Like a fish needs a bicycle

So, despite my better judgment, I’ve been sticking with “Bionic Woman.” Yes, Michelle Ryan is no Katee Sackhoff. Yes, the writing can on occasion make your ear-bleed. Yes, some of the storylines seem to come straight out of “Espionage for Dummies.” Yet, still, I stay. I stay because I like shows about strong women and I really like shows about strong women who kick ass.

But this week’s episode highlighted a lot of what is wrong with the series. First of all, there was no Sarah Corvus. Not even a glimpse. Heck, she is 99 percent of why I’m still watching, if not more. But even more distressing than Sarah’s absence was the episode’s over-arching premise. Namely, that a woman needs a man. Clearly, I have issues with this on nearly ever level.
Lest you think I’m exaggerating, let’s review the episode. It opened with Jamie and friends chatting in her living room. The subject comes to dating and our independent heroine says:

“I don’t need a man in my life right now…I don’t need a man to make me happy.”

To which her friends reply:

“That is really sad.”
“Pathetic.”
“Yeah, ditto.”

Wow, great message to send to women everywhere. Even if you’re a (super) strong woman, you’re pathetic if you don’t want a man in your life. And, oh, it gets worse. The plot (just as goofy as ever) has Jamie going undercover to college as a British exchange student (those sneaky writers, slipping in her real accent…but more on that later). There she meets a T.A. who turns out to be C.I.A. and they almost get horizontal. By the way, where do they find all these bland dullards to be Jamie’s love interest? First her negatively charismatic doctor boyfriend and now this slightly buffer version of Fred Savage?

So, what are we left with at the end of this episode that opened with Jamie’s supposedly empowering statement that she didn’t need a man to be happy? Her happily getting all kissy face with her new man. Ugh. Not that I’m against happiness or coupleness or kissiness. But, please, don’t insult us with your pseudo empowerment only to take us down the same old boy meets girl road. This is not why I tune into shows about strong women.
That said, the episode did have two very good things going for it. 1) Michelle’s English accent. To quote the geeky lab tech dude: “It’s literally the hottest thing ever!” Is it just me, or does she act better with the accent, too? and 2) The Ani DiFranco song “Recoil” playing at the end. Ani anywhere makes me smile. Ani with a Bionic Woman, well, that makes me really smile.

Clearly, I watch too much TV

Well, premiere week is over and most of the new and returning shows have had their chance to wow us. So, how wowed do you feel? After carefully planning out my new fall viewing schedule, it’s time to take stock. I think it’s probably too soon to dump anything outright. OK, not true. I never started watching “Chuck” and I decided against “Life”* -- with my apologies to Sarah Shahi. But let’s roll up our sleeves and look at the rest, shall we?

TUESDAY

“Bones”/“House” -- Like fine wine, I think they both are getting better with age. I wasn’t wild about the latter’s cop with a grudge/House with an addiction storyline last year. But giving House more doctors to torture is a stroke of pure genius. Oh, and it looks like a few of them will be sticking around for good.

WEDNESDAY

“Pushing Daisies” -- Cute, though possibly too cute. Now I’m a big fan of whimsy, but it’s always better when balanced out with a little snark. Really, everything is better with a little snark. But then, I would think that wouldn’t I? Though, you know what bothers me the most about this show? His dog. There is no way he could not have touched his dog, even by accident, in 19 years. At some point, that dog would have walked, run, jumped, nudged, bumped, crawled or snuggled up to him and then poor poochie would have been dearly departed again. So, yeah, that bothered me. Yes, I realize my insistence on realism is ridiculous since I’ve already totally accepted the premise that a man can bring things back from the dead with one touch, only to kill them again with a second touch. I remain, as ever, consistently inconsistent.

“Bionic Woman” -- Oy. The first episode was promising, but flawed. The second episode was bad, just bad. Never underestimate the importance of a charismatic lead. And also never underestimate the audience’s appetite for an ass-kicking villain. This show needs more Katee Sackhoff and more interesting acting by Michelle Ryan. Preferably together. I can’t be the only one who thought the chemistry between the two of them was, uh, bionic. Oh, and lose Isaiah Washington.

THURSDAY

“Ugly Betty” -- It hurts me to say this, but the first two episodes have felt, well, off. It’s almost like they hired a new writing staff over the summer and the newbies haven’t mastered the fine art of snark. Too little Marc and Amanda. Too much after-school special sentimentality. It’s not a good sign that I can’t recall one quotable quip. Not one. This makes me sad. Hopefully, they’re just rusty. I still love all things America, though. No one falls down, runs into things or knocks over a tray of bagels like that gal.

“30 Rock” -- I’m thisclose to building a shrine to Tina Fey and praying to it for comedy inspiration. I am in no way kidding.

* UPDATE: OK, OK. You’ve convinced me. I’ll give “Life” another shot. In my defense, I watched the first episode and recorded the second, but it got bumped because of space issues. So, I had intended to keep watching. I’ll catch up online. You people are so demanding. My main problem with the show is the main character, Charlie. His quirks in the pilot were just so, quirky. He reminded me of a mix of Vincent D’Onofrio from “L&O:CI,” David Carradine from “Kung Fu” and Rain Man. Sarah, on the other hand, rocked. Like, hard. And I just saw this still from an upcoming episode. Butch Carmen = Hot Damn. Color me convinced.

