You must be this tall to ride

Here’s a little-known fact about Jodie Foster – she is part garden gnome. Now, I can say this as I myself am also part garden gnome. It’s a short thing. Still we of the small stature (and occasional pointy red hats) have assimilated amazingly well into normal society. Sure, sometimes we need to climb onto the shelving at Target to reach the toilet paper – seriously, do they need to put it that high? But otherwise we roam among the normal heighted with ease and confidence, oftentimes blissfully unaware of our inherent height inequity. That is until we have to take a picture. And then, alas, then it becomes all too clear. We’re garden gnomes and everyone else is gardeners. Jodie, honey, I feel your pain. And I, too, have an inordinate amount of step-stools in my house. Your secret is safe with me. I would never share all the rare photographic evidence of I’ve collected of “Gnomie” Foster mingling in the wild with the tall, tall world. Oh, wait.

Jodie & Olivia WildeI wonder how many mountain oxen Jodie dreamed of strangling while in Olivia’s towering presence.

Jodie & Kathryn BigelowWell, this isn’t even fair. Her name is BIGelow.

Jodie & Julia RobertsJodie seems to be fearfully eyeballing Julia to make sure she doesn’t step on her.

Jodie & Sigourney WeaverSigourney is clearly wishing her dress had pockets so she could put Jodie in hers and take her home.

Jodie & Queen LatifahEvery queen needs her noble gnome.

Jodie & Goldie HawnTall blonde.

Jodie & Melanie GriffithTaller blonde.

Jodie & Daryl HannahTallest blonde – though perfect eye-to-bust height.

Jodie & Sharon StoneSharon clearly has a gnome fetish.

Jodie & Kristen StewartShe played her young daughter, now taller.

Jodie & Jena MaloneShe played her younger self, now taller.

Jodie & Tom CruiseCome on, she even makes Tom Cruise look giant.

Jodie & Holly HunterFinally, Jodie is among her kind.

We garden gnomes are a proud people. But, yes, we will let you help up get that bowl off the top shelf.

Grace notes

Hey, did you know Holly Hunter was back on TV? You might have missed it, what with TNT being all mysteriously hush-hush about it returning for four new episodes this month. [Thanks for the reminder, Dame Rhetorica!] “Saving Grace” is back and came in like a hurricane. Sorry, make that a tornado. I can’t say last night’s episode was my favorite. The God works in mysterious ways metaphor was a little, make that a lot, heavy handed and the story felt disjointed. Grace is working on a case about a bus crash that killed several children when a twister came and tore her investigation asunder. And then she tries to save a woman trapped in the wreckage from the storm named Dorothy (played by Mary Kay Place, see you knew you recognized her). Things didn’t work out so well, but still, I had to chuckle. This makes the second show I’m watching that involved tornadoes and a character called Dorothy. Is the universe trying to tell me something?

Regardless last night’s overly divine intervention, I’m going to check remaining three episodes of “Saving Grace,” if for nothing else the magnificent Ms. Hunter. The series is an excellent showcase of her spectacular talents. [Click to enlarge, y’all.]

Like say, her cop arms:And her riding skills:And her pool prowess:And her all-around adorableness:Plus, does anyone else look at Holly and Laura San Giacomo and get an acute case of Wishful Lesbian Thinking?Oh, and, just in case that wasn’t enough to get you watching, how about these shots? Hey, that girl looks familiar.Catch Erin Daniels on the show Dec. 17. Now if only there was some way her character could go out for drinks with Grace and then one thing leads to another and, what do you know, handcuffs.

My Weekend Crush

I know, I know. Three posts on Holly Hunter in one week. I’m testing the patience of everyone here who does not have a thing for smart Southerners. Or women who talk endearing out of the sides of their mouths. Or women whose bodies are all sinew and steel. Or women who don’t mind getting handcuffed naked to beds. Me, I love all those qualities. A lot. I’ve been a fan of Holly’s since, as a young movie-going neophyte, I first saw her in that paradigm-shifting comedy “Raising Arizona” some 20 years ago. I distinctly remember leaving the theater and thinking, “Wow, what the hell was that? I liked it.” Since then she has been so good at what she does, that we have been lulled into thinking we know her. Her work seems less like acting and more like just her. Spunky. Funny. Tough. Every so slightly neurotic. But, then, that’s what the best actors do. They make us believe they are their roles. If I stop to think about it, I know very little about Holly Hunter the person. Her private life is just that. Which is how it should be. Holly does her talking on screen. And on screen, she is fearless. Still of all of her on-camera qualities, I have to believe that one is true even when they stop rolling. Happy weekend, all.

