The wolf shall dwell with the lamb

I know that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but this is ridiculous. Why is Amanda Seyfried posing with so many barnyard animals in Elle magazine? What is happening? Is this some high fashion version of Animal Farm? I hope she’s not allergic. Does anyone have Zyrtec? I think it’s just supposed to be quite literally a representation of spring. But it’s kind of weirding me out. Like I’m getting a strange Silence of the Lambs feel. Is she going to eat any of those animals? Someone call PETA. I have so many questions that do not involve what the photo editor no doubt intended, which was, “Aw, look at the cute baby animals.”

On a somewhat unrelated note, I recently watched “Jennifer’s Body” for the first time. I’m not really a horror film person (and by “not really” I mean “I’m a big wuss”) so it took me a while. But I have to say, it was OK. I mean, there were some problematic plot points. But it didn’t seem like a 40-something percent Tomatoes Meter movie. But then, I’m prone to like films with female leads, even when one of them is a flesh-eating demon.

Though what surprised me most about the film (though, I guess from a crass marketing perspective it is gold) was the intense relationship between Needy and Jennifer. Of course, I’d seen The Kiss (which, come on, hot). But what was more interesting was Jennifer’s real connection to Needy. While non-demonified, it seemed Needy (hello, her name) was the more dependent in the friendship, but AS (After Sacrifice) Jennifer is really the one clinging to whatever they had. And (Spoilers: Jesus, do I need them for a two-year-old movie?) once that tie is broken completely she sort of gives up. Yes, there were the unfortunate “teenage girls are evil” overtones. But there’s a pretty fascinating feminist film theory paper in there somewhere. Also, Megan Fox looks good in tight jeans. What? I’m human.

And while we’re on the topic of Amanda Seyfried, can I just say she’s a surprisingly good singer. I’m totally ashamed to admit that I haven’t seen “Mamma Mia!” yet, which makes absolutely no sense because I love ABBA, Meryl Streep and beautiful Greek islands. But I haven’t. And so I missed out on her singing. But having caught a couple of the clips on YouTube, you can’t really tell because the songs are produced to a polish. But when you hear her acoustic? Wow. She has a nice timber to her voice. It’s lovely, sexy, lovely some more. And she plays guitar – that’s a weakness of mine. Like, did you know she wrote this song for the “Dear John” soundtrack, which is probably the only good thing to come out of a Tatum Channing collaboration?

I know I was ragging on some other actor-singers last week (cough, still J-LO, cough), but Amanda can go off and record a record whenever she wants. She just released a cover of Sam the Sham & The Pharoahs’ “L’il Red Riding Hood,” which in turn is possibly the only good thing to come out of that critically lambasted fairy tale.

Seriously, she made the languidly lecherous vibe of this dirty ditty sound slyly seductive. And watching her sing the praises of full lips. Yes, please. See, Elle magazine, you posed Amanda with the wrong animals. That girl is a wolf.

Face Time

I’ve come to the startling realization that I have a disease. I’m not sure if it’s curable, I’m not sure if it’s contagious. I’m pretty sure it isn’t recognized by the American Medical Association (though, man, it should be). My affliction, my sickness, my curse? I’ve got Chronic Screencappers Disease. I can’t watch a movie or TV show on my laptop without screencapping it. If you need to see further evidence of its symptoms, just check out my “Rizzoli & Isles” screencap folders.

This, of course, makes a relaxing night of watching a movie more difficult. I’ve found I’m not overcome with the affliction while watching TV or DVDs on my regular TV. But the urge to open up Photoshop is too strong when I’m watching something on my computer. Like last night, when I finally saw “Chloe.” Now, I can’t really recommend the movie for its plot. Its last half hour devolves into a ridiculous mish-mash of “Single White Instinct” proportions.

Though I can recommend the movie for its shear eye candy. Because, let’s be honest, “Chloe” is just 96 minutes of unapologetic wallowing in the face porn of Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried. Granted, you can’t really blame director Atom Egoyan for luxuriating his lens on these lovely ladies. They’ve got the kind of bone structure that were born to be projected two-stories high on the big screen. As such, a good half of the movie is tight shots of their faces. There are also a few choice close-up of other areas. But, you know, it’s a workday.

The plot, such that it is, involves Julianne hiring high-class call girl Amanda to seduce her husband (Liam Neeson) whom she suspects is cheating. And then it kind of turns that hooker with a heart of gold trope from “Pretty Woman” inside out. (Spoiler Alert: Also, dude, they totally do it.)

So this is when my illness works to your benefit. Because of the aforementioned Chronic Screencapper Disease and because of the aforementioned face porn, I will now share the bounty of my sickness with you. Please enjoy.

OK, fine, I’ll post one NSFW one. But remember, NSFW, so scroll down at your own peril. And by peril I mean yum.

The funniest, truest review I read of this film came from The Daily Beast which contains this perfect line: “Julianne Moore can act with her bosom.” She really can, kittens. She really can.

EDIT: Since you asked so nicely, here goes. If you don’t have a DVD program that takes screenshots automatically, you can follow these four simple steps to Basic Screencapping 101 on a PC. 1) Pause DVD/video on the scene you want to cap. 2) Press the “Print Screen” (PRTSC) button. 3) Open Photoshop (or MS Paint in a pinch). 4) Click “New,” then “Image from clipboard” (just click “Paste” in MS Paint). And, voila. You can crop and run it through various filters, but that right there is a screencap, friends. So now I’ve infected you all with the disease. Bwahahaha!

