Tank Top Tuesday

Oh, man. Is that a sight for sore eyes. You know how some ladies were kind of made to wear a tank top. And were also made to be on TV. So, how about celebrating some of TV’s best tank top wearers, past and present. Most of these ladies will be coming to a TV near you soon. And for those who aren’t, well, may they will be back in tank tops, I mean, TV where they belong.

Jaime MurrayShe’s coming back to TV in a new show for SyFy, and with Julie Benz. They probably won’t make out on it, but we can dream.

Lena HeadeyShe’ll be back on “Game of Thrones” starting April 1. I still don’t love the blonde hair. But, you know, I’ll cope.

Padma LakshmiEvery time “Top Chef” ends, I feel my TV get sad because she’ll be gone until the next season. Sighhhh.

Janina GavankarShe’ll return to “True Blood” this summer. And as Luna she doesn’t wear stupid hats.

Kaya ScodelarioShe’ll be back on the BBC this spring in a show where she makes out with Billie Piper. “Skins” and Naomily clearly wore off on her.

Summer GlauShe doesn’t have a show she’s coming back to. Seriously. Why has no one put her on another TV show?*
*Apparently she is guesting on Grey's, and filming a pilot. So, huzzah!

Linda HamiltonYeah. Mostly this is an excuse to post Linda and her guns again. But, you know, she was on “Weeds” there for a season. Now don’t bother me, I’m drooling.

Leap of Beals

Every four years we are given one extra 24-hour period to do as we damn well please. We could be lazy, and use it as a shrine to sloth. We could be helpful, and do unto others instead of unto ourselves. We could be spontaneous, and do whatever the hell we feel like whenever the hell we feel it. But me? Me, I like to use Leap Days as a bonus day to try to right a great injustice in the world. I know, I know – please, do not stare directly into the nobility of my actions. You might lose an eye from the imaginary sword I’m using to imaginarily bestow a knighthood on myself.

So this year, with great beneficence, I have chosen to concentrate my Leap Day Injustice Righting on one of the greater injustices of our time. Yes, yes – I am talking about the tragic lack of Jennifer Beals on our televisions. There’s a sign-up sheet on the back wall for those interested in volunteering to pass out water and megaphones for the protest rally I have planned later today. Together, we can right this terrible wrong.

Some of you will fondly remember the news that Jennifer was going to guest on “Castle.” Others of you fondly remember the promo pictures of Jennifer standing next to Stana Katic while guesting on “Castle.” And still others of you fondly watched the episodes where Jennifer acted alongside Stana while guesting on “Castle.” Well, I’d like to take a moment to unite all those clearly disparate groups toward the common goal of finding Jennifer a permanent show where she is not just a guest. I know with hard work and determination we can create the change we want to see on our television sets. Because otherwise, it means we are missing seeing this on a regularly scheduled basis.


Think about your life, think about your choices, television executives. We shall overcome, comrades. Keep the faith.

Castles made of hot

Dear Universe,

I realize sometimes I curse you unnecessarily. I shake my fist at your random nature. I bemoan your tendency toward chaos. I rant at your injustice and cruelty, haphazardness and loneliness. Hell, sometimes I just bitch because you’ve made it rain. But today, today I thank you from the bottom of my wee little heart for creating a confluence of such colossal comeliness that it must, in fact, be a gift. Because what else can you call when Stana Katic and Jennifer Beals are together – in one place, in one moment, in one frame – but a cosmic present of the highest order. Yet there they are, so close a few more inches and their lips would be touching. And together they will be, indeed, on Feb. 13 when they will appear on our televisions on “Castle.” When so much gorgeous happens at once, we must step back and lay grateful offerings at the feet of a mountain or base of a river. Only then will you, dear universe, know how truly awed we are by your beneficence.

I remain your ever-humble servant,
Ms. Snarker


p.s. I believe Nathan Fillion speaks for all gay ladies when he says:

Cop-Puter Code

It’s Thursday after a holiday. Which means it sucks because it’s still not Friday. But you know what doesn’t suck? Hilarious 80s cop show parodies starring Jennifer Beals and big shoulder pads. Really, that’s all the set up you need. Sometimes I still get sad that “The Chicago Code” was canceled. But I won’t lie, I’d watch the hell out of “Cop-Pupter.” (Hat tip, Erin!)

