Lap it up

Dear Milk,

Why do you taunt me so? You know I can't drink you. You know you cause untold pain to my gastrointestinal system. You know cookies will forever be lonely at my house. But now, now you've gone and done it. Now you've made me want to run out to the grocery store and buy a damn gallon of you. Or, more precisely, a six pack. What, you doesn't come in six packs? Well, I must have been thinking of something else. Gosh, but I couldn't think what. Hmmm, this is a stumper. Well, never mind. Though, suddenly I'm terribly, terribly thirsty.

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker

[Hat tip, Mallory!]

Yeah, suck it, I did win the Golden Globe

Dear BabsonLacrosse, dianefan and Cougar Letter,

You can suck it. You can totally, totally suck it. You're damn right, I'm taking it personally. No one insults my fake wife (yes, that's right, we've taken our fake relationship to the next level) and gets away with it.

And the fact that you're REAL LIVE INTERNET POSTERS, well, that just means you can suck it even harder. Part of me is just jealous because she took the time to read your posts. But the other part of me is just incensed that even after getting name dropped on national television by Tina fucking Fey, you're still haters.

On the flip side, that she would take the time to mention actual online commenters in her acceptance speech is the polar opposite of what it means to suck it. See, I knew there was a reason I fake proposed and she fake accepted.

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Also the polar opposite of sucking it: Kate Winslet, Sally Hawkins and Salma Hayek's bossoms

New Year's Cate-olutions

Dear 2009,

Hi, look, I know we've only just met and we're still getting to know one another. And I certainly don't usually make a habit of asking for favors at such an early stage in a relationship. But, 2009, already I feel like we might become great friends or at the very least cordial acquaintances. (What? That was one of my New Year's resolutions: Be more optimistic.) So I don't think it would be too bold of me to ask you to grant me this one request: Please, 2009, make more like Cate Blanchett.

Granted, I don't mean her looks because I will never be a tall blonde with alabaster skin. That just ain't going to happen, period. Still, I wouldn't mind Cate's body if you could work something out for me in that area. That way I could kill two resolutions (that pesky "Work out more" one) with one letter. It never hurts to ask, right?

But what I'm really talking about is her style. Her elegance. Her poise. Her ability to lead a seemingly ordinary life amid extraordinary circumstances. Looking at her photoshoot with the unparalleled Annie Leibovitz for the February Vanity Fair cover story, I realize what separates the merely famous from the true stars. The stars are magnetic. Their talent shines through the ages. Quite simply, they transcend.

So, 2009, can you help me out on this one? Though, look, I'm willing to be flexible. If you can't make me more like Cate Blanchett, perhaps you could just give me Cate Blanchett – you know just for an hour or two of twelve. I mean, have you seen Cate Blanchett? Damn, so now I'm starting to rethink the entire premise of this letter. OK, let's start over: Dear 2009, I want Cate Blanchett – can you make this happen?

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Oh, and 2009, my other resolution is to finally, finally answer all of the incredibly kind emails I've received in the past month. Sadly, I don't even think Cate could help me with that one. But I'm working on it. I promise.

Kiss and tell

Dear Out,

Uh, hi. Yeah, I just wanted to say, What The Fuck? Katy Perry? Katy fucking Perry? Katy Perry is your female pick for the most important gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered person to put on your cover for 2008? Katy Perry? Katy fucking Perry? This is a joke, right? What you meant to do was pick an actual lesbian to pose amid the gay men, right? Right?

But instead you've given us the flirting, winking, flouncing straight woman who sang about kissing a girl and hoping her “boyfriend don't mind it.” The woman who called another woman her “experimental game” and said kissing her was “not what good girls do.” The woman whose irrationally catchy song became the anthem for every drunken “Girls Gone Wild” hook-up to an audience of frat boys. The woman who said she has never actually kissed a girl in real life. That woman. Really?

And it's not like there weren't some amazing actual lesbian women you could have picked this year. Rachel Maddow has been in the headlines quite a bit, and I hear that of all things Vogue has taken notice. Ellen DeGeneres got married and found her political voice. Heck, even Lindsay Lohan will at least cop to being “maybe” bisexual and is sleeping with a girl. But this, this is an insult. I could really care less about Katy Perry. If she somehow manages to jimmy out another hit or two, well, good for her. But what I do care about is that you think that Katy fucking Perry was the best GLBT female to put on your cover this year.

I means, seriously, it wasn't even her idea in the first place.

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker

From L to X

Dear Mama Chaiken,

Sometimes, when you get it right you get it so right. Sure I've bitched. Sure I've moaned (both the good and bad kinds, ahem). But today when I read, straight from Xena's chakram, that none other than Lucy Lawless was going to make an appearance on the final season of “The L Word” I almost forgave you for all your transgressions. (Well, not Dana, I'll never forgive you for Dana. Or the floating words. Or the inexplicable character personality whiplash between seasons...wait, wasn't I forgiving you?)

But, hello, inspired casting. To have Xena and Bette on the same show? Now that's an Alpha Lesbian pairing for the ages. I mean it, that might almost be too much for our little gay brains to compute. You might hear heads exploding all across the globe. Talk about la mort heureuse.