SG*ALGG: Oscar Edition

Hey, lots of pretty ladies in lots of pretty dresses hugged each other last night! Oh, and they also handed out some awards. And some really pretty ladies in really pretty dresses won them! Really, the theme for the night was, “Go pretty ladies in pretty dresses!” Or, slightly less reductive, “Hooray for women in entertainment who have reached the pinnacle of their professional careers all the while breaking down barriers and making history.” In pretty dresses. And with that, it’s time for the very special Oscar edition of Straight Gals* Acting Like Gay Gals. (*With the exception of Jodie, of course. Also, jury’s still out on K-Stew. Edit: And, I know, they played mom and daughter. All of this is clearly make believe.)

Tina Fey & Elizabeth BanksElizabeth looks a little like she pulled down the left strap to Tina’s dress. I like how she thinks.

Oprah & Gabourey SidibeIf Oprah’s hand was one inch closer, Gayle would be sooo jealous.

Jennifer Lopez & Demi MooreMostly Demi is just a Straight Gal Acting Like a Drunk Gal. But that’s how many a SGALGG moment starts off. Remember college?

Meryl Streep & Amy AdamsMeryl just asking a very pregnant Amy, “It’s not mine, is it?”

Meryl Streep & Sandra BullockSandy thanked, “my lover, Meryl” and called her “SUCH a good kisser.” So kiss her, you fool.

Sandra Bullock & Helen MirrenLook, Meryl, if you don’t kiss Sandy soon Helen will. You snooze, you lose.

Anna Kendrick & Sigourney WeaverSigourney has just told Anna how they would earn their Mile High Club membership if they were both “Up in the Air.”

Miley Cyrus & Amanda SeyfriedAmanda is letting Miley down easy here. A gal’s got to have standards, you know.

Rosario Dawson & Angie HarmonHow much do you want to jump in between that soon-to-be sandwich?

Barbra Streisand & Kathryn BigelowBarbra to Kathryn: “Darling, you’re like buttah.”

Hilary Swank & Rashida JonesNothing SGALGG-y here, just thought the GGs reading might enjoy the fact that both these ladies mistakenly thought they were going to the Golden Globes. Ahem.

Kristen Stewart & Jodie FosterLover’s quarrel.

For a more comprehensive (rather than “oooh, pretty!”) look at the Oscars, check out my post at AfterEllen today.

Red delicious

Look, I know things probably don’t end well here. While I haven’t seen the French film “Nathalie” on which “Chloe” is based, I’m aware that the various couplings the characters find themselves entwined in are not – shall we say – ideal. But at this exact moment, none of that matters. Nor does the 25 year age difference between Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore. Nor do the probably less than good intentions behind these actions. Nope, mostly what matters is that these new production stills of Amanda and Julianne together are gorgeous. Delicious. Magnificent. Open thesaurus, point to “drool.”

The longer “The L Word” is off the air, the more I realize how much I crave lesbian content. Any kind of content. Even the kind of content where a long-term lesbian couple faces mid-life troubles when one partner begins an affair with a man content. This makes me feel a little sad for me. But mostly, it makes me sad for our entertainment landscape. I mean, is “The Real L Word” really all we have to look forward to on the horizon? Deep sigh. Man, I should really start watching “Skins.” Or just move to Britain.

Do you want me to seduce you

So, my suspicions have been confirmed. “Chloe” does look good, like mindfuck and the more, um, traditional kind of fuck good. From its first (and French) trailer, the Atom Egoyan drama featuring Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson and Amanda Seyfried is quite promising. And not just for the very special naked time Julianna and Amanda appear to spend together. [Note: That means its NSFW folks, so watch appropriately.]

Normally, I’m not that into the other woman kinds of thrillers (think “Obsessed,” otherwise known as the movie where Beyonce headbutts a bitch). But with a cast this caliber and Egoyan’s penchant for dark, thoughtful material, I’m sold. Granted, the aforementioned very special naked time does help.

And, as I also mentioned before, I’m excited about the chance to see Amanda be bad – as in “you’ve hired me to seduce your husband to catch him in an affair and report back on each encounter in increasingly graphic detail while I also seemingly get it on with you”-bad.

Even though I have a sneaking suspicion this will all end very badly, it’s going to be a heck of a ride getting there.

My Weekend Crush

If you judge a person by the company she keeps, then Amanda Seyfried is critically-acclaimed, funny and hot. Hmm, guess you can judge a person by the company she keeps. The 24-year-old actress has shared the screen with Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, Vanessa Redgrave, Robin Wright Penn, Holly Hunter, Tina Fey and Megan Fox. Granted, that last association is probably most notable for the kissing. In 2010 she has not one, not two, not three but four films coming out – “Chloe” (with Julianne), “Letters to Juliet” (with Vanessa), “Dear John” and “Marmaduke” (yes, as in the dog – they can’t all be award contenders).

There is an inherent sweetness behind those big eyes. But as much as they could out doe a doe, there is also a flicker underneath that speaks of so much more. I’m particularly looking forward to the new dramatic thrilled “Chloe.” First, it’s by Atom Egoyan whose movies are always arresting and was also one of the first to introduce the world to Mia Kirshner – and in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit no less. Second, it co-stars Julianne and Liam Neeson. Third, it stars Amanda as a prostitute who just might seduce them both. And finally, it’s got this poster. See what I was saying about a flicker? Happy weekend, all.

Plain White T’s

Well, what do you know? Another article of clothing has hijacked Tuesday. Of course, my undying admiration and adoration for tank tops goes on unabated. But every now and then, a gal just needs to mix it up a little. So today, let’s indulge instead in the uncomplicated splendor of the oversized dress white shirt. Some might call it a boyfriend shirt, I prefer to think of it as an ex-boyfriend shirt – very ex. So simple, so crisp, so delicious. Also, I love anything that unbuttons in the front.

Audrey TautouChristina HendricksLili TaylorNaomi WattsDita Von TeeseKate WinsletWinona RyderKristen Stewart, Blake Lively, Emma Roberts, Amanda Seyfried