Leave it to Beaver

I’m back, kittens! I missed you! Did you miss me? How was your week? I hiked to the top of a waterfall and drank many cocktails, not necessarily in that order. Gosh we have a lot to catch up on. But first and foremost, I need to talk a little more about Jodie Foster. To be more specific, I need to talk about Jodie’s beaver. Wait, no. Not that beaver. Also, why the fuck is it called beaver? Because unless we’re talking about that biting movie “Teeth,” I really don’t see how a large, flat-tailed, buck-toothed rodent has anything to do with our sensitive lady business. OK. Right. So I’m way off track here. BACK TO JODIE’S BEAVER. Ahem.

Jodie, as you might have heard, is directing and starring in a new movie. A movie called “The Beaver.” A movie about a man who communicates with a beaver puppet he wears as if it was a real person. Sounds crazy, is crazy. And because crazy loves crazy, Mel Gibson is starring as said crazy beaver-talking guy. No, I did not make that up – I am not nearly that creative. Now, reading about this is one thing, seeing it is entirely another. I mean, this shit is nuts, no?

Yes, the only answer is yes. First, there are just too many jokes to make here. A man, a beaver, Jodie Foster? Head spinning. Mind racing. Must. Stay. Focused.

OK, funny business aside, Jodie plays Mel’s wife in the movie. The two have been good friends since they co-starred in that 1994 Western comedy “Maverick.” And she famously defended him after the whole getting arrested for drunk driving, blaming the Jews for everything Mel-O-Drama a few years ago. This is actually one of his first movies back since that ugly incident. Well, who knows, maybe a wacky comedy about a man who keeps his hand up a beaver is exactly the vehicle Mel needs to make people forget about his raging antisemitism. Or maybe running around looking like an idiot on screen is part of some karmic penance.

As awkward as it always is to watch Jodie romance a man on screen (remember “Contact” and her negative chemistry with Matthew McConaughey? Better yet, don’t), this movie at the very least doesn’t sound dull. Yes, I still have problems with Mel. But, dude, a beaver puppet.

Adding to my amusement is the appearance of Cherry Jones, who has a yet-undisclosed role in the film. Though Cherry’s mere presence on set was enough to spark rumors on The Internets that she and Jodie were an item. These rumors were quickly and decisively shot down by Cherry’s ex (and still good friend) Sarah Paulson.

Well, shoot, that would have been quite an interesting pairing. But, at least we have more fodder for our inner 12-year-old. I mean – come on – two lesbians in a movie about beaver? These jokes just write themselves.

He ain't heavy, he's my anti-Semite

I must say, I've grown weary of the long, depressing and endless Mel-o-Drama surrounding the anti-Semitic remarks hear 'round the world. While I strongly disagree with Mel Gibson's strict unyielding, right-wing doctrine (nor do I tolerate his current or past racist, sexist and homophobic remarks), I think this whole debacle has venutured into a sad place where we're all now just reveling in the schadenfreude of it all. I wish there was a way we, as a people, could actually find that "path to healing" that Mel professed to want in his second (though probably not last) public apology. Wouldn't it be amazing if, from a crazed moment of bigotry, some truer understanding and perhaps acceptance of everyone's differences occured. What can I say, I'm a dreamer.

Today, longtime Gibson friend Jodie Foster weighted in on the whole debacle in a Los Angeles Times article. I was wondering when/if she might speak up. The two are close pals which, at least in my mind, speaks somewhat to his character. Plus - while she has never confirmed this publicly - all signs point to the simple truth that she is a gay woman. Jodie has always struck me as very, very smart. I would hope a very, very smart (gay) person would not be buddy-buddy with a complete bigot. But hell, what do I know.

Here is what she had to say about Mel. You can read the whole article here (free registration required).

