Tank Top Tuesday

Oh, Tuesdays. People always complain about Mondays, what with it being the first day of the week and on Garfield’s mug and all. But Tuesdays, Tuesdays are the real killer. Tuesdays are still too many days away from Friday, but without the excusable grumpiness cache that Monday carries. Plus, all the really boring meetings happen on Tuesdays because managers figure everyone who calls in “sick” on Mondays should actually be in by then. Hell, Tuesdays even make Charlize Theron scream – and not in the good way. So that, that’s why we must fight back the Tuesdays with everything we have. Some use a gun, others a sword. I, of course, never come armed without the best Tuesday killer possible: tank tops. Just doing my part, folks. Just doing my part.

Naomi WattsI can’t tell if I’m more impressed by the tank, the shoes or this pose. So I’m going to answer, “Yes.”

Thora BirchWhere’d she go? And wherever she went, I hope she’s still a redhead.

Scarlett JohanssonIf all her contracts don’t have a tank top clause, they should.

Aubrey PlazaAre you still not watching “Parks & Recreation” yet? Don’t make me scold you again.

Maggie QFine, this isn’t “technically” a tank top. But it’s got straps and fabric down the front, so I’m claiming it.

Padma LakshmiI miss “Top Chef” so much. And by “Top Chef,” I mean “Padma.”

Gwyneth PaltrowI miss her on “Glee,” too. But on the plus side, perhaps this means fewer Mr. Shue storylines.

Leisha Hailey, Kate Moennig, Laurel HollomanOK, I miss them most of all. Not the storylines, per se, just them.

Sara RamirezDo you know how hard it is to find a picture of Sara in a tank top? I give and I give, Internet.

Right, so I think it’s safe to say we totally kicked Tuesday’s ass.

Keeping abreast

Hey, hey. My words. They’re up here. OK, so, yesterday my thought process went like this: “Write many things and then spruce them up with some pretty pictures.” But today, I know better. Today I’m going to stop fighting it and reverse the equation. Why? Because it’s 10 days until Christmas (or if you don’t celebrate Christmas, a nice long weekend). I think we all deserve to turn off our brains a bit. And, as evolution would have it, my theme for today’s post has a habit of turning off brains anyway. I’ll freely admit, I’m not really a breast gal. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’ve nice – no, really nice. But I can usually still make steady eye contact with a lady in spite her really nice rack. Not that I don’t enjoy a peek now and then. There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a pity to not stare at these. [Though your work might think otherwise, so tastefully – that means no nip – NSFW.]

Scarlett JohanssonSo she is single now. So, you know – hey, girl.

Christina HendricksLike I could leave her off this list. Pshaw.

Anna FrielSize doesn’t matter.

Julianne MooreI can’t say this enough: This woman is FIFTY.

BeyoncéIt’s kind of not fair being both bootylicious and boobylicious.

Anne HathawayAnne is totally laughing at my boobylicious joke.

Dita von TeeseMatching one’s cleavage to one’s jacket is truly a lost art form.

RihannaIf she really was the only girl in the world, that would be a shame because we wouldn’t be able to look at her.

Blake LivelyIs it just me, or does that look uncomfortable?

Salma HayekWhen she arrives to vacation on small South Pacific islands the villagers always notice an abrupt change in the tidal patterns which subsist immediately after she leaves once again. They have yet to determine what is causing the additional orbital pull. Ahem.

Lynda Carter/Wonder WomanThe Wonder Boobs were responsible for untold numbers of nascent lesbian experiences.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Mind the Gap

I wasn’t going to have a Gender Fuck Thursday this week. But then Padma showed up in a suit and tie on “Top Chef” and I had no choice. I am powerless against such hotness. Crippled, even. But Padma’s suiting up also presents an excellent opportunity to talk about fit. In particular, I want to talk about how suits fit if you are, say, a tad busty. Now the thing about suits and menswear in general is, well, they were made originally for men. And men, by and large, don’t have great racks. So when a woman with the aforementioned fantastic phenomena puts on a suit, something happens. Tailoring, therefore, is key. One doesn’t want it to be too loose or too tight. Improperly tailored menswear creates too much unfortunate gapping. Though, admittedly, sometimes gapping is a good thing – a very, very good thing.

Padma LakshmiShe looked like a fancy maître d’. A hot, fancy fancy maître d’.
[SPOILER: Total bullshit about [PKYAGed person] going home, total.]
p.s. In all fairness, I did use SPOILER in the post, people. And I do not have "cuts" on this blog.

Angelina JolieRemember when I said gapping was good? I was not wrong.

Scarlett JohanssonChoice of proper under suit shirt is essential. Well done, Scarlett.

Dita Von TeeseHer tailor deserves a raise, possibly a medal.

Janet JacksonThe double-breasted suit takes on a whole new meaning on ladies.

Maggie GyllenhaalSometimes perfectly avoidable gapping should not be avoided. This is one of those times.

