Hello, Modern Lady

Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of American…ladies. My Fake Internet Girlfriend Sarah Haskins has passed her mantel as Funny Lady Business Commenter in Chief to new CurrentTV contributor Erin Gibson. The former “Target Women” host dropped by to give her blessings in the form of the Golden Tampon.

That must be that new model Tampax is testing: “The Niagra,” for those extra, extra, extra heavy flow days.

Erin’s new InfoMania segment is called “Modern Lady.” Her first women target, if you will (yes, I miss Sarah. So. Much.), is reality TV moms who want to pose for Playboy.

Granted, this is no “the funnest yogurt ever,” but it’s a start. I am a little concerned that Erin seems to be targeting the actual women themselves, as opposed to how Sarah targeted the products and media aimed at women. But it’s her first time so we will chalk it up to growing pains.

Erin posted a short video, to let viewers know what she’s all about.

Well, at least we have one thing in common: Neither of us believe in the sun. So, what do you think? A worthy successor to President Haskins? I can’t say she has my vote just yet, but I am willing to listen to her platform.

Last Target

I think my Fake Internet Girlfriend just broke up with me. Or, more accurately, she broke up with The Interwebs. Though, it’s possible we’re just on a break. Sarah Haskins has ended her very funny, very smart, very funny (no really, it bears repeating) series “Target Women” for Current. Yes, yes – tears, hair-pulling, possibly a little wailing. I am trying to be brave. But all is not lost, this will definitely not be the last we see of Sarah.

In an interview with Jezebel yesterday, Sarah talked about her pride in Target Women and her plans for the future. My Our gal has not one but two screenplays in the works: “Book Smarts” and “Lunch Lady” (the latter with Amy freaking Poehler attached). And she also has a webshort called “DILF” coming out soon. Now while I’m sure it’ll be hilarious, I’m less into hot dads and more into Sarah’s advice for picking up hot chicks. What? Who said these segments can’t be educational?

Alas, these are the last of Sarah’s little feminist funnies we’ll be seeing. I am happy to report that I’ve featured three of her four favorite episodes already: Cleaning, “Number Two” and Ann Curry. Ladyfriends is the only one I missed. But not anymore!

But before we let Sarah go to that better place (that being the land of successful Hollywood scriptwriters, not that “farm” your parents took Rover to when you were 8), let’s enjoy a little more of her excellent marksmanship.

Ready!


Aim!


Fire!

Oh, Sarah. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Thank God for yogurt.

p.s. And she even slipped a tank top in for Tuesday. My Fake Internet Ex-Girlfriend really is the best, isn’t she?

Sarah can do it

Another day, another chance to see what is happening with my Fake Internet Girlfriend Sarah Haskins. What? The judge said my hidden camera surveillance operation was “illegal” and “unconscionable” and whatever. So, this is the best I can do to keep updated on her life while remaining completely within the bounds of the restraining order. Sorry, what's that? Who is Sarah Haskins? You've never met my Fake Internet Girlfriend? Or maybe you feel like you've never been properly introduced? Well, here is a little primer for everyone on what all the fuss is about. p.s. 80s Sarah is totally a lez. What? I'm just saying.

There, now that we're all properly introduced, what else has Sarah been up to? Well, crying while watching Lifetime television on The Internet Machine, of course. Sheesh, who hasn't?

I'm totally going to start incorporating a little snap, crackle and pop into my daily haircare routine.

Of course, I was somewhat less pleased to find out that Sarah was dating. Though, after watching her night with some stiff named Ken, I'm fairly certain that I still have a shot. Hey, the wrong kind of genitalia is better than no genitalia at all, right?

Of course, if Sarah is going to imaginary step out on me, then I can imaginary step out on her with yet another of Current TV's offerings, the new series SuperNews. It's not cheating if you're honest about it up front. The animated show's take on Twitter is yet another reason I'm eternally thankful to Al Gore for inventing the internet Current TV.

It's funny because it's true. That said, feel free to follow my detached, bite-sized, yippity-yap @dorothysnarker. I just love randomly shouting into the darkness.

