Gender Fuck Thursday: Drag Edition

There’s gender fuck, and then there’s Gender Fuck. The world witnessed the latter last weekend when the incomparable Lady Gaga went full on Jo Calderone for the entirety of the MTV Video Music Awards. Not only was it one of the only times I’ve ever seen her in an outfit that didn’t involve mirrors, bubbles, spikes or require refrigeration. Regardless of what you thought of her lengthy leering performance as Jo, you’ve got to admire her commitment. Hell, Gaga was even packing. So today let’s celebration those who dare to drag with mustaches – or without. All hail the kings.

Kristin Scott ThomasEat your heart out, Ivan Aycock.



Katharine HepburnThey don’t make movie stars like this anymore – male or female.



Brooke ShieldsDid you know Brooke pulled a “Yentl” in the movie “Sahara?” Neither did I.



Barbra StreisandOf course, nothing beats the real thing.



Anne HathawayUnsurprisingly, the woman who looks like a Disney princess in real life looks like a Disney prince in drag.



Natalie PortmanNow I’m thinking they missed a brilliant potential “mustache ride” scene in “Black Swan.”



Veronica WebbAlso unsurprisingly, beautiful models make handsome fellows.



Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell & Linda EvangelistaVery handsome fellows.



Julie AndrewsNever mind raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Julie in a suit and tie is more than a few of my favorite things.



Lady GagaWhen he’s not glowering ferociously at the world, that Mr. Calderone is one GQ motherfucker...



...But when he is he kind of looks like an extra from “The Outsiders.”

My Weekend Crush

If Lady Gaga didn’t exist, we’d be hard-pressed to invent anything remotely close to her. At this moment, she just might be the most fabulous weirdo on the planet. Unquestionably queer, unforgettably fun, she is part disco ball, part performance art and part circus sideshow. Her songs fill me with the simple, unmistakable joy of pop music. In short, she makes me want to dance – hard. But more than just a pusher of dance floor delights, Gaga has elevated her performances to an otherworldly experience. Even if you’re not a fan, you have to admit she is never dull. And now with the premiere of “Telephone,” she has us squirming like happy puppies in the palm of her hand. Think of the last video you were this excited/curious/impatient to see. And the lady did not disappoint. Women in prison! Gaga kissing girls! Crime scene tape in lieu of clothing! Crudely named lesbian dating sites! The Pussy Wagon! Cigarette sunglasses! Dick jokes! Murder! Dancing! Thelma & Louise without the cliff! Beyon-FUCKING-cé! They say truth is stranger than fiction. And Lady Gaga is stranger than truth, in the best way possible. Happy weekend, all.

[Click to enjoy in big, glorious high-def.]

Glam or Gaga

Dear Adam Lambert,

Hey there, you big gaymo. Look, I didn’t say anything when you came out with your My Pretty Pony meets Space Camp meets your cousin Sheila’s high school yearbook photo from 1985 during her experimental eyeliner phase album cover for “For Your Entertainment.” And I didn’t say anything when the editor of Out wrote that open letter complaining about you even as he put you on the magazine’s cover (for the record, I think I might be on your side on that one). But you leave me no choice after your American Music Awards performance last night. Now, I don’t normally watch the AMAs. They’re basically not a real awards show but paperweights given out as an excuse for superstars to get on stage and sell records. But I keep reading about people falling and fire and fellatio on my Twitter feed last night so I was forced to tune in. (Note: The West Coast feed had JLo’s assplant cut from its broadcast. Don’t you know moments like that are the only reason we watch in the first place?)

Anyway, the night was basically two performances for me. 1. Lady Gaga and 2. You. So let me break this down as simply as we can.

This is how you do outrageous right. Please note the wearing of lighted exoskeletons and control-top pantyhose in lieu of clothing.

And, then, of course, fire.

This is how you do outrageous wrong. Please note that simulated blow jobs are never, ever good TV. (p.s. This was also cut from the West Coast feed. p.p.s. You suck, AMA editors).

Also, while as a rule I approve wholeheartedly of kissing androgynous bandmates on live television, that kiss was about as hot as the Al and Tipper Gore smooch at the 2000 Democratic Convention.

