Bullseye, ladies

Archery is hot. I mean, if the Girl on Fire does it, you know it’s got to be hot. But “The Hunger Games” is not the first nor more than likely the last film to bring us female heroines brandishing bows and arrows. Plenty of cinematic and real-life heroines have taken aim with one of mankind’s oldest weapons. And I’ll tell you a little secret about myself, I loved archery growing up. I didn’t do it a lot because I lived in town and my parents had this thing about not accidentally shooting the neighbors and all. But I went to a summer camp a few years in a row and my absolute favorite activity was archery. Something about drawing back that string and feeling the bow flex mixed power, grace and physics in an intoxicating way. I also liked the crisp thump sounds the arrow made as it hit its hay target. So here are a few other ladyies of the longbow to take their place beside Katniss Everdeen.

Keira KnightleyShe picked up a bow as Guinevere in “King Arthur.” I’m not sure how a bare midriff helped her aim, but everyone has her own method I suppose.

Natalie PortmanJust to keep the “Is it Natalie or Keira” confusion going, she did her own movie as bow-and-arrow wielding warrior in “Your Highness.”

Lena HeadeyI’m thinking up a zany crossover movie where Lena’s flower girl Luce from “Imagine Me & You” and huntress Angelika from “The Brothers Grimm” go on a road trip and to rescue fairy tale characters and kiss pretty girls. Fine, admittedly I haven’t thought it through very much.

Anna PopplewellI really loved the “Chronicles of Narnia” growing up, but it wasn’t exactly brimming with strong female heroines. Thank heavens for Susan Pevensie and her trusty bow and arrow.

Jessica Biel“Blade Trinity” was not a good movie. But it did introduce us to Jessica Biel’s magnificent shoulder muscles. And for that the universe will forever be grateful.

Jennifer Garner“Elektra” was not a good movie either. And not even seeing Jennifer prance around in a crime-fighting wardrobe made by Victoria’s Secret could make me thank the universe for it.

Jennifer LawrenceJennifer trained with a four-time Olympian and arching champion for her role in “The Hunger Games.” But I don’t think that’s why all the showings I wanted to go to were sold out this weekend.

Stana KaticDid you know besides speaking like half a dozen languages she also enjoys flamenco, falconry and a little archery on the side? Don’t worry, PETA, I don’t think she practices her archery and falconry at the same time.

Geena DavisGeena is another real-live archer, who even tried out for the 2000 Olympics team. She didn’t make the team, but that’s OK because she already has some gold hardware named Oscar at home.

Lucy LiuI have no idea why she’s using a bow and arrow while wearing this jaunty little outfit, but I entirely approve.

Christina HendricksLikewise, I have no idea why Christina is posing seductively in a spiked leather jacket with a bow and arrows. But, again, not complaining.

Princess MeridaI dork out so hard when I think about this movie, you guys. I am so ready to be “Brave.”

We run this motha

It’s getting might discouraging out there for us ladies with what passes for political discourse these days. Bills to allow employers to decide what health care we can have. Bills to allow doctors to insert medical devices into our bodies without our consent. National broadcasters who feel justified calling us “sluts” and “prostitutes” and national politicians who don’t think we need to be represented on panels discussing birth control. Yes, these are crazy times to be a modern woman. I mean, it’s not like the pill first came on the market some 52 years ago. Whereas Viagra was invented 14 years ago, and no one is passing bills to make sure it’s being used for procreation purposes only. But, hey, a guy’s got to get it up, am I right? Right. While certain voices in today’s politics seem determined to bring us back to the Stone Age, we’ve fought long and hard for gains. And we won’t go back into the kitchen or the cave. Because we’re awesome. And despite what all those men in suits say, we run this motha. Happy Monday, ladies.

Castles made of hot

Dear Universe,

I realize sometimes I curse you unnecessarily. I shake my fist at your random nature. I bemoan your tendency toward chaos. I rant at your injustice and cruelty, haphazardness and loneliness. Hell, sometimes I just bitch because you’ve made it rain. But today, today I thank you from the bottom of my wee little heart for creating a confluence of such colossal comeliness that it must, in fact, be a gift. Because what else can you call when Stana Katic and Jennifer Beals are together – in one place, in one moment, in one frame – but a cosmic present of the highest order. Yet there they are, so close a few more inches and their lips would be touching. And together they will be, indeed, on Feb. 13 when they will appear on our televisions on “Castle.” When so much gorgeous happens at once, we must step back and lay grateful offerings at the feet of a mountain or base of a river. Only then will you, dear universe, know how truly awed we are by your beneficence.