A woman targeted

What I've seen of Jimmy Fallon's late night debut this week can best be described in one word: twitchy. He is twitchy and awkward and a little clammy. It's kind of like reliving that ill-advised date you went on your freshman year with that guy you knew would never, ever get to see your boobs. Now, granted, I've never been a big fan of Fallon solo. With Tina Fey at the Weekend Update anchor desk, sure. On his own making asinine movies, meh. So I wasn't expecting much from his new after-hours chatfest. But I certainly never expected thievery. Yes, thievery. And from my Fake Internet Girlfriend Sarah Haskins, no less.

Not cool, Jimmy Fallon. NOT COOL.

You see, Jimmy debuted a segment called “Target Demographics” on his show this week. And, well, it's kind of familiar. He talks about a target demographic he hopes to reach complete with a logo featuring a target. And Sarah just happens to have this crazy show called “Target Women” where she, talks about women as a target demographic complete with a logo featuring a target. Gosh, now that's what I call a regular coinkydink. (p.s. Who did Fallon's graphic? Dude, my grandma can Photoshop better than that.)

But the proof, as always, is in the pudding. Yummy, yummy chocolate pudding. And by pudding, of course, I mean the supposedly amusing diversionary segment. Behold:

Jimmy's “Target Demographic”


Sarah's “Target Women”

Well, clearly, there is no contest in this Targetgate. Sarah's is a funny, feminist take on an absurd marketing practice. Jimmy's is a silly, stereotypical bit that glorifies the clichés associated with a group of people.

But it's the similarities that make me go grrrr. Sure, they have different intents. And, definitely, one is funnier. Still, trust me, I am not the only one that has noticed. Heck, even Sarah has noticed. So, like any good new media type, she tweeted about it.

That's right, Jimmy Fallon. Nobody steals from my Fake Internet Girlfriend. This is war. Prepare the battle paint. It. Is. On!

Target practice

When Sarah Haskins says “Target: Women” she means “target women.” As hello bullseye, goodbye breathing. You see, Sarah has uncovered a sinister plot at the “Today” show. A plot that is being played out for a national television audience oblivious to the grizzly fate that awaits one of their morning favorites. It's a plot to kill Ann Curry.

Now, of course, this got me thinking about whether other women on our televisions should worry for their safety. Perhaps Ann isn't the only one with a primetime hit on her life. And, sure enough, a few sprang immediately to mind. The signs are everywhere. Their fates are sealed. And now, we the viewing audience can only watch as their shows execute the old leave the gun, take the cannoli routine.

The Target: Izzie Stevens, “Grey's Anatomy”The Signs: Never mind seeing dead people, she sleeps with them.
The Hit:It's not a tumor. Maybe it is. Work faster, interns!
The Cannoli: Perhaps not dead, but definitely gone by summer.

The Target: Thirteen, “House”The Signs: Chronic partying, occasional bisexuality, terminally dull relationship with male co-worker
The Hit: The Huntington's was apparently moving too slowly, so why not throw in a tumor and blindness?
The Cannoli: Would they really kill off two girlfriends in two consecutive seasons? Only if you can die from boredom.

The Target: Jenny Schecter, “The L Word”The Signs: Everyone screaming “I'm going to fucking kill you Jenny Schecter!”
The Hit: Best to heed those “no lifeguard on duty” warnings, hon.
The Cannoli: Jenny Schecter. January 18, 2004-March 8, 2009. Deranged Daughter. Insane Friend. She annoyed the world, a lot.

So, can you think of any other easy targets? And I can't be the only one who would kill for a cannoli right now...figuratively.

Stick it with Sarah

What’s a brand new year without a visit from my Fake Girlfriend Sarah Haskins? (She no longer needs the No. 2 designation, since Tina has been upgraded to wife status. Suck it, Prop. 8. I can still get imaginary married.) We’re only two weeks into 2009 and already Sarah is making me pee my pants, just a little, with glee. Luckily for me, there is a product for that.

First, a look back to 2008.

Did you accomplish everything the ads told you to? Dancing for no reason? Check. Eating yogurt? Check. Showing your armpits? Check. And, of course, mooning your coworkers? Check and mate. Casual Fridays will never be the same.

Next, a look at 2009 with the obligatory “Diets! Diets! Diets!” mania that strikes every new year.

Does anyone else think sticking it in your ear hole sounds kind of…dirty?

Fine, just me. Or maybe my thought process has been weakened from going on Sarah’s eat through your ear diet. I mean, who wants to taste food when you can hear it instead?

