Bite Me

I have a thing for vampires, this is no secret. The fangs, the biting, the immortality. That’s one sexy combo. It helps that lady vampires are being portrayed right now on screen – both big and small – by some very attractive actresses. So with Halloween approaching, I thought we’d pay tribute to these toothsome talents. But why mindlessly ogle when you can make it a cutthroat competition? Let’s sink our teeth into the beautiful bloodsuckers from the three biggest vampire series out currently (“True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries” and the “Twilight” saga) and see which group tastes the best.

TRUE BLOOD

PamHot, blonde and into chicks.

Sophie-AnneHot, ginger and into chicks.

JessicaHot, ginger and not into chicks, but I would happily spend an eternity trying to convert her.

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

KatherineEvil, but has a good doppelganger so, you know, kind of the best of both worlds.

CarolineI like her so much better as a vampire than a human, is that wrong?

IsobelWe all knew Jenny Schecter was a vampire already, this is just more upfront about it.

TWILIGHT

Esme and Alice CullenDoes the fact that they’re not really mother and daughter makes it any less creepy that I think they make a nice looking couple? OK, still no.

RosalieI’m just going to say it, I don’t like Nikki Reed as a blonde.

JaneDoes the fact that her character is, like, 1,000 years old make it any less creepy that she is actually 16? OK, still no.

So, which lady vamps do it for you? Who sucks the least, figuratively? Or the most, literally? Yes, I know I went there with all the bad puns. Bite me.

Cherry Bombs

I’m not going to lie, I’m excited about this movie. Will it meet expectations, I hope so. Are Dakota, Kristen & company as bad-ass as Cherie, Joan & company? Well that’s not even physically possible. But I give them an A for effort. I mean, it can’t be easy having to both look, act and sing like the real Runaways. A look and listen below at both the real and Memorex in action. Ch-ch-ch-choose your favorite.

The Runaways, Circa 2010


The Runaways, Circa 1976

My Weekend Crush

Now, I don’t want this taken the wrong way. Dakota Fanning is 15. That’s a 1 and a 5 and that is way too young for any kind of funny business whatsoever. This is not that kind of crush, so banish the thought. Banish. Instead I’m just enormously impressed with this wee lass who we’ve watched go from an adorably precocious tyke to an impressively precocious teenager. It’s refreshing to see someone grow up without the seemingly requisite starlet drama. And now as she is poised to step into the high-heeled boots of Cherie Currie in “The Runaways,” I’m flat-out floored. We already know that Dakota, Kristen and company certainly look the part. But I still I had plenty of doubts about fresh-faced Dakota donning a bustier and cherry bombing her way into rock history as a member of the seminal all-girl band. But after seeing this first clip of her – all attitude and eye rolls – I think she might just make the movie. Look, I know all the gay girls swoon over K-Stew. But biting one’s lower lip does not a Joan Jett make. Not that I’ve given up hope for her to power chord her way to infamy, too. But it’s Dakota who surprises me the most. I know it’s only rock and roll but I think I’m going to like Dakota in it. A lot. Happy weekend, all.

I love rock 'n' roll

You know, I’m officially excited for this movie now. I was worried; I still have worries. But this first photo from “The Runaways” (formerly “Cherry Bomb”) is so fucking fierce that I don’t care. I just want to go to there. Immediately. It’s not necessarily the hot girls – though they are hot and, I might add, very much girls (Dakota is 15, FIFTEEN!) – but the rock and roll attitude. It oozes from that photo. It makes me want to pick up a guitar – or lick one. But most of all, it makes me want to revel in the awesome that is Joan Jett and Cherie Currie.

Holy shit, those girls were bad ass.

OK, now I’m worried again. How the fuck can Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning ever, ever, ever be that rock and roll? Answer: They can’t. But they sure might look good trying.

p.s. Good luck looking as good as Joan Jett when you’re 51, Kristen. I think that woman made her own Robert Johnson-like deal at the crossroads. She hasn’t aged a damn day. And, yes, Joan still gets more chicks than all of us. This is just a fact.

p.p.s. The movie will be released in March 19.
p.p.p.s. And, yes, the kiss is happening.
p.p.p.p.s. Oh, and then there is this.

Cherry (let’s hope it’s not a) Bomb

So, I really don’t know all that much about Kristen Stewart. I know she was in a movie I never saw about some sparkly chaste vampire. I know she looked eerily like a young Jodie Foster when she was 12. And I know she sets off all sorts of bells and whistles and alarms on some people’s ‘dar. But, given my limited exposure to her work (tabloid covers don’t count), I can’t share a certain demographic’s instaswoon when it comes to all things K-Stew.

But what I do know is that I love Joan Jett and The Runaways. And, given the current crop of pretty young things, I guess I’m OK with her selection as Our Lady of the Jett Black Hair for the new biopic on the seminal all-girl rock band. Christ, imagine if Megan Fox was picked to play Saint Joan? Shudder. To. Think. Also, am I the only one who thinks she is looking very Shane today?

Granted, when you see the Real vs. Memorex side-by-side, Kristen clearly needs to work on her swagger. Also, does Joan ever fucking age? Holy crap, what devil did she make a pact with and where can I sign? I’d even happily sign on to be a minion.

Then there’s also the business of formerly precocious tot Dakota Fanning playing Cherie Currie. Kristen and Dakota side-by-side look kind of like they’re orphans at the scruffy waif mall instead of teenage sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll machines. I mean, when you’re about as big as your guitar can you really bring the noise?

Sure, Cherie was 15 when she joined the band and Dakota is 15 now. But, um, I hope she’s a quick study in bad-assery.

Well, I guess we’ll find out if both gals can pull it off in 2010. But, for now, I’m going to try to keep an open mind and optimistic attitude about this project.

If nothing else, we can always just revel in the real thing.

Yeah, good luck rocking that garter belt, Dakota.