Sure, we don't know the specifics yet. Lucy just told us to look for her “on The L Word at some point.” But she couldn't tell us anything about it because “it's deep in the closet.” That wording has to be ironic. Look, I'll tell you right now that Lucy and Jennifer Beals better share some screen time. That's just mandatory. In fact, she better meet and mingle with the entire cast. And, as a special favor, can you have her bring the breast plate? What? I had to ask.

So, many thanks for spreading lesbionic joy among the masses. And, just in case you still have a guest spot left for yet another dykon next season, might I suggest – oh, dream of dreams – Jodie Foster. Heck, if you can get Jodie I'll even forgive you for the Dana thing. Think about it.

With love (and sometimes hate),
Ms. Snarker

p.s. While I'm a tad miffed you didn't tell me this gaytastic news in person, a big Warrior Princess sword tip to The Gentleman for relaying it instead.

I only say this because I care

Dear America,

What the fuck? Seriously, huh? I go away for 10 days and you go ape shit. And by ape shit, I actually mean simians throwing poo. How did the bespectacled, beehived governor of Alaska become The Issue in this presidential election? Did someone slip something funny into my vacation margaritas and this is all really just a very strange, very bad dream? If so, I’m ready to wake up. Like, now. Like, yesterday. Like, make it stop.

Having observed (more like tried to avoid) the Palinification of this campaign for the past 11 days, I am of two minds as to what to do about this mess you find ourselves in. The big part of me wants to rip my hair out and scream at you, yes you, America. How could you fall into such a misguided and ultimately unrequited girlcrush? Remember back in high school when you had that crush and your friends, your parents, your teachers, your lunch ladies all told you she was totally, completely, dangerously wrong for you and you should just walk away and find a nice, sensible, worthy girl to give your affections to instead? Yeah, it’s like that, only so much more important.

Then there is another, smaller part of me that wants to do a begrudging golf clap to the entire Republican Party for such a brilliantly cynical political move. My God, they’re genius at being evil. I mean, who else could scream SEXISM at even the slightest disagreement over Palin’s credentials when they’re the ones who said Hillary Clinton’s voice reminded every man in America of a nagging wife demanding you “Take out the garbage!”? Who else could cry SMEARS when they’re the ones who put out an ad so patently false and sleazily misleading that every major news organization has decried its accuracy? Who is suddenly OUTRAGED by questions into a candidate’s personal life when they lead the torch-wielding mob that went after Obama for his ex-pastor Jeremiah Wright and spread the ridiculous rumors about him being a secret Muslim? They did. They did. They so fucking did. Shit, you have to hand it to those crafty elephants, they've got big brass ones when it comes to being utterly shameless. So I can see how you might get fooled at first glance, America, by their diabolical ways. But you and I both know that the truth still matters.

Look, America, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but you must know that deep down, I really do love you. I think you’ve got unlimited potential and a great big heart. And, most importantly, I know you’re not this dumb. So you're going to see though all of this devious spin and make a smart choice for your future. For now I’m going to give you some time to get over this little infatuation. Moon over she who should not be vice president as Charlie Gibson undoubtedly will lobs some softballs her way on TV tonight. I'm not worried. Clearly this just a phase (and not the gay kind of phase because we all know those are permanent). But come November 4, please promise me that this whole thing will be out of your system. I can't bear to see you throw yourself at someone else who is clearly not good enough for you. Remember the Dubya debacle? No one wants to see you you waste another eight years of your life on a mistake. I only say this because I care.

With love,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Sarah Haskins totally agrees with me. So if you won't listen to me, America, please listen to the only sane Sarah in this scenario.

UPDATE: Oh, and just in case the sensible Sarah or I inspired you to "Just say no," check out Women Against Sarah Palin.
[Hat tip, Debbie and Jill!]

Tina Fey Thursday

Dear Tina,

Hey, honey. I just wanted to write you a quick note to check in just in case you'd been feeling a tad ignored lately. Let me assure you, you are still my No. 1 gal. You're the tops. You're the best. You're the one.

OK, sure, there might have been other ones, too. It's not that I've been unfaithful, it's just that the world is filled with so many smart, amazing and hilarious women. So, yeah, I've thought about it. And maybe I've even flirted a little. Fine, a lot. I am only human, after all.

Look, it's not like you made things easy for me either. All those other women shamelessly lusting after you. They're practically throwing themselves at your feet. But do you rebuff their worship? Noooooo. Plus, it's not like you've returned any of my calls. Or replied to any of my letters. And, really, was that restraining order absolutely necessary?

But, you know I can't stay mad at you. Not when you give me one of your geeky little grins. All that other stuff just becomes so much water under the bridge when you have a love like ours. I know you only call the cops on me because you care. I want you to know that you have nothing to fear. My eyes may wander, but my heart will never stray. Though, maybe you should keep the glasses on – just in case.

Your always,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Seriously sweetie, glasses or not, any gal with a badonkadonk like this, well, she's a keeper. My baby's got back. DAY-YUM!