Leave it to Beaver

I’m back, kittens! I missed you! Did you miss me? How was your week? I hiked to the top of a waterfall and drank many cocktails, not necessarily in that order. Gosh we have a lot to catch up on. But first and foremost, I need to talk a little more about Jodie Foster. To be more specific, I need to talk about Jodie’s beaver. Wait, no. Not that beaver. Also, why the fuck is it called beaver? Because unless we’re talking about that biting movie “Teeth,” I really don’t see how a large, flat-tailed, buck-toothed rodent has anything to do with our sensitive lady business. OK. Right. So I’m way off track here. BACK TO JODIE’S BEAVER. Ahem.

Jodie, as you might have heard, is directing and starring in a new movie. A movie called “The Beaver.” A movie about a man who communicates with a beaver puppet he wears as if it was a real person. Sounds crazy, is crazy. And because crazy loves crazy, Mel Gibson is starring as said crazy beaver-talking guy. No, I did not make that up – I am not nearly that creative. Now, reading about this is one thing, seeing it is entirely another. I mean, this shit is nuts, no?

Yes, the only answer is yes. First, there are just too many jokes to make here. A man, a beaver, Jodie Foster? Head spinning. Mind racing. Must. Stay. Focused.

OK, funny business aside, Jodie plays Mel’s wife in the movie. The two have been good friends since they co-starred in that 1994 Western comedy “Maverick.” And she famously defended him after the whole getting arrested for drunk driving, blaming the Jews for everything Mel-O-Drama a few years ago. This is actually one of his first movies back since that ugly incident. Well, who knows, maybe a wacky comedy about a man who keeps his hand up a beaver is exactly the vehicle Mel needs to make people forget about his raging antisemitism. Or maybe running around looking like an idiot on screen is part of some karmic penance.

As awkward as it always is to watch Jodie romance a man on screen (remember “Contact” and her negative chemistry with Matthew McConaughey? Better yet, don’t), this movie at the very least doesn’t sound dull. Yes, I still have problems with Mel. But, dude, a beaver puppet.

Adding to my amusement is the appearance of Cherry Jones, who has a yet-undisclosed role in the film. Though Cherry’s mere presence on set was enough to spark rumors on The Internets that she and Jodie were an item. These rumors were quickly and decisively shot down by Cherry’s ex (and still good friend) Sarah Paulson.

Well, shoot, that would have been quite an interesting pairing. But, at least we have more fodder for our inner 12-year-old. I mean – come on – two lesbians in a movie about beaver? These jokes just write themselves.

Lesbothrobs

Oh, Rachel, Rachel. Suspenders. What are you doing to us? SUSPENDERS. You know what kind of tizzy this will put us gay ladies into. How could you not? In fact, I think secretly you enjoy it. Yep, for all the adorable self deprecation, there has to be a teeny-tiny part of that big, magnificent brain of yours that is loving this lesbian heartthrob status. But, why not? It’s fun to be a lesbian heartthrob. Still lest you think I have only one big gay pin-up inside my locker, let me remind you that there are plenty of lesbian heartthrobs to go around. And to think some girls go crazy over Zac Efron. Silly girls.

Ellen DeGeneresI think she’ll do great on Idol. I mean, it’s a fancy karaoke contest. Chill, people.

Jane Lynch“Yes. We. CANE!” But seriously, I would totally let Jane cane me. With a safety word. And a blindfold.

Tegan, Amanda Palmer, SaraGay hipster super powers – activate!

Wanda SykesBut a cap, tight T-shirt and leather jacket are decidedly not whack.

Amanda MooreTo keep from swallowing my tongue, I’ll take a cue from Amanda and hold on instead.

Leisha HaileyI miss Alice. Not enough to sit through “The Farm,” but enough to sit through the episode of “CSI” where Leisha was a wolfgirl.

Cherry JonesDid she not look fantastic at the Emmys? Also, I heard she broke up with Sarah Paulson. How sad. Hey Cherry, I like the theater. What? I’m just saying.

Jodie FosterThis is Jodie Foster on the streets of New York last month. This is what gay looks like.

Who is going in your locker, so to speak? And quit doodling Mrs. Rachel Maddow on your Trapper Keeper. What is this, junior high?

Welcome, Madam President

Is America ready for a lesbian in the White House? (That was not a Hillary Clinton joke, I swear.) According to The Hollywood Reporter, Cherry Jones has been cast as the new President of the United States for the upcoming season of “24.” The two-time Tony-winning Broadway powerhouse (who has also popped up on movies and TV) has been out since 1995 and in a relationship with “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” actress Sarah Paulson for the past few years. Now, at first glance this news is fantastic. A lesbian playing a woman president on a hit show? Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming! But then when you consider the behind-the-scenes back story to the 1440-minutes of televised counterterrorism things get a little hanky.

The new season will unfold in the midst of the 2008 presidential campaign and parallels are already being drawn to 24’s new Madam President and Sen. I-would-like-to-be-Madam-President Clinton. And then there is the little business of series co-created by Joel Surnow proudly declaring himself a “right-wing nut.” Oh dear. And he has hired an out lesbian to play a woman president? Oh dear. Still, I can’t imagine that Cherry -- who is both one smart and tough cookie -- would sign off on any role that turned her into the Bitcher-in-Chief or some other sad stereotype about powerful women. So I’ll but my skepticism in a lockbox for now and instead start dreaming about imaginary State Dinners at the White House where a radiant President Jones enters with a glowing First Lady Paulson on her arm. What? You’ve got to dream big, right?

Sarah Smile

So, I’m starting to really love Sarah Paulson on Studio 60 and the Sunset Strip. How much? Well, I’m willing to overlook the fact that she plays a Christian conservative who willingly appeared on the 700 Club. Why? She is damn good. Intelligent. Nuanced. Quick-witted. Immensely likeable. You can see what Cherry Jones sees in her. I hope the show (which continues to impress after its knockout premiere) can find an audience. It, like Sarah, is intelligent, nuanced, quick-witted and immensely likeable. Plus it's nice to finally have an out actress in primetime, instead of forever stuck in the daytime chat cycle. But, perhaps most deliciously, it has got to chap the Religious Right's ass that a gay woman is playing a sympathetic evangelical Christian on TV. That must just blow their crazy little minds.