Nip/Tuck gets lez jobs

Rosie O’Donnell and Portia de Rossi will both have recurring roles the fifth season of the FX drama Nip/Tuck. Geez, perhaps they should rename the show Lez/Tuck. Portia makes her return to prime time as -- wait for it, wait for it -- a lesbian! Wow, the casting director really broke the mold on that one. Actually, she will play a “manipulative lesbian mother whose teen daughter wants to have plastic surgery.” A manipulative lesbian mother? Is that the latest in “crazy mother” chic? Does this mean that stage moms and cheerleader moms are now officially over?

As for Rosie’s role, she will reprise her turn as lottery winner Dawn Budge (who memorably got it on with Christian…and by “memorably” I mean “forever painfully seared onto my retinas”). Word is she won’t say a word when she returns:

“Rosie will come to Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy for a procedure where she will end up having to have her mouth sewn shut! She's forced to communicates with them through a dry erase board.”

Wait, did Bill O’Reilly write this script? In other (more verbal) Rosie news, the comic won’t be telling folks to “Come on down!” anytime soon. After saying she wanted to hold Bob Barker’s mic, Rosie decided the price of uprooting her family to L.A. was wrong and nixed her campaign to host “The Price is Right.” Oh, and despite what the NYT says, View ratings are down since Ro left. Some 400,000 viewers down. File that one under “Duh.”

All gay, all the time

In honor of Pride Weekend (holla, San Francisco!), I’m making today’s post a veritable Festival of Gayness. No tidbit is too trivial, no morsel too minuscule, as long as it’s as queer as the day is long. And that’s pretty gay considering yesterday was the longest day of the year. Now, let’s get this homo train rolling.

Go Team Gay!

Twenty-year-old actress Lyndsy Fonseca (previously seen on “How I Met Your Mother,” “Big Love” and “The Young & The Restless”) will join the super-powered spectacular “Heroes” next season as April the gay cheerleader. The pom-pom princess will be the “sweet” girl to other new cheerleader Debbie’s “mean” girl. Both are expected to be classmates of invincible cheerleader Claire at her new school in Southern California . Is it just me or does Lyndsy need to buy a vowel?

Jenny Gets An Assistant

Dammit, this means she doesn’t stay lost at sea. In the first L Word casting news of the new season, Malaya Rivera Drew has been picked to play Jenny Schecter’s assistant. Malaya has had roles on “ER” and “Las Vegas.” This move is sure to mean more Crazy Jenny screentime. I can see it now: “Assistant, fetch me my medium triple soy cappuccino with three pumps of vanilla.” “Assistant, clean up Sounder’s boo-boo.” “Assistant, bring me the head of the Vagina Wig…and a Vitamin Water.”

The Lesbian Has Left the Kitchen

Wow, that was quick. Gay Top Chef contestant Sandee Birdsong got booted this week for poaching her lobster. Sadly, that’s not a euphemism for something naughty. In honor of the departed Sandee, a look at her great moments in fauxhawk above.

But Another Lesbian Is Still Standing

“Last Comic Standing” contestant Sabrina Matthews made it to the next round in the premiere episode of the NBC reality series. I love that she is a big, cuddly dyke with the wee, girly name Sabrina. Fantastic. Plus, she is damn funny. Even more fantastic. See, lesbians do have a sense of humor. Hey, stop laughing.

Ro Replaced By a Mo?

Will Rosie’s replacement be a gay man? Yeah, that’s what they need on that show -- more bitchy energy (love ya, boys, kisses!). Two fancy fellas in particular are being mentioned as possible co-hosts on the coffee klatch: Mario Cantone and Ross Mathews. Mario was Charlotte ’s best gay on “Sex and the City” and Ross is Ross the Intern from “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.” Hmm, I’m not necessarily opposed to a gay guy filling Rosie’s chair, but I thought the whole point of “The View” was to show the diversity of women’s perspectives by discussing the important and not-so important news of the day. I mean, I thought that was what it was about. I don’t really know; I stopped watching after Rosie left.