(Those) sentiments were shared by longtime Gibson friend Jodie Foster, who, upon hearing the news while on the New York set of her new film, refused to believe it."Someone told me what had happened, and I said, 'That is just so not true,' " she said. When it was confirmed, Foster said, she was stricken with deep sadness that a man she considers "one of the nicest, most honest men I have ever met" had taken such a fall. Although she and Gibson speak regularly, Foster had no idea he was drinking again."Is he an anti-Semite? Absolutely not," Foster said. "But it's no secret that he has always fought a terrible battle with alcoholism. I just wish I had been there, that I had been able to say, 'Don't do it. Don't take that drink.' "

Like Devlin, she does not believe that drunkenness excuses hurtful remarks, but she bristles at accusations in the media that Gibson is using his alcoholism as a "get out of jail free" card from charges of anti-Semitism."It is a horrible disease, and it affects everyone differently," Foster said. "I do not have personal experience with addiction, but I have seen it take many paths in people I know. For some, it is a soft slide off the barstool, and some experience true psychotic episodes."

She points to friends Christian Slater -who has had many drunken run-ins with the law, including a 1997 scuffle with a police officer after allegedly hitting his girlfriend - and Robert Downey Jr. as examples of the personality-changing effects that drinking can have on the alcoholic."Would I have believed Christian Slater, who is the nicest, gentlest man in the world, would hit a woman? No," Foster said. "Or Downey, you cannot find anyone in the film business who does not love Downey, and look at some of his exploits.""Mel is honest, loyal, kind," she said, "but alcoholism has been a lifelong struggle for him and his family." (The actor and his wife, Robyn, have been married for 26 years and have seven children.)

Why is this man smiling?

As I watch the spectacle surrounding Mel Gibson's latest masterpiece,"When Movies Stars Go Wildly Anti-Semitic," I've noticed a disturbing trend coming from certain factions. Namely, the heavy blaming of the bottle and the heavier playing of the pity card. Something along the lines of, "Poor Mel. Isn't alcoholism terrible. Brave of him to seek help."

What? Hello? Is this thing on?

The man ranted to the deputy: "Fucking Jews...The Jews are responsible for all the wars on the world...Are you a Jew?"

The same man told Diane Sawyer two years ago that he was categorically not anti-Semitic and that "for me, it goes against the tenets of my faith to be racist in any form. To be anti-Semitic is a sin. To be anti-Semitic is to be un-Christian. And I'm not."

Sooooo, let me get this straight. You're not anti-Semitic, but the tequila you consumed was. Fucking tequila. It's probably Jewish!

His racist remarks were just the tip of the iceberg on Mr. Gibson's Wild Ride. He vowed to get revenge on the arresting officer saying he "owned" Malibu. He called a female officer "sugar tits." He even tried to pee on the jail floor.

What can I say, the man is pure class.

Mr. The Passion of the Christ issued an apology over the weekend saying that he "acted like a person completely out of control" and said things that he did not "believe to be true and which are despicable" because of his "disease of alcoholism." On Monday, the obligatory statement was issued that he had checked into rehab.

You know what, Mel is right. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. But it's one that can be treated and controlled. Ignorance and hatred, those are even more insidious and the recidivism rate is killer.

UPDATE: Looks like Mel has gone mea culpa crazy. Here is his second, more contrite, more directly apologetic statement where he reaches out to the Jewish community. He is "not a bigot" and he wants to meet one-on-one with Jewish leaders to discuss the "path for healing." My thoughts? Oy vey.

When Hypocrites Attack Part II

More Godless actions from the supposedly God-fearing. Mel Gibson, Mr. The Passion of the Christ himself, was arrested Friday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence in Malibu. When stopped, reports have alleged that he started spewing obscenities and anti-Semitic remarks. Sigh.

All that blather from him about his great true faith. All his finger-pointing at those without. Guess it's easy to lose your religion in the bottom of a bottle.

I think Mel Gibson has a great cinematic eye. You cannot deny his abilities in "Braveheart." But the hypocrisy of people like him drives me crazy.