Salma HayekButtoning all the buttons is, admittedly, tricky.

Christina HendricksSpeaking of buttons, I fear for this one’s life. And ours, if we’re standing directly in front of Christina. But, oh, what sweet death.

Tank Top Tuesday

The beauty of the tank top is multifold. Form-fitting, sheer, cool, hot, practical, clingy. It is many things in many ways to many people. But one of its near-magical qualities is its ability to transform the wearer. It’s not about looks, though it does look great, but more about attitude. Sometimes when a woman puts on a tank top her shoulders straighten, her jaw sets, her eyes focus. She has a swagger. She no longer cares about being soft. In short, she butches up a bit. It’s hot as hell. Don’t believe me? Well, that’s why I always bring along photographic evidence.

Jennifer Garner
Cote de Pablo
Scarlett Johansson
Cate Blanchett
Olivia Wilde
Laura Sanchez
Clea DuVall
Rosario DawsonI rest my case.

Pucker up

They say when it rain it pours, but this is ridiculous. You go days, weeks, months without any good, tasty lesbianish happenings and then – BOOM – a ton of them blow up all at once. We’ve got Sandra Bullock kissing Scarlett Johansson at the MTV Movie Awards for no other reason than it’s hot to kiss Scarlett Johansson. Somewhere Meryl Streep is seething with jealousy. Then we’ve got Ruby Rose and Kim Stolz tweeting what everyone else’s gaydar already told them: Kristen Stewart seems mighty gay. Their tweets were followed by adorable Twitter death threats from Twihard wingnuts who think calling KStew (forevermore affectionately redubbed GayStew) a lesbian is slander. It’s not, kids. Also, vampires aren’t real. And finally we’ve got little Miley Cyrus air kissing a female dancer and then blowing her defense of the act by saying because their lips didn’t touch that she “did nothing wrong.” Once more with feeling: Kissing girls isn’t “wrong” or “bad” or “slanderous.” It’s just awesome. Also, did you know Cybill Shepherd has another lesbian daughter (scroll to the end)? I know! It’s totally pouring. And I’m probably missing something.

So amid this downpour I have only one thing to say: Look, straight (and gayish) ladies who want to publicly (or secretly) make out with other ladies – cool it. I’m going on vacation tomorrow for two weeks. Don’t do all your gay stuff while I’m gone and therefore can’t comment snarkily on it. I don’t want to miss all the ridiculousness. Well, OK, I could do with a little less ridiculous in some cases. I mean, what the hell was that Sandy-ScarJo kiss all about anyway? While I’m not complaining about the act itself (a refresher, girls kissing is always awesome). But I am complaining about the reasoning. For laughs? For the straight boys? For attention? Jezebel has a great rundown of the reasoning for each instant of straight-girl on straight-girl smooching. Sure, this trend of fauxmosexual snogs is good for a giggle and to fuel our most feverish wishful thinking. And ultimately, I don’t think it really hurts us – in a strange way may help normalize the concept. But call me when the real homosexuals show up. What can I say, I like my kisses to count.

Gender Fuck Thursday

Oh, kittens, kittens. Look what madness you have wrought. Another day dedicated to the singular pursuit of The Hot. You asked for it, and now you've got it. Gender Fuck Thursday is here. I've officially added it to the Surrenders vernacular, just for you. Now don't expect it every week, but just like Tank Top Tuesday it will pop up when you need it most. We’re here, we’re queer and we love a woman in a suit. Or a tank top (like Linda “Double Your Pleasure” Evangelista, above). Or anything else that fucks with the traditionally feminine. Mmmm, tasty tasty androgyny.

Evangeline LillyBeyoncéCate BlanchettDita Von TeeseScarlett JohanssonDita & ScarlettOh, that's why they needed the cigarettes.

Naked Lady Monday...on Wednesday

In honor of Seattle's Naked Gal, and without regard to the actual day of the week, how about another edition of Naked Lady Monday? Yes, yes, I know it's Wednesday. But they don't call it “hump” day for nothing. Know what I mean? Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Say no more. But, just because we're talking about nakedness and humping doesn't mean we can't remain dignified doing so. And I've always thought a nicely placed black & white classes up a joint, don't you?

Mia KirshnerA woman in bed covered only by rumpled sheets is the very definition of good morning.

Alicia KeysAlicia Keys, Man Ray. Man Ray, Alicia Keys.

Aisha TylerMy, what great...posture you have.

Mary-Louise ParkerThe fetal position is now my new favorite position.

Dita Von Teese & Scarlett JohanssonHello, sudden surge of lesbians taking ballroom dance lessons.

Jenny Shimizu & FriendNever mind size, it's Shimizu that really matters.

Naomi WattsNow that's my kind of bodice ripper.

Sara RamirezFine, she isn't naked. Somehow I don't think you mind.

Isabella Rossellini & Friend

Obviously, they're playing charades and acting out the phrase “suit rack.” Ahem.