Stop trying to make fetch happen

So last night while attempting to watch and understand my first episode of “Pretty Little Liars” (admittedly, jumping into a “Scooby-Doo with lesbians who aren’t Velma” teen mystery show in its second season is a little tricky), I saw an ad for an abomination. As in hell fire, eternal damnation, do not pass go do not collect $200 abomination. Why is there a “Mean Girls 2?” What fuckery is this? The direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2004 film that lacks a) original star Lindsay Lohan, b) original writer or co-star Tina Fey or c) any of the stars, story or – from the more than bland trailer – sophisticated sensibilities of the original. Boo, you whore! After a little research, I found out that Tina wisely declined (repeatedly) to be involved in any sequel shenaniganery. Instead lesbian director Melanie Mayron (the red-head from “thirtysomething”) directed the whole thing. For shame. As I was saying, an abomination.

So to cleanse the palate of such horrors (why, Disney, why must you resurrect something that was perfect and turn it into a Frankenstein monster no one wants?), let’s just celebrate the original. Watching it for the first time in the theater I discovered that a) this Lindsay Lohan girl can act, I hope she grows up nicely, b) this Tina Fey person can do a lot more than tell jokes behind a desk, I want to go to there and c) this movie is like “Heathers” for another generation, but in an amazing non-derivative way. You go, Glen Coco.

“Mean Girls 2” doesn’t even go here.

p.s. The original also gave us this Tina Fey in her bra. No sequel could ever improve on that. Ever.

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her

How do we solve a problem like Lindsay Lohan? How do you catch her career and stop its fall? How do you find the words to make her understand that she needs to change, once and for all? The spectacle that has become Lindsay Lohan is well documented. And by now everyone has processed and over processed her impending 90-day jail sentence (followed by a 90-day rehab stint, for good measure).

Her case, life, fame stands as an unfortunate testament to our times. It both irks and intrigues me that we spend so much of our waking lives discussing, critiquing and analyzing her every foible. And in the end, it just makes me sad.

I know not everyone feels this way, and I know much of her predicament is entirely of her own making, still I feel genuinely sorry for Lindsay. Sure, she seeks out this spotlight herself. Sure she blames others for her own mistakes. But she is so young and, as her continual shenanigans attest, so immature. I feel about Lindsay the same way I feel about Amy Winehouse or Courtney Love. I take no joy in seeing the on-again, off-again freight train of crazy that has become their lives. Fair or unfair, I feel worse for those stars whose lives have become a public circus when they are indeed truly talented. And Lindsay, back in her “Mean Girls” days, was indeed truly talented.

So I take no pleasure in her pain. I feel no schadenfreude at her sobs. When did we become a society that roots against the best in others? Instead, as I’ve said before, I find myself in the odd situation of wanting to be shield her publicly from her critics while scolding her privately for squandering that abilities.

Certainly, many of her past actions can’t be applauded. Drinking and driving is wrong, period. Taking Abusing drugs is bad, period. Missing court-appointed dates is stupid, period. But we don’t become the people we become in a vacuum. Look at the nightmares that are her parents – a father who cares more about seeing his face on TV than his daughter’s well-being; a mother who cares more about being a best friend that what it means to truly be a mother. And if she indeed has an addiction, that is something else entirely. Those aren’t excuses, just maybe explanations.

In the end, I think only Lindsay can solve the problem of Lindsay. Perhaps those days in jail, however many they end up being (because, believe me, it won’t be all 90), will be a time enough to really reflect. Perhaps, instead of writing “fuck u” on her fingernails to the world, she will think, “How did I fuck this all up?” Perhaps she will see that only she can stop herself from being an unfortunate headline and start being the promising actress we first met and were charmed by, all those years ago. I want to be charmed by Lindsay Lohan again. I want to see her act again. I want to root for her. If only she’d let me.

Tank Top Tuesday

I believe that children are our future, mostly because Whitney Houston sang it in her pre-Bobby Brown days when you could still trust her. But, seriously, it’s the youth who shall inherit the earth and they might as well wear a tank top because they're inheriting a seriously warming planet. What? I’m just trying to think positive. While some of these ladies are on the outer edge of age-appropriateness for me, I’d hate to be accused of ageism. When it comes to women in tank tops, I am a strict equal opportunity luster. In fact, Special Agent Sarah Walker, err, Yvonne Strahovski above is our oldest tank topper at 26. But don’t worry, Chris Hansen, I checked all their IDs. Everybody’s legal, nobody’s going to jail. Put away the cuffs…or maybe not. Ahem. And with that, I give you Tank Top Tuesday: The Next Generation.

Leighton Meester, 22I don’t watch “Gossip Girl.” Why do I suddenly have the feeling I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake?

Lindsay Lohan, 22Is it just me, or has she gotten hotter as she has gotten gayer?

Freida Pinto, 24“Slumdog Millionaire” made me a believer. This tank top made me a worshipper.

Jessica Stroup, 22Tank Top + Fire + Kissing Heather Graham = Almost enough to make me watch “90210”… almost, but still no.

Rihanna, 20Standing under Rihanna’s umbrella is optional. Staring at her tank vest is mandatory.

Hayden Panettiere, 19What kind of space-age polymer does your tank top need to be made out of if you’re indestructible? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Kristen Stewart, 18Why do vampires love tank tops? Two words: easy access.

Mandy Musgrave, 22, and Gabrielle Christian, 24Oh, Spashley. If only your storyline lived up to your tank tops.

Blake Lively, 21

It’s official. I’ve made a tragic error in not watching “Gossip Girl.”

Just another happy couple

So Lindsay Lohan is gay. And so is Clay Aiken. That sound you're hