Straight Gals talking to Gay Gals

Straight gals, god bless ’em. But, let’s face it, sometimes they can be a little, well, like straight gals. And sometimes that means saying asinine things to gay gals. But that’s OK, straight gals. We love you anyway. But, no, we won’t be in a threesome with you and your boyfriend. Unless, that is, you are really hot. And your boyfriend isn’t in the room at all. What? That’s just some shit gay gals say to straight gals. Truth.

Call your girlfriend, no, really

Remember last week when I was talking about us tiny humans sometimes doing beautiful things. Well, here’s another example. If you know Robyn, you know it’s kind of impossible to listen to her music without moving your body. The Scandinavian dancehall queen’s latest single is the incalculably catchy “Call Your Girlfriend.” I like it more each time I hear it. I also really enjoy her lack of pronouns past those of the eponymous girlfriend. OK, sure, I feel a little bad for said girlfriend. But, hey, the girl can’t help it. It’s different when we kiss. Anyway, the original version is just good, danceable fun. And if you saw this delightful Swede with the perpetually lesbionic hair perform it on Ellen a couple of weeks ago you know exactly what I’m talking about. If not, please enjoy.

Quick question: Is it just me or is Robyn wearing a girdle made entirely out of Calvin Klein underwear waistbands? Just checking.

Now, here is where the tiny human, beautiful thing part really comes into play. So, as us humans are want to do, we like to put our own twist on the original. So while trolling the depths of the series of tubes over the weekend, I happened upon this viral video of fellow Swedish singing group Erato doing a very special cover of “Call Your Girlfriend.” You could call it just an a capella version. But I won’t ruin it for you. Please, press play.

I know, right!? See what we tiny humans can do with beautiful voices, well-timed claps and a few empty cottage cheese tubs? Lovely, simply lovely. Well done, Sweden.

Putting the Awe into Some

They say Tuesday’s Child is full of grace. Well, grace is nice and all. But outside of ballerinas and Audrey Hepburn, I think being full of awesome is a mite more practical. I mean, who doesn’t want to be awesome? Awesome is awesome. OK, now I feel like I’m saying awesome so much that the word is starting to lose its meaning and just become a collection of sounds. Like whenever I say the word “obey,” I drag it out like how I heard this one Southern minister say it at this wedding where the bride and groom still kept the “obey” part of the vows because they mistakenly though this was 1954. Wow. I’ve gotten awesomely off track. I was saying something about being awesome. Oh, I remember. These videos are awesome.

Cyndi Lauper is awesome.

She lifts the mood of some stranded, cranky air travelers in Buenos Aires with the best girl power song ever.

Daniel Craig & Judi Dench are awesome.

Even 007 knows it’s hard out there for a dame. On this International Women’s Day, remember nothing is sexier than equality.

Thumbs-Up Kitty is Awesome.

Also, a little creepy. Like, now what’s to prevent them from taking over the world?

Brittana being on is awesome.

If tonight’s big Brittana moment is even half as awesome as this fanvid, we’re in for a whole lot of awesome tonight.

There, well I hope those helped make your Tuesday a little more awesome. If you’re still looking for grace, you’re on your own.

It Gets Awesome

This video made the rounds last month, yet somehow I managed to not watch it until just recently. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested, it’s just at that point I was a tad It Gets Bettered out. (And, again, not that I have anything at all against the campaign – it’s wonderful and amazing and should go on forever and ever). But, you know, I know it gets better so I wasn’t sure I needed to hear it again. But then, out of my normal mix of insomnia and procrastination, I finally clicked the link I’d favorite for a rainy day. And, boy, was I thrilled I did. Not only is Rebecca Drysdale’s “It Gets Better” music video the funniest and cleverest (and danciest) of all the It Gets Better campaign, it’s also one of the most unexpectedly encouraging. So if you, like me, were suffering from a little inspirational burn out, please fight through the doldrums and hit play instead. I promise you, this video is the better we’ve been getting at – and then some. (Note: Mild NSFW language, so just wear headphones.)

Like I was saying, awesome. So awesome it’s been in my head for days – and I’m happy about it. Some of you might be familiar with delightfully naughty comedian Rebecca Drysdale already. But if it was your first introduction, my, wasn’t that a treat? Others of you will remember Beck D from her equally hilarious “The L Word Serenade” music video from a few years back. Not ringing a bell? How about a refresher. (Same NSFW language, so keep those headphones on.)

Damn, now that’s stuck in my head. And by “damn,” I mean “awesome.”

p.s. Obscure, but cool fact: “30 Rock” writer and fellow comedian Kay Cannon was a producer for this “It Gets Better” video. Everyone involved with that show is just continually high fiving a million angels.

Come on. Cake.

True story: I feel asleep last night (basically comaed out) after an hour-long fit of hysterical laughter brought on by reading damnyouautocorrect.com. As an iPhone user, the site is basically every text conversation I’ve ever had. My sister has become so skilled at deciphering my texts that the occasional use of the work of “vaginal” instead of “annual” doesn’t even phase her anymore. Though, on occasion when the predictive text just won’t stop fucking with me, she does have to ask, “Um, have you just have a stroke?” So, this is sort of a long way of saying I’m sorry I didn’t have a post up this morning. Instead, please let me gift you with the joy of laughter. First enjoy a few very funny, very charming ladies. And then, because laughing like a drunken monkey at your screen while co-workers look on is a rite of passage in this Internet age, please enjoy a couple choice examples from damnyouautocorrect.com. You’re gonorrhea.

Hillary Clinton

When Hillary turns on the charm, it dazzles. Also, I would happily write a thank you note were anyone to send me gravy chips. Just sayin’.

Tina Fey

Finally, a definitive end to the cake or pie questions. (My better half Tina won the Mark Twain Prize for Comedy this week, which will air Sunday on PBS. Swoon.)

From Damn You, Auto Correct!
[Click to embiggen the L to the OLs]
Anal birds really are the worst.

Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen

You know when you first hear a song and think, “OK, that’s dumb.” Then you hear it again and go, “OK, that’s dumb, but it has a good beat.” And then by the third time you hear it you’re singing the chorus at the top of your lungs in the car? Yeah, it’s like that.

So right now that song for me is “Whip My Hair.” There really isn’t anything to it. The title is two-thirds of the lyrics. In fact, on its surface the song’s pedigree is its most interesting attribute. You see, the insanely precocious half-pint whipping her hair back-and-forth like a pro is none other than Willow Smith, the 9-year-old daughter of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. Yes, that’s right, another one. The couple’s son Jaden was in “The Karate Kid” remake this summer and now Willow has a hit single. I swear, at this rate I’m pretty sure one of the Pinkett-Smith offspring will run for president in 2012.

What makes the whole hair whipping phenomena more interesting is its juxtaposition with the also just-released “I Love My Hair” video by Sesame Street. The cherry little number is an ode to African-American hair and, well, adorable. So damn cute.

So, well, you can see where this is all going? Yes, kittens, the inevitable “Whip My Hair”/“I Love My Hair” mash-up. Please, by all means, enjoy.

Not to over-intellectualize the reasons for one’s possible enjoyment for any or all of these videos, but - um, you know – sometimes a gal just wants her hair to look good.

"Storage solutions make me hot."

First day back after a three-day weekend. Sucks, right? Well, put on your headphones and make sure no one is nearby who will look at you funny if you start laughing like an idiot at your screen. Are you ready? Press play. Trust me, Tuesday won’t seem so bad afterward. I promise.

p.s. Check out AfterEllen today for my interview with the video’s creator and all-around funny lady DeAnne Smith. In no particular order we discuss Justin Bieber, being a sex god and how exactly to manifest that kitten out of pure love and hemp sock lint.

Acid Wash vs. Day Glo

So not to date myself (who am I kidding, I always date myself), but I certainly got a chuckle out of the news that Debbie Gibson and Tiffany were going to star – and fight – in a new SyFy film. The 80s teen pop idols will star in “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.” No, I am not kidding. Debbie will play “a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators.” In the script they get into a fight at a party which ends up in a swamp. Naturally.

Now, children of the 80s like me know that the Debbie or Tiffany question was one of the defining questions of our era. It was the Team Edward or Team Jacob of our time. The way you answered it framed you as this or that kind of person. Well, at least that’s how it played out in my head. I was all Team Debbie. Tiffany sang in malls – malls, people. But Debbie, she shook her love. Totally different.

In my adolescent mind, Debbie was much classier. But then, they both ended up posing naked in Playboy. So, I guess I just further proved the truism that preteen girls should never be arbiters of public taste.

Of course, this is a genius way to settle all real (or imagined) pop culture rivalries. Schlocky sci-fi movies should become our go-to way to once and for all settle the matter of supremacy. Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston in “Ultra Fox vs. Mega Friend.” Rosie O’Donnell vs. Elisabeth Hasselbeck in “King Kong vs. Godzilla.” Backstreet Boys vs. *NSync in “Who Are We Kidding, We Both Suck.”

Now, time has a funny way of putting everything in perspective. And these days I think I feel a little more nostalgic for Tiffany’s cheesy 80s ballads than Debbie’s (also, she insists on being called Deborah now, which – girl, come on).”Could’ve Been” was also the first song I ever slow danced to at a school dance. To be honest, I don’t remember the boy. But I remember the girl who sang it.

Though, if I could make one small, crucial suggestion to SyFy before they start filming - please, please, please put them in Day-Glo and acid-wash jeans for their big swamp fight. This is an 80s rivalry, after all. It only seems right.

Yep, yep, yep

We interrupt our regularly scheduled hot women in tank tops and Tina Fey worship for this very important public service announcement. Everything is funnier when done by puppets. So with that I give you the Sesame Street crew performing “Telephone.” More proof Sesame Street is so gay: Its abundant use of the word “yep.” Everyone knows that’s reserved for celebrities affirming to People magazine their sexual orientation. Also, everyone knows about Bert & Ernie. Come on, boys, Ricky Martin finally came out, too.

Magnifico-o-o-o-o

Some things you never grow out of – and thankfully so. We’re a day away from the day we here in the states all try to remember what we’re thankful for, so maybe I’m feeling a little nostalgic. I’ll be taking Thanksgiving off to gorge myself on roasted tryptophan and buttered rolls. But today, I just want to enjoy the uncomplicated joy that is The Muppets singing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Happy Thanksgiving, all.

Say Cheesus, what happened to your arms?

I love photography. I suck at it, but I love looking at other people’s work who don’t. I appreciate the skill that goes into a great shot. The composition, the lighting, the artistry. I can also appreciate that sometimes things can go awry – very, very awry. Like say, dear God, where the hell are her arms wrong. I mean, look what they did to poor Julianne Moore. Last time I checked she wasn’t appearing in a movie about a double amputee who walks around in hooker heels. Though, come to think of it, that movie has Oscar written all over it.

Liv TylerJesus, this missing arm thing is contagious.

Kate WinsletThey got Kate, too. No one is safe. Run! Run!

Natalie Portman
Don’t you just hate it when you get a piece of your delicious vegan, fair-trade, sustainably-farmed lunch caught way back in your molars?

Summer GlauSummer, on the other hand, looks like she is digging for a big, juicy piece of steak.

Marion Cotillard

This is the classic, I have to pee but have no idea where the restrooms are pose.

Rachel Weisz

Well, I guess that’s one way to solve the no restroom problem.

Marg HelgenbergerApproach with extreme caution, a feral animal is foaming at the mouth in the corner.

Keri RussellWhile she has all her limbs, nothing in her teeth and appears to have used the restroom before departure, this photo is still WRONG IN EVERY WAY.

Here kittie, kittie

I would like to interrupt this blog about pop culture, lesbians and lesbians in pop culture (and every now and then politics – but only when I’m feeling too big for my britches) for an important public service announcement. I do not support A Day Without Cats. In fact, I abhor the idea. Cats bring the LOLs to The Internets. Without them, who would play us off? Look, I love all creatures great and small. But to artificially omit one does not uplift the others, but instead diminishes them all. Also, they’re just so damn cute. How could we go without them? And this is coming from someone who for most of her life was an avowed dog person. So with that, for one day only, I will do what I told myself I would never do: cat blog. What can I say? All that stuff about lesbians and their cats? TOTALLY TRUE.

Whoops, that last one is the wrong kind of “Cat.” Totally my bad.

Six packs are for cans

Hey, did you hear about the time the fashion magazine showed a real woman’s body? And did you hear that, despite what some fashion editors might think, the world did not stop spinning because her perceived imperfections weren’t Photoshopped out? In fact, did you hear that instead of revolting in disgust, the readers rejoiced? I know, I know – sounds like an urban legend. But, unlike that gerbil thing, this actually happened.

Glamour’s September issue has been causing quite a stir, not because of its cover story on Jessica Simpson or feature on “331 Sexy Looks You Can Afford!” But instead the clamor is for a simple photo on Page 194. It’s a photo of a beautiful young woman with a big, wonderfully confident smile and a small, totally normal stomach pooch.

Many things are extraordinary about this photo because of, ironically, its very ordinariness. This is a woman with a stomach that looks like what so many of us see when we look in the mirror. Yet we are all taken aback because we have been so conditioned to expect so-called perfection in the glossy pages of magazines. For reference see Kelly Clarkson. See Faith Hill. See any beautiful woman that somehow wasn’t quite beautiful enough to be shown how she really looks, untouched and unaltered.

Glamour has been flooded with positive comments on the photo, as they should be. The editor and lovely young model, Lizzi Miller, appeared on the Today show earlier this week. But our visceral reaction to this image only serves to underscore a sad truth about our culture. We have been made to feel so badly about ourselves by images that are utterly unattainable that when we see something real, it shocks us. And we are moved.

Our minds are like our bodies: what you feed them matters. If we only ever ingest a diet of impossibly thin, incredibly perfect junk imagery it starts to corrode our egos. It clogs our confidence. And, before you know it, our hearts are hardened to the fact that women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes, colors and creeds.

Make no mistake, this is what they want. The beauty industry isn’t about making women feel beautiful. It’s about making us feel so horrible about ourselves for not being beautiful that we buy whatever they are selling. Making us hate who we are is a billion-dollar industry. Even Glamour, who I whole-heartedly applaud for featuring Lizzi, has a headline on the cover of that same issue that screams: “3 Flat Belly Secrets!” Two steps forward, one step back.

We all want to look our best and be healthy. But loving who we are, flaws and all, is a life-long project made harder by the messages we are bombarded with every day. Firmer. Smoother. Younger. Thinner. Right now, think of three things you don’t like about your body and then three things you love about your body. Those first three came easier, didn’t they? Now fuck those first three things. Because only those last three things matter. We are as beautiful as we feel. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

State of grace

Mondays often lack a certain grace. You're cranky. You're stressed. You're harboring lingering resentments from the weekend. (cough, Amazon fail, cough, gay glitch, cough) Quite frankly, you'd rather be sleeping. So what better way to ease into another work week than with a moment of grace? No, not the kind of grace that goes “rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub” or any of its more eloquent variants. This is grace in the form of Summer Glau as shot by Tyler Shields and accompanied by the music of Cat Power. Fuck that plastic bag from “American Beauty,” this may be one of the most beautiful things ever filmed. And it's a reminder that no matter what life throws at you, you can always stop to appreciate a simple act of grace.

[See it in hi-res by clicking HQ here, it's well worth the click]

Getting to appreciate Summer and all her bendy goodness, well, that's just a bonus.

Wait, did I mention Summer was classically trained as a ballerina until an injury forced her from the profession?

Seriously, if you can even look graceful while all shot to hell, then that's almost unfair.

Even though I've only watched “Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles” on-and-off this past season, I hope against hope that last Friday's finale isn't the final one. Grace like Summer need to be on my TV. And, of course, that goes for Lena, too. Now, if I could find a picture of her in a leotard doing the splits, then this would officially qualify as the best Monday ever.

And now for something completely different

So, yesterday was a crappy day. And it looks like the whole next week at work will be that way. Thank you, stupid economy. So instead of just wallowing (though, trust me, there will be wallowing...and alcohol), how about some sublime silliness? Because no matter what kind of shit sandwich life serves you, The Internets always has a baby panda sneezing as dessert to cheer you up.

Great for the office!


Some sandwiches you kill for.


Parlez vous humpback?


Though, really, how can you be mad at a universe that sees fit to make a pink dolphin?

Equality School Musical

What they said, or more accurately, sang. Because, seriously, if we can't laugh at our lack of equal rights, we'd just cry all day long. Also, I think this means that Margaret Cho, Jack Black, Andy Richter, Maya Rudolph, John C. Reilly, Allison Janney, Kathy Najimy, Nicole Parker, Jenifer Lewis, Rashida Jones, Sarah Chalke and – of course – Neil Patrick Harris and Marc Shaiman will get free drinks at any gay bar in America for life. Sure, I wish all this gaytastic goodness came together about six weeks ago. But better late than never, right? And, in case you're looking for ways to show your support and can't hold a tune, why not tie a simple White Knot instead. Hey, does anyone else have a sudden craving for some shrimp cocktail?