The main problem I have is that your performance smacked of shock for shock’s sake. It wanted to badly to be shocking and failed even at that. Also, you were kinda pitchy, dawg. Look, Lady Gaga works not because she is shocking but because she is ambitious. She wants to be different and aggressively so, so even if she fails sometimes it is never dull. And she does it all with vision. There is nothing visionary about grinding a dude’s face in your man bits and grabbing ladies by their lady business.

Having said all that, I do appreciate how unabashedly you are bringing the gay these days. Don’t ever stop. Same goes for the sparkly pants. But, seriously, fire your choreographer.

Kisses,
Ms. Snarker

Weekend at Crazy’s

WTF, weekend? Seriously. Tina Fey wins an Emmy. Dr. Horrible wins an Emmy. Serena Williams threatens bodily harm with a tennis ball. Madonna stays classy. Kanye West does not. Lady Gaga is movable performance art. And Beyoncé is, quite possibly, magic. Whew. That is a lot of shit to process in just two days. That’s like a month’s worth of awesome/crazy/WTF. It’s like Saturday and Sunday exploded and we haven’t even talked about Kristen Stewart’s new dangerously Kate Gosselin-esque hairstyle. Madness, I tell you. MADNESS. So, naturally, I turn to ridiculously hot women to help me make sense of the world again. Nothing soothes quite like ridiculously hot women being ridiculously hot. Some of them might even qualify for Naked Lady Monday. Mmm, naked ladies… See, all better. [Click any to enlarge The Hot.]

Padma LakshmiFeel stupid for not watching “Top Chef” now, don’t ya?

Anna FrielGod, I miss Pushing Daisies.

Jennifer ConnellyRemember that movie “Seven Minutes in Heaven?” Set a timer.

Olivia WildeIs there such a thing as pantyline-high boots? There is now.

Katee Sackhoff, Tricia Helfer, Grace ParkSci-fi is just for geeks, eh?

Lucy LiuI believe the correct words here are hummina-hummina.

Sarah ShahiQuite fittingly, the end.

Going Gaga

I know she’s been hot for months and months now, but Lady Gaga’s astronomical success these days makes me happy in pretty much all the right places. First, her songs are pure dance candy. They are strobe lights and disco balls and fuck-me heels all synched up to a beat so irresistible even your lawn ornaments want to get up from their grassy perches and Just goddamn Dance. But what really makes me happy about Lady Gaga is that she is so very gay. Not gay as in big old flannel-wearing lesbian gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that; hello, me, circa 1993-97). But gay as in a gay sensibility. Make no mistake, her music is for The Gays. That the straights like it too, well, it’s proof there may be hope for them after all. And, best of all, she knows it, too.

As she told MTV News last week:

“The turning point for me was the gay community. I’ve got so many gay fans and they’re so loyal to me and they really lifted me up. They’ll always stand by me and I’ll always stand by them. It’s not an easy thing to create a fanbase. ... Being invited to play [the San Francisco Pride rally], that was a real turning point for me as an artist.”

I remember last summer I was following the first Logo NewNowNext Awards proceedings with a somewhat vested interest (cough, I still can’t believe you guys voted for me, cough). And they kept talking about this Lady Gaga who would be there. It was her first TV performance and wish I could shut my playboy mouth, but I couldn’t because my jaw hit the floor. What is this ridiculous, crazy, addictive, super gay fabulosity?

Lady Gaga is fun, the pure and unadulterated kind. Her concerts are equal parts dance extravaganza and performance art. Girlfriend turns it out. Oh, and she can actually sing. Lip sync that, Britney. The Gaga makes herself a moving target, one-upping even Madonna in continual reinvention. Yesterday unitards, today bubbles, tomorrow tea cups, and next week – shit, I don’t know, giant inflatable clown shoes? Also, she seems chronically allergic to pants. Not that I’m complaining.

Still, aways underneath it all runs and undercurrent of the outsider. Sure, she’s hotter than a red hot p-p-p-poker right now. But at her core she’s still a misfit, a bit of a weirdo. And that, that’s what else makes her so gay. Oh, that and the fact that she says her hit “Poker Face” is about bisexuality and in the video for “Love Game” she macks on a female cop. Like I was saying, so gay. Heck, she may even help turn that phrase into the compliment it should have been all along.

p.s. If you can’t wait to go gaga over Gaga on Ellen today, you can check out her performance now. Whatever you do, watch until the end. That hug is so gay. See, it’s already working.