My Weekend Crush

How delicious is Vanessa Williams? As Wilhelmina Slater, she is so divaliciously devious, you almost forget what a staggeringly stunning woman she is. Plus, no one works an eyebrow arch harder. In less than two seasons she has made the evil editrix extraordinaire a classic comedy character for the ages. Fabulous. Fierce. Fearsome. And while we all love the malevolent scheming, every now and then she shows a little heart. For a second. OK, make that a spilt second. And talk about your comebacks. After being forced to resign her 1984 Miss America crown is disgrace when nude photos of her appeared in Penthouse, Vanessa has gone on to be probably the most famous and successful of all the pageant’s past contestants. So, uh, suck it prudes. Also, does anyone else take secret delight in the fact that her racy shots were with another woman? (NSFW, ‘natch.) Insert patented Wilhelmina eyebrow raise here. Happy weekend, all.

Who you calling ugly?

America Ferrera is kind of pretty, no? These gorgeous shots of Ms. Not-At-All Ugly are for the Dec. issue of Marie Claire U.K. These photos serve two purposes for me today. One, they’re beautiful and by Friday the best my brain can manage is to stare at something beautiful and go, “Look, pretty.” And two, they help assuage my guilt about being four episodes behind in my “Ugly Betty” watching. Don’t worry, I plan to repent this weekend with a nice, long marathon. But for now, please sit back and enjoy the eye candy. [Click any to enlarge.] Look, pretty.

Clearly, I watch too much TV

Well, premiere week is over and most of the new and returning shows have had their chance to wow us. So, how wowed do you feel? After carefully planning out my new fall viewing schedule, it’s time to take stock. I think it’s probably too soon to dump anything outright. OK, not true. I never started watching “Chuck” and I decided against “Life”* -- with my apologies to Sarah Shahi. But let’s roll up our sleeves and look at the rest, shall we?

TUESDAY

“Bones”/“House” -- Like fine wine, I think they both are getting better with age. I wasn’t wild about the latter’s cop with a grudge/House with an addiction storyline last year. But giving House more doctors to torture is a stroke of pure genius. Oh, and it looks like a few of them will be sticking around for good.

WEDNESDAY

“Pushing Daisies” -- Cute, though possibly too cute. Now I’m a big fan of whimsy, but it’s always better when balanced out with a little snark. Really, everything is better with a little snark. But then, I would think that wouldn’t I? Though, you know what bothers me the most about this show? His dog. There is no way he could not have touched his dog, even by accident, in 19 years. At some point, that dog would have walked, run, jumped, nudged, bumped, crawled or snuggled up to him and then poor poochie would have been dearly departed again. So, yeah, that bothered me. Yes, I realize my insistence on realism is ridiculous since I’ve already totally accepted the premise that a man can bring things back from the dead with one touch, only to kill them again with a second touch. I remain, as ever, consistently inconsistent.

“Bionic Woman” -- Oy. The first episode was promising, but flawed. The second episode was bad, just bad. Never underestimate the importance of a charismatic lead. And also never underestimate the audience’s appetite for an ass-kicking villain. This show needs more Katee Sackhoff and more interesting acting by Michelle Ryan. Preferably together. I can’t be the only one who thought the chemistry between the two of them was, uh, bionic. Oh, and lose Isaiah Washington.

THURSDAY

“Ugly Betty” -- It hurts me to say this, but the first two episodes have felt, well, off. It’s almost like they hired a new writing staff over the summer and the newbies haven’t mastered the fine art of snark. Too little Marc and Amanda. Too much after-school special sentimentality. It’s not a good sign that I can’t recall one quotable quip. Not one. This makes me sad. Hopefully, they’re just rusty. I still love all things America, though. No one falls down, runs into things or knocks over a tray of bagels like that gal.

“30 Rock” -- I’m thisclose to building a shrine to Tina Fey and praying to it for comedy inspiration. I am in no way kidding.

