Toothpick chic

For the most part, I think Keira Knightley is a rather pretty and pretty talented young woman. And while she genuinely seems like one of those naturally skinny types, this is totally freaking me out. (Click above to enlarge the not-so large.) Seriously, her head is the thickest part of her body. That’s just not right. Not right at all.

Such a pill

OK, so remember how I was just saying I wasn’t worried about Emma Watson ? Uhm, I take it back. Here she is at the “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” premiere in Hollywood. At first glance she looks adorable, right? Simple, age-appropriate, stylish and…wait…what the hell? This is what those Fug Girls would call “The Scroll Down.” It looks like Emma has gone and pasted the entire contents of her medicine cabinet on the waist of her dress. For the love of Hogwarts, why? Is this some sort of sly social commentary on our pill-popping culture and its hedonistic excesses? Or, instead, is this a not-so-subtle warning that the goody-goody actress isn’t nearly as sweet and innocent as she seems. Either way, you just known Lindsay Lohan is kicking herself and saying, “Damn, glue your stash to your dress! Why didn’t I think of that?”

Kelly lets her eagle soar

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Listen, hon, you know I love you. Anytime “Miss Independent” or “Since U Been Gone” comes on in the car, I sing along at top volume until the people I pull up next to at stop lights start looking at me funny. I love your openness and assertiveness. I love that you seem like a real person. And I really love that you believe a Diet Red Bull and pack of cigarettes does not constitute dinner. But these pants, dear God, these pants. Seriously, what is up with all the unfortunate bottom half choices of late? Why are these pants so wrong, you ask? Let us count the ways. First, there is an eagle on your crotch. If that doesn’t scream out for some kind of “let the eagle soar” pun, then nothing does. Secondly, they seem to badly fit to your body type. This means they emphasize all the wrong areas and sag off of the right ones. And thirdly, they look like they’re pinching the heck out of you in some very private places. I mean, just look at the way they’re making you jump around.

When bad suits happen to good people

Listen I know that I’m late to the party and the last one left at the bar when it comes to Ellen’s big Daytime Emmy Awards wins. But I just felt I needed to bend the Big E’s ear for a minute, because I know how much she values my opinion.Ellen, darling. I love that you have like 16 million Emmys at home. I love that you planted a big old wet one on Portia when you won, again. I love that you gave Rosie a shout out and said “The View” should have won the shiny, sharp weapon award this year. And I LOVE that you always wear suits.Sadly, I do not love this suit. And the shoes, they’re not helping. No one should feel like Col. Sanders’ gay brother on her big night. I don’t care how much you love fried chicken, that’s just wrong.

Shining through

The True Colors Tour started this weekend and since Cyndi and I are likethis I thought I’d share a little glimpse of the tour so far. Talk about your fabulous gay fiesta. Cyndi and Rosie and Indigo Girls and Dresden Dolls, oh my! Though, Rosie. Ro. Honey. Darling. Your feet. What is on your feet? A black pantsuit with yellow Crocs? I know they’re comfortable, but seriously. When you walked out all the gay boys in the crowd must have done a collective, “Ooh, girl, no she di’nt!”

Worst. Pants. Ever.

Here are three words I thought I would never in my life string together: assless jean chaps. Taken individually, they all could have potential for fun and sexiness. Assless? Well, who can argue with that? Jeans? Great, I happen to be wearing a comfy pair right this very minute. And chaps? Woo hoo, ride ‘em little cowgirl. But taken together they are perhaps the most horrendously ridiculous and stratospherically unsexy thing I have ever seen. I can only imagine what Brooke Hogan was thinking as she pulled those puppies on, being careful not to catch her foot on one of the flaccid, dangling legs and rip it off thereby turning the outfit into a lopsided blue jean garter belt. Which, now that I think about it, would have been infinitely more attractive than actually wearing these insane assless jean chaps.

UPDATE: Since you asked so nicely, here they are from the front. Clearly, they’re idiotic from any angle. No, just no.

Hey mom, can I borrow your pants?

What the hell? Seriously, neither of these two own full-length mirrors? Please, let this not mean that super high-waisted pants are really, truly back. Now, as overjoyed as I am that the era of the visible coin slot may finally be over, this is in no way an improvement. We shouldn’t go from pants that show off your ass cleavage to pants that come up to your actual cleavage. Is there no happy medium, people? Can we not agree that ultra low-rise and ultra mom-rise cuts are both terribly unflattering and just plain wrong? You shouldn’t be able to tuck your breasts into your pants. Ever. We must be vigilant and nip this latest trend in the bud before the warm weather arrives, otherwise we’re destined to a summer of starlets wearing high-waisted formal shorts and… Sweet merciful Jesus, no! We’re too late! Run, save yourselves!

Posh & Becky

The lesbian haircut is spreading. Though David Beckham is awfully pretty; I say we let him play for our team just this once.

Fashion eats its own

Donatella Versace confirmed yesterday that her 20-year-old daughter Allegra is seeking treatment for anorexia. Now, I want to be clear here, I’m not calling Donatella a bad mother. I have no idea what kind of mother she is, period. And I’m in no way making light of the very serious disease of anorexia. But, really, could this be any more ironic? A fashion designer who pushes a beauty myth on women that says you can never be too rich or too thin is now facing the consequences of that deadly message in her own home. Will this make the arbiters of our aesthetic take a long, hard look in the mirror? Will they finally see what the rest of us can already see so clearly? That you can, indeed, be to too rich and too thin. And that they might even kill you.