The FCC Hates Pride

Seems men in feather boas and women in assless chaps are just too much for the good old FCC. San Francisco independent station KRON has moved its live broadcast of the Pride Parade from basic cable channel to digital cable (plus a live internet stream). The change was made because the station’s broadcast license was up for renewal. Oh, FCC. You allowed “ Walker , Texas Ranger” to air happily for 10 fucking seasons but the poor gays can’t get their party on once a year? Puh-lease. Plus, this broadcast is pretty much the only way I ever get to see the Dykes on Bikes roar their traditional start to the parade come Sunday morning, since we’re all still too drunk, hungover, sleepy damn lazy to actually get up and go to Market Street and cheer at such an ungodly hour. Hey, 10:30 a.m. is ungodly the night after Pride. Trust me.

Taking this weekend’s festivities into account, I might be tardy with my posting on Monday. The old body doesn’t bounce back quite as quickly as it used to. Now, go, get your gay on. Just remember to stretch first.

Barbara wants her sex talk

Yes, in case you were wondering, it is Lesbian Talk Show Host Day here at Surrenders. Mark your calendars for next year. Anyway, TV’s other (former) LTSH Rosie O’Donnell and her (former) Viewmates are back in the headlines and now the feud is being framed as “Heteros vs. Homos.” Were that I was kidding.

Last week, Barbara Walters told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that Rosie’s departure meant the ladies could now turn “The View” into the Cinemax After Dark show they always hoped for:

“The Hot Topics have been fun. There are some things that we were able to discuss that we weren’t able to discuss with Rosie, like heterosexual sex. Because, you know, Rosie’s lifestyle is different, being an open lesbian...We are perhaps not quite as political [or] vocal about [things], but the Hot Topics have been very fun, and the ratings are up, so we're quite happy. Obviously, the audience is very loyal.”

So. Many. Issues. First, calling it a “lifestyle,” Barbara, really? Second, the ratings are up, really? Last, but not least, trust me when I say that no one straight or gay wants to hear you talk about the joys of penis-vagina sex. Really.

Rosie responded on her blog with a, “She is almost 80.” Snerk. Then on Friday she posted a lovely video montage of the good times on “The View” with plenty of smiling shots of Elisabeth Hasselbeck. On Sunday night she played a True Colors Tour show and joked with the crowd on a number of topics and then said:

“I got to tell you, I’ve been hanging around with those heteros for a full year and it’s not fun. Turn around one minute and they'll stab you in the back with a high heel. They will.”

Well, so much for the afterglow. Actually, since we’re not given any real context to Rosie’s quote, I tend to think she was kidding. Considering the event (a gay rights concert), the crowd (gays and supporters) and the month (hello, Gay Pride!), this just seems like one of those things we’ve all said when around family and joking about those crazy breeders. They so crazy. For evidence, please see Barbara Walters above.

Shining through

The True Colors Tour started this weekend and since Cyndi and I are likethis I thought I’d share a little glimpse of the tour so far. Talk about your fabulous gay fiesta. Cyndi and Rosie and Indigo Girls and Dresden Dolls, oh my! Though, Rosie. Ro. Honey. Darling. Your feet. What is on your feet? A black pantsuit with yellow Crocs? I know they’re comfortable, but seriously. When you walked out all the gay boys in the crowd must have done a collective, “Ooh, girl, no she di’nt!”

On a clear day you can see for miles

Lordy. I’m sure you are all well aware of Rosie’s very public deViewing this weekend. And for those of you who still haven’t heard yet, is there enough room for me too under that big rock you apparently call home? A quick recap for the cave dwellers. Wednesday: An epic blowout between Rosie and Elisabeth is captured finger-wag by finger-wag through the magic of spilt screen and ratings-mad producers. Thursday: Rosie takes the day off to celebrate her partner Kelli’s birthday as media outlet across the country pee themselves with delight replaying the fight ad nauseum. Friday: ABC announces that Rosie has asked to be released from the final three weeks of her contract and is now no longer enjoying any View. Monday: A pre-taped episode airs where the gals celebrate Elisabeth’s birthday, complete with Rosie warmly offering her a week’s vacation at her Miami house. And so ends the Rosie era on “The View” -- with a bang, then a whimper and finally the definition of irony.

