Tank Top Tuesday: Gone Haywire

Dude, duuuuude. Do you know about Gina Carano? No, but seriously, do you know about her? She is a now-retired mixed martial arts fighter, a former American Gladiator and fledgling actress. Hey, you, I’m talking to you. Stop staring at her guns. Or her abs. Or, you know, her whatever else you may be looking at. This is serious. OK, fine, it’s not serious. But it is seriously hot. Gina will make her starring feature film debut in “Haywire” this weekend. The action film from Steven freaking Soderbergh also features a bunch of dudes (Michael Douglas, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, Michael Fassbender, Antonio Banderas), but the main attraction is Gina who plays a covert operative who gets burned and decides to burn back. In a really big way. I won’t lie, I have no idea if Gina can act. But she sure can kick ass. And she looks great in a tank top. Or a sports bra. Also whatever the hell strappy, holey contraption she is wearing above is. And for me, today, that’s more than enough reason to rejoice. Hey, it is a Tuesday. So sue me.


p.s. Did you know there is also video?

p.p.s. And just in case you want to see her in another kind of action, here is a little clip from “Haywire.” Damn, girl, is an understatement.

Naked Lady Athletes Monday

Now, I know these photos came out late last week. And I know you all have been emailing and tweeting and asking if I’ve seen them. And, yes, I’ve seen them. But I saved them, on purpose, to show them to you when you really needed it. Patience, you see, isn’t just a virtue. It’s a gift. Sure, they would have been fun to look at on Thursday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday. But Monday, Monday is when you need them – really, really need them. So, that’s where I come in. No need to thank me. Just, you know, don’t drool on the screen.

Hope Solo, Olympic & World Cup soccer goalieThat garden hose is a surrogate for us all. In our dreams.

Gretchen Bleiler, Olympic & X-Games snowboarderThose abs are like black diamond runs. Jesus. I’m going to need a moment.

Alicia Sacramone, Olympic gymnastGymnastics was my favorite sport growing up. Now the reasons are all coming together for me.

Julie Chu, Olympic hockey playerAll those pads were hiding this. I hate those pads.

Sylvia Fowles, WNBA playerThose are some lucky damn rocks.

Suzy Hotrod, co-captain of Team USA Roller DerbyI’d love to try roller derby, but I lack the requisite numbers of tattoos. Oh, and also I fear grievous bodily harm.

Stephanie Gilmore, four-time world surfing champSometimes staying dry is good too.

Belén Mozo, LPGA rookieShe appears to have lost her ball in the tough. And her clothes.

Kelly Kulick, professional bowlerI’m trying really hard to think of a good naughty 7-10 split joke.

Natasha Hastings, Olympic sprinterAnyone else feel like putting a bow-chicka-bow beat on the “Chariots of Fire” theme?

Vera Zvonareva, No. 3 ranked women’s tennis playerI’m calling this love-love.

Gretchen & HopeEverything is obliques and nothing hurts.

Your Monday is looking up, no? See, timing is everything.

Just gun it

I was traveling on Sunday when the glorious U.S. Women’s Open final went down. So I missed it. I missed the whole thing. I missed the forehands and backhands and volleys and serves. But mostly, I missed the arm porn. So much arm porn. The match between Australian Samantha Stosur and American Serena Williams featured the most impressive gun show outside or an NRA convention – and considerably more sexy. So, such an awesome display of muscley goodness deserves its own post. While I can’t turn back time to watch the match, I sure can make up for lost time. Welcome to the gun show, kittens. Pick your favorite weapon: Sam or Serena?

Forehands
Backhands
Serves
Overheads
Two-Handed
Agony/Ecstasy
Victory Celebration
Everyone’s A WinnerReally, with a display like this I think we all took home a trophy.

Dancing Solo

Confirmed: Hope Solo will be on the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Also confirmed: Many, many more lesbians are going to watch the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”



So the world’s most kick-ass goalie is going to be on the show with the shiny sequins and the crazy choreography. On the one hand, wow, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.” On the other hand, dammit, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.”



