Bullseye, ladies

Archery is hot. I mean, if the Girl on Fire does it, you know it’s got to be hot. But “The Hunger Games” is not the first nor more than likely the last film to bring us female heroines brandishing bows and arrows. Plenty of cinematic and real-life heroines have taken aim with one of mankind’s oldest weapons. And I’ll tell you a little secret about myself, I loved archery growing up. I didn’t do it a lot because I lived in town and my parents had this thing about not accidentally shooting the neighbors and all. But I went to a summer camp a few years in a row and my absolute favorite activity was archery. Something about drawing back that string and feeling the bow flex mixed power, grace and physics in an intoxicating way. I also liked the crisp thump sounds the arrow made as it hit its hay target. So here are a few other ladyies of the longbow to take their place beside Katniss Everdeen.

Keira KnightleyShe picked up a bow as Guinevere in “King Arthur.” I’m not sure how a bare midriff helped her aim, but everyone has her own method I suppose.

Natalie PortmanJust to keep the “Is it Natalie or Keira” confusion going, she did her own movie as bow-and-arrow wielding warrior in “Your Highness.”

Lena HeadeyI’m thinking up a zany crossover movie where Lena’s flower girl Luce from “Imagine Me & You” and huntress Angelika from “The Brothers Grimm” go on a road trip and to rescue fairy tale characters and kiss pretty girls. Fine, admittedly I haven’t thought it through very much.

Anna PopplewellI really loved the “Chronicles of Narnia” growing up, but it wasn’t exactly brimming with strong female heroines. Thank heavens for Susan Pevensie and her trusty bow and arrow.

Jessica Biel“Blade Trinity” was not a good movie. But it did introduce us to Jessica Biel’s magnificent shoulder muscles. And for that the universe will forever be grateful.

Jennifer Garner“Elektra” was not a good movie either. And not even seeing Jennifer prance around in a crime-fighting wardrobe made by Victoria’s Secret could make me thank the universe for it.

Jennifer LawrenceJennifer trained with a four-time Olympian and arching champion for her role in “The Hunger Games.” But I don’t think that’s why all the showings I wanted to go to were sold out this weekend.

Stana KaticDid you know besides speaking like half a dozen languages she also enjoys flamenco, falconry and a little archery on the side? Don’t worry, PETA, I don’t think she practices her archery and falconry at the same time.

Geena DavisGeena is another real-live archer, who even tried out for the 2000 Olympics team. She didn’t make the team, but that’s OK because she already has some gold hardware named Oscar at home.

Lucy LiuI have no idea why she’s using a bow and arrow while wearing this jaunty little outfit, but I entirely approve.

Christina HendricksLikewise, I have no idea why Christina is posing seductively in a spiked leather jacket with a bow and arrows. But, again, not complaining.

Princess MeridaI dork out so hard when I think about this movie, you guys. I am so ready to be “Brave.”

Gender Fuck Thursday: Drag Edition

There’s gender fuck, and then there’s Gender Fuck. The world witnessed the latter last weekend when the incomparable Lady Gaga went full on Jo Calderone for the entirety of the MTV Video Music Awards. Not only was it one of the only times I’ve ever seen her in an outfit that didn’t involve mirrors, bubbles, spikes or require refrigeration. Regardless of what you thought of her lengthy leering performance as Jo, you’ve got to admire her commitment. Hell, Gaga was even packing. So today let’s celebration those who dare to drag with mustaches – or without. All hail the kings.

Kristin Scott ThomasEat your heart out, Ivan Aycock.



Katharine HepburnThey don’t make movie stars like this anymore – male or female.



Brooke ShieldsDid you know Brooke pulled a “Yentl” in the movie “Sahara?” Neither did I.



Barbra StreisandOf course, nothing beats the real thing.



Anne HathawayUnsurprisingly, the woman who looks like a Disney princess in real life looks like a Disney prince in drag.



Natalie PortmanNow I’m thinking they missed a brilliant potential “mustache ride” scene in “Black Swan.”



Veronica WebbAlso unsurprisingly, beautiful models make handsome fellows.



Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell & Linda EvangelistaVery handsome fellows.



Julie AndrewsNever mind raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Julie in a suit and tie is more than a few of my favorite things.



Lady GagaWhen he’s not glowering ferociously at the world, that Mr. Calderone is one GQ motherfucker...



...But when he is he kind of looks like an extra from “The Outsiders.”

What geekery is this?

True story: I loved action figures as a kid. I know, not to surprising given my overall continued tomboy tendencies. But I LOVED them. I could play quietly for hours, lost in my own fantasy world where my Han Solo figure bickered with my Buck Rogers figure and Princess Leia went ahead and rescued Superman instead. My childhood fantasy world was kind of awesome. But being a geek then was different than being a geek now. Now it has a cache. Geeks, like bowties – if you ask The Doctor, are cool. But then, geeks were geeks. So it’s with a slightly bemused sense of satisfaction when I watched all the pretty ladies clamor to get their geek on last weekend weekend at Comic-Con.

So in celebration of everyone’s inner and outer geek, here are some lovely ladies getting geeky. Geekery, it’s not just for geeks anymore.