Smile pretty

Warning: NSFW. In fact, I should have called it Naked Lady Thursday. Or, more precisely, Holly Hunter Hotness. Anyway, my point is that if you scroll down with bosses/teachers/parents/ anyone who does not appreciate the nude female form on a computer screen nearby, there could be trouble. Moving on.

So, the television gods smiled on me and I received this week’s “Saving Grace” episode yesterday. You know what that means? Holly Hunter naked screencaps! I know, I know. I am a cheeky monkey. I never claimed to be above prurient interests. I also never claimed to be above drooling. So with that, I’ll just shut up and let Holly’s exquisitely toned form (I mean it, I don’t think she had enough body fat to make a pat of butter) do the rest of the talking. Did I mention you can catch the encore tonight on TNT? (Click to enlarge the hotness, I won’t tell anyone.)

p.s. Check out Dame Rhetorica’s thoughtful list of reasons why we should all watch “Saving Grace.” Damn, I wish I had read that before this week. I might have clued in a lot sooner.

I’m a believer

Hello? [Tap, tap] This thing on? [Crickets] Wow, not into Kate’s bum self-portrait I guess. Hmm, well how about Holly Hunter’s real-life bum? I must admit, I haven’t exactly been following “Saving Grace.” While I love Holly Hunter, I wasn’t terribly impressed by the pilot or its touched-by-a-good-ol’-boy-angel premise, and skipped it in favor of the razor-sharp moral jigsaw of “Damages.” (Not that they’re on at the same time, but I can only add so many new shows and still get in my required four hours of Food Network each night…I’m kidding…sort of.) Now, people have told me that “Saving Grace” improved considerably after the premiere, but I still wasn’t compelled to give it another go.

But then last night I was flipping channels and, well, Holly Hunter’s ass made me a believer. After last night’s episode it’s safe to say that I’ve been converted. The scene opened with Grace in the midst of a bedroom romp. It ended with her handcuffed to the bedpost, naked as the day she was born. And, yes, we see the full monty. Well, the full backside monty. Thank you TNT, my new favorite network. Sadly, I couldn’t get the technical wizardry together to get you a screencap. But, needless to say, Holly works out. (Catch the repeat at 8 p.m. Thursday on TNT, and don’t tune in late or you’ll miss the best part.)

Actually, the whole episode was quite intriguing. It involved a crime from Grace’s past, murder, redemption, handcuffs, tabouli. What’s not to love? And it reminded me that while I may not be totally sold on the “God has plans for you” concept, a great actress and smart writing can overcome whatever spiritual misgivings one might have. Also, a nice butt shot doesn’t hurt either.

On the road

What do a lesbian road trip, a severed head and a briefcase full of plaster penises have in common? I’ll give you a minute. Still thinking? Would it help if I said it was an Oscar-winning screenwriter? Didn’t think so. All these divergent components unite in the new project by Ethan Cohen (half of the acclaimed Coen Brothers team behind “Fargo” and “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”) titled “Drive-Away Dykes.” Yes, you read that right.

Let me also assure you about the veracity of the next sentence. The film is billed as a naughty lesbian road-trip action comedy that includes all of the above ingredients plus “plenty of boyless sex.“ The plot follows the wild road trip shenanigans of a “skirt-chasing party girl“ and her “buttoned-down friend.” But plot-schmot, did I mention the plenty of boyless sex part?

The L.A. Times reports that Allison Anders (“Gas Food Lodging,“ “Four Rooms”) is attached to direct. No word on the stars yet, but the names Holly Hunter and Selma Blair have been bandied about. Well, Selma already had the hair for it. I think the film’s tagline says it all: “Women on the road. All kinds of action.”