I do not watch, though I have caught a few performances over the years. What I’ve gleaned from those few minutes is that, um, isn’t Hope a little upscale for this show? Let’s be brutally honest, it’s usually people trying to revive their careers or people without real careers in the first place. I mean, Rob Kardashian and George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend are both on the show this season. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chaz Bono and Ricki Lake and Carson Kressley and mean them no disrespect as fellow castmates. But then there’s the little problem of Nancy Grace also being a contestant. I’m not sure I can in good conscience watch any show that features that woman. She makes me want to kill someone and get away with it, just to watch her head explode. (Just kidding, I do not want to kill anyone. But I do want kind of want to watch Nancy’s head explode.)



Then there’s the injury factor. Aren’t contestants getting hurt left and right every season on this show? Hope, girl, the 2012 London Olympics are less than a year away. We do not want to have our star goalie sidelined by a tragic cha-cha accident.



Man, I am being so gay about this news. I’ve processed like 100 emotions in four paragraphs. But in the end, I think I’m mostly happy Hope will get the exposure and hopefully it’ll shine more much-deserved light onto our amazing U.S. Women’s National Team. As Hope herself tweeted, it’s to raise awareness of women’s soccer. And that’s a good thing. Also a good thing, this means I have a perfectly valid excuse to post more pictures of Hope Solo.



My, what big hands you have.

Admittedly, these legs are going to look killer in heels.

Normally I hate midriff-baring dresses. This is not normally.

If I was one of Hope’s DWTS competitors, I would seriously consider forfeiting after seeing this picture.

Arm…

…porn…

…forever.

I take everything I said back. This is the best news ever. Also, DWTS costumers, please note that Hope should only ever appear in sleeveless gowns. That’s an order. It would be a sin to cover even a single centimeter of these guns. A sin against hotness.

We can be heroes

No matter how hard you prepare. No matter how hard you play. No matter how hard you want it. Sometimes, the win goes to the country that needs it more. And, God knows, Japan needed it. So, while I’m certainly heartbroken to see our Team USA lose in the Women’s World Cup final, I feel a certain joy too because Japan could use a win this year. But, really, in a game as hard-fought and nail-biting as USA v. Japan, we’re all winners. Because we all got to see some exciting, top-level soccer (yes, yes – football everyone else) and two teams who played their hearts out. That’s a win-win in my book. And that we got to watch three weeks of elite, dedicated, amazing athletes do what they do best. OK, fine, it’s also kind of like three weeks of uninterrupted muscle porn for lesbians. But, hey, can’t it be both? Plus, it’s always a wondrous thing when the world comes together to cheer on women’s sports – no matter the outcome. In fact, the final set a new tweets per second record – beating even the news that Bin Laden had been killed. Way to go, ladies. So one last round of hugging each other with their legs in sportsmanship. See you in 2015.

Team JapanCongratulations, Japan.

Hope SoloGreat game, USA.

Abby WambachAbby Wambach’s forehead for president.

Alex Morgan & Abby WambachDo we really need to wait four years for more of this?

Megan Rapinoe & Abby WambachSo many alternative lifestyle haircuts, so little time.

Team USAJust look at these magnificent human beings.

Abby WambachArm porn forever.

Homare Sawa, Aya Miyama & teammateThreesome, nice.

Team JapanThough why limit things to three?

Homare SawaBadass and adorable in the same tiny body.

Hope Solo & Aya MiyamaUm, doesn’t this totally look like Hope’s trying to pick up Aya after the game? Like, “Hey, girl, hey. Good job winning the World Cup. Can I come back to your place and, you know, touch it?” What? I’m looking for a silver lining, people.

Still sad about Team USA’s loss? Please let Abby Wambach’s abs console you in your time of grief.

Still inconsolable? OK, well I guess since this is a special lesbian emergency, we’ll have to break Hope Solo’s abs.

See, allllll better.