The not-so-Lezzie Bunch

Marcia and Jan did not make out. Oh, thank God. You know when you read something and immediately wish you hadn’t because the image then seared itself onto your brain and you can never again look back in innocence and wonder at something that was once an important part of your childhood. Yeah, well, that’s exactly what happened when news broke on the blogs Friday that Marcia, sorry, Maureen McCormick was going to reveal in her new autobiography that she and Jan, er, Eve Plumb had fooled around behind the scenes on “The Brady Bunch.” The horror! The abject horror! But, just as fast as the “My eyes! Dear God, my eye!”-mental images was born, it was swiftly killed when Maureen’s publisher denied the claims of Brady lesbianism.

“We are verifying that it is not true,” said Debbie Styer, senior vice president of group publicity at William Morrow, publisher of her book “Here’s the Story…” “The real story of what happened in [McCormick’s] life and behind the scenes of the show will all come out when the book comes out.”

Whewww. Look, in theory I have nothing against attractive people getting it on. But in practice, this would have meant that every time I heard “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” I was going to envision a very different, very sweaty scenario. So. Very. Wrong. Already the news had me experiencing post-traumatic stress syndrome flashbacks to the first time I watched “Sister My Sister” and sat open-mouthed through all the insanely inappropriate yet freakishly hot sister-on-sister action. That film needs a disclaimer that says, “Warning: May cause scarring for life.”

I guess what this non-story really reaffirms is that, gasp, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. I know, shocking. Actually, I was immediately skeptical of this report when I saw that its source was the ever-disreputable ContactMusic.com. These are the same folks who spun Leisha Hailey’s cute comments about her AfterEllen Hot 100 list supremacy into a frightened feud with Angelina Jolie. In short, take everything they say with a grain of salt. I like mine on a margarita.