Happy Birthday, Mrs. President

Today is President’s Day in the States which means I get to lounge around in my pajamas for one more day before having to do real work and write real blog posts once again. So in honor of President George Washington’s 279th birthday, a little bit of fun. I mean, Ellen DeGeneres is basically President of the Lesbians anyway, right?

Politics is Portia

Watching someone come fully into herself, especially in the public eye, is a rare and wonderful thing. The first time I saw Portia de Rossi was 17 years ago in “Sirens.” Known by the prurient as The Movie Where Elle Macpherson Gets Naked, it was actually a strange, sexy little meditation on exploration and desire. It was also Portia’s first film. Now, while others probably remember the naked supermodel, I remember Portia. That scene where all the woman slowly caress naïve, eager Giddy is, well, did I mention I remembered Portia?

When I next saw her she was the tightly wound Nelle Porter with her ice-smooth bun and icier personality. Yes, I totally watched “Ally McBeal,” the show that some claim nailed the coffin of feminism shut with the spike of its stiletto. I wouldn’t go that far – I mean, who doesn’t like a creepy dancing animated baby? But “A Room of One’s Own” it certainly wasn’t.

Then came those tabloid photos of her necking in an alley with Ringo Starr’s daughter. Then came “Arrested Development.” And then, then came Ellen. Now, I don’t agree with the idea that to be truly happy we must pull a “Jerry Maguire” and find The One who completes us. But I do believe that love can open your heart to what is most important in life.

And, make no mistake, these days Portia knows exactly what is most important in life. In a great cover story for The Advocate, she talks extensively about what matters most to her.

“Maybe by sharing my life, I can make people more aware of how important gay marriage is.” Is that more important to her than acting? “Of course,” she answers immediately. “Actors come and go. Characters come and go. TV shows come and go. While acting is entertaining, for me personally, it’s a little empty….My career is only a part of my life, and it’s certainly not what I think I was born to do.”

So what was she born to do?

“Ever since Ellen and I got together, I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to actually—God, this sounds corny…” She rolls her eyes at herself, fidgets, and then forges ahead. “Well, I feel like my life can actually kind of stand for something. And I don’t mean that in a self-aggrandizing way, like, ‘Look at me, I can make a difference.’ But I feel like, maybe I get why I’m here.”

Corny? No. Amazing? Yes.

Portia talks about everything: her relationship with Ellen, the fight for gay marriage, her battle with anorexia, her coming out and even her poor vegan cooking skills. Also, did you know she is writing a book? Good God, at this point if you told me she could also juggle while riding a unicycle I wouldn’t be surprised one bit.

So why does she think coming out in Hollywood so important?

“People say, ‘There are lots of openly gay actors.’ And I’m like, who? If everybody I knew that was gay and not being open about it came out, it would make a huge difference to people coming up as young actors in Hollywood. Huge. To producers, to people in casting. I’m sure that when I was with Ellen a lot of people wondered if I could play a straight role convincingly. By having the opportunity, other people can go, ‘Oh, that’s OK. It didn’t kill that show. That was believable.’”

And why is the fight for gay marriage so important?

“I think it’s up to us to save marriage. Up to gay people across the country, seeing as though we’re fighting for it so vehemently. This whole thing has been a wave of excitement and hope, and then it gently falls back into despair. And then it picks us up again. Unfortunately, we’re the ones who have to suffer this—this humiliation, really. There’s kind of a dignity that’s been stripped from us. Gay people are the ones who have to suffer through it—but without it, it won’t change.”

Finally, why was appearing on Oprah so important?

“Being on Oprah was a very surreal moment—to go from being so closeted and so afraid to talk about my sexuality to sitting with my wife, talking about my wedding and how much I love her. To look out at that audience and see most of the audience crying—Oprah was crying! Life can take so many twists and turns. You can’t ever count yourself out. Even if you’re really afraid at some point, you can’t think that there’s no room for you to grow and do something good with your life.”

Like I was saying, a rare and wonderful thing.

p.s. Everyone watch “Better Off Ted.” Portia will make you snort at minimum once per episode. Guaranteed.

