What doesn't Glee you

Most Very Special Episodes strive to cover one Very Special Issue. Like, say, drug abuse. Or child neglect. Or that funny shaped mole that turns out to be the C word. But not “Glee.” Nooooo. “Glee” has to be different. “Glee” has to be even Very Specialer than the most Very Special Episode. It’s the Very Specialest of Episodes. To wit, it crammed not only teen suicide, not only teen marriage but also teen texting while driving into one hour-long Very Specialest Episode. When it was over, I felt a bit like poor Quinn – hit by a truck.

Here’s what I can say about “Glee.” What it does well it does so achingly well you want to catch it in a jar and put it on your nightstand and watch it slowly dance before you as you gently drift into slumber. But what it does badly or, even worse – heavy handedly, it does so badly you want to throw said jar against the nearest wall and watch it crash into a million little pieces, each of which represents an infinitely frustrating missed opportunity.

But let’s address them one by one, shall we? First, teen suicide. Teen suicide from bullying is a terrible thing. People from across the globe came together to address this issue in a beautiful show of grassroots solidarity with the It Gets Better Project more than a year ago. So, taken on its own, the interspersed images of an emotionally distraught Karofsky agonizing about being outed and bullied was poignant and important. Kids can be cruel. Adolescents can be hell. The world can seem hopeless. But you’re not alone. It does get better. And living is the only way you can ensure you get to the good stuff.

But here’s the thing, “Glee,” what you do doesn’t happen in a vacuum. You can’t say, outing is so terrible and so wrong and so tragic and so possibly suicidal one minute, yet just three months earlier say outing is A-OK if the popular hero quarterback dude does it to a kinda bitchy mean girl and then makes her sit awkwardly in front of him as he sings a song about girls wanting to have fun. Granted, sure, everyone’s experience is different. But you can’t really have your cake any way you want it. Otherwise the message is: Boy outing is super bad, girl outing is super helpful. Not cool.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, what the actual fuck with Kurt lecturing Quinn on how she should feel about Karofsky’s suicide attempt? What kind of my minority issue is more important than your minority issue speechifying is that? No. Uh-uh. Not cool. This isn’t the Ism Olympics. This is a silly little show about a Midwestern glee club that can, at its finest, provide crystalline moments of emotional resonance. And other times, they just sing and dance really well, and stuff.

Right, so there’s now on to teen marriage. All I’m going to say about this ridiculous Finn and Rachel getting hitched storyline is it is ridiculous and no one who writes a word of it should be paid in real, actual money. Instead might I suggest reimbursement in community college credits instead so they could take a Critical Thinking Skills 101 class and realize that this out-of-nowhere, this-helps-make-Finn-special story is at best illogical and at worst ludicrous. p.s. Yes, Faberry Nation, I know that wedding totally should have been Quinn and Rachel because that, that would have made sense.

Finally, the teen texting while driving storyline, a.k.a. Let’s hit poor Dianna Agron with a truck. Hey, remember when she wanted to steal Shelby’s baby? This kinda makes me think back fondly to that plotline. I bet Dianna couldn’t be happier that Quinn’s a senior. If I was her I’d run as far away from Ryan Murphy as my legs could take me. That is if her legs still work when the show returns April 10.

Also, don’t get me started on the intrinsic cruelty of voicing poor Tina’s simple desire to be able to sing a song and then not actually letting her sing a song. I think this makes “Glee” even more of an asshole. At least if it was oblivious to its flaws you could hope to improve them. But to know your flaws and flaunt them? Yeah, total asshole move.

So, there you have it. “Glee” in a nutshell. Flashes of genius. Long stretches of why is this happening. Giant sinkholes of logic. And some real asshole moves.

Also, can anyone tell me what the actual fuck that peanut butter nonsense was all about?

Well, at least we got to see the Troubletones. What “Glee” doesn’t kill, makes us all stronger for stomaching.