Yeah, suck it, I did win the Golden Globe

Dear BabsonLacrosse, dianefan and Cougar Letter,

You can suck it. You can totally, totally suck it. You're damn right, I'm taking it personally. No one insults my fake wife (yes, that's right, we've taken our fake relationship to the next level) and gets away with it.

And the fact that you're REAL LIVE INTERNET POSTERS, well, that just means you can suck it even harder. Part of me is just jealous because she took the time to read your posts. But the other part of me is just incensed that even after getting name dropped on national television by Tina fucking Fey, you're still haters.

On the flip side, that she would take the time to mention actual online commenters in her acceptance speech is the polar opposite of what it means to suck it. See, I knew there was a reason I fake proposed and she fake accepted.

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Also the polar opposite of sucking it: Kate Winslet, Sally Hawkins and Salma Hayek's bossoms

Not so Golden

So the Golden Globes: The Press Conference pretty much -- how can I put this delicately? -- sucked. Huge suckage. Major suckage. Epic suckage. I watched the Access Hollywood-ified version with -- shudder -- Billy Bush and Nancy O’Dell. Or, more accurately, I had the TV muted and just peeked up as each winner’s name flashed onscreen. With no stars or acceptance speeches, this was really the best and only way to watch and not feel the sudden urge to bang your head repeatedly against the nearest solid, heavy object. Like, say, a door. Or the wall. Or you’re your brand-new copy of season one of “30 Rock.” (Yes, Amanda, I will shamelessly shill this DVD until everyone on the planet finally clues in and decides to WATCH THIS SHOW. Not that I have strong feelings about it or anything…)

Right, sorry, tangent. The glam-less Globes were the biggest, blaring reminder to date that we need a swift (but fair) end to the writers strike. Like now. Like yesterday. As if the dwindling and disappearance of new episodes of all of our favorite shows wasn’t enough incentive, this joy-free anti-ceremony means we were deprived of the most entertaining (thanks largely to the free and free-flowing booze) award show of the year.

Top three things we were deprived of seeing because of the roll-call Globes:
3. Johnny Depp’s acceptance speech. He’d never won one before in seven tries. Also, he’s dreamy. What? I can have a mancrush.
2. Glenn Close’s acceptance speech. Wouldn’t it have been fantastic if she’d done it in character as Patty Hewes? Perhaps whipped out a dog collar and then said, “Good thing I won. Sorry about Fido, Edie Falco, I was just covering my bases.”
1. Tina Fey’s acceptance speech. Curse you, producers, curse you.

Other winners who made me happy: Cate Blanchett, Marion Cotillard and Julie Christie. See the full list here and dream about what they coulda/shoulda/woulda worn in your head. But David Duchovny over Alec Bladwin and zero love for “Juno,” what the fuck Hollywood Foreign Press?

Emmy afterthoughts

So, Tina Fey, congratulations on your big Emmy win! But now, big problem, how will you get it home? The answer: bubble wrap. I just love these shots of Tina totting her wrapped-up pointy prize home with her. I also love how she handles her own bag. And her Chucks. And her just about everything. Plus seeing her put her Emmy in the airport security bin? Absolutely priceless.I also realized I forgot to post shots of Emmy night’s big gay couples. Version Lesbian: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Version Gay: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. (Click to enlarge the cuteness.) Say it with me, Awwwwww!And, finally, one last WTF about the bizarre Fox censors. Sure, they are denying that bleeping Sally Field’s “goddamn wars” comment was politically motivated (sure, Rupert Murdoch, sure), but the latest about the Ray Romano “screwing my wife”-bleepage is that they cut it for fear of spoiling a plot point on the network’s new series “Back to You.” Yep, that sounds about right. But regardless the reasoning, the Fox censors were hopelessly inept, period. Instead of calmly bleeping out each (supposedly) offensive statement, they cut for several seconds to a truly puzzling, soundless aerial shot of the auditorium that left everyone watching at home thinking, “Damn, has someone fallen asleep at the controls?” Next year, perhaps another network, m’kay?

Ladies night

Every now and then, there is a God.

When bad suits happen to good people

Listen I know that I’m late to the party and the last one left at the bar when it comes to Ellen’s big Daytime Emmy Awards wins. But I just felt I needed to bend the Big E’s ear for a minute, because I know how much she values my opinion.Ellen, darling. I love that you have like 16 million Emmys at home. I love that you planted a big old wet one on Portia when you won, again. I love that you gave Rosie a shout out and said “The View” should have won the shiny, sharp weapon award this year. And I LOVE that you always wear suits.Sadly, I do not love this suit. And the shoes, they’re not helping. No one should feel like Col. Sanders’ gay brother on her big night. I don’t care how much you love fried chicken, that’s just wrong.