* UPDATE: OK, OK. You’ve convinced me. I’ll give “Life” another shot. In my defense, I watched the first episode and recorded the second, but it got bumped because of space issues. So, I had intended to keep watching. I’ll catch up online. You people are so demanding. My main problem with the show is the main character, Charlie. His quirks in the pilot were just so, quirky. He reminded me of a mix of Vincent D’Onofrio from “L&O:CI,” David Carradine from “Kung Fu” and Rain Man. Sarah, on the other hand, rocked. Like, hard. And I just saw this still from an upcoming episode. Butch Carmen = Hot Damn. Color me convinced.

Ladies night

Every now and then, there is a God.

Betty gets medieval, musical and more

Only THREE more Ugly Bettys left this season and, oh kiddies, tonight is gonna be good. How good? Think Betty, a renaissance restaurant and a mechanical steed. Really, what’s not to love? Plus, all kinds of Betty news broke this week including tidbits on the season finale May 17. Popping in for the big show will be Tony-winner Kristin Chenoweth, Bound-babe Gina Gershon and Mexico’s own Ugly Betty Angélica Vale (star of the telenovela “La Fea Más Bella”). Two Bettys for the price of one? Awesome.
In equally awesome news, get ready for an all-singing, all-dancing episode sometime next season. Not since “Once More With Feeling” has the prospect of a musical made me this happy. At a panel discussion on the show at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences in Hollywood April 30, producers revealed that a sing-along was in the works. I’m already envisioning Wilhelmina’s number as something very “Priscilla Queen of the Desert” meets “Evita” crossed with “The Bitch is Back.”

In somewhat less awesome news, Salma Hayek probably won’t be returning as a guest star anytime soon. At the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences event, Eric Mabius (who will always be Tim to me) told TV Guide not to expect Salma’s real-life pregnancy to be written into a new storylines for Sophia.

“[Salma] has made it very clear that she’s not going to be returning. She likes to keep her private life very private.”

Bummer. But, we’ll always have our fond memories of that elevator scene. Apparently, America Ferrera has her own special memories of Salma in that arena. As she told E! during the same event, she took the role as Betty because of Salma’s flawless sales pitch, not to mention her flawless breasts. As Salma told her how “Ugly Betty” would be the “biggest hit since Mary Tyler Moore,” America admited to being distracted.

“I was staring at her boobs the whole time.”

You and me both, America. You and me both. Speaking of great boobs, have you seen America (No. 23) as one of People en Espanol’s “Los 50 Más Bellos 2007”? Damn, that girl is gorgeous. I believe a “Hubba!” and a “Bubba!” are in order here.

Hot Betty

In February, W magazine put Ellen on the cover and now it is America. This deserves a polite golf clap and then some. To have such an arbiter of fashion pick two non-traditional beauties to grace its cover in the span of three months must be some sort of record. America looks, as always, stunning. And, as in every interview I read with her, she comes across as smart, sensible and stable. That includes her perspective on her own body.

“I mean, of course I want to be at a weight where I’m happy. There are times when I go to the gym and really try, and there are times when I just don’t. I gain a pound; I lose a pound. But I think I’ve developed a really good sense of when I’m doing something for myself as opposed to when I’m doing something because of other people’s expectations of me. And honestly, even if I wanted to be anorexic, I just don’t have what it takes. After four hours of being anorexic, I’d be like, 'It’s been four whole hours! Feed me!'”

That being said, do you think W exaggerated her collar bone to make her look thinner? Oh, Ms. Snarker, focus on the positive. It was one of your New Year’s resolutions. That and not referring to yourself in the third person. Damn. Fine, I am just going to enjoy these pictures. Does that make you happy?

Bringing Ugly Back

“Ugly Betty” returns tonight with a fresh new episode after a month of repeats. I know it has only been a month, but hasn’t the world seemed just a little less fabulous without your weekly dose of Bettyliciousness? I mean, a month without any of Betty’s big-braced smiles. A month without any withering Wilhelmina put downs. A month without any of office sycophants Marc and Amanda’s evil scheming. And, a month without gay-in-training Justin breaking into showtunes. Now, that is one long month.