Fuck it

Do not let those motherfuckers fool you; sometimes you need to swear. That’s right, goddammit, I’m talking about cursing. It’s natural, necessary even. I’ve always thought that purposely exchanging perfectly good profanity with sanitized substitutes in the company of other adults is kind of, well, bullshit. Around kids? Keep it clean. At work? Probably not appropriate. But otherwise, shit yeah. Piss off, puritans. Granted, there are words I don’t use. Hurtful, hateful words. Sexist, sadistic language. No thanks. But there is something so satisfying, so supremely expressive about just saying fuck when you really mean it. And on a day like today when the full reality of being back to work (that first week after a vacation is a blur of catching up and settling back) and the long, cold, gray slog ahead before the next break becomes all too apparent, you’d better believe I mean it. In substitute, please enjoy Portia de Rossi and the rest of “Better Off Ted” really meaning it, too. Mondays, they can fucking suck it.

[Clearly, language is NSFW so, headphones.]

And, just in case you didn’t watch the two-hour premiere of “Chuck” last night, here is one more reason to swear. I know. Fuck.

That, my friends, is the 1:14 mark of last night’s episode. So you won’t miss anything equally juicy, be sure to tune in tonight for a new episode as the show settles into its regular timeslot of 8 p.m. Mondays on NBC. Right about now a fuck yeah would be in order.

Tank Top Tuesday

I realize now I probably committed an unacceptable, unconscionable, unforgiveable crime against tank tops yesterday with my initial photo choice. Is there an apology big enough to atone for that sin? Can my sense of sexy be redeemed? Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? I cannot answer these questions. I can, however, grovel at the feet of Teh Hot and ask humbly for its forgiveness. I think Halle Berry is a good start. As for the rest of my mea culpa, it goes a little something like this.

Angelina JoliePadma LakshmiPortia de RossiSandra BullockJenny ShimizuTricia Helfer, Lucy Lawless, Grace ParkLaura SánchezI haven’t seen “Los hombres de Paco” yet. Clearly, I am an idiot.

So, is all forgiven? Well, can I at least stop sleeping on the couch?

Couch potatoes

Some days, well, you just feel like lounging. And if you feel like lounging with little or no clothes on, heck, even better. Blame Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres or blame the intoxicating combination of soft fabric against softer skin, but photographers sure seem to love the couch surfing shots. And, really, can you blame them? Being a couch potato never looked so good. [Click any to enlarge, though be forewarned – what follows is tastefully NSFW]

Dita Von TeeseDrew BarrymoreJulianne MooreKate WinsletKeri RussellMary-Louise ParkerPortia de RossiAnd the original: La Grande Odalisque

My Weekend Crush

While there are some who will only ever know Portia De Rossi as Ellen DeGeneres' wife, to reduce her to that would be to reduce what more than likely made her Ellen's wife in the first place. A gifted actress with Quartz-like comic timing, she is by all accounts the antithesis of the roles that have made her famous. Not an ice queen, not tightly wound, not blithely vapid, she is instead always described as warm and sensitive. I first noticed her years before Ellen become America's favorite lesbian, before “Ally McBeal” and before “Arrested Development,” back in that quirky little surprisingly Sapphic charmer called “Sirens.” If you've never seen it, then you've never seen Elle Macpherson and fellow female cohorts caress every every inch of Portia's body. Yeah, you're going to want to rent that.

Portia's new role as yet another aggressive, power-suited professional in “Better of Ted” once again shows off her impeccable comic chops. Her Veronica is a walking, talking sensitivity trainer's nightmare. Her role in the new series also has shone a welcome light on her and her relationship to a vast audience. Through it all she has displayed an effortless grace in handled both living in Ellen's shadow and being half of what is arguably the world's most famous gay couple. Together, they give America a face to gay marriage and demystify what a few fear so irrationally. The simple act of them loving each other so openly and talking about their lives so casually is at once wonderfully subversive and totally normal. Each time Portia goes on The Tonight Show, each time she talks to Newsweek or The Los Angeles Times, each time she is appears together with her wife she reinforces the simple fact that love is love. So then to deny her that love begins to seem unspeakably cruel. And that right there, that's how you change hearts and minds. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: Oh, the funny. In case you missed it, here is Portia's extra snarky Gay Marriage PSA from her Jimmy Kimmel Live! appearance Friday night. It's six kinds of awesome.