On an unrelated note, doesn’t the face Donatella is making look like a parody of Maya Rudolph doing a parody of her on SNL. Life imitating art imitating life. Serpent. Tail. This shit never ends.

Eye Candy

Yes, the fashion world is rife with unrealistic and unhealthy and unattainable images of the female form. Yes, it’s superficial and elitist and inconsequential. Yes, it’s undoubtedly contributing to the hole in the ozone layer and the deforestation of the Amazon and the clubbing of small, defenseless kittens. I know all of these things; I am against all of these things. Yet still, while looking through pictures from NY’s Fashion Week, I had to stop for a minute. Because every once in a while, the sheer aesthetics took over and I remembered, “Oh right, models are pretty.” Well, some of them, at least. Hey, you’ve just got to give beauty its due.

I see London, I see France

We all know about the rash of underwear shunning stars. And as bad as the overexposed lady parts are, do celebrities really have to swing to the opposite spectrum to show that they, indeed, are wearing their unmentionables? Plus, what’s up with the granny panties? Could it have been both Sienna Miller and Oksana Baiul laundry day? Ladies, they’re called underpants, not outerpants.

We’re off to see the Wizard

Finally, a fashion show I can get behind. Well, besides all those shows with ladies in really nice suits. Heatherette unveiled its funky, fun show earlier this week and what did I spy with my little eye? Oz, people, Oz! As in “The Wizard of” and Dorothy. And Toto and Scarecrow and Tin Man.

Under the pink

Rachel McAdams has always struck me as one of those All-American Girls. You know the type: blond and cute as a button. She can also dial up the bitch factor as we saw in her turn as head Heather in “Mean Girls” [Note: If you didn’t get the “Heathers” reference because you’re too young, please spare me this knowledge. Now I must go rub Bengay on my aching knees, and possibly my brain…] But who knew that Rachel could be so pretty in pink? As far as I can tell, the pink streaks showed up in mid-December when she attended the Seeds of Tolerance awards with boyfriend (and newly-minted Oscar nominee) Ryan Gosling. I checked to see if the punk-rock look was for a part, but apparently not. She is currently shooting the 40s period piece “Marriage,” and somehow that doesn’t scream Manic Panic. What do you think? Pink is the New Blog, so why not Pink is the New Rachel?

Baby, it’s cold outside

That annual ritual of independent film and free skiing known as the Sundance Film Festival is underway. And besides discovering new talent and uncovering hidden gems, the 11-day film fest is the best place to see what all the fashionable snow bunnies are wearing this season. Already, I spot some trends.

1) Warm is in. So, pile on the sheep-skin linings, Boris Yeltsin hats and supersized cap-scarf combos.
2) Brunettes love a jaunty chapeau. And, apparently, black coats.2) Blondes hate a jaunty chapeau. But really ladies, is showing off your pretty golden locks worth the impending head cold?

When good hair goes lesbian

Well, as we’ve discussed before, lesbian hair can be its own worst enemy. Now, it seems we’ve infected straight women. Why else would they do this to their heads? America’s Next Top Model Cycle 4 winner Naima seems to think wee floating sideburns are the hotness. And Selma Blair looks like Edward Scissorhands fell on her after a bender. Perhaps this is their silent protest to Rosie being banned from dyking up her hair while on “The View.” Or, maybe, they’re trying to tell us something else. Something like, “I’m not gay, but my hair is.”

Caption me this

What the ladies of "The L Word" are really thinking this season...
And, what Jennifer Beals thinks every time she walks on the set...

Mother Mary, how seasonal...

Well, as you probably already know, Mary Cheney and her longtime partner Heather Poe are expecting a child. The vice president’s lesbian daughter has always been the most prickly and frustrating of dichotomies to me. So let’s get right to the key issue here. Ladies, the hair. The hair. Is this really the kind of hair we want bringing a child into the world? Is this the kind of hair that represents happy, healthy gay parenting? Is this the kind of hair that says, “Screw you conservative wingnuts!” and “Thanks, but no thanks liberal activists,” we’re doing this our way? I think not. This is the kind of hair that barks orders to sweaty yet nubile basketball players from the sidelines at Virginia Tech.

Just a little off the top, please

Doesn’t anyone go to the stylist the day of a big event and say, “Make my hair to look pretty!”? I mean, do they really go and say, “I’m going to the Billboard Awards, make my hair look like a cinnamon roll or a hobbit or a deranged Pentecostal housewife!”?

Eva Green: Bride of Frankenstein, err, Bond...

Eva Green is stunning. Seductive, smart and those eyes, those eyes! Which is why it baffles me that the French actress and newest Bond girl would show up at the premieres of the "Casino Royale" looking like something Igor dragged in. The high necks. The frazzled hair. The Wonder Woman pose. What is this, Bride of Frankenstein chic? I'm all for blazing your own trail, but it shouldn't blaze through Transylvania. I mean, see at what happens when someone else dresses her?

Sexy. Sleek. Not plugged into an electrical socket. Mon dieu.

First Annual Androgyny Off

Welcome to the First Annual Androgyny Off. We've got girlish boys versus boyish girls and boys often mistaken for girls versus girls often mistaken for boys and boys who want to be girls versus girls who want to be boys and...you get the picture. Facing off in our main event are two well-matched opponents, both with emo haircuts and piercing stares. In one corner, wearing a girl’s cap-sleeve tee and a look of excruciating sensitivity, is singer-songwriter Bright Eyes (née Conor Oberst). In the other corner, wearing a man’s wife-beater and look of seething butchess, is L Word actress Daniela Sea (née Moira/Max). Who will take it? Whose androgyny reigns supreme?