Not by a long shot.

Amy Poehler, Aubrey Plaza & Tina FeySpeaking of threesomes, gay sexy vampires aren’t the only ones who look good having them. Let’s make this “30 Rock” meets “Parks and Recreation” very special crossover happen.

Archie Panjabi & the Emmy statuetteShe is going to take it behind the garage door and get it pregnant, Tracy Jordan style.

Bonus I: Best. Emmy. Picture. Ever.Tina Fey, Amy Poehler & Jon Hamm dancing their asses off. I’ll be honest, that’s a threesome I could totally get behind, too.

Bonus II: Best. Tina. Video. Ever.
After dancing her ass off with Amy and Jon while downing what I can only assume was copious amounts of champagne, Tina goes to find her limo. God, that giggle. That hair.

What it looks like when New York gets drunk, y’all. Suck it, nerds!

SGALGG: Sharing is Caring

You know what I love? I love that you guys know me so well. Like, for instance, this photo above. Several people alerted me to this most fantastic Tina Fey-Mariska Hargitay-Sheryl Crow sandwich this week. It warms my heart that you know me so well. Of course, that could also mean I’m predictable. But, if predictable means having women send me a picture of what appears to be Tina copping a feel on Mariska as Sheryl watches approvingly, then color me predictable. Also, extra special Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals-points to Tina and Sheryl for getting a jump on their Lesbian Twin Syndrome wardrobe.

Since you shared with me, it only seems fair that I share with you. So how about some more SGALGG goodness, with a little GGALGG gayness thrown in for good measure.

Dianna Agron & Anna PaquinIf you’re going to SGALGG cheat, picking an actual gay gal is a great way to maximize your jealously factor. Lea Michele must be fuming. Also, you know Anna sneaked a peek.

Frances McDormand & Tilda Swinton
If this was a movie it would be the best acted lesbian movie of all time. Think about it, Hollywood.*

Naomi Watts & Scarlett JohanssonThis one would be pretty well acted, too. Just don’t let anyone get sucked into a blue box that’s a portal to an alternate reality that has darkly lit rooms with rich red curtains and Laura Harring.

Emily Deschanel & friendsI think, as the kids today say, UNF.

Zoe Saldana & Sigourney WeaverIf Sigourney has a thing about breasts, she should explore those feelings with Zoe instead of lashing out at our gal Kathryn Bigelow.

Amy Adams & Zooey DeschanelAccording to Esquire, Zooey is the woman most women want to sleep with. I think Amy agrees.

Olivia Wilde & some lucky SOB

That woman is so close she can probably smell Olivia’s perfume.
I hate her.

*UPDATE: OK, OK, here is the skinny on Tilda and Frances. The photos is indeed a candid. They’re talking (very closely) at the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival premiere of “Burn After Reading.” You can see a progression of them together here.

My Weekend Crush

So little Anna Paquin is family. Yesterday she came out as bisexual in a public service announcement for the We Give a Damn campaign. Now I think that may be the first outing via PSA in history. You’ve got to admire her efficiency. But what it really is is another reminder that we are everywhere. It’s also important to note that this news is not at all muted by the fact that Anna is engaged to her “True Blood” co-star Stephen Moyer. That’s pretty much the definition of being bisexual – you can be in a relationship with a man or a woman. Being with either one does not negate the other. If she is with a man it doesn’t mean that she is straight, just like if she is with a woman it doesn’t mean she is lesbian. It’s about either, that’s key.

This news also makes me want to take my gaydar in for a tune-up because she did not ping me at all. Granted, I haven’t seen much of her most recent work (remember, not a “True Blood” watcher – yet). Also I think some of it might be a resistance to seeing Anna in that way. I still vividly remember her as that precocious little girl in the sparkly blue beret hoisting her Oscar. Of course time passes and she is now 27, so that’s well into the age when it’s appropriate to have inappropriate thoughts about a person. Through her career Anna has chosen her roles judiciously. She has often taken smaller roles in good projects (“X-Men,” “Almost Famous,” “The Squid & the Whale”) instead of leads in uninspiring commercial pap. And I love that she kept that gap in her teeth. Now I’m off to think naughty things about Rogue and Kitty Pryde together. Welcome, Anna. Happy weekend, all.

