Greetings, from ellen

Ellen wishes you a happy birthday. And hopes you get well soon. And thanks you for the gravy boat. The Great Panted One (TM pending) is coming to a greeting card near you. American Greetings announced that it is teaming up with Ellen DeGeneres to create a signature line of cards called the ellen collection (yes, lower caps -- yes, it’s very e e cummings). The 32-card collection will feature illustrations of Ellen giving her trademark, quirky observations on daily life and, one can assume, why they caused you to send your grandmother belated birthday greetings.

I can see it now: “So, I was went into Starbucks the other day. Man, it’s hard to order there. You need like an M.B.A., subway map and an Allen wrench just to place your order. And then the clerk repeats it back to you and corrects all your mistake anyway, because you still got it wrong and what’s with that attitude? Do they teach passive-aggressive condescension in employee training? If you can’t belittle while making change you don’t get a green apron. But, you know, I love my double-foam, non-fat, organic soy milk, venti cappuccinos. Cappucinos. Now there’s a funny word. My point, and I do have one, is that I was trying to order at Starbucks and it took me longer than expected, so I didn’t get your card in the mail on time. Happy Belated Birthday!”