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My plan was to do another live(-ish) blog, a la the Oscars post, about the MTV Movie Awards, but I was so stunned by Sarah Silverman’s spectacularly enormous brass cojones in her opening monologue that I was unable to type for about 15 minutes as I had to both pick up and reattach my jaw from where it fell onto the floor. Seriously. I mean, Paris was sitting RIGHT THERE. That, my friends, is the definition of ballsy.

So in lieu of the live blog, I’m going to give you the three moments that really mattered. The rest was pretty much a two-hour commercial for the Transformers movie and Orbit gum.

1. It only took Sarah 4 minutes to rip on “300,” “Spider-Man 3,” the MTV Movie Awards producers, Jack Nicholson, every actress Jack Nicholson has ever slept with, “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,“ Cisco Adler’s balls, the paparazzi, famous vaginas, Tobey Maguire, Lindsay Lohan, Alec Baldwin and Paris Hilton. The latter was…well, just watch. (Viacom hates YouTubers, so you'll have to watch it HERE now.)

(p.s. I know I shouldn't have, but I felt the teeniest, tiniest bit sorry for Paris as she squirmed in her seat, particularly because later that night she surrendered herself to authorities to begin her jail sentence. You know all that clapping and cheering is going to be ringing in her ears all 23 days. Ouch.*)

2. Sarah and Jessica Biel showed super-human restraint while teasing millions of horny men and lesbians with their up-close-and-personal moment. Hot girls don’t kiss; Will Ferrell and Sasha Baron Cohen do kiss. Has the world gone mad? (Again, blame Viacom...See it HERE instead.)3. Amy Winehouse. That’s all.

*Well, there goes the last vestiges of my pity for her, now that her 23-days turned into about 75-hours.