A couple of broads

Since when is the simple act of a married couple talking to each other a revolutionary act? When it's Ellen and Portia and it's played out on national television, that's when. Yesterday the big, highly-anticipated, awfully-charming interview between newly married couple Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi aired. Portia looked lovely, Ellen looked dapper. If you haven't seen it yet stop everything you are doing and click play. Trust me, you will not see anything cuter on The Interwebs today. Seriously, baby pandas have nothing on their cuteness.

Of course, the cute is one thing. But it's the adorable subversiveness that interests me most. You see, this is quite simply a first: an out lesbian talk show host interviewing her out lesbian wife in front of a national audience of millions. Suck it, Prop. 8. While the couple didn't kiss or do much more than hug and dance in each other's general vicinity, their affection and familiarity was undeniably apparent. I particularly liked the moment when Ellen took off Portia's shoe. Now, she probably would have never done that, let alone initiated it, with another guest. But there she went, lifting Portia's ankle and, without really asking, removing her Louboutin. It was at once incredibly intimate and terribly normal. This is what couples do.

Also, can I just say after watching that last “Better Off Ted” clip that Ellen is one lucky, lucky lady. Oh my God, the bendy. Heavens, couldn't she have busted out a little of that in her intro?

Equally subversive was Ellen and Portia's participation in a “The Newlywed Game” skit. They faced off with a straight couple from the audience, and actually won when they both agreed that the best gift they had given each other was their heart/love. Say it with me, awwwwwww.

Now, much has been made already of eHarmony's sponsorship of the “The Newlywed Game” skit. Was this an attempt for the notoriously non-gay inclusive dating service to make amends with the GLBT community? Well, maybe. But I'm not quite ready to give eHarmony a happy homo inclusion hug just yet. The reason they sponsored “The Newlywed Game” segment on Ellen's show was because they are sponsoring the ENTIRE new “The Newlywed Game” series set to launch April 6 on GSN (listen closely and you can hear the host mention the new show's premiere date at the end of the clip). So this is basically a wholesale plug for their new gameshow, period. Granted, it was nice of them to allow Ellen to use the show's name, but I wouldn't call those fences mended yet.

Yet I think perhaps the interview's most delightful moments came at the very end when Ellen sang with Portia as part of her Bathroom Concert Series. Their song: “I Got You Babe.” The wonderful part is that you could tell they practiced beforehand and during they give each other sweet little encouragements and admonishments. Plus, if you watch the full song on Ellen's website, you'll even see real, live lesbian hand holding. See, America, a couple is a couple is a couple – especially when they try to karaoke together.

T-Shirt Tuesday

Baby, it's cold outside – even in California. So in lieu of tank tops today how about some awesome T-shirts? They provide a little more warmth while being no less hot. Plus, we all know how much lesbians love their novelty T-shirts. Don't lie; you own at least one, if not many, many, many more. Portia De Rossi and her sparkly declaration of love and defiance of Prop. 8 is, clearly, awesome. [Hat tip, Anna and Stels!] But, of course, Portia is not the only one who can rock a slogan shirt with pride. A few of my favorites.

Leisha HaileyI knew. I own every single Murmurs CD.

Natalie PortmanFine sentiment meets fine film. Also, love the hair.

Penelope CruzI own this shirt, that's why.

Mary-Louise ParkerHoly hotness, Batman!

Shirley MansonMy sentiments exactly.

Zooey DeschanelIf my name was “Zooey” I'd put it on a T-shirt, too.

Tina FeyLike I could resist.

Ms. Snarker's Favorite T-ShirtFuck yeah, it's ladies night.

The happy couple

Mazel tov, Ellen and Portia! America's most famous lesbian couple (if not the entire world's) officially, legally tied the knot Saturday evening in an intimate ceremony at the couple's home in Beverly Hills. Only 20 family members and friends attended and while I feel a little yick about posting what are clearly paparazzi photos taken with a gianormous high-power lens, I do so because it's impossible to deny the love radiating off those two.

Since California began performing legal gay marriages in June, couples have said “I do” in droves. That one simple act is revolutionary in its ordinariness. We all want to love and be loved. We all hope to find the person to be ours until death do us part. And we all want that relationship to be recognized and accepted by our family, neighbors and government. So the more America (and the world) sees happy, healthy, perfectly normal gay and lesbian couples making a legal, lifelong commitment to one another, the less revolutionary and the more ordinary it will become. Which, after all, is how it should be. So congratulations, Ellen and Portia. May your lives together be happy and long and extraordinary. And thank you for making it all seem just a little more ordinary for the rest of us.