I remain your ever-humble servant,
Ms. Snarker


p.s. I believe Nathan Fillion speaks for all gay ladies when he says:

Resolve this

Right, so it is a whole four days into this New Year and about time for a status check. How many resolutions have you already broken? How many have you conveniently forgotten? How many have you told yourself you’d give yourself a week to start? Be honest now. This is the internet, and no one ever lies on the internet. How about me, you ask? Well, this year instead of draconian dictates demanding better behavior, I’ve decided to make just one resolution. And my sole resolution is simple. Cut myself some slack.

Now you might be thinking, Goddammit Snarker, you slacker, you’re already as slack as slack can get. Put on a pair of slacks and you’ll be the poster child for the Gap’s new slouchy khakis campaign, “Slackers, because only your dad wears Dockers.”

But, seriously, I think it’s something we should all aspire to. People can demand a lot of us – our family, our friends, our work, our partners. But sometimes, oftentimes, we demand the most out of ourselves. And, when we don’t reach our own lofty expectations, we are also often hardest on ourselves. I can and have been mighty hard on myself in the past. Why can’t I write better? Why can’t I post more? Why can’t I answer more email? Why can’t I be better, smarter, funnier, honester – wait, is honester a word? – see the smarter thing above.

And then, then you spend a lot of useless time beating yourself up. This is almost never time well spent and almost always counterproductive. Because instead of the “Why can’t Is,” you should be focused on the “What can Is.” What can I do to write better? What can I do to post more? And, the best question of all, what can I do to be happier? The whys may give you the cause, but the whats will give you the directions.

So, that’s it for me for 2012: Cut myself some slack. If I can’t do everything, I simply can’t do everything. But I can try my very best at the things I can do. And that, that I will always promise you. Well, that and continued adoration of Tina Fey. Please, like you had to ask.

So with that, because I can and because I’m kinda good at it, here are some lovely ladies for you to enjoy in various states of dress. But in black and white, because that makes the objectification more classy. It’s a rule, look it up in your college art books. Hey, just because I’m cutting myself some slack doesn’t mean I don’t want to occasionally have you fine folks stare slack-jawed at your screens.

Michelle RodriguezIf you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun,” you’re thinking about the wrong thing.

Catherine Zeta-JonesEvery time I see her I want to turn to Michael Douglas and say, “Dude, nicely done.”

Elizabeth MitchellUncontrollable jealously of a pillow in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Diane LaneNormally I’m against shoes on the couch, normally.

Stana KaticI finally saw that movie where she plays a wife-stealing lesbian. Poor Greg Kinnear never stood a chance.

Tina TurnerIn contrast, if you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun” here, you’re thinking about the very right thing.

Happy 2012, kittens. Be good to yourself, you’re worth it.

Castle Katic

Do you know who I’ve recently discovered? Stana Katic. I know I put her on my “Unsnubbed” list earlier this year. But truth be told I just never watched “Castle.” This makes no sense because I love crime procedurals and I love Captain Tightpants. But I think the concept always bugged me a bit. A mystery writer who works for the police? I’m a writer and even I am like, um, hey now what now? (Also, don’t get me started on the concept for “The Mentalist.”)

But last week as I was finishing up my mandatory Team Hope and Team Chaz DVR fast forwarding of DWTS, I left the channel on and caught the beginning of “Castle.” Or, let’s say, I tried to catch the beginning of “Castle.” Mostly I just stared open-mouthed at the screen and thought, JESUS STANA KATIC IS FUCKING GORGEOUS. I have no idea what the plot of the show was. I have no idea whether I liked the show or not. I have no idea about anything other than razor cheekbones and flowing hair and leather jackets.

