Show me your muscles

So, we all already knew that girls' sports were awesome. But now, according to the New York Times, girls' sports are actually lucrative. Suck it, Major League. Though, in all seriousness, anyone who has ever been to a girls' or women's sporting event can tell you that the heart these competitors play with is equal, if not greater than, any competitor in men's sports. This is because, for the most part, they aren't playing for glory or future fame or big shoe endorsements. They're playing for the unadulterated, uncomplicated, uncompromised love of the game. So, yeah, girls' sports are awesome. And the women these girl athletes grow into, sweet holy hell, they're hot.

Dara Torres I focus on her abs so much I forget she has killer arm cleavage.

Detroit ShockI'd better see him wear this during one of his pick-up games.

Serena WilliamsThose arms make me want to be a better woman.

Jelena JankovicThese too.

Natasha KaiWanna see ‘Tasha get a tattoo? Course you do.

Blanca VlasicOh my, the bendy.

Lolo JonesI think she might possibly be perfect, tiny trip and all.

Lap it up

Dear Milk,

Why do you taunt me so? You know I can't drink you. You know you cause untold pain to my gastrointestinal system. You know cookies will forever be lonely at my house. But now, now you've gone and done it. Now you've made me want to run out to the grocery store and buy a damn gallon of you. Or, more precisely, a six pack. What, you doesn't come in six packs? Well, I must have been thinking of something else. Gosh, but I couldn't think what. Hmmm, this is a stumper. Well, never mind. Though, suddenly I'm terribly, terribly thirsty.

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker

[Hat tip, Mallory!]

I'll bring the muscle

Ask and ye shall receive. If it's strong women you want, baby, it's strong women you get. Now anyone who was around during the Summer Olympics knows my fetish admiration for athletic women is boundless. I'm endlessly impressed by “muscularity/toned/athleticism” in women. Heck, I've even theorized before that strong arms are like cleavage for lesbians. They certainly get more overt ogling from me than either T or A. Part my love of athletes is the dedication and work that goes into these glistening bodies and part is because I am a spectacularly clumsy, scrawny, athletically-challenged dork. So, you know, opposites attract.

Dara TorresI think my deep reverence for the accomplishments of this five-time Olympian could best be summed up by the saying: humana humana, humana humana.
Natasha KaiSoccer star. Check. Lesbian. Check. Gold Medal. Check. Tattoos. Check. No, seriously, check out those tattoos.


Gina CaranoI'm a lover (or at least aspire to be a lover), and decidedly not a fighter. Still, any way you slice it mixed martial arts fighter (a.k.a. Crush from “American Gladiator”) is a knockout. Seriously. Thud.
Gro HammersengI don't really understand handball other than that it looks hard as hell to play. What I do understand is that 6-feet-tall lesbian Norwegian handball captains have the kind of arm cleavage that renders me temporarily incapable for forming multisyllabic words, or any words at all.
Fabiola da Silva

When Brazilian inline skater and seven-time X-Games gold medalist reaches for the sky, the sky has to take a step backward. Her skills are so limitless the league had to create the “Fabiola Rule” to allow her to compete against the men. From the looks of things, she could out bench press a bunch of them, too.
Jessica ZelinkaIf muscle definition was an Olympic sport, this Canadian heptathlete would be a world record breaker. Guess she'll just have to settle for being an actual Olympian. Oh, and cute as a button – a really fit button.
Steffi GrafSteffi is my favorite tennis player, and possibly athlete, of all time. Her sheer domination of the sport was nothing short of mesmerizing. Also, I'm pretty sure her famous Vogue photoshoot from 1989 helped make me gay.

SGALGG: Gold Medal Edition

What I love, among many things, about the Olympics is the sheer, unfiltered joy on the faces of the women as they reach their goals. It may be a gold medal. It may be a personal best. It may just be having made it to the grandest stage of her sport. But in that moment of supreme accomplishment, she has a beauty that transcends simple victory. This is not about bragging. This is about happiness. Of course, I also love that in their jubilant moments of triumph these women tend to look super, duper gay.

[Click each to enlarge the Straight Gals* Acting Like Gay Gals.]

Kerri Walsh & Misty May-Treanor , USA, beach volleyballGreat sport or greatest sport ever?

Tamsin Barnett & Natalie Cook, Australia, beach volleyballCloser, closer, closer...

Luiza Almeida & friend, Brazil, dressageShe is 16, so behave.

Keri-Anne Payne & Cassandra Patten, Great Britain, women's marathon swimmingAll that swimming deserves a kiss.

Hanna Thompson & Emily Cross, USA, fencingParry, parry, thrust

Women's Eight, USA, rowingOh, to be the ninth.

Nicole Hudson & Sarah Young, Australia, field hockeySticks, tattoos, muscles, dresses...where was I?

