Not so Golden

So the Golden Globes: The Press Conference pretty much -- how can I put this delicately? -- sucked. Huge suckage. Major suckage. Epic suckage. I watched the Access Hollywood-ified version with -- shudder -- Billy Bush and Nancy O’Dell. Or, more accurately, I had the TV muted and just peeked up as each winner’s name flashed onscreen. With no stars or acceptance speeches, this was really the best and only way to watch and not feel the sudden urge to bang your head repeatedly against the nearest solid, heavy object. Like, say, a door. Or the wall. Or you’re your brand-new copy of season one of “30 Rock.” (Yes, Amanda, I will shamelessly shill this DVD until everyone on the planet finally clues in and decides to WATCH THIS SHOW. Not that I have strong feelings about it or anything…)

Right, sorry, tangent. The glam-less Globes were the biggest, blaring reminder to date that we need a swift (but fair) end to the writers strike. Like now. Like yesterday. As if the dwindling and disappearance of new episodes of all of our favorite shows wasn’t enough incentive, this joy-free anti-ceremony means we were deprived of the most entertaining (thanks largely to the free and free-flowing booze) award show of the year.

Top three things we were deprived of seeing because of the roll-call Globes:
3. Johnny Depp’s acceptance speech. He’d never won one before in seven tries. Also, he’s dreamy. What? I can have a mancrush.
2. Glenn Close’s acceptance speech. Wouldn’t it have been fantastic if she’d done it in character as Patty Hewes? Perhaps whipped out a dog collar and then said, “Good thing I won. Sorry about Fido, Edie Falco, I was just covering my bases.”
1. Tina Fey’s acceptance speech. Curse you, producers, curse you.

Other winners who made me happy: Cate Blanchett, Marion Cotillard and Julie Christie. See the full list here and dream about what they coulda/shoulda/woulda worn in your head. But David Duchovny over Alec Bladwin and zero love for “Juno,” what the fuck Hollywood Foreign Press?