Host this

My plan was to do another live(-ish) blog, a la the Oscars post, about the MTV Movie Awards, but I was so stunned by Sarah Silverman’s spectacularly enormous brass cojones in her opening monologue that I was unable to type for about 15 minutes as I had to both pick up and reattach my jaw from where it fell onto the floor. Seriously. I mean, Paris was sitting RIGHT THERE. That, my friends, is the definition of ballsy.

So in lieu of the live blog, I’m going to give you the three moments that really mattered. The rest was pretty much a two-hour commercial for the Transformers movie and Orbit gum.

1. It only took Sarah 4 minutes to rip on “300,” “Spider-Man 3,” the MTV Movie Awards producers, Jack Nicholson, every actress Jack Nicholson has ever slept with, “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,“ Cisco Adler’s balls, the paparazzi, famous vaginas, Tobey Maguire, Lindsay Lohan, Alec Baldwin and Paris Hilton. The latter was…well, just watch. (Viacom hates YouTubers, so you'll have to watch it HERE now.)

(p.s. I know I shouldn't have, but I felt the teeniest, tiniest bit sorry for Paris as she squirmed in her seat, particularly because later that night she surrendered herself to authorities to begin her jail sentence. You know all that clapping and cheering is going to be ringing in her ears all 23 days. Ouch.*)

2. Sarah and Jessica Biel showed super-human restraint while teasing millions of horny men and lesbians with their up-close-and-personal moment. Hot girls don’t kiss; Will Ferrell and Sasha Baron Cohen do kiss. Has the world gone mad? (Again, blame Viacom...See it HERE instead.)3. Amy Winehouse. That’s all.

*Well, there goes the last vestiges of my pity for her, now that her 23-days turned into about 75-hours.

Sing out sisters

Ladies ruled the 49th annual Grammy Awards last night. A recap:

Revenge, Thy Name Is Grammy

The Dixie Chicks (I. Love. Them.) cleaned house going five for five and taking home the night’s biggest awards. Who is ashamed now?

It’s a Woman’s World

We all knew Christina Aguilera had pipes. Now we know she has got soul. She blew the roof off honoring James Brown with “It’s a Man’s, Man’s World.” On your knees girl, damn!

Got Fries With That Shake?

Oh Shakira, Shakira. You’re whirling dervish hips make everything seem right with the world. Thank you.

Warning: Objects May Appear More Orange Than They Actually Are

Alyson Hannigan, I will love you always for playing Willow, but might I suggest going just a smidge lighter on the Mystic Tan.

Warning: Objects May Appear More Gay Than They Actually Are

Pink is still married, right? Bummer.

Maybe It’s a Polka Album

Scarlett Johansson* is taking her (apparent) new boyfriend Justin Timberlake’s profession to heart and announced that she is working on her first album. ScarJo From the Block, anyone?

*Yes, that is indeed Scarlett. Unless, of course, this imposter fooled the Recording Academy, the Grammy announcer and Don Henley. In which case, damn, she is good.

Four reasons awards season makes me happy

Oh no, she di’nt... Yes, she did. She really, really did.

Simply the best

I can’t let yesterday’s Oscar nominations go without expressing my unrelenting joy at the Best Actress nominees*. Have you ever seen a more impressive, more lovely, more brilliant group of actresses in one category? I mean, come on, Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet. Yowza. Also bringing a smile to my face, all the scene-stealing ladies (and one mere lass) in the Best Supporting Actress category. Now if only they could have somehow slipped in a nod for Emily Blunt’s snarktastic turn for “The Devil Wears Prada,” I would be in nirvana. Wait, wait. Did I mention that Salma Hayek announced the nominees yesterday? And that Melissa Etheridge got nominated for Best Original Song and Ellen Degeneres is hosting the ceremony? Is this lesbian heaven? No, it’s Hollywood.

*NOTE: I’d like to clarify that I am happy for the actresses nominated, who are all ridiculously talented, not necessarily the films they represent. I’m talking specifically about Judi and Cate’s nominations for “Notes on a Scandal.” As I said back in November when I first saw the trailer, it looked like another tired tale of a sad lesbian crush turned tragic. Which it is.

The Midas Touch

My photographic commentary on the Golden Globes.

White is the New Gorgeous:
When Dresses Attack: When Hair Attacks: When Tina Fey Attacks: People Who Should Win Every Award on the Planet: Cutest. Winner. Ever.

Golden Girls

Hey folks, check back this afternoon for a complete post on the Golden Globes. I’m wiped out from the night’s festivities and at a loss for witty things to say. I know, how is that possible. For now, enjoy the lovely ladies of “Ugly Betty” sharing the love.

The People have spoken

My photographic commentary on the People’s Choice Awards.

Things that are cool:

Things that are pretty: Things that are wrong: