Mmm mmm, good

Now I know not everyone shares my same level of lust love for Padma Lakshmi. I know not everyone fantasizes about admires her intensely serene mix of Zen master, dominatrix and H.B.I.C. And, clearly, I know not everyone wants to obsessively repeatedly watch her eat a hamburger. But I do all those things, possibly even the crossed out ones.

Having said that, tonight brings with it a wave of both joy and pain. Joy because “Top Chef” returns bringing with it Padma. Pain because it’s also the start of the two-part finale bringing with it the end of Padma until next season. Wah. Also wah? Padma’s new finale bangs. I’m just not exactly feeling them.

Oh well, I could still watch her eat a burger for hours. So for now I am going to enjoy the current mini-blitz of Padma-y goodness surrounding the finale and her pregnancy. Like, did you catch Padma on Jimmy Fallon last week? Mini-skirts and thigh-highs? Now that’s just damn fine television.

You know, Padma honey, you aren’t helping that (alleged) reputation as an infamous rider of the Pineapple Express by mentioning low-level highs, inhaling and being blissed out. And Seth really does need to mind his own business.

Padma is also featured in Page Six Mgazine story where she talks about her pregnancy. [Hat tip, Carol!] I’m not so much concerned about the interview (she says something about her thighs and Magellan, you know, the usual). But I was more concerned about the photo. It’s a little Miley meets Leibovitz (also, why is she the wrong shade?)

Oh, who am I kidding, it’s still Padma and that’s still more than enough for me to mmm, Padma, mmm over.

Two great things that go great together

If you’ve ever wanted to watch my head explode, then come on over to my house at 9:30 p.m. on November 12. That is the day, The Day, that Padma no-one-eats-a-burger-sexier-than-me Lakshmi will drop by “30 Rock.” Padma and Tina…together…on my TV. Oh, Damn. Never mind waiting until Nov. 12, that splat you just heard was my head exploding in anticipation.

The thing about this coupling is 1) It makes perfect sense and 2) I totally did not expect it. Liz Lemon loves food and we know she likes to settle in for the night with “a meatball sub with extra bread, bottle of NyQuil, TiVo Top Chef.” Also, NBC owns Bravo, so - duh - cross promotion. Yet, for whatever reason, my brain never anticipated this merger of my dream women before. How can this be? Was my subconscious just protecting me from the impending hyperventilation? At this point, I realize I’ve probably lost 95 percent of you who do not share my obsessive devoted Fey-naticism. But, you'll just have to indulge me because, ZOMG, it's Tina and Padma! Now the only question is what to call this meeting of The Hot? Tidma? Padna? Feyshmi?

Padma will appear as herself in the episode titled “The Problem Solvers,” which also introduces guest star Cheyenne Jackson. See, the gay gals get some eye candy and the gay boys get some eye candy. That’s what I can a really gay win-win.

So far, the promos only show Padma with Jack. I swear, Tina better find a way to get her and her bi-curious shoes in the same frame with Padma or my head will explode, but in the bad way. Wait, is there a good way for your head to explode? Wait, am I rambling? Whatever, the point is: Padma + Tina = RIP Ms. Snarker’s head.

p.s. For those who need to warm up before the big event, check out Padma with Nigella Lawson...in robes...in bed from this week’s “Top Chef.” Granted, they need to either push those two beds together or pick one, but still, hello food porn. I swear, if they simultaneously lick stuff off spoons, my poor brain won't even make it until Nov. 12.

p.p.s. Don't even think my mind hasn't gone here already. Because, whoooo-doggie, it has and it has often.

A pig is a pig is a pig is a pig

Who knew Las Vegas was the tale of two cities? It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But that’s what we got a big, heaping serving of during the debut of “Top Chef: Las Vegas.” Look – I know, I know – two Top Chef posts in a row. (And the last one was soooo popular.) But I cannot contain my deep, boiling rage at some of the developments this season and we’re only one damn episode in.

First, the good. I love that Jennifer Carroll kicked ass in the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenge. I also love that she drinks too much and likes to make the boys cry. I mean, she looked so sorority girl in her picture. Who knew? Well clearly not the boys. One of them asks her when they first meet if she is the “pastry chef”at her restaurant and she replies simply, “No, chef.”

I also loved Ashley and liked Preeti, our two chefbians. OK, Preeti seems a tad clueless. I mean, a lesbian who can’t get into a tight clam? (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) But Ashley, well if the welfare backstory didn’t move you, her Rachel Maddow glasses/flannel shirt combo certainly should.

But now, the bad. The oh-so bad. What was Bravo thinking casting a misogynistic, ageist, all-around unappealing asshole like Michael Isabella? First, when Jennifer is neck-and-neck with him shucking clams he says: “There’s no way, no offense, a girl shouldn’t be at the same level that I am.”

Oh, glad you threw in that “no offense” because now your male chauvinist pig attitude totally doesn’t bother me one bit.

And then when another female chef decides to keep her immunity instead of go for the loot, he says: “To me it’s just one less old lady I have to worry about.”

You know, this show has had asshats before and sexists before, but the level of idiotic vitriol coming from this guy is unacceptable. I cannot accept that he is on my television competing to win $100,000. I cannot accept that Bravo allows him to be on my television competing to win $100,000. I mean, did the producers need a season villain so badly that they had to offend and denigrate more than half of the world’s population? The misogyny, IT BURNS!

And I’m not even going to discuss the other Mike who basically made a dish about women’s boobs involving rack of lamb and a sauce made from “two juicy coconuts.” Also, Tom, how could you call that “clever.” Gail was clearly not amused. Nor was I.

Look, being a fierce competitor is one thing. Being a sexist asshole is entirely another. I welcome the first. The other has no place in the kitchen or on television, period. This little piggy certainly does not belong on Top Chef.

[Check out my full recaps of the episode at AfterEllen later today. I am also live tweeting (West Coast time) each episode at @dorothysnarker. And chefbian cutie Jamie Lauren is blogging over at Bravo. No scallop jokes, I promise.]

Vegas, Padma. Padma, Vegas.

Can you hear it? Listen close and you’ll hear the almost rhythmic, almost pulsing sound of pure food porn. Put your ear to the ground. Hear it now? Padma, Padma, PADMA!

Yes, kittens, my mmm, Padma, mmm is finally back tonight. Oh, and so is “Top Chef.” The sixth season does it Vegas style, pitting 17 of the nation’s top rising chefs against each other for the title in Sin City. And, of course, there will be chefbians. As a refresher, here are our lesbian ladies with ladles:

Preeti Mistry and Ashley Merriman

Get to know our chefbians a little better in their Bravo introductory videos.

Meet Preeti:

Meet Ashley:

So, the key nuggets from those videos were:

Preeti is in a 13-year relationship and cooks “bold, hit you in the face flavors” and Ashley grew up on welfare and wants her diners to feel “they got hit in the face with a stick of butter.”

Wow, ladies. You really, really want to hit us in the face. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for the black eyes the chefs gave you with their food.

Well, as long as they keep their fists off Padma’s face, and anything else for that matter, we should all get out relatively unscathed. So, are you ready? Knife? Fork? Cleavage? Then bring on the FOOD!

p.s. Rehash each episode with me on AfterEllen.com on Thursdays (or possibly Fridays, it’ll depend on my level of sleep deprivation).

What happens in Top Chef...

Chefbians, chefbians, everywhere chefbians. Top Chef is back, flavor lovers. And it’s bringing two chefbians, one Padma and more tattooed gals than you can shake a ladle at. I’m not kidding, there is some serious ink happening this season. (Yes, I cropped Toby Young out of that top picture. But, yes, he will be back. And, no, I’m not pleased about it.) Now before we get to the painted ladies, we need to get to the gay ladies. On “Top Chef: Las Vegas” we’ve got two: [Click any, all to embiggen]

Bay Area chef Preeti Mistry, 33Seattle chef Ashley Merriman, 32

Well, they sure weren’t making it hard on our gaydar this season. I think I could have spotted them blindfolded from 30,000 feet. Faux hawks, copious tattoos, bed head. It’s all there.

But, interestingly, the lesbians aren’t the most extreme ink bearers this season. No, that distinction lies with two apparently straight contestants: Philly-based chef Jennifer Zavala [left] and Baltimore-based chef Jesse Sandlin [right]. A full-on neck tattoo and dramatic décolletage decoration? Whoa.

Rounding out Team Rainbow on the fella’s side is Ash Fulk, a 29-year-old New York-based chef. The tie is, apparently, the giveaway there.

But, I rather thought these two guys might be covert Team Rainbow members. A jaunty scarf and a bear beard? Puh-lease.