She works hard for the money

It's Monday so most of us are reluctantly back at work. But Fake Girlfriend No. 2 Sarah Haskins has been hard at work all along, bringing us great new insights into what Madison Avenue thinks women want in her “Target Women” series. This time, she takes aim at a girl's two best friends: her diamonds and her vampire boyfriend. You can just see Marilyn Monroe singing about them both now, can't you? Now that's really a sparkly vampire.

First, vampire boyfriends. Now, I've never had a vampire boyfriend. I do, however, have a bit of a thing for vampires. Blame “Buffy.” Blame “Lost Boys.” Blame Anne Rice. Don't judge, I was young and impressionable and all my friends were reading her.

But the “Twilight” thing I pretty much totally don't get. Granted, I haven't read the books and am more than a decade outside of their demographic. But doesn't the whole point of the vampire allure boil down to one, stunningly simple three-letter word? You know the one: s-e-x. So, then, having a vampire boyfriend who won't have sex with you is kind of, well, pointless, right? Let Sarah explain it, because I'm flummoxed.

Second, jewelry. But first, another admission. I'm not big on the jewelry either. I own some, sure. But all of it is silver and none of it is diamonds. So, again, perhaps I'm not the best judge. Still, I'm not sure I understand its appeal. Some of it is definitely gorgeous, if not for me. Yet diamonds in particular seem so very boring to me. Is it just that they're expensive or shiny or expensively shiny?

I do, however, love Sarah's coining of the term “jewelry face.” And I considered temporarily promoting her from the Fake Girlfriend No. 2 slot to the Fake Girlfriend No. 1 slot for saying: “Thank you, dad. I am a journalist so I have to go pawn this to pay my rent.” It's funny because it's true.

[Hat tip, Amelia!]

Baby, you can drive my car

You know who we haven't heard from in a while? Why it's my Fake Girlfriend No. 2, Sarah Haskins. But don't worry, Sarah has been busy. She has been busy watching car commercials, that is. Car marketing toward women is ripe for parody. I mean, they named a car Crave and then made its ad about food. While I know they're hoping to attract women, I have a funny feeling it speaks more to stoners instead.

Still, the most ridiculous ads have to be the ones about getting all hot and bothered by your car. I mean, I like my car but I've never been turned on by my car. Turned on in my car, now that's another story. Ah, memories. Wait, what? You're still here. Well, go watch Sarah. I'm reminiscing.

Oh, Sarah. You can drive my car any day. Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah, indeed.

Everybody poops

Gosh, I've been talking about Fake Girlfriend No. 1 Tina Fey so much lately thanks to this wacky little thing we call the American democratic process that I've totally ignored Fake Girlfriend No. 2 Sarah Haskins. Please don't tell Sarah or our imaginary relationship could be in for a rough patch. And everyone knows make-believe couples therapy ain't cheap. Also, um, please don't bring up Tina. Whew, this juggling of fake girlfriends business is hard work.

Still with all this talk of fake feminism in politics, I thought we should address some fake feminism in marketing. And who better than my gal Sarah to set us straight, so to speak. So what's on the agenda today? Cleaning and poop. Strangely apropos, no?

First, Cleaning:

It's not a chore, it's a date!

Second, appropriately, Number Two:

A poopadox!

All that and a shower scene. Oh, Sarah, you'll always be my No. 2 with a bullet. And not in the gross “fiber” sense, either.

True love, happy ending

It's the chocolate and peanut butter of posts today – two great things that go great together: Sarah Haskins and the movies! Sarah, my fake internet girlfriend (not to be confused with my fake TV girlfriend, Tina Fey), returns to unleash a jumbo, butter-topped tub of whoop-ass on today's chick flicks. Or, as she calls them, “unlikely suitor, high-concept hijinks, unnecessary obstacle, true love, happy ending.” Oh, wait, sorry – did I just give away each and every one of their plots? It will forever baffle me that we, as 52 percent of the population, have become a niche market. And it irks me even more that most of these movies are so inexplicably bad. If you're going to marginalize us, at least give us something good to watch.


p.s. While stalking researching Sarah I stumbled upon her “5 Questions with...” for the Editrix. Hey, I did one of those. See, we're clearly meant to be together. Keep your grubby paws off of her, Colin Firth!

Interested in sex?