In the meantime, the “Ugly Betty” phenomena keeps on rolling. Show executive producer and guest star Salma Hayek announced her pregnancy and engagement (somewhere Penelope Cruz is weeping into her pillow...) Plus Entertainment Weekly put Betty on its cover. But, seriously EW, don’t you think it’s a little premature to worry about the show jumping the shark? Damn, give them at least one season before you start the hand wringing. So much for the afterglow.

“And when he’s done, you’d better clap”

Yesterday I was feeling rather bad about the world, particularly the people in it. Though it shouldn’t still shock me, sometimes someone’s complete ignorance, hatred and cruelty catches me off guard. Hearing Tim Hardaway’s vitriolic rant was that jolt.

“You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I’m homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.”

Sure he has since apologized and been banned by the NBA*, but the damage was done.

Then, while watching “Ugly Betty,” I started to feel better. A lot better. Now my love for all things Bettylicious is well documented and unwavering. Last night it became transcendent. For all its camp and craziness, the show is really about heart. And, in a subtle way, changing people’s hearts and minds.

I can’t think of another primetime show right now that more deftly and effectively addresses gay issues. In last night’s episode, the parallel storylines of transgendered Alexis’ rejection and future-gay Justin’s acceptance were nothing short of magnificent. This is how change happens. It takes seeing someone you care about - even if only a fictional character - being hated or loved for who she or he is to challenge a person’s beliefs.

To quote Alexis: “People are kind of awful.” True, but sometimes they might just catch you off guard in a good way. When Justin’s father stood up for him finally, my God, I teared up. I really did. Can “Ugly Betty” save the world? No, of course not. But it can make it just a little bit better. Watch it for yourself and feel just a little better about the world, too.

*NOTE: For the record, I in no way forgive Hardaway. And yes I realize it was a half-ass apology and yes I realize the NBA banned him only from All-Star Weekend. I was trying to be brief since I linked to the full story. That man is a bigot without remorse and there is no excuse for that. Period. End of story.

Four reasons awards season makes me happy

Oh no, she di’nt... Yes, she did. She really, really did.

Bettylicious

Oh, Ugly Betty. You had me at ponch-o. Every time I watch, I giggle like an idiot. Sure, you’re getting dangerously close to “Will & Grace” levels of gueststar-itis (For those keeping score at home, we’ve seen Salma Hayek, Debi Mazar, Gina Gershon, Kathy Griffin, Rebecca Romijn, Tim Gunn and Katharine McPhee. Still to come are Lucy Liu, Jerry O’Connell and Naomi Campbell). But last night’s episode was fantastic. No, wait, it was gaytastic. Yes, that’s a word. No, don’t look it up. Trust me. Highlights: Wilhelmina using Marc as her “seeing-eye gay.” Justin as television’s most adorable future gay. Alex turned Alexis explaining her transition to Daniel (Max could learn a thing or six from her in the compelling, concise transcharacter department). And Amanda screeching, “She’s a model, shiny things confuse her.” Watch it now on ABC. It’s Friday. No one in the office will notice.

The opposite of Ugly

So this is what Lucy Liu has been up to lately. Cause, you know, I’ve been worried about homegirl’s career. The former McBealer is back on the small screen for a two-episode stint on “Ugly Betty” starting Feb. 15. According to Zap2It, she will play Grace Chin, a former college classmate whom Daniel once stood up. Geez, that cast keeps getting prettier and prettier. They’re going to have to start calling it “Ridiculously Not Ugly Betty” soon.

America the beautiful

Hot damn. I believe I just dropped my fries. Check out America Ferrera working it in Estylo magazine. Me…words…coherent…not so much. I believe I’ve found my happy place and it’s in the nook of America’s left hip. Can I get a witness?

Golden Girls

Hey folks, check back this afternoon for a complete post on the Golden Globes. I’m wiped out from the night’s festivities and at a loss for witty things to say. I know, how is that possible. For now, enjoy the lovely ladies of “Ugly Betty” sharing the love.