Rebecca Adlington & Cassandra Patten, Great Britain, swimmingPublic pool, private moment.

Xue Chen & Zhang Xi, China, beach volleyballHands, hands!

Li Jia Wei & Feng Tianwei, Singapore, table tennisI watched table tennis all last night. It. Was. Awesome.

Anastasia Davydova & Anastasia Ermakova, Russia, synchronized swimmingClearly too much eyeshadow to actually be gay, and yet......this is how they celebrated their 2004 gold medal in Athens.

Dara Torres, USA, hottieThis one is for the ladies of Shakesville, you know who you are. Sorry I couldn't bring along Tina, too. Sadly, they still haven't officially recognized “awesome” as an Olympic sport. Bastards.

*I'm assuming straightness. If any of these ladies wants to kick open the closet door, I'd be more than happy to create a new category: GGALGG.

Tank Top Tuesday

I love the Olympics. I just do. I've watched them since I was a wee, unathletic child and watch them now as a wee, unathletic adult. I've never watched an opening ceremony where my eyes haven't misted over at the sheer accomplishment and pride on the faces of every athlete. And I guess, really, that's what I love most about the Olympics – the athletes themselves. The discipline, dedication and drive to become the best in the world is truly awesome in the actual dictionary definition of the word. Also, they're just freaking hot. Like Beijing in August hot. Like melt the circuitry on the computer screen hot. Like center of the sun hot. No wonder they're wearing all those tank tops. A look at some of Team USA's most spectacular sleeveless stars. So in the spirit of true sportsmanship, I give you T3: Olympics Edition.

Dara Torres, swimmingIt almost seems wrong to deprive us of those abs.

[Hat tip, Dana of Mombian.com!]

Natasha Kai, soccerSwoon. Thud. Swoon. Thud. She is out, too? Thud and stay thud.

Hope Solo, soccerGoooooooooooal! Keeper that is.

Allyson Felix, trackThe best kind of fast woman.

Alicia Sacramone, gymnasticsBendy is a good thing.

[Hat tip, Caitlin!]

Amy Acuff, high jumpTall and bendy ain't bad either.

Candace Parker, basketballDouble your tank tops, double your fun.

Sue Bird, basketballPretty, pretty birdie

Logan Tom, volleyballKeep your eye on the ball.

Elaine Youngs and Nicole Branagh, beach volleyballWhat? Bikini tops totally count as tank tops.

p.s. Fear not my international friends, my all-American tribute today is not an isolationist stance on hotness. The Olympics run until Aug. 24, so if you've got the tank tops, I've got the time. Send me your best, world.

Hot. Damn.

Um, damn. No, I mean it, DAMN. If you don’t know who the physical specimen is above, then I suggest you sit down before proceeding. Seriously, sit down. Because what I’m about to tell you next just might knock you on your ass. Please say hello to Dara Torres. Please say hello to 41-year-old Dara Torres. Please say hello to 41-year-old, mother of a two-year-old Dara Torres. Please say hello to 41-year-old, mother of a two-year-old and soon-to-be five-time Olympian Dara Torres.

Um, did I mention damn?

Dara made her fifth U.S. Olympic team over the weekend, qualifying in both the 50-meter and 100-meter freestyle races. Both times, she beat a field of 20-something. Dara competed in her first Olympics in 1984 where she took home a gold medal at age 17. For those counting at home, 24 years have passed since then. That means her first Olympic medal is older than some of you reading right now. Already it’s a good year older than fellow Olympian Michael Phelps. Her last Olympics were in Sydney in 2000. Her accomplishment at this weekend’s trials make her the first American swimmer to compete in five games and the oldest female swimmer in the history of the Olympics.

Right about now, I have the feeling you’re with me on the damn.

The New York Times Magazine ran a feature on Torres before the U.S. Olympic Trials. [Hat tip, Lola!] The story called her 41-year-old body “breathtaking” and I really can’t think of a better word. It’s staggering, really. The article also explains how she keeps it that way with a team that includes “a head coach, a sprint coach, a strength coach, two stretchers, two masseuses, a chiropractor and a nanny, at the cost of at least $100,000 per year.” It even addresses the inevitable doping questions (she has never tested positive and recently even volunteered to be in a new, much more strenuous anti-doping pilot program.)

Over the weekend Dara won both her races, beating out competitors 16 and 20 years younger than her. On the way to winning the 50-meter freestyle she set a new American record. After winning the latter, she told reporters: “I think I’ve shown that you don’t want to put an age limit on your dreams.”

Like I was saying, damn.

p.s. Just in case her physique, haircut or uber hotness pinged any of your collective gaydars, she is apparently straight. That’s a whole different kind of damn.