Alpha Bette City

So last week I sang the praises of that lesbothrob Shane. Shane, Shane, Shane. And, well, it got me a little nostalgic. And what is got me nostalgic for was that glorious creature Bette Porter. Oh, what a specimen. What a magnificent mix of alpha behavior and bossy tendencies. So, so, bossy. What a complicated mess of loyalty and desire, power and weakness, strength and tenderness. And when she wore those power suits, sweet merciful Zeus, how the knees automatically buckled. But it was her flaws that made her so very interesting. Power on its own is rather bland, boring even. But power with problems and all those glorious messy things that make us human? Well, that’s the wonders of Bette Porter. Also, damn, the lady was hot as fuck.

Fuck that noise

So the internet went major kerplewie at Casa Snarker last night. And being too tired to deal with it I just said, “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Which, if you think about it, is a good way to handle a multitude of life’s trials and tribulations, large and small. Work got you down? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Family driving you crazy? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” ISP trying to ruin your life by telling you repair people won’t be available to service your neighborhood for another six to eight hours? “FUCK THAT NOISE. I’M GOING TO BED.” And you wake up, and voila, the Internet works and you’re well rested. It may be my new life motto. I’m definitely putting it on a T-shirt. Though, admittedly, it doesn’t work in every single situation. And for those crises that require a more proactive approach, I always turn to the singularly wise words of one Bette Porter. Well, curse words that is. Happy fucking Wednesday.

The Canceled Code

Dear Fox,

You canceled “The Chicago Code.” That means you’ve cancelled Jennifer Beals. That means she will no longer be on our TVs. That means the universe will miss this.

LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES, FOX!

How could you do this to Jennifer? How could you do this to us?

She wore ties.

She wore tank tops.

She showed us her cop arms.

She showed us her shiny, shiny hair.

What more could this woman possibly do for you? What more could she do for us? Sigh.

I believe to deprive the world of Jennifer Beals is a mortal sin. A sin, Fox, a sin.

Sincerely miffed,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Still not convinced you have made a terrible life choice, Fox? Click that collage to enlarge all the Beals you will make us miss.

Tank Top Tuesday: TV Time

Between the return of winter TV and the start of pilot season, so much has happened that I think we’re going to need to review the revised landscape with clear-eyed, in-depth, critical analysis. In other words, we’re going to review it with tank top.

Sarah Michelle GellarSMG is coming back to TV. If that doesn’t get you excited check your pulse. If you don’t have a pulse, look out for SMG because she may be coming to stake you. Old habits die hard.

Minka KellyShe’s one of the new Angels on the “Charlie’s Angels” reboot. If the show is a hit, will boyfriend Derek Jeter start playing for Anaheim as a show of solidarity?

Adrianne PalickiPeople agree on two things when it comes to David E. Kelley’s new “Wonder Woman” series. 1) They love Adrianne’s casting as Wonder Woman. 2) They hate the pilot script with a fiery passion.

Zooey DeschanelShe is going to star in a pilot for a project that had the working title “Chicks and Dicks.” It’s hard to think of a title with less appeal to gay ladies, unless you called it “Dicks and Dicks,” but then it’d be a reality show on Logo and I’d totally watch that with several cocktails and my best gays.

Laura PreponI really liked her better as a redhead. But then I guess you have to embrace the peroxide to play Chelsea Handler, and the vodka.

Anna TorvFringe is now on Friday, but mostly I just wanted to post her holding this gun. Mmmm.

Jennifer Beals“The Chicago Code” broke out the white tank top for the very first episode. It’s blatant pandering to the lesbians, and we like it.

Sarah Shahi“Fairly Legal” isn’t a great TV show or anything. But it’s fun and Sarah has showed up in her underwear. So, you know, sold.

Caroline DhavernasI stopped watching “Off the Map” for the same reasons I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy.” Doctors with personal problems (with or without borders) just aren’t my thing. But I still love you, Jaye Tyler.

Sofia VergaraNothing new is happening with “Modern Family,” but when you have a chance to post a picture like this, you take it.

So, what new TV pilot or show has your temperature rising. And, remember, please phrase your answer in the form of a tank top.

The city that works

All is right with the universe. Jennifer Beals is back on TV. That’s right, kittens. She’s back, she’s bad ass and she’s more beautiful than you even remembered. How is that possible? I don’t know. I just know that I’m thankful and willing to make whatever kind of sacrificial offering is required to keep the spectacular Ms. Beals on my television on the regular.

And about that television show, it’s good, it’s damn good. “The Chicago Code” premieres at 9 p.m. tonight on Fox and you should watch. You should watch not just because of Jennifer (though, come on, she is reason enough), but because the show has ambition, smarts, grit and energy. Also, it had Chicago – and that’s one hell of a town.

You can read my complete review of “The Chicago Code” at AfterEllen.com later today.