The scarf dude is French so, well, that explains that. Chef Bear still has some explaining to do.

The rest of the ladies, ranked in order of gayness [starting top left]: Robin Leventhal, Laurine Wickett, Eve Aronoff and Jennifer Carroll:

Now my other big take-away from the new Sin City edition was this little nugget from the press release:

Some of the top names in food, movies and entertainment including Wolfgang Puck, Todd English, Natalie Portman, Daniel Boulud, Penn & Teller, Hubert Keller, Laurent Tourondel, Tim Love, Michelle Bernstein, Tyler Florence, Charlie Palmer, Paul Bartolotta, Nigella Lawson, Jerome Bocuse and Thomas Keller.

Dear whatever deity you believe or don’t believe in wherever he or she or nothing may reside, Padma Lakshmi and Nigella Lawson are going to be in the same room eating food and, if history is any indication, licking it off their fingers/spoons/whatever other lucky inanimate object may be nearby. That thud you heard was me passing out.

Natalie and Padma in the same room is all kinds of awesome, too. But I’ve never looked at Natalie and thought, “Now there’s a big eater.” Nigella, on the other hand, wrote the book on food porn. “Top Chef: Las Vegas” premieres Aug. 19 on Bravo. I’ll be there, bib at the ready.

p.s. Did you know Padma is working on her own sitcom? No, I’m not kidding. No, really, I’m not kidding. Check the date. It’s not even close to April 1.

Top hoser

In mourning for Carla's loss and Hosea's win, I will refer you to my final "Top Chef" mini-cap posted today on AfterEllen. It's hard to fully articulate my disappointment in both the end result and ultimately this season. Gail Simmons summed it up perfectly.

Top Tortoise

Tonight is the night. Tonight we see if the tortoise really can beat the hare or, more appropriately in this case, the hair-free. Carla has been an absolute delight this season. Sure, she started out kinda kooky but now she is absolutely adorable. You just want to hug her. Or dance with her. Or simply be in the presence in such an uncanny human embodiment of a fraggle.

Seriously, at this point if you're not rooting for Carla then I'm not sure we can be friends. It's not just that she is more likable than her competitors. Sure, Stefan is endlessly arrogant and Hosea is endlessly whiny. But instead of hoping someone loses, as I've done in past season, I genuinely want her to win. She is the best chef out there. Plus if nothing else, think of the epic reaction shot we'd be treated to if Padma proclaims her Top Chef. In my mind's eye it would a little like the distillation of rainbows and unicorns and kittens and butterflies, in one smile.

Hell, you just know even the eternally serene Padma is secretly rooting for Team Hootie-Hoo.

So, now it's all over but the cooking. Go Hooti-Hoo, go! Let's all hope slow and steady really does win the race. And if that doesn't work, there's always pizzazz!

p.s. Just because every time I watch this clip it reminds me what it means to be awesome, let's see this one once more, with feeling:

My Weekend Crush

Carla is love. She is sunshine and joy and wonder. Her progression on “Top Chef” this season has been one of those rare revelations. While she may have started as the colorful kook, she is now a force not only to be reckoned with but genuinely admired. And she has done it all without grousing or aggrandizing. She has done it, quite simply, by cooking well. On a show like “Top Chef” where personality too often drives the drama, it's refreshing to see a personality – or more accurately a person – who is so uniquely herself. Carla is different, and that is what makes her so fantastic. Part Fraggle, part classically-trained chef, all lovable, she is the kind of person who should be celebrated on reality TV instead of all the vapid fame chasers who overpopulate our screens. If there was any justice in television, she will be this season's triumphant tortoise. Go Team Hootie-Hoo! Happy weekend, all.

Recap's on...at AE

Just a reminder, to dish all about “Top Chef” this season read my mini-caps every Thursday (well, this week it was Friday) at the AfterEllen Blog. Get all of your mmm, Padma, mmm here.

Yeah, suck it, I do read the paper

First Liz Lemon, now Padma Lakshmi. Who says newspapers are dead? Watching Padma extol the virtues of reading NYTimes.com (that'd be the online version of the dead tree edition for you old media adverse) makes me want to hug my morning newspaper close. Also, that's totally the outfit I like to read my morning paper in, too. Um, hello. Seriously, I've solved the problem of the downturn in newspaper readership. Just have Padma show up once at every subscriber's house in a low-cut dress to read the paper aloud while lounging seductively on the couch. Talk about your extra, extra read all about it. Other lovely ladies featured in the New York Times' Conversations campaign include Cynthia Nixon, Bebe Neuwirth and Lynn Redgrave.

