SGALGG: Sucker Punch Edition

As counterintuitive as this may sound, there are considerably better ways to spend a Saturday night than with five hot girls in tiny shirts kicking ass. So, yeah, “Sucker Punch” is not a good movie. It’s a bad movie. And not good bad, but bad bad. It’s like they gave a 14-year-old videogame addict $82 million dollars and told him to go make the movie of his dreams. Except they told him he wasn’t allowed to show nudity or sex. So he made up for it with more samurais and more robots and more dragons and more zombie German soldiers. Oh, and a lot of threats of rape. Sigh. Also thanks to all the slo-mo CGI green screenery, I never noticed how short Emily is. She’s a good head shorter than all her co-stars. She’s practically elfin. Has anyone checked her ears?

Of course, none of this complaining about the film is meant in any way to disparage the movie’s lovely leading ladies. Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung and Carla Gugino are very lovely. In fact, I think I might have enjoyed the film more on mute, just to gaze at their loveliness and forget the huge fucking mess around them. Still, I am grateful to the movie for bringing these delightful women together, and giving them the opportunity to do their best Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals renditions at the film’s premiere last week. In short, save the 10 bucks and just enjoy the eye candy here. You can always make your own popcorn at home.

Carla & EmilySqueeze a little tighter, darling. It’s working.

Emily & VanessaSo that’s why she broke up with Zac.

Abbie & EmilySignature short-girl second base move. Trust me, I’m short.

Emma Roberts, Emily & some girl who went for itHey, you’ve got to take your shots when you see them.

Vanessa & JenaNo, wait, clearly this is why she broke up with Zac.

Jamie & AbbieWhatever Abbie is doing, Jamie likes it.

Abbie & CarlaSomewhere Ryan Phillippe is seething.

Malin Akerman & CarlaHer ex-costars keep coming back for more snuggle time.

CarlaAnd now we know why.

Read my full “Sucker Punch” review on AfterEllen.

You must be this tall to ride

Here’s a little-known fact about Jodie Foster – she is part garden gnome. Now, I can say this as I myself am also part garden gnome. It’s a short thing. Still we of the small stature (and occasional pointy red hats) have assimilated amazingly well into normal society. Sure, sometimes we need to climb onto the shelving at Target to reach the toilet paper – seriously, do they need to put it that high? But otherwise we roam among the normal heighted with ease and confidence, oftentimes blissfully unaware of our inherent height inequity. That is until we have to take a picture. And then, alas, then it becomes all too clear. We’re garden gnomes and everyone else is gardeners. Jodie, honey, I feel your pain. And I, too, have an inordinate amount of step-stools in my house. Your secret is safe with me. I would never share all the rare photographic evidence of I’ve collected of “Gnomie” Foster mingling in the wild with the tall, tall world. Oh, wait.

Jodie & Olivia WildeI wonder how many mountain oxen Jodie dreamed of strangling while in Olivia’s towering presence.

Jodie & Kathryn BigelowWell, this isn’t even fair. Her name is BIGelow.

Jodie & Julia RobertsJodie seems to be fearfully eyeballing Julia to make sure she doesn’t step on her.

Jodie & Sigourney WeaverSigourney is clearly wishing her dress had pockets so she could put Jodie in hers and take her home.

Jodie & Queen LatifahEvery queen needs her noble gnome.

Jodie & Goldie HawnTall blonde.

Jodie & Melanie GriffithTaller blonde.

Jodie & Daryl HannahTallest blonde – though perfect eye-to-bust height.

Jodie & Sharon StoneSharon clearly has a gnome fetish.

Jodie & Kristen StewartShe played her young daughter, now taller.

Jodie & Jena MaloneShe played her younger self, now taller.

Jodie & Tom CruiseCome on, she even makes Tom Cruise look giant.

Jodie & Holly HunterFinally, Jodie is among her kind.

We garden gnomes are a proud people. But, yes, we will let you help up get that bowl off the top shelf.

Tank Top Tuesday

Sometimes, I don’t have a theme. Sometimes there are just women who look so fucking amazing wearing a tank top that I have to post them. It would be a crime not to. This is one of those sometimes. No deep thoughts, just deeply hot. You know, like our friend Yvonne Strahovski or, more accurately, StraHOTski. You’ve been warned.

Julianne MooreWith both “Chloe” and “The Kids Are All Right” coming out this year, it’s time we had her Honorary Lesbian Hot Plate bronzed.

Missy PeregrymI’m not sure if this is really a tank top. Close enough.

Lisa EdelsteinGod, imagine if the “House” writers had created Cuteen instead of Huddy or, yawn, Snoreteen Foreteen.

Charlotte Gainsbourg

Lady drummers are hot. Always, always hot.

Aishwarya Rai

Hooray for Bollywood.

Malin AkermanI still haven’t seen “Watchmen.” Now I feel doubly bad about this.

Kelly HuI think being able to do this with your leg is illegal in 18 states.

Jena MaloneSomething for the younger folks, since I still vividly remember her playing the child-version of Jodie Foster in “Contact.” But she is 25 now so, you know, daaamn.

Zoe SaldanaTank? Check. Tats? Check. Piercings? Check. Gun? Check. Do you not even care what this movie is about as long as you can see Zoe in her tank with tats, piercings and a big-ass gun? Check.

No one knows my hair is a lesbian

Um, whoa. When did Jena Malone's hair become a lesbian? Seriously, after seeing these shots of her at the “Tropic Thunder” premiere earlier this week, the only assumption one can accurately make is that her locks have officially come out and are currently in their rebellious, I-can-get-a-tattoo-if-I-want-to-mom-and-oh-this-is-my-girlfriend-and-we-totally-have-sex phase. Dare we dream that it's more than just her tresses surfing in the Sapphic waters? As reader Moom put it, “When did Jena Malone get so dykey hot?” Now there is a question for the ages. [Hat tip, Moom!]

Of course, our collective hairdar could be off given Jena's recent display of rock star inclinations. Indeed, last year Jena debuted her band Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains. I have to say, I didn't love the band name. It was more ewwwsome than awesome. She has since abandoned the Bloodstains and started the new band, The Shoe, on her new indie record label, There Was An Old Woman Records. Get it, she lived in a...oh, you get it. The Shoe's Myspace page says they sound like, “If you opened a tin box and found a tiny children's circus living inside.” I'm going to go on record and say that if I opened a tin box and found a tiny children's circus living inside I would be mightily freaked out.

But, back to what's really important, namely That Hair. Jena's homosexual rocker tendencies have been building in the last year. A quick peruse of the many hairstyles of Malone reveals a young woman who has kept her stylist in Prada.

Now I've harbored warm, fuzzy, age-appropriate feelings for Jena since her “Bastard Out of Carolina,” “Contact” and especially “Saved!” days. Sweet fancy Jesus, how fucking fantastic was “Saved!”? I am FILLED with Christ's love! Jena has been and continues to be a prodigiously talented actress who I see following in the Lili Taylor school of indie acting. Sure earlier this year she made a pit stop into horror shlockland with “The Ruins.” But, a girl's got to pay the bills, you know.

Speaking of “The Ruins,” Jena attended the premiere this week with her co-star from that film Laura Ramsey. Is it just me, or are they totally working a yin-yang look on the red carpet. Their outfits are mirror opposites. Laura is all goodness and light. Jenna is all darkness and destruction.

What, me, read too much into things? Things like, oh – I don't know, a haircut? Never.

p.s. Thanks, babs, this is indeed a totally honorary installment of SGALGG. Now if only there was more SGALGGy action going on between Jena and Laura. What can I say, I'm a dreamer.