Forget Paris

Oh. Oh, God. Oh, God, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Paris Hilton has just confirmed that she will guest star on “The L Word.” Wait, excuse me for a minute, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanity! Oh, how could you, Ilene?

I knew it was a bad sign when I saw Paris hanging with the lovely ladies of The L. And all those “rumors” about her going to lesbian bars and making out with Elisha Cuthbert? Dear God, she was method acting. Make it stop! Make it stop!

Look, clearly the entire cast hates the idea. As you can see by these new promo shots, their reaction to the horrific news perfectly illustrates the five stages of grief:
Me, personally? I’m still somewhere between the denial and anger stages. And I have a feeling once I hit depression, it could take a while. Come on, Ilene. Seriously, how could you?

You take the good, you take the bad

You remember the “Facts of Life” theme song? Well, it kept going through my head as I looked at the pictures from “The L Word” premiere party Sunday in West Hollywood. Though, perhap I should have been humming the theme to “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.” A recap of my thoughts, minus expletives:

Dear……God……this……is……so……wrong.

Though……conversely……this……is……so……right.
p.s. Hey, E! Planet Gossip guy, when did Kate Moennig become openly gay? Anyone? Did I miss a memo? See, this is what happens when I go on vacation.

Forget Paris

As much as I think it’s ridiculous that Paris Hilton was sprung from jail after serving only three days (oh, sorry, five days by LA County’s wonky math) of a 23-day sentence, I’m almost more incensed by cable news’ salivatory coverage of her release than her actual release. The OUTRAGE! The ANGER!! The MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE!!! Never mind the completely bogus war we’re fighting overseas where thousands of young men and women have died for a lie. Never mind the continual and soon-to-be irreversible damage we’re doing to our planet as we choke the atmosphere with greenhouse gases while covering our eyes to our culpability. Never mind the racism, sexism, homophobia and other fun –isms and –obias that still bring untold pain and suffering to people whose only crime is living their lives as who they are. No, apparently what we should really be mad about is Paris fucking Hilton. Sigh. This world makes me weary sometimes.

UPDATE: Now Paris is back in jail and the TV news is peeing itself with glee. One talking head even squealed, “This is a great day for America!” Why, because some inexplicably famous heiress whose trial and subsequent sentencing have become a media clusterfuck of Wagnerian proportions is now headed back to jail the day after an inept system let her out? This is not a great day for America. This is an embarrassing day for America. Period.

Host this

My plan was to do another live(-ish) blog, a la the Oscars post, about the MTV Movie Awards, but I was so stunned by Sarah Silverman’s spectacularly enormous brass cojones in her opening monologue that I was unable to type for about 15 minutes as I had to both pick up and reattach my jaw from where it fell onto the floor. Seriously. I mean, Paris was sitting RIGHT THERE. That, my friends, is the definition of ballsy.

So in lieu of the live blog, I’m going to give you the three moments that really mattered. The rest was pretty much a two-hour commercial for the Transformers movie and Orbit gum.

1. It only took Sarah 4 minutes to rip on “300,” “Spider-Man 3,” the MTV Movie Awards producers, Jack Nicholson, every actress Jack Nicholson has ever slept with, “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,“ Cisco Adler’s balls, the paparazzi, famous vaginas, Tobey Maguire, Lindsay Lohan, Alec Baldwin and Paris Hilton. The latter was…well, just watch. (Viacom hates YouTubers, so you'll have to watch it HERE now.)

(p.s. I know I shouldn't have, but I felt the teeniest, tiniest bit sorry for Paris as she squirmed in her seat, particularly because later that night she surrendered herself to authorities to begin her jail sentence. You know all that clapping and cheering is going to be ringing in her ears all 23 days. Ouch.*)

2. Sarah and Jessica Biel showed super-human restraint while teasing millions of horny men and lesbians with their up-close-and-personal moment. Hot girls don’t kiss; Will Ferrell and Sasha Baron Cohen do kiss. Has the world gone mad? (Again, blame Viacom...See it HERE instead.)3. Amy Winehouse. That’s all.

*Well, there goes the last vestiges of my pity for her, now that her 23-days turned into about 75-hours.

Paris storms the Bastille

The sweet smell of schadenfreude wafts through the blogosphere today as hotel heiress/party girl/terrible actress/even worse singer Paris Hilton was arrested on DUI charges last night in Hollywood. The proud coiner of the phrase "That's hot" was pulled over by the LAPD for erratic driving, given a field sobriety test (she apparently blew a .08, the legal limit for DUI in California), handcuffed and taken to the police station. Later, she was released on her own recognizance and allowed to go home. Besides the delicious sight of Ms. Hilton in handcuffs, the funniest thing about this whole report is that Paris says she left the party she was attending (where she also says she drank only one margarita) to get an In-N-Out Burger. This mean that, besides being a drunk driver, Paris is also a bad product spokeswoman. Last year, she filmed a commercial for rival burger chain Carl's Jr. Yeah, that's not hot.