Separated at Ugly

Has anyone else noticed how much Ugly Betty’s America Ferrera and South of Nowhere’s Mandy Musgrave look alike? Seriously, they could be sisters. Or, like they are in my head, girlfriends who have begun the slow yet inevitable transformation into each other. And, I am completely coveting America’s “Be Ugly” shirt (even though the logo looks suspiciously like another great woman in TV history...God, anyone else have a crush on Jane?) I digress. Join the Be Ugly in 2007 campaign here. Yes, I know it's just a clever marketing ploy. But I’m a sucker for a gal in glasses.

While the cat's away

So, did you find everything your little heart desired under the Christmas tree this year? What, still no Halle Berry? Well, better luck next year. Ms. Snarker had a nice low-key holiday and is now whiling away the last few days of 2006 in the land of milk and plenty of corn. Unfortunately, it’s also the land of glacial dial-up connection. That said, here are a few items of note that I had the patience to sit and wait and wait and wait to load while I’ve been away:

• The Donald and The Rosie had some sort of dust-up. Yeah, if I wanted to watch loud-mouthed, overly-opinionated idiots with bad hair argue during the holidays, I’d visit my born-again relatives on Long Island.
• Sarah Michelle Gellar has signed on for the new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” movie. That sound you hear is a million Buffy fans simultaneously screaming, “You left TV for this shit!?”
• That long-discussed “Sex and the City” movie might be back on. Admit it, you miss the hell out of those girls. Round of cosmos on me, barkeep.
• And finally, if by some cruel twist of fate or serious misjudgment of character, you haven’t watched “Ugly Bettty,” this is your chance to make amends before the new year. ABC Family will play an 11-hour marathon of the season so far starting at 9 a.m. Sunday. Don your ponchos, people, you’re in for a treat.

But will she wear the blue body paint?

Hey Ugly Betty-ites, today is your Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition release date all wrapped up in one. Rebecca Romijn will join the show’s cast full time starting next year. She will apparently play Faye, the shadowy, gauze-wrapped, low-voiced (yeah, how they gonna make that one work out?) figure who has been plotting all season with Wilhelmina to take back control of Mode. But already, in my head, something like this is happening between her and Salma Hayek as they try on dresses one night in the Mode fitting rooms. Yeah, this might take a while. Take amongst yourselves…

UPDATE: Those tricksy writers fooled us all and Rebecca is not playing Faye but instead – wait for it, wait for it – Alex Alexis Meade, the presumed dead but really just pulling an Alexis Arquette on us brother turned sister of Daniel Meade. Just in case there was any doubt, this show is - indeed - awesome.

Salma says watch her...errr...show

OK, now I think she is just showing off. Seriously, do those things have their own gravitational pull. I’m just saying…

Salma gets Ugly

So. I, ahhh... Yeah, uhm... OK, I have no idea what I was going to say. But I do know that, if you don’t watch “Ugly Betty” already, here are two very convincing reasons to start. See Salma Hayek begin her (revealing) guest stint on the show she also executive produces at abc.com. Or, you can just stare at these screencaps and wonder, “How the hell did Eric Mabius get so damn lucky?”

My Weekend Crush

Ugly really is the new pretty. I’m starting to love “Ugly Betty.” The new series effortlessly blends camp and heart (no small feat) and brings us something practically unheard of on primetime televisions: a big, brainy and brave Hispanic heroine. Betty Suarez is the opposite of the rail-thin glamazons and too-cool hipsters we see everyday on TV. Can I get a Hallelujah. The woman behind Betty is lovely young actress America Ferrera. She proves that, like her first film, “Real Women Have Curves” - and they look damn good with them, thank you. Happy weekend, all.

My Weekend Crush

¡Muy Caliente! It doesn't get more va-va-voomy than Salma Hayek. This Latin lovely has beauty, brains and bodacious curves. Hubba and bubba. When I saw her during the Oscar telecast earlier this year, I temporarily lost the ability to form multisyllabic phrases. Why she would date Edward Norton for - uh...uhmm...uh - damn, there is goes again. Happy weekend, all.