EDITOR’S NOTE: It is not my policy to interfere with comments. That is your space to express your opinions, oppositions, whatever you want. I respect that inherently. I get the whole frontpage to blab, you need your space, too. So while I normally do not, as a rule, wade into the conversation, please know that I do read everything and appreciate your input.

Certain comments, while hurtful, unhelpful and ultimately just terribly ignorant, are part of this conversation. I vehemently disagree with bi-phobia. It is wrong. I believe we can only truly be accepted by the larger society if we accept all segments of our own society. The world is such a big and strange place I do not understand people who insist that their small segment is better than another small segment. We all want happiness and as long as we are pursing our happiness with a consenting other human being, who are we to judge?

Small-minded thinking cripples us all. I believe to be gay is to be open to a big umbrella of sexual otherness. There is plenty of room underneath for all of us and together we’ll shield each other from the downpour of negativity the rest of the world showers on us daily. I welcome this discussion and I hope it is looked at for what is could be: an opportunity to change minds and a reminder of the work that is still to be done.

p.s. AWESOME story about Anna checking out your girlfriend's rack, Julie.

Tank Top Tuesday

So even though it may seem like all I ever do is sit on my ass on the couch and watch TV, this is amazingly not actually the case. To be sure, I watch a lot of television. But I don’t watch everything. Now I feel downright righteous about some of non-watching stands. Still other shows make me feel downright bad about not watching. To atone for my guilt, I’d like to offer up my thank you for the lovely actresses involved. A few more tank tops like this and I’ll have to go on a series DVD renting spree of epic proportions. Good thing I like my couch.

Grace Park, Battlestar GalacticaYes, I still have never watched BSG. Please don’t tell anyone or the Geek Police will surely come to my house and arrest me for crimes against nerdiness.

Evangeline Lilly, LostThis being the final season and all, it seems ridiculous to start. Also ridiculous? A smoke monster.

Anna Paquin, True BloodI love vampires. I love Alan Ball. I have no idea why I’m not watching this show.

Chloe Sevigny, Big LoveNow this one I don’t feel quite as bad about. I mean, even Chloe said last season was “awful.”

Jessica Stroup, 90210I never watched the original either.

Blake Lively, Gossip GirlI know this show is a guilty pleasure, just not for me (sorry, Heather).

Billie Piper, Dr. WhoEvery time I happen on this show I feel two distinct things: 1) Lost and 2) Like if I wasn’t lost I’d really be enjoying myself.

Katie McGrath, MerlinSyFy had a marathon over the weekend. I had to stop to see why Rachel Weisz’s doppelganger/younger sister was running around with knights and wizards.

Stana Katic, CastleReally, I should watch just to support Captain Tight Pants. I’m a bad Whedonite.

Toni Collette, United State of TaraI have shamefully never watched. But I have the entire second season sitting on my desk. So, you know, that’s going to change.

p.s. No, really, the second season. It's a screener. Jealous?

Tank Top Tuesday

Coming off a long, lazy three-day weekend, I have to admit that I’m just not ready for the formality of business attire. So, I’m not gonna even try. Instead, let’s revel in the casual charm of the tank top. I mean, look at Keira Knightley. Does she look even remotely interested in going into the office? Whether working out, working hard or hardly working, it’s simply the best way to ease into any work week – abbreviated or not. Thanks, ladies, for reminding us that the tank top is always the preferred attire when…

…running errands, like Hilary Swank.Of course, she is taking that “running” part a little too literally. Overachiever.

…walking the dogs, like Olivia Wilde.Never before have I meant it more sincerely when I’ve said, “Lucky dogs!”

…walking a dog and a baby, like Jessical Biel.Sheesh, another overachiever.

…checking your cell, like Evangeline Lilly.If only it had GPS, this whole “Lost” thing could have been over a whole lot quicker.

…rubbing in your ability to sunbath to your undead boyfriend, like Anna Paquin.Does anyone else have to fight the urge to scream “SOOKEH!” whenever you see her?

…considering just how hot it will be to co-star with Eliza Dushku, like Summer Glau.Joss Whedon is a total babe magnet.

…relaxing before killing Bill, like Uma Thurman & Zoe Bell.Behold the beauty of always having a spare.

…arm wrestling, like Rose McGowan & Rosario Dawson.Clearly they’re wrestling to see who has to take a shower first. I call it a draw and say they shower together. Compromise is truly a beautiful thing.