Loretta Lynn sang about it. Gazillions of straight women used it daily. And it is reason No. 5,682 on the master list of “Why it's good to be a lesbian.” Yes, it is The Pill. Or, if you want to get technical, birth control. My fake girlfriend Sarah Haskins' latest target is birth control and the asinine ads used to sell the stuff.

That's right, heaven forbid an ad for contraception actually concede that people use it so they can have – um, you know – The Sex. [Editor's Note: Sarah + Handcuffs = Meow!] Instead we're meant to believe that birth control is all about period control or acne control or moodiness control. That's right, women have emotions sometimes. Run for your lives!

Since we're all just ladies with simple lady minds, we're supposed to believe this bunk. Well I say they can take their small, comfortable, once-monthly vaginal ring and stick it where the sun don't...oh, wait, that's exactly what they want us to do. Crap.

p.s. I totally want to hear her thoughts on “The Great Gatsby.”

p.p.s. Oh no, it's a battle royal for my heart/funny bone. Who is better at lampooning birth control? Sarah Haskins or Tina Fey? My God, I can't choose. I won't choose! You can't make me!

Feed me

Who is hungry? You are, you say. Well, then, you're in luck. Sarah Haskins is back with another meaty topic and this time the meatiness isn't figurative. My imaginary girlfriend favorite iReporter is back to take that all-important motherhood task of feeding one's family. Do it right and your loved ones turns reggae dance party happy. Do it wrong and, well, let Sarah explain. Though, a quick warning: you may want to have your favorite Thai place on speed dial before you press play.

p.s. Yes, I noticed. She is wearing a vest as a top and is smug about being childless. Set gaydar to “stun,” everyone.

My girlfriend is back

Ahhh, Sarah Haskins. Where was she during Pride Weekend? (Yes, I got a tiny bit of that vibe too, ladies.) Her latest “Target Women” segment takes on Botox. Look, I know no one is particularly thrilled about aging. Heck, old Ponce de León died searching for that elusive Fountain of Youth. But now, thanks to modern medicine and centuries-old poisonous neurotoxins, you too can paralyze tiny muscles in your face in an attempt to look young and totally expressionless. Yay for botulism! Let’s let Sarah explain.

My favorite line: “They want them boners back!” My second favorite line: “Don’t listen to me, I’m a form of punctuation that signifies an aside.” Grammatically correct and hilarious. Be still my heart.

True story, I have a beautiful 28 year-old-friend who uses Botox. She is twenty-freaking-eight! And she is beautiful! And she lets a doctor inject botulism into her forehead! What the fuck? It borders on evil how the cosmetic and pharmaceutical industries prey on the one thing that is guaranteed to happen to every single one of us. How’s that song go?

But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too...

We all are, so stop making us feel so fucking bad about it. Being healthy and trying to look your best is one thing. Intentionally paralyzing parts of your face is entirely another. For God’s sake, if you wouldn’t eat it when it’s festering in a can, why the hell would you willingly shoot it into your face?

I do … think you’re hilarious

I think I’m in love. This is perfect timing given that yesterday my great state of California began officially performing gay marriages. But maybe wait on sending anything off our as-yet unregistered registry. There’s a wrinkle in our potential wedded bliss. It seems that, sadly, my object d’amour is probably not gay. Sigh. Isn’t that always the way, ladies?

Regardless, my latest writer/funny lady crush is a one-sided love that dare speak its name. And who is she? She is none other than Sarah Haskins.

Who is Sarah Haskins, you ask? Well, you’re not the only one asking. So did Salon. And so did The Bastion. And so did a lot of feminist bloggers who saw and immediately fell head over heels (or in lesbian’s case, sensible shoes) for her. Pretty much, this is all you need to know. She works for the cable TV channel Current (Al Gore’s station). She is part of their news/comedy show InfoMania and has a segment called “Target Women.” She is smart. She is funny. She is feminist. She hates when you use your Blackberry mid-flight. And she’s not afraid to appear in front of God and The Internets in just a sports bra.

Love, true love. That blessed arrangement. That dream within a dream...

So please enjoy her handiwork. But you can’t have her (even though, again, she’s probably straight). She’s mine!

On Yogurt:

It’s that I have a masters but then I got married look.

On Wedding Shows:

They put the We in wedding and the End in Feminism.

On Suffrage:

It’s like a Hallmark card: On the occasion of losing the presidency.

Like I was saying, I think it’s definitely love. Look for those invitations in the mail.