Tank Top Tuesday

Coming off a long, lazy three-day weekend, I have to admit that I’m just not ready for the formality of business attire. So, I’m not gonna even try. Instead, let’s revel in the casual charm of the tank top. I mean, look at Keira Knightley. Does she look even remotely interested in going into the office? Whether working out, working hard or hardly working, it’s simply the best way to ease into any work week – abbreviated or not. Thanks, ladies, for reminding us that the tank top is always the preferred attire when…

…running errands, like Hilary Swank.Of course, she is taking that “running” part a little too literally. Overachiever.

…walking the dogs, like Olivia Wilde.Never before have I meant it more sincerely when I’ve said, “Lucky dogs!”

…walking a dog and a baby, like Jessical Biel.Sheesh, another overachiever.

…checking your cell, like Evangeline Lilly.If only it had GPS, this whole “Lost” thing could have been over a whole lot quicker.

…rubbing in your ability to sunbath to your undead boyfriend, like Anna Paquin.Does anyone else have to fight the urge to scream “SOOKEH!” whenever you see her?

…considering just how hot it will be to co-star with Eliza Dushku, like Summer Glau.Joss Whedon is a total babe magnet.

…relaxing before killing Bill, like Uma Thurman & Zoe Bell.Behold the beauty of always having a spare.

…arm wrestling, like Rose McGowan & Rosario Dawson.Clearly they’re wrestling to see who has to take a shower first. I call it a draw and say they shower together. Compromise is truly a beautiful thing.

SGALGG: The Call in Gay Edition

Cough, sniffle, queer. Oh, I'm sorry. Don't mind me. I'm feeling a little, um, gay today. In fact, I'm feeling so terribly gay, I might have to call in gay tomorrow. You know, just in case this whole gay thing doesn't clear up in time. Tomorrow, Dec. 10, has been deemed the Day Without A Gay. Besides rhyming, the movement is another protest of Proposition 8 and all its ilk. But this time instead of marching down the middle of the street with fantastic signs and booming chants, we are all encouraged to call in sick to work and donate our time to a worthy cause Wednesday. [Hat tip, Meenoo and Lopey!]

I can see this conversation with bosses around the country already: “Hello, look, I'm sorry I've got to call in gay today...Yeah, I'm running a high gayver so I'm definitely too gay to work right now...Oh, don't worry. Gay is not contagious ...OK, sometimes Jennifer Beals has been known to cause mass outbreaks of the gay, but otherwise, it's completely nontransferable. I promise...Fine, Tina Fey can make you a little gay, too...And Rachel Maddow...And...fine, so it's a little contagious. See, this is why I need to stay home. I'm totally gay. Later!”

Even if you can't take the day off work, you can still be a part of the nation boycott by not buying anything, spending money or supporting the economy in any way. And Henry Paulson thought he had problems before. As we learned last week, every time a gay finds love at the parade there's money to be made. In essence, we're telling the country that if they like that gay dollar, they'd better – in the immortal words of Beyonce – put a ring on it.

And, of course, you don't have to be GLBT to participate. You can keep your straight dollar in your pocket, too. In fact, from the looks of things everyone wants to get in on this calling in gay business. I mean, look at all the Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals just so they, too, can call in gay. Heck, we've even got Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals With Straight Gals, or GGALGGWSG for slightly shorter (I love acronyms that sound like gargling rocks). And with that, please enjoy SGALGG: The Call In Gay Edition.

Felicity Huffman & Marcia CrossCalling in gay takes practice, lots and lots of practice.

Emily Deschanel & Rose McGowanThe classic “Oh, honey, I left a little lipstick on you” move.

Tilda Swinton & Kate Del Castillo The look that results afterward in the classic “Oh honey, I left a little lipstick on you” move.

Iman & Nicole KidmanI can't tell if Iman wants to kiss Nicole or lick her forehead to make sure it's not made of plastic.

Kate Bosworth & Helena ChristensenI has a snuggle bunny.

Angelina Jolie & Jacqueline BissettI'd forget about Brad in a hurry, too, if I saw Jacqueline.

Lily Tomlin & Meryl StreepLily graciously helps Meryl with her gay method acting.

Cate Blanchett & Juliette LewisWell, I hope that Juliette at least asked first.

Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals…

…And How To Tell the Difference. Consider this SGALGGAHTTD (wow, that’s unwieldy) entry the first in an occasional series. This debut edition will focus on hands, courtesy the lovely ladies at Cannes (OK, so I think that rhyme made up for the bad acronym). As they say in real estate, location location location.

Tracie Thoms and Rosario Dawson

Sure, Tracie successfully played gay in “Rent,” but if she really wants to convince us she needs to grab hold of Rosario’s arm as if to say, “No damn way you’re backing away from this.”

Zoe Bell and Rose McGowan

One word: cupping. Any self-respecting lady-loving lady would take this opportunity to cop a little feel of that cheek action. Come on, you know you would. Don’t lie.

A Rose isn’t a rose

Rose McGowan alarms me. It’s not the goth chick meets Snow White meets bride of Marilyn Manson shtick she’s been perfecting since she broke through in 1996’s “Scream” that disturbs me. It’s her new, unsettling face. Every time I see an actress who was once attractive, striking and/or original succumb to the illusion that is the Hollywood Beauty Standard (note what the initials of those last two words spell out, ahem), I get sad. For reference, see Jennifer Grey pre- and post-nose job.

Rose seems to be another example of body image gone terribly wrong. After “Scream” and “Jawbreaker” made her a MTV-ready starlet, Rose became famous for almost saying “I do” to the anti-Christ and wearing a dress made of leftover thread. But then “Charmed” came along and for several years she was happily employed and looking good -- ever-changing, but good. See: Now Rose is set to make a splash on the big screen again in the Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez horror double-feature extravaganza “Grindhouse.” And this, it seems, is where things started to unravel. The film could be the break back in the 33-year-old actress has been looking for since she left TV. So, in preparation, she appear to have lost a considerable amount of weight and gotten a considerable amount of plastic surgery. And the results, well, see for yourself:
Stop the insanity, people. Stop it now. Certainly beauty takes work, but it can also be overworked. And, in some cases, worked to death. Ladies, can we take a stand and agree that the rules of beauty should always follow the philosophy, “First, do no harm.”