Bionic hottie

After seeing these new promo shots for “Bionic Woman” Michelle Ryan, the only things I can say is…

OH.MY.

GOD.

Warning: serious couch time ahead

Now that the dust has settled from the network upfronts, it’s time to start planning my new fall television viewing schedule. Looks like my whatever-will-fill-the-huge-gaping-hole-that-was-Buffy lament might finally get the answer it’s been longing for as both the “Bionic Woman” and “The Sarah Connors Chronicles” vie to fill the strong women who kick ass and take names spot in my heart.On Fox, “The Sarah Connors Chronicles” will bring Lena Headey and Summer Glau into my home every week. Fine, the show won’t debut until January but the mere prospect is reason enough to do a jig around the couch. I’m going to let the preview do the talking.

Also on Fox, and also not premiering until January (dammit, Fox, what the hell?), is “The Return of Jezebel James.” All you need to know is that Parker Posey and Lauren Ambrose will recite the whip-smart dialogue of “Gilmore Girls” creator Amy Sherman-Palladino. Heaven, thy name is witty repartee.

Over on ABC, beside the welcome return of “Ugly Betty” (but why, why did you have to kill Santos?) will be two newcomers of note -- or at least of note to me -- “Cashmere Mafia” and “Pushing Daisies.” Cashmere boasts a killer cast (Lucy Liu, Miranda Otto, Frances O’Connor and Bonnie Somerville) and sounds a lot like “Sex and the City.” It will also sport the fall season’s first new lesbian/bisexual storyline. Bonnie’s character will share an unexpected yet electric kiss with a co-worker. Read all about it here and fantasize about it until the show finally airs later in the fall on its regular night Tuesdays, replacing “Dancing With the Stars.” Bonnie starred as Ross’ girlfriend Mona on “Friends.” I don’t remember her at all, which doesn’t bode well. But, hope spring eternal. Still, couldn’t it have been Frances’ character who had the gay revelation? Really, that would have been much hotter.

And finally, coming to ABC Wednesday nights is “Pushing Daisies.” The show centers around a man who can raise the dead, and kill them again, with one touch. Sure, the supernatural premise sounds a little “Tru Calling” meets “Six Feet Under,” but wait it gets better. The series was created by the same fantastically quirky mind that thought us “Wonderfalls.” If you’ve never seen that show go to Amazon right now and buy the box set. You will not be sorry and, yes, I will accept small gifts as tokens of your appreciation for turning you onto one of the best prematurely and unjustly canceled television shows ever. But back to Daisies, which features Kristin Chenoweth and a woman with an eye patch. Hell, we haven’t had a good woman-with-an-eye-patch character since “Twin Peaks.” About damn time.

War is Hell-oooo ladies

Welcome to TGIV, or Thank God It’s Video. Why? Because it’s the end of another long work week and the last thing you want to do is read more of my inane drivel. So kick back, and enjoy. Just keep the giggling to a minimum. It totally blows your cover at work.

p.s. If you’re feeling particularly saucy, that “V” above can stand for something else. Rhyme with angina. Meow.

Samantha Bee "N.I.L.F."
Uploaded by virtualmatter

Gimme that hot dirty-over-thirty NILF action, baby.


Now that is what I call smoking in the girls room. Hat tip, Sarah.


Not funny, just cool. Plus, Starbuck vs. the Bionic Woman? This femmeslash practically writes itself.

NBC loses 60, goes Bionic and finds Shahi

NBC held its upfronts yesterday and it’s official: Studio 60 is dead. The much-hyped, then much-maligned and finally much-ignored dramedy from the overly-articulate mind of Aaron Sorkin officially got the axe. I love, love, loved this show at first. The story was smart. The writing was witty. Sarah Paulson was pretty (and witty and gay). But the writing and story suffered as things shifted away from topical, political storylines and into the emotional arena. Watching ex-couples argue and pseudo-couples stalk each other? Not that fun. Too bad, because had it been able to stretch its genius without the constant specter of cancellation, I think it could have grown into something special. Sigh. In more uplifting news, NBC unveiled its full fall season. Of interest (because she is endlessly interesting) is the return of Tina Fey as Liz Lemon. The previously-announced pickup of “30 Rock” comes with a move up one time slot on Thursdays. Looks like I’ll be glued to my couch Thursday nights -- again. A couple new shows also caught my eye. One was the reimagined “Bionic Woman” airing Wednesdays. I watched the original and remember running around our house making the bionic “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na” sound. The new Bionic babe will be played by British actress Michelle Ryan. See a one-minute clip here. No “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na,” but it still looks pretty hardcore. Strong women and super powers? Kick and Ass.And finally, just because she is hot like fire, here is Sarah Shahi all smiles at the upfronts promoting her new show “Life,” which will air Wednesdays behind the “Bionic Woman.” O Carmen, Carmen! Wherefore art thou Carmen? Sarah plays a cop (hot damn, I’m going to have to add her to my girls with guns list). Otherwise, I have no idea what the series is about (fine, I know a little -- detectives, second-chances, life…) but, really, I don’t care. What I do care about is the zipper that runs down the front of her dress. The only thing between us and heaven is one good tug.