Curiously, many of the reviews I’ve read for the series (all by men, mind you), have called Beals too light-weight and even slender to have the immediate gravitas to pull off her role as Chicago’s first female superintendent of police. Of course, we know better. We’ve feasted for years on the glorious tyranny of Alpha Bette. We know exactly what this woman can do with a single glance. Don’t worry, boys, she isn’t going to have any trouble at all filling out that uniform.

My one problem with the show, and it’s the drum I will continue to beat all this year, is that the pilot violates the Bechdel Rule. Sure, Jennifer has a great leading role and newcomer Ericka Johnson has a prominent part as a rookie cop. Yet, they never speak to each other or to any of the other peripheral female characters. Now, I’ve also seen the second and third episodes and there are actual words spoken (and not about a man) between women. So let’s hope more female characters work their way into this otherwise crackerjack of a series. I mean, any show that spoils us with Jennifer Beals flashes cop forearms in the very first episode has set the bar pretty high. We expect them to deliver. We know Jennifer will.

p.s. We also get to see Jennifer in a tank top in the pilot. Sweet merciful Zeus, watch this show.

Twice as nice

Hey, did you know two “The L Word” alums had new shows coming out in the next few weeks? Of course you did. Did you know one show is about cops and the other about lawyers (or former lawyers)? Of course you did. Did you know the actresses in question are Jennifer Beals and Sarah Shahi, two of the most scrumdiddlyumptious of the former TLW castmates? Of course you did. Well, fine, know it alls. Tell me which show will be better then?

I’m in the process of getting screeners for both shows (so with any luck I’ll have reviews for you when they premiere). But for now, based on their promos, which show are you most excited about? Jennifer Beals in hot cop mode for “The Chicago Code” or Sarah Shahi in hot mediator mode for “Fairly Legal.” I suspect your answer will hinge on whether you’re in a suit or pencil skirt mood. Or whether you prefer a gal in her skivvies or an elbow to the face. But either way, it’s lovely to see these actresses return to on our screens soon. Welcome back, ladies. Never leave us like that again.

Fairly Legal, Jan. 20 on USA


The Chicago Code, Feb. 7 on Fox

Right, so now I know all of you are going to cheat and say, “Both.”

Girls do make passes at girls who wear glasses

So, I still can’t stop thinking about those smart girls. If there is one accessory that almost automatically adds points to a woman’s IQ, it’s a nice pair of glasses. Give a gal with glasses a book (particularly a book about kissing, like Mia Kirshner above) and be still my big nerdy heart. Now, as some of you might remember, I’m a glasses wearer. I wear contacts most of the time, but I’ve always got my specs on in the evening to write and watch TV and hang about the house. As a kid, I wore glasses full-time – big clunky things that for some incomprehensible reason covered more of my cheeks than my actual eyes. Seriously, were we trying to look through some heretofore unknown fourth eye with those enormous hubcap lenses in the 80s? Back then they used to say “Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” But that was before the whole sexy librarian thing really took off. And now, well, I still can’t speak for the guys, but this gal sure likes making passes at girls who wear glasses. In particular, these gals. No need to take your glasses off and shake out your hair, ladies. I mean, feel free to shake out your hair, but definitely keep the glasses on while you do it. Here’s looking at you, four eyes.

Mary-Louise ParkerBig brown eyes behind big brown frames make my knees weak, instantly.

Cate BlanchettBlue eyes behind blue frames ain’t half bad either.

Shirley MansonOf course, gingers can wear whatever color frames they want.

Angelina JolieAnd then sometimes you don’t need any color at all, just the world’s most expertly arched eyebrow.

Anna TorvEverything in this picture works for me. Glasses. V-neck. Ponytail. Laptop. Books. Heck, I even like the lamp.

Padma LakshmiEverything in this picture works for me, too. Plus, I know Padma could cook me an amazing dinner afterwards. And then we’d talk shit about Tom Colicchio.

Sarah ShahiNow that’s what I call a nice pair – of glasses.

Helena Bonham CarterThis whole ensemble is crazy. But crazy good, not crazy Bellatrix Lestrange.

Rachel MaddowOh, to have her look over her Clark Kent glasses and talk dirty, dirty politics to me.

Tina FeyOh, please, like I wasn’t going to include her.

Marlee Matlin & Jennifer BealsThis is them, the insane hubcap-sized glasses we used to wear in the 80s. Of course, they look fine on Marlee and Jennifer. Whatever, I’m not jealous. Though, we probably shouldn’t talk about the hair.

Oh, and one other sexy thing about glasses? When things get steamy, so do they.