[Hat tip for White Knot to Melanie; Hat tipalooza for “Prop 8: The Musical” to Emma, Amelia, Colleen, Julie and Sarah!]

Kiss and tell

Dear Out,

Uh, hi. Yeah, I just wanted to say, What The Fuck? Katy Perry? Katy fucking Perry? Katy Perry is your female pick for the most important gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered person to put on your cover for 2008? Katy Perry? Katy fucking Perry? This is a joke, right? What you meant to do was pick an actual lesbian to pose amid the gay men, right? Right?

But instead you've given us the flirting, winking, flouncing straight woman who sang about kissing a girl and hoping her “boyfriend don't mind it.” The woman who called another woman her “experimental game” and said kissing her was “not what good girls do.” The woman whose irrationally catchy song became the anthem for every drunken “Girls Gone Wild” hook-up to an audience of frat boys. The woman who said she has never actually kissed a girl in real life. That woman. Really?

And it's not like there weren't some amazing actual lesbian women you could have picked this year. Rachel Maddow has been in the headlines quite a bit, and I hear that of all things Vogue has taken notice. Ellen DeGeneres got married and found her political voice. Heck, even Lindsay Lohan will at least cop to being “maybe” bisexual and is sleeping with a girl. But this, this is an insult. I could really care less about Katy Perry. If she somehow manages to jimmy out another hit or two, well, good for her. But what I do care about is that you think that Katy fucking Perry was the best GLBT female to put on your cover this year.

I means, seriously, it wasn't even her idea in the first place.

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker

Mind & Body Break

Sometimes you just need a Mind & Body Break. Today, well, today is one of those days. Now, when I say Mind & Body Break, I don't mean a day at the spa...though, now that I think about it, that wouldn't be too bad either. No, I mean a Mind & Body Break in the sense that with a couple of clicks both your mind and body will feel refreshed. Think it's impossible? Just watch.

First, the Body. Please let the fabulous Ms. Knowles work it out for you. I swear, if I could just once make my hips move like B does here, I could die a happy woman. Where my single ladies at? Beyoncé dance break in the middle of the room, immediately.

• Beyoncé
• New Music

And now, the Mind. I watched this video four times in a row yesterday. I did this because it made me feel good. And not in the usual, “Awww, isn't that a cute kitten!” “Hey, is that dog riding a tricycle?” way many other videos make you feel good. No, this made me feel better because it made me believe we really can make the world a better place. In these terribly uncertain and unsatisfying times, I think what we all really want is to know that we can still make a difference. Find out more about The Girl Effect. Go girl, indeed. [Hat tip, Shakesville!]

See, a little fun for the Body, a little fuel for the Mind. Who needs a stupid spa anyway?

Me want cookie

I love this video so much. And, really, I’m not even entirely sure why. As a rule, I hate most reality programming (Bravo shows excluded, naturally). But, well, there’s just something about Kathreya from UK’s “Big Brother” that kind of makes my heart melt. I think that in some strange way this silly little clip of her perfectly encapsulates the human condition. Wait, wait – bear with me. I have not gone completely crazy, not yet at least. No, if you think about it for a second this actually makes sense.

You can substitute whatever it is you want most in the world for her simple cry of “Cookie!” and, voila, it becomes a universal plea. Give it a try at home: “Happinessssssssss!” “Respectttttttttt!” “Loooooooooove!” “Baconnnnnnnnnn!” Though, I think from now on whenever I’m feeling particularly frustrated with the universe, I’m just going to look up at the sky and belt out an enormous “Cookieeeeeeeeee!” I’m pretty sure if we all did it, the world would be a better place.

Peaches & Piggy

Maybe it’s just me or maybe I’m just really, really ready for Pride this weekend, but I think this is the most brilliantly mesmerizing 2 minutes and 30 seconds I’ve witnessed in quite some time. It’s so wrong that it’s right. I give you: Miss Piggy, Peaches and “Fuck the Pain Away.” If that’s not awesome, then what the fuck is?

(Umm, clearly, NSFW. Headphones, people, headphones.)

[Hat tip, Shakesville!]