Tank Top Tuesday

I am decidedly not blonde. This isn’t the beginning of a bad blonde joke or any such hair color-based disparagement; it’s just a fact. I’ve also never dated a blonde. Not that I have anything against blondes. Hello, Jodie Foster. Sit a little closer, Kate Winslet. Don’t be shy, Leisha Hailey. I’ve heard that blondes have more fun. Also, gentlemen prefer them. But what I know for sure is that whenever I see blonde locks and tank tops, I automatically think summer. And, gosh, who doesn’t like summer?

Mary McCormack

Naomi WattsKristen BellKristen WiigUma ThurmanKristin ChenowethElisha CuthbertScarlett JohanssonElisabeth RohmPortia de Rossi[Click each to embiggen...hey, no blonde jokes!]

Political meet personal

By now, you’ve probably seen both of these clips. The first is Ellen’s joyous announcement that she and Portia are getting married now that the California Supreme Court had overturned the ban on gay marriage. The second is Republican presidential nominee John McCain explaining why gays and lesbians should not be allowed to legally marry. I’ve put them together because they are the perfect illustration of the clash of the personal and the political. Take a look (if you haven’t already) and we’ll dish.

So, how can you call yourself a human being and not be happy for Ellen and Portia after seeing that announcement? Look at Portia’s face. The only thing that would have made that moment more perfect is if Portia had come on stage with Ellen and they had, well, anything – kissed, hugged, held hands. But, hey, that’s Ellen’s style and I respect that.

Then there is McCain. If that’s not the very definition of uncomfortable, I don’t know what is. The guy looks like he’d rather be making out with Dick Cheney than explaining his position to Ellen’s face. And really, how could he? He is essentially saying, I don’t think you or your love is equal. I don’t think you deserve the same recognition or rights. That’s not just a difference of opinion, sir, that’s a difference in basic human decency. And speaking of basic human decency, what kind of person deliberately goes onto a program for publicity, and then tells the host she is not and should not be equal under the law? I want the free airtime, I’m just not that wild about you, lady. Hypocrite. P.S. Way to not let the old coot off the hook, Ellen. Tim Russert could learn a thing or two from that grilling.

I know this post veers off from the poppy culture I usually obsess focus on, but things like this are just a reminder that as disappointed as I am that Hillary (more than likely) will not win the nomination, this man CANNOT be our next president.

[Hat tip, Rowdy, for the clips!]

Oscar’s ladies

It only took them 80 years, but the Academy finally gave an Oscars to a woman with a pin-up girl tattoo. Fuck, yeah! the 80th annual Oscars telecast was filled with many worthy winners, a few surprises and countless pretty ladies, painted and otherwise. Overall, I was rather pleased with this year’s crop of honorees. Sure, I was pulling for a big “Juno”-shaped upset. But in the acting categories I couldn’t fault any of the winners. All of their performances were mesmerizing. While I was rooting for Julie Christie, Marion Cotillard made me fall in love with her all over again with her effervescent acceptance speech. And who knew that besides being an arresting-looking woman and having an incredibly eclectic taste in films, Tilda Swinton had such a dry and delicious sense of humor?

Look for my complete breakdown of this year’s ceremony -- complete with tons of pretty, pretty pictures -- over at AfterEllen today. But for now, how about we just revel in the night’s Wishful Lesbian Thinking moments? Sadly, there weren’t too many actual lesbian moments. Though (straight) filmmakers Cynthia Wade and Vanessa Roth did win Best Short Documentary for “Freeheld” about a lesbian couple’s fight to win survivorship benefits.

Sarah Polley & Julie ChristieLe sigh.

Penelope Cruz & Cate BlanchettOh, to be a fly on that wall.

Helen MirrenLeave it to that Dame to find a stripper pole on the red carpet.

Marlee MatlinHey, where’s Bette?

Ellen & PortiaFinally, a couple we don’t have to be “wishful” about.

Click on over to AfterEllen later today for more Oscary goodness.