Bullseye, ladies

Archery is hot. I mean, if the Girl on Fire does it, you know it’s got to be hot. But “The Hunger Games” is not the first nor more than likely the last film to bring us female heroines brandishing bows and arrows. Plenty of cinematic and real-life heroines have taken aim with one of mankind’s oldest weapons. And I’ll tell you a little secret about myself, I loved archery growing up. I didn’t do it a lot because I lived in town and my parents had this thing about not accidentally shooting the neighbors and all. But I went to a summer camp a few years in a row and my absolute favorite activity was archery. Something about drawing back that string and feeling the bow flex mixed power, grace and physics in an intoxicating way. I also liked the crisp thump sounds the arrow made as it hit its hay target. So here are a few other ladyies of the longbow to take their place beside Katniss Everdeen.

Keira KnightleyShe picked up a bow as Guinevere in “King Arthur.” I’m not sure how a bare midriff helped her aim, but everyone has her own method I suppose.

Natalie PortmanJust to keep the “Is it Natalie or Keira” confusion going, she did her own movie as bow-and-arrow wielding warrior in “Your Highness.”

Lena HeadeyI’m thinking up a zany crossover movie where Lena’s flower girl Luce from “Imagine Me & You” and huntress Angelika from “The Brothers Grimm” go on a road trip and to rescue fairy tale characters and kiss pretty girls. Fine, admittedly I haven’t thought it through very much.

Anna PopplewellI really loved the “Chronicles of Narnia” growing up, but it wasn’t exactly brimming with strong female heroines. Thank heavens for Susan Pevensie and her trusty bow and arrow.

Jessica Biel“Blade Trinity” was not a good movie. But it did introduce us to Jessica Biel’s magnificent shoulder muscles. And for that the universe will forever be grateful.

Jennifer Garner“Elektra” was not a good movie either. And not even seeing Jennifer prance around in a crime-fighting wardrobe made by Victoria’s Secret could make me thank the universe for it.

Jennifer LawrenceJennifer trained with a four-time Olympian and arching champion for her role in “The Hunger Games.” But I don’t think that’s why all the showings I wanted to go to were sold out this weekend.

Stana KaticDid you know besides speaking like half a dozen languages she also enjoys flamenco, falconry and a little archery on the side? Don’t worry, PETA, I don’t think she practices her archery and falconry at the same time.

Geena DavisGeena is another real-live archer, who even tried out for the 2000 Olympics team. She didn’t make the team, but that’s OK because she already has some gold hardware named Oscar at home.

Lucy LiuI have no idea why she’s using a bow and arrow while wearing this jaunty little outfit, but I entirely approve.

Christina HendricksLikewise, I have no idea why Christina is posing seductively in a spiked leather jacket with a bow and arrows. But, again, not complaining.

Princess MeridaI dork out so hard when I think about this movie, you guys. I am so ready to be “Brave.”

Vacation Vixen: Jessica Biel

This movie was awful. Jessica Biel in this tank top was awesome.

Don’t be mine

Now I know that just as you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, it’s unfair to judge a movie by its trailer. But fairness is apparently now the trademarked domain of Fox News (at least that’s what the notes I scribbled on my palm say), so let’s judge away. Here’s the thing, “Valentine’s Day” looks awful. Like that Valentine’s Day candy that comes in the enormous, glossy, heart-shaped box awful. It’s sweet, it’s shiny, it’s expensive but inside it’s filled with nothing but those awful strawberry creams that make you gag after two bites. Harsh? I’ve mentioned before that I’m not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day, haven’t I?

I’m very rarely a fan of the Americanized version of anything British. They have the better accents and the ability to be charming while stuttering. They have high tea, we have Ho-Hos. So every time the sunny, star-filled trailer for “Valentine’s Day” plays my heart cringes. Look, I know “Love Actually.” “Love Actually” is one of my favorite movies. “Valentine’s Day,” you’re no “Love Actually.”

Case in point:

Love Actually

Valentine’s Day

Yeah, no comparison.

There are downgrades and then there are downgrades. Going from Colin Firth to Ashton Kutcher is the latter. Not that I have anything personally against the, what, 600 big-name movie stars in “Valentine’s Day.” Anne Hathaway, lovely. Jennifer Garner, so girl next doory you’d think she actually lived next door. Jessica Biel, you’ve seen her in a tank top, right? It’s the forced combination in a movie by Garry Marshall (a man who wields romance like a club), that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, did you hear they’ve already working on a sequel called “New Year’s Eve?” Welcome to Love, The Brand. No, thank you.

Also, “Valentine’s Day” purposely de-gays the gay couple (that’d be Bradley Cooper and Eric Dane) in the trailer. So, you know, BOO!

What made “Love Actually” so universally heartwarming was its all-too-human elements. It never felt calculated or corporatized. It never featured a couple with the same first name, where they weren’t also of the same sex. But it did have Emma Thompson. Any film with Emma Thompson will always and forever win out over any film that doesn’t. Period. Laugh that big, loud, trademark laugh of yours all you want, Julia Roberts. You know it’s true.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, enjoy your big, gooey-centered Hollywood extravaganza if you must. Which, inevitably, will be followed by “New Year’s Eve,” “Thanksgiving Dinner,” “Fourth of July” and “Secretary’s Day.” But know that I’ll be at home rewatching “Love Actually” and swooning all over again. Love is all around, you just need to know where to look.

Tank Top Tuesday

I like my women doing everyday things in tank tops. Because the unique charms of the tank are applicable in almost any situation. Like with our friend Alexandra Hedison grabbing a bite to eat. Glad she decided against buttering that toast though, because we all know her penchant for getting carried away with knives. My point, and do have something close to one, is that the tank top is a versatile accessory which is appropriate for any activity.

