An offer I can refuse...almost

So, yeah, uhm... Was it good for you? I’m going to level with you, it wasn’t good for me. I want to be charitable, so I won’t call it bad. But, to be perfectly honest, if “Cashmere Mafia” didn’t have lesbian content there is no way on hell I would watch it again. Not even for Frances O’Connor. Not even for Miranda Otto. Not even for Lucy Liu. Right now, Bonnie Somerville and her new shade of Sapphic lip locking is the only thing that will bring me back Wednesday night for episode two.

Why so disgruntled? Well, pretty much I’m always disgruntled. But to be more specific, sweet fancy Jesus, the writing sucked. You’d almost think the writers went on strike before this thing was scripted. But, sorry, no such scapegoat. This is apparently their A material. How sad. I mean, I’m pretty much this show’s target audience -- a former “Sex and the City” fan with a thing for the ladies. And even I am all, “Oh, girl. No. Really, no.” Also, someone needs to take the music director behind the barn to be shot.

Still I will dutifully stick it out for the next couple of episodes because a) duh, hot girls kissing and b) what else am I going to watch, “American Gladiator?” Sigh.

An offer we can’t refuse

Look, I can write about TV shows with lesbians that don’t have a single “L” in them. Who’d a thunk it? A new trailer for the upcoming (yet still unscheduled…end writers strike, end!) “Cashmere Mafia” has hit the interwebs. Nothing too new, except of course for Lucy Liu’s new love interest. They swapped out the unknown guy from the pilot to put in a slightly less unknown guy (Tom Everett Scott, who was in that terrible “An American Werewolf in Paris” movie with Julie Delpy, which I only watched for Julie Delpy and even so regretted more than a little.) Despite the Darrin-ing (you know, from “Bewitched”… hello?…crickets) of the boy toy, he still seems like a dud. And the show seems a little dud-like, too. It’s not the cast, which is to a woman fantastic (well, I don’t know if Bonnie Somerville is fantastic yet, since I don’t remember her from anything, but she is playing gay and that is fantastic so ipso facto she is fantastic….Man, what’s the deal with my out of control parentheticals today?).Really, by big beef with what I’ve seen so far is the writing, which (to put it charitably) isn’t all that wow. OK, the “kosher” line was sorta funny. But then it was totally negated by the “it’s not winning without you” pap. We need only turn our gaze to the mess that was “Bionic Woman” to know that writing matters. Writing makes a show. So seeing a scene where the friends tell the other friend’s new fiancé that “if you break her heart, we’ll break every last bone in your body” is not encouraging. Raise you hand if you’ve heard some variation on that theme once, twice or maybe 3,867 times before (I’m putting two hands up and making that “Ooh, ooh, teacher!”-call on me noise).Oh course, none of my whining really matters since the show features a prominent lesbian storyline so, duh, I am totally going to watch. I don’t know why TV producers haven’t caught on, but lesbian audiences are unfailingly faithful. We’ll watch almost anything as long as there is a lesbian in it. We’ll even keep watching when you inevitably turn her storyline into that old chestnut, the pregnant lesbian cliché. I mean, the show has “Mafia” in the title and a lesbian. That’s an offer no gay gal can refuse.

p.s. Did you catch the shot of Wallace Shaw filming on set with Lucy? Uh, is he in every lesbian show this season? Is he the new Birkenstocks?

Mafia hit

Say hello to the first casualty of the writers strike. ABC has bumped midseason replacement “Cashmere Mafia” from its original Nov. 27 premiere date to an indefinite TBA. Presumably, they’re saving the show in case the strike goes long. But what this means right now is that we’ll have to wait until who-the-hell-knows when to see some Bonnie Somerville girlie action. And that also leaves us in lesbian limbo with one fewer gay woman character on TV to root for this season.Dammit, producers. Pay your fucking writers fairly and let’s be done with this thing. We want to see women kissing on primetime television! In fact, we demand it! Trust me, the last thing you want is a mob of pissed gay women descending on your posh Hollywood offices. We know how to use power tools and can wield a mean softball bat. Believe me, the teamsters got nothing on us.

A peek at what we’ll be missing. Now, where did I put that bat?

Warning: serious couch time ahead

Now that the dust has settled from the network upfronts, it’s time to start planning my new fall television viewing schedule. Looks like my whatever-will-fill-the-huge-gaping-hole-that-was-Buffy lament might finally get the answer it’s been longing for as both the “Bionic Woman” and “The Sarah Connors Chronicles” vie to fill the strong women who kick ass and take names spot in my heart.On Fox, “The Sarah Connors Chronicles” will bring Lena Headey and Summer Glau into my home every week. Fine, the show won’t debut until January but the mere prospect is reason enough to do a jig around the couch. I’m going to let the preview do the talking.

Also on Fox, and also not premiering until January (dammit, Fox, what the hell?), is “The Return of Jezebel James.” All you need to know is that Parker Posey and Lauren Ambrose will recite the whip-smart dialogue of “Gilmore Girls” creator Amy Sherman-Palladino. Heaven, thy name is witty repartee.

Over on ABC, beside the welcome return of “Ugly Betty” (but why, why did you have to kill Santos?) will be two newcomers of note -- or at least of note to me -- “Cashmere Mafia” and “Pushing Daisies.” Cashmere boasts a killer cast (Lucy Liu, Miranda Otto, Frances O’Connor and Bonnie Somerville) and sounds a lot like “Sex and the City.” It will also sport the fall season’s first new lesbian/bisexual storyline. Bonnie’s character will share an unexpected yet electric kiss with a co-worker. Read all about it here and fantasize about it until the show finally airs later in the fall on its regular night Tuesdays, replacing “Dancing With the Stars.” Bonnie starred as Ross’ girlfriend Mona on “Friends.” I don’t remember her at all, which doesn’t bode well. But, hope spring eternal. Still, couldn’t it have been Frances’ character who had the gay revelation? Really, that would have been much hotter.

And finally, coming to ABC Wednesday nights is “Pushing Daisies.” The show centers around a man who can raise the dead, and kill them again, with one touch. Sure, the supernatural premise sounds a little “Tru Calling” meets “Six Feet Under,” but wait it gets better. The series was created by the same fantastically quirky mind that thought us “Wonderfalls.” If you’ve never seen that show go to Amazon right now and buy the box set. You will not be sorry and, yes, I will accept small gifts as tokens of your appreciation for turning you onto one of the best prematurely and unjustly canceled television shows ever. But back to Daisies, which features Kristin Chenoweth and a woman with an eye patch. Hell, we haven’t had a good woman-with-an-eye-patch character since “Twin Peaks.” About damn time.