This whole crazy affair has made one point abundantly clear: Politics is personal. We as a nation have lost the ability to rationally, emotionlessly, sanely discuss our political views without things becoming uncomfortably personal. There is no discourse, only discord. We are so polarized that instead of building bridges, we fill the gaping chasm between our ideologies with sound and fury. And, well, we all know what that signifies. I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, if our president refuses to listen to opposing viewpoints, how can one we expect more from an electorate which put him in office twice? (Well, once, but that’s an old drum and I’ve grown tired of beating it.)

Despite my past grumbles, I will miss Rosie. We need more outspoken women with strong opinions on television. And say what you will about her conspiracy theories and celebrity smackdowns, but she has been a consistent and passionate voice for her beliefs. And unlike the calculated talking heads and role-playing pundits, I believe Rosie spoke from the heart. We can’t really ask for more from our public figures than that. Plus, love her or hate her, she made that show infinitely more interesting to watch. Well, we’ll always have the blog. I mean, really, celebrities don’t get much more unvarnished than this.

Rosie vs. Ellen: Sign away the gay?

As you probably already know, late last week the Lesbian Titans of Television (TM pending), Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres, had a testy tête-à-tête via blog/publicist (since, really, who actually speaks face-to-face anymore?). A chronological recap for those who have better things to do with their time than troll the internet for pseudo-feuds between power lesbians. On Thursday in a video post on her blog, Rosie said that Ellen was contractually obligated to not speak about being gay. As she does in these vlog sessions, Rosie and Co. answered reader emails and the question in question went: “Why do you talk about being gay all the time? And the subject of gays all the time. Ellen never mentions it.” To which, Rosie responded:

“Ellen is not allowed to. She signed a contract that said she wouldn’t. [To which her blogging cohort respond with stunned: “She really? She did?”] It was on the heels of my show -- so that’s why she doesn’t. But you know what, she also paved the way for a lot of gay people, especially on TV. There were no gay shows on TV. She was pre-“Will & Grace,” remember that. So, you know, I talk about gay because I like to. And she doesn’t talk about it because she doesn’t want to or she can’t. But who cares? It’s fine. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.”

Well, wow. That was quite a bombshell. The next day TMZ contacted publicists for the producers of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” asking if Ellen was indeed being muzzled. The response:

“She’s gay? Who knew? Ellen is free to talk about whatever she wants and we encourage her to do so.”

Then on Friday, Rosie posted an apology on her blog in her normal not-quite haiku, not-quite e.e. cummings style that “according to jim,” and a couple other people we don’t know in the least, “no contract - ever did or would prevent ellen from saying anything in any way shape or form.”

a correction
4 all
my apologies

Well, wow. True or false, Rosie’s claims are deeply disturbing. If it’s true that Ellen really can’t talk about her sexuality on the air, then it is a sad day for free speech and gay awareness. But if it’s true that Rosie was wrong when she aired her contractual conspiracy theory, it proves that the former Queen of Nice should probably be called the Queen of Speaking Out of Her Ass instead.

Where does the truth lie? I tend to believe that Ellen wouldn’t flat-out sign a contract saying no lesbian business on the show. She fought too hard and endured too much to go back into that kind of Hollywood closet. Did producers/executives maybe ask her to, possibly, tone down the gay? Perhaps. But, then again, Ellen’s act her never been overtly sexual, even after coming out. Plus Rosie has a history of playing fuzzy with the facts. And while I appreciate her openness and outspokenness, I do not appreciate her openness to being outspoken when it comes to outrageous, unsupported claims.

Anyway, so now I’m going to go off on a somewhat-related, entirely-more-enjoyable tangent and say, check out the guns on Ellen! On Friday she taped an outdoor segment with Kelly Clarkson (airing today) where The Great Panted One became The Great Bermuda-Shorted One. Plus, her short-sleeve shirt gave us an inadvertent (and rare) peek at her muscley goodness. [Click below to get your own tickets to the gun show.] I opened the picture and went all Joey Lawrence, “Whoa!”

Not so Rosie

The latest it-has-to-be-true-since-it’s-on-the-internet rumor making the rounds is that Rosie O’Donnell will announce later today that she is leaving “The View” at the end of the season. According to TMZ, “sources inside the show” say the word on Rosie’s departure has been spreading throughout Hollywood. No word, however, on why Rosie is exiting the morning chat fest. But if I were one of those people prone to random speculation (which, clearly, I’m not) I would say that the non-stop scrutiny of every single statement finally got to both Rosie and Barbara Walters.

Now, I’m no huge Rosie fan, but it is nice having an open, out and opinionated woman on national television every day. I also like her willingness to go out on a limb and say whatever the hell pops into her head. Of course, problems arise when she doesn’t think things through before she opens her mouth. And they are magnified when she doesn’t grasp the ramifications of those words. Still, overall, I have come to appreciate her presence on the show. She is loud and vocal and there is nothing wrong with that. Plenty of men on TV are loud and vocal and no one calls them nasty names or demands they shut up. What I have disliked most about the media coverage of Rosie is the misogynistic double standard that the exists in each gleeful proclamation of the latest “celebrity feud” or each over-hyped discussion of the newest “controversial comment.” But possibly the worst thing about this news (if it is indeed true) is that you just know it’s going to make Donald Trump’s day. Oy, that schmuck.

UPDATE: Yep, it’s true. Rosie is leaving the building in June when the season is over. Watch it unfold through the powers of the great oracle of our time, the internets. She and Barbara cite that old standby “failed contract negotiations” as the reason. Oh, Rosie. What will Fox News get all hot and bothered about once you’re gone?

Google me this

For whatever reason I had a flood of visitors yesterday who found Surrenders by Googling “tammy lynn blog.” These sightseers were searching for Hollywood Farm Girl, the not-so-anonymous blog by Tammy Lynn Michaels (née Mrs. Melissa Etheridge), which I wrote about back in October. This piqued my own interest so I took another look. What I found was a pretty fascinating post on embattled stars Isaiah Washington and Rosie O’Donnell (who aren’t mentioned by name, but come on). Apparently, they’re both friends of Melissa and Tammy’s.

On Isaiah:
i forgive his words,
because truth be told
i do not believe
the word
faggot
lives in his heart

On Rosie:
she is far braver than i
perhaps she has less fear than i
but either way
i do not recognize the fictional character
the media has been developing

Tammy also ruminates, as she frequently does, on the nature of fame. So, thanks random readers for inadvertently tipping me off. That was worth a look. I’m still not sold on the inexplicable trend of famous lesbians blogging in verse, but since I’m feeling uncharacteristically nice today I’ll let that one slide.

My Queer Year's Resolutions

Sure, sure. We all make and promptly break New Year's resolutions. Eat less. Exercise more. Stick to a budget. Make a budget. Volunteer for a worthy cause. Finally finish "War & Peace." Etc. Etc. Etc.

But instead of focusing my own flaws (of which, clearly, there are none) this New Year's, I resolve to dissect other people's problems. So, without further ado, I give you my five resolutions in hopes of making 2007 as gay a year as possible.

1. For Rosie O'Donnell: Stop and think - really, really think - before you speak. Stop entering needless feuds with other celebrities. Stop offending entire ethnicities with your ignorance. Stop crying homophobia over insignificant incidents. And, for God's sake, stop writing your blog in haiku.
2. For the writers of "The L Word": Rediscover your sense of humor. It's that thing located above your sense of impending doom and penchant for killing off beloved characters. That thing that is generally followed by the sound of laughter and people enjoying themselves. That thing that makes us feel happy instead of like slitting our wrists after we watch each week.
3. For Sarah Paulson: Win that Golden Globe and plant a big, wet, sloppy kiss on Cherry Jones on your way to the podium.
4. For Jodie Foster/Queen Latifah/Michelle Rodriguez/et al: Come out. Make it official. Bring a friend. Your toaster ovens are waiting.
5. For Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz: Consider lesbianism. Preferably with each other. Preferably with pictures. That's all.

Happy New Year, all.

While the cat's away

So, did you find everything your little heart desired under the Christmas tree this year? What, still no Halle Berry? Well, better luck next year. Ms. Snarker had a nice low-key holiday and is now whiling away the last few days of 2006 in the land of milk and plenty of corn. Unfortunately, it’s also the land of glacial dial-up connection. That said, here are a few items of note that I had the patience to sit and wait and wait and wait to load while I’ve been away:

• The Donald and The Rosie had some sort of dust-up. Yeah, if I wanted to watch loud-mouthed, overly-opinionated idiots with bad hair argue during the holidays, I’d visit my born-again relatives on Long Island.
• Sarah Michelle Gellar has signed on for the new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” movie. That sound you hear is a million Buffy fans simultaneously screaming, “You left TV for this shit!?”
• That long-discussed “Sex and the City” movie might be back on. Admit it, you miss the hell out of those girls. Round of cosmos on me, barkeep.
• And finally, if by some cruel twist of fate or serious misjudgment of character, you haven’t watched “Ugly Bettty,” this is your chance to make amends before the new year. ABC Family will play an 11-hour marathon of the season so far starting at 9 a.m. Sunday. Don your ponchos, people, you’re in for a treat.

Sorry of sorts

Rosie apologized yesterday on “The View” for her “ching chong” heard round the world. She said she was sorry, that she never meant to hurt anyone. I still sense that she doesn’t see what was offensive about her lame fake Chinese. Joy Behar defended her “joke” and pointed out “two Asian girls” in the audience who thought it was funny. Plants. Whatever. She apologized. I say, move on. And, with any luck, someone somewhere will stop before making random ching chong/kung fu/so solly noises at the next Asian person they see. But I won’t hold my breath.

I'm sorry, I don't speak Ching Chong

Well, well. After calling out Kelly Ripa for being homophobic, Rosie O’Donnell is now being called racist for making “ching chong” noises while describing a Chinese newscast recently on “The View.” Now, as an Asian-American woman, I’ve heard those very same “ching chong” noises all my life. I say this not for sympathy (I only use sympathy to get votes), but as context. These days, whenever I get a random “ching” or “chong” I don't feel hurt, I just think, “What an idiot.” After the former Queen of Nice's remarks, the Asian American Journalists Association issued a statement asking for an apology. And, I have to say, I agree. While meant in jest, her remarks fall into that lazy spectrum of stereotyping that is nonetheless unacceptable. Do I think Rosie was intentionally racist? No. Do I think she made racially insensitive remarks? Yes. And therein lies the rub. Intent does not define racism (or any –ism or –obia for that matter). It merely amplifies its impact. Hypocrisy cuts both ways – to the right and left. Let’s say we’re sorry and move on, shall we? Oh, and Ro, let's be a little more creative with our jokes in the future. ‘Kay?

Rosie rips Ripa, outs Clay

So, Rosie O’Donnell called out Kelly Ripa for being homophobic this morning. She accused her of homophobia after Clay Aiken put his hand over her mouth with and she scolded him with a, “I don’t know where that hand has been, honey!” Whether you believe the comment and its ensuing celebrity smackdown was homophobic or not, the most interesting tidbit of this little fracas was both stars' casual acceptance of Clay’s sexuality. As Rosie said:

"If that was a straight man, if that was a cute man, if that was a guy that she didn't question his sexuality, she would have said a different thing. To me that's a homophobic remark."

Also, it’s interesting to hear Kelly vehemently defend her actions. Does this elevate being called homophobic to the ranks of "Must Reply" accusations? Will she be making a rambling apology on Letterman later? Mountain out of molehill? Or does the “honey” put it over the edge? You decide.

Lesbosphere expands

We all know about the blogosphere. Well welcome to the lesbosphere. Seems Melissa Etheridge’s partner and new mom Tammy Etheridge (formerly Tammy Lynn Michaels of “Popular” fame) has her very own blog. Much like fellow celebrity blogger Rosie O’Donnell, Tammy writes her posts largely in prose* verse. Geez, what is it with lesbians and poetry blogs? Her cover was blown yesterday when Perez Hilton publicized her site. While not completely anonymous (she writes about fame, her contempt for the paparazzi , being gay, her pregnancy, Melissa’s cancer), Tammy refers to the singer only as “Honey.” It can be an interesting read, but I fear now that her anonymity has been lost in such a big way (seriously, that dude gets crazy traffic), she won’t be as open and free with her thoughts. But then, if you don’t want to share your thoughts with the world, why start a blog?

*Indeed, as it was so astutely pointed out, "prose" was the wrong word to use here. Very good, you passed the vocabulary portion of this quiz. Next up, chemistry!

A Rosie by any other name

You know what? I think I was wrong about Rosie O’Donnell spoiling The View. In fact, I’m going to take it one step further and say I’m really happy she has joined the cast. I had forgotten how at ease she is in front of the camera. And how funny she can be. More importantly, I had forgotten how cool it was to have an out, opinionated, acerbic woman on TV. Oh wait, she wasn’t out before when she was on TV. Anyway, now that she has fully embraced her big-mouthed butch broad role, I’m really digging her. She was also really, really good on her guest spot on Nip/Tuck last night, with a sex scene to boot. Keep on keeping on, Rosie. Though I'm still not sure about your abstract haiku blog. But whatever, welcome back.

UPDATE: Here is The Scene. I had her pegged as a talker, too.

Oprah is a little gay, pass it on

Rosie O’Donnell thinks Oprah has a touch of the gay. Today on “The View,” Rosie said that the relationship between the Queen of Talk and business partner/best galpal/hetero lifemate Gayle King pings her gaydar. She also refuted Oprah’s claims that just because they aren’t having sex, they aren’t gay.

“They are always together, but you know they are not lovers. But I think that is very typical of gay relationships …You know, two women get together and after year two all they do is spoon. You now what I’m saying. She’s like, ‘Well we’re not having sex. We’re not gay.’ Well, you might be a little bit gay, you’re just not doing it ... Everyone can be a tiny bit gay.”

So, essentially, Ro thinks O has a case of the lesbian bed death. I can see it now, "Tomorrow on Oprah, 10 ways to stop spooning and start screwing!"

Rosie comes up roses

As much as I've bagged on Rosie O'Donnell's spoiling The View (yes, bad pun intended), I am happy to see that she is pulling in viewers. She may be the stereotypical big-mouthed angry lesbian at times, but she is still family. And, as family, I'm always pleased whenever we find mainstream acceptance. And it doesn't get more mainstream, soccer mom, mini van America than The View (except for Oprah, which is its own crazy cult in and of itself). Rosie's debut Tuesday attracted 4.2 million viewers nationwide, representing a 54 percent jump from the same day a year ago when the show had 2.7 million viewers. The show also saw a bump in the coveted 18-49 age group in women. Plus, Rosie did it all with her longtime girlfriend Kelli Carpenter sitting and cheering in the audience. In other good family news, The Ellen DeGeneres Show opened its fourth season on Monday with a record 3.3 rating, which was nearly 30 percent better than its season premiere from 2005. Let the the lesbian dominance of daytime television begin. Toaster ovens for everyone!

Everything coming up Rosie?

ABC released its first cast photo of The new View with Rosie and without Meredith Vieira and Star Jones. I'm glad Star's gone, but oh Meredith, Meredith - wherefore art though Meredith? Not to be mean (oh fuck it, let's be mean) but the hot factor has decreased precipitously with her departure. It will be very interesting to see, when the show premieres Sept. 5, how the new chemistry works. Having an out lesbian who has no qualms about being a loud-mouth join an already acerbic crew will be a test for American audiences. And she is supposed to be the moderator of the group. My evil side wished Star had stayed for just a little while so we could see those two throw down. Now that would have made for some awesome television. It will also be interesting to see whether Rosie keeps up her odd, haiku-esque stream-of-consciousness postings at her blog Rosie. Will Barbara allow it? Stay tuned...

Celebrity Death Match averted on "The View"

Well, Page Six is reporting that Star Jones is getting das boot from "The View."

Damn, I was kind of looking forward to watching the blood feud between Rosie and Star. Though, this news does mean that there is just a little bit more right with the world now that Star will no longer be polluting our lives with her presence each morning.

In other "View" news, Barbara Walters and is apparently steamed at Meredith Vieira for jumping ship to host the "Today" show. How dare you cross Baba Wawa! Now she'll stop filming you in soft filter lighting. That'll teach Meredith.

Not so cutie patootie

Well, this is just wrong. I mean, I know Rosie is family and all, but she is not a good fit to co-host "The View." From Meredith Vieira to Rosie O'Donnell. That shit ain't right.

Not that I have anything against Ms. O'Donnell. And yeah for more lesbian visibility on TV, and all that good stuff. But it is just that the show was barely salvaged by the presence of Vieira and Joy Behar in the first place. Without Vieira to throw in a calming voice of reason, it'll just be Joy and Rosie sparring non-stop with Star and the blonde dingdong.

According to "Extra," the official announcement will be made tomorrow.