Zhang ZiyiWhen considering how best to recycle the morning paper.

Alison LohmanWhen quenching one’s thirst after a day of garden work.

Zoe SaldanaWhen moisturizing before bedtime.

Charlize TheronWhen contemplating the theory of relativity.

Jennifer Tilly & Gina GershonWhen plotting how to rip off the mob and have great lesbian sex.

Jessica BielWhen hunting vampires, duh.

Anna FrielWhen stewing over the injustice of canceling “Pushing Daisies.”

Kate BeckinsaleWhen thoughtfully testing the room temperature before guests arrive. Verdict: It’s a little nippy.

Tank Top Tuesday

Coming off a long, lazy three-day weekend, I have to admit that I’m just not ready for the formality of business attire. So, I’m not gonna even try. Instead, let’s revel in the casual charm of the tank top. I mean, look at Keira Knightley. Does she look even remotely interested in going into the office? Whether working out, working hard or hardly working, it’s simply the best way to ease into any work week – abbreviated or not. Thanks, ladies, for reminding us that the tank top is always the preferred attire when…

…running errands, like Hilary Swank.Of course, she is taking that “running” part a little too literally. Overachiever.

…walking the dogs, like Olivia Wilde.Never before have I meant it more sincerely when I’ve said, “Lucky dogs!”

…walking a dog and a baby, like Jessical Biel.Sheesh, another overachiever.

…checking your cell, like Evangeline Lilly.If only it had GPS, this whole “Lost” thing could have been over a whole lot quicker.

…rubbing in your ability to sunbath to your undead boyfriend, like Anna Paquin.Does anyone else have to fight the urge to scream “SOOKEH!” whenever you see her?

…considering just how hot it will be to co-star with Eliza Dushku, like Summer Glau.Joss Whedon is a total babe magnet.

…relaxing before killing Bill, like Uma Thurman & Zoe Bell.Behold the beauty of always having a spare.

…arm wrestling, like Rose McGowan & Rosario Dawson.Clearly they’re wrestling to see who has to take a shower first. I call it a draw and say they shower together. Compromise is truly a beautiful thing.

Tank Top Tuesday

I know, I know. These are paparazzi pictures. And I know, I know. Paparazzi are bad. But I'm not posting these shots of stars out and about as an encouragement to stalker shutterbugs. Instead I consider these images important documentation of wild tank tops in their natural habitat. As such they also serve as a valuable public service announcement. Ladies: Wear more tank tops. Heading to the gym? Tank top. Heading out shopping? Tank top. Headed to the airport? Tank top. Doctor's office? Dog park? Jail? Tank top, tank top, tank top (hey, tank tops pair nicely with orange jumpsuits). Consider it doing your doing you part to help beautify the world. Trust me, the world will thank you. At the very least, I'll thank you. So ends this public service announcement.

PinkTank tops and biker hear, a match made in hog heaven.

Halle BerryA tank top with an easy-access zipper? Genius!

Michelle RodriguezTanks look great out of the closet – just a suggestion.

Cynthia NixonSee, I told you they looked great out of the closet.

Natalie PortmanTanking and texting: Like walking and chewing gum, but so much hotter.

Kate BeckinsaleScientific proof that tank tops make you frisky, or is that friskable. Same difference.

Shakira and Penelope CruzBFFs + TTs = Best Math Ever

Uma ThurmanTank dresses totally count.

Anne HathawayFine, tube tops don't count, but because of her adorkable headphones I've made an exception.

Tricia Helfer and Katee SackhoffRemember what I was saying about biker gear and tank tops? Double it.

Jessica BielNow that, that is how you fill out a tank top...Period. Full stop. End of discussion.

There’s something about Jessica

So, let’s discuss this picture for a minute. I know it’s been making the rounds for a bit now, but I can no longer ignore it’s inherently gay qualities. In fact, it’s just screaming out for further dissection. So, let’s dissect. Here is Jessica Biel and her tank-top wearing friend on the sidelines of the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field game earlier this month. In front of her, as handily pointed out by TMZ’s big yellow arrow, is Jessica’s boyfriend Justin Timberlake. And behind her, Jessica’s friend appears to be giving her behind a nice, firm squeeze.

OK, gratuitous girl-on-girl ass grab aside, this photo is just brimming with The Gay. The girls’ tank tops? Super gay. Their wide, toned shoulders? Mega gay. Their matching shaggy You’re-Looking-Very-Shane-Today hair? Come on, don’t make me repeat it. And that’s not even touching on their butch belts or her buff forearms. I mean, you don’t even have to have good gaydar to pick that stuff up, just moderately good vision. If I didn’t know better I would have sworn this shot was taken at the Dinah Shore. It’s that gay. Based on all this irrefutable empirical evidence, Jessica Biel is clearly either a straight woman trapped in a gay woman’s body or, well, just plain gay. Also, any chance her mystery friends/girlie groper is the same gal as from this photo taken earlier this summer? The evidence, it mounts.
UPDATE: Thanks to Anonymous #1 (with an assist from Anonymous #6) we get to see the front of our mystery groper. And, as I suspected, it only furthers The Gay. Heavens, it’s almost textbook. Punky hair. Camo shirt. Wrist cuffs. Studded belts. Cargo slacks. Checkered Vans. (Click to enlarge The Gay.)
And for the coup de grace, Jessica is wearing the exact same Vans. Flip to the “How to Become Gay Twins”-chapter in the big “Lesbian Relationship Handbook” and you’ll find this picture under Step 1: Buy the same sneakers and wear them out together.