I have to say, I've been enjoying the shit out of this season of “Top Chef” so far. It's not just because no obviously insufferable asshat has emerged (Stefan is more cockyhat than asshat, Fabio ands his accent are too damn entertaining to be asshats and Daniel, well, the jury is still out on Daniel), but because it seems genuinely focused on the food. (OK, fine, they made hotdogs once. That was dumb.) But, hell, even Ariane seems to have pulled it together. And the preview for tonight's episode makes me giggle more with each repeated viewing. Stefan has a crush on Jamie? He gives her things? Oh Stefan, Stefan. Quick, someone, what's the Finnish word for “lesbian?” Something must be getting lost in translation. Something like reality.

Come dish with me at my “Top Chef” mini-caps at AfterEllen every Thursday. And, of course, there is plenty of mmm, Padma, mmm.

Top this

Do Padma and I have your attention? Good, because it's time for “Top Chef,” biatches. Today the cheftestants pack their knives and head to the Big Apple for the premiere of season five. That's right, it's Padma & the City. This season has 17 (yes, 17!) chefs battling for the title. But don't worry about remembering everyone's name, previews make it seem like the chopping block comes quickly. Apparently someone gets pykag-ed in the Quickfire Challenge.

But who do we care about the most? You guessed it, our only chefbian, Jamie Lauren.

Please say hello to the San Francisco executive chef with the kickass tattoos and badass attitude. Well, I'm not sure about that last bit. But from this preview, she does like being in charge.

And just in case the tattoos and the hands shoved decidedly in pockets weren't enough to trip your gaydar, please behold some of the shots from her Top Chef Photo Diary.

What more can we expect from this season's cheftestants, lesbian and otherwise? Um, if these pictures from the premiere are any indication, lots of tank tops. God, how much do I love this show?

JillMelissaLeahLaurenCarlaArianeRadhika

[Click any and all to enlarge]

Fine, so that last gal isn't wearing a tank top, but she was the last of the ladies so it felt unfair not to include her.

So, ladies, the only question now is are you ready for some mmm, Padma, mmm? Oh, and wear a bib – you're drooling.

Eat, drink and be gay

Oh, my little loaves and ladles, it’s been too long without a tasty “Top Chef” tidbit. But, the oven bell has finally dinged and your generous serving of Padma & The TC Gang is ready to be devoured. The new cast of “Top Chef: New York” was revealed yesterday and yes – rest assured – there is a chefbian in the mix. Please meet Jamie Lauren. She has copious tattoos and a pendant shaped like a pretzel. Is it too soon to be smitten? Perhaps I should wait to see her food first.

The 30-year-old native New Yorker is the executive chef at Absinthe Brasserie & Bar in San Francisco. In a 2005 San Francisco Chronicle feature about her rising chef status, Jamie mentioned moving to the city with her girlfriend. Yet in a 2007 feature she talks about going to the Lex and Cat Club and the “totally hot waitress” elsewhere. So, you know, I'm just saying.

Via her Bravo profile her “favorite thing to eat is Indian food and she is obsessed with onions.” Via her restaurant profile she treats her staff “how I would want to be treated. No yelling, and a little dancing in the kitchen. Oh, and we burn incense to ward off the bad spirits.” And via her casting call interview with 7X7, guess who she wants to see as a guest judge: “Rachael Ray, just because I hate her.” Never mind the food. Hello, smitten.

Now, while Jamie is the only officially out female contestant, I am not above a quick gaydar spot check with the rest of the cast. The show also has two gay male chefs, a first in its five seasons.

[Click any and all to enlarge.]

As for the rest of the ladies, no one is confirmed, but let's play along anyway. Hey, I’m not saying they are. I’m just saying, you know, wishful pinging. (And to repeat, they’re – probably – totally not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being – probably – totally not gay…)

Lauren: Um, the hat. (She’s married*, but still – the hat).Carla: Funky glasses and great hair. (But she is, also, married*).Jill: The chef’s jacket and crossed arms are throwing me off.Fine, so my chefdar sucks. But we'll always have our mmm, Padma, mmm. And now, with knee-high boots.

Pack your knives and tune in Nov. 12. This is going to be delicious.

*Yes, to fellas. Hey, they can't help it; they were born that way.