Alyson Hannigan

Willow will always be my favorite geek. Always.

Anna TorvThese should be Special Agent Olivia Dunham action figures, but otherwise, perfect.

Lucy LawlessWhen lesbian subtext and geek fandom collides.

Anika Noni RoseSo this is kind of more of a “doll,” but Anika looks so happy to be holding herself it’s pretty geeky.

Meryl StreepThis is her “Fantastic Mr. Fox” figure. If there was a real Meryl Streep action figure I would buy two. One to keep new in the box and another to play with. Wait, that sounded weird. Good.

Elizabeth MitchellThese aren’t technically action figures either, but getting this excited about your cake doppelgangers is's adorageeky.

Yvonne StrahovskiAlso, not an action figure. But it’s a light saber. So, you know, even better.

Sarah Michelle GellarBuffy is using Darth Vader as an armrest. Your argument is invalid.

Felicia DayIf Felicia in a squid hat doesn’t brighten your day, then you are probably not a geek.

Natalie PortmanGeeks and politics, two great things that go great together.

Karen GillanNow that is how you play with action figures.

Britt Robertson, Maggie Q, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Morrison & Anna TorvI don’t know who Britt Robertson is, but otherwise, GEEKGASM.

Check out the special Comic-Con issue of The Hollywood Reporter for more on Sarah, Anna, Yvonne, Maggie et al.

Tank Top Tuesday: Oscars Edition

Let’s not pretend the best actress Oscar race is anything but an all-out, steel-cage deathmatch between Natalie Portman and Annette Bening. All the nominees are great, but come on, those two are the battle royal. Actually, it’s nice to have a tight race instead of a presumptive frontrunner blow-out. And these two actresses really acted their asses off last year. But, in the interest of recognizing all of the lovely ladies who were nominated today, please enjoy this very special Top Thespian Tank Top Tuesday. Being nominated for an Academy Award is rewarding and all, but looking great in a tank top is its own reward.

BEST ACTRESS

Natalie Portman, “Black Swan”I bet Natalie Portman never, ever thought she’d be able to say, “In the last year I shagged both Jackie and Kelso from ‘That 70s Show.’”

Annette Bening, “The Kids Are All Right”Still courting the gay vote with her lesbian hair and chunky glasses, I see.

Nicole Kidman, “Rabbit Hole”Now that she is no longer using Botox, three cheers for the imminent return of emotions to Nicole’s forehead.

Michelle Williams, “Blue Valentine”Take that, Katie Holmes.

Jennifer Lawrence, “Winter’s Bone”The best thing Bill Engvall has ever contributed to society.


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Hailee Steinfeld, “True Grit”This isn’t a tank top, but Hailee is 14 so I’m not going to go there.

Helena Bonham Carter, “The King’s Speech”Every time I abbreviate HBC, I “accidentally” slip in an “I” before the “C.” It’s really more appropriate that way, don’t you think?


Jacki Weaver, “Animal Kingdom”Her nickname in the film was “Smurf,” that’s so awesome I won’t even quibble that she refused to take her overshirt off.

Melissa Leo, “The Fighter”Remember when she played Helena’s ex on “The L Word?” Remember when Helena had children?

Amy Adams, “The Fighter”Even if you weren’t adorably and winsome, Amy, we’d still love you forever for that lesbian scene in “Standing Still.”

Buddy can you spare a fuck

So, say you’re the star of one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. Say it has already garnered a slew of awards and nominations. Say it is on the short list for Oscars as well. How best would you follow up said stint in the limelight? A) By taking your time and selecting a worthy follow-up film of equal prestige? Or B) By signing on to a fuck buddy movie with some goofy male co-star and dropping trou repeatedly? If you chose B, you are Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

Yes, somehow the actresses filmed rival fuck buddy movies (and they say romance is dead) as their follow ups. Both have blandly generic idioms for titles: “No Strings Attached!” “Friends with Benefits!” Both have mildy annoying, definitely smug male co-stars: Ashton Kutcher! Justin Timberlake! Both have released sexy Red Band trailers to entice the horny masses: Natalie Portman naked! Mila Kunis naked! Ugh, ladies, really?

Look, I know lame rom-coms are a rite of passage in almost any young actresses’ life. I know they’ve run out of “meet cute” ideas. So now they’ve move on to “Already met, let’s fuck.” But how is it that both actresses from “Black Swan” are now in dueling movies with the exact same concept? So now the only question remains, which one looks better? The answer is probably dependent on which male co-star you find less irritating. But as always, in the interest of science, I think we should examine the evidence. To the videotape!

No String Attached


Friends with Benefits

Gosh, will they end up falling in love and having more than just sex? I can’t see that coming at all, in either movie, at all.

You know what, I take it all back. These movies don’t look bad and clichéd at all. In fact, they’re brilliant, but with one minor tweak. Drop Ashton and Justin and just put Natalie and Mila together. Call it “No Strings with Benefits” and have them be two lifelong friends who decide to start having sex instead. We already know they look amazing together. Are you listening, Hollywood? Now that, that is box office gold. GOLD.