Now I understand after doing some research (it’s for science, people, for science), that Stana wasn’t always allowed to shine quite as much. She had more of a regulation lady cop haircut and sense of style. I mean compare her early publicity photos to her current publicity photos for the show. It’s like the showrunners finally gave up and said, “Fuck it, our star is ridiculously beautiful. Go with it.”

And last week, well – low whistle. Of course, it does stretch the realm of credulity a bit to have this spectacular specimen of the female form walking around with perfectly wind-blown hair and glamour make-up pretending to catch bad guys. But you have to go with your strength. And here, with all due respect to Nathan Fillion and his extreme degree of hunkiness and likeability, your strength is Stana Katic. Seriously, guys, I would happily watch this show on mute. In fact, I just might tonight.

The Unsnubbed

You know what I get a lot of emails saying? “You should write more about [insert beautiful, talented woman’s name here].” People are always asking me to write about their favorite actresses, singers, shows, athletes, authors, younameit. I don’t mind this at all. I’m just one person and, clearly, I am not omnipotent to even the tiniest degree. So I like being alerted to folks I may be shamefully ignoring. That said, there are certain people I purposely ignore, without the slightest hint of shame. Though I actually don’t get too many requests for those people. Not too many Kardashian fans read my blog it seems – imagine that. So here then is a round-up of some of my most frequently requested blog snubs (or just woefully underrepresented ladies), my reason for their previous snubbing and my heartfelt apologies.

Stana KaticI don’t watch “Castle.” And that’s the one and only reason why. Because, seriously, that bone structure – yum.

Crystal ChappellI don’t watch daytime soaps. And I don’t watch online soaps either. Jesus, I can’t even get through my DVR queue of nighttime shows.

Laura Sánchez & Marian AguileraI don’t speak Spanish. And my need-to-watch list of English-language shows is already ridiculous. Otherwise PepSi all the way.

Anna SilkI don’t know why I waited to write about “Lost Girl.” And I have even watched all the Bo & Lauren bits on YouTube, some multiple times. Those two together? Dead sexy.

Paget BrewsterI don’t have a good reason, again. And I’ve been watching this show for years. But I’m not sure how much longer I can hang now that she and AJ Cook are gone. Plus that new girl? Words cannot express how much I loathe her father-daughter vibe with Joe Mantegna. LOATHE.

So, kittens, who else have I missed? Who needs to bloglight shined on her? Remember, check the tags. I actually have written about a shockingly large number of ladies. It’s almost like it’s my jobs.

Tank Top Tuesday

So even though it may seem like all I ever do is sit on my ass on the couch and watch TV, this is amazingly not actually the case. To be sure, I watch a lot of television. But I don’t watch everything. Now I feel downright righteous about some of non-watching stands. Still other shows make me feel downright bad about not watching. To atone for my guilt, I’d like to offer up my thank you for the lovely actresses involved. A few more tank tops like this and I’ll have to go on a series DVD renting spree of epic proportions. Good thing I like my couch.

Grace Park, Battlestar GalacticaYes, I still have never watched BSG. Please don’t tell anyone or the Geek Police will surely come to my house and arrest me for crimes against nerdiness.

Evangeline Lilly, LostThis being the final season and all, it seems ridiculous to start. Also ridiculous? A smoke monster.

Anna Paquin, True BloodI love vampires. I love Alan Ball. I have no idea why I’m not watching this show.

Chloe Sevigny, Big LoveNow this one I don’t feel quite as bad about. I mean, even Chloe said last season was “awful.”

Jessica Stroup, 90210I never watched the original either.

Blake Lively, Gossip GirlI know this show is a guilty pleasure, just not for me (sorry, Heather).

Billie Piper, Dr. WhoEvery time I happen on this show I feel two distinct things: 1) Lost and 2) Like if I wasn’t lost I’d really be enjoying myself.

Katie McGrath, MerlinSyFy had a marathon over the weekend. I had to stop to see why Rachel Weisz’s doppelganger/younger sister was running around with knights and wizards.

Stana Katic, CastleReally, I should watch just to support Captain Tight Pants. I’m a bad Whedonite.

Toni Collette, United State of TaraI have shamefully never watched. But I have the entire second season sitting on my desk. So, you know, that’s going to change.

p.s. No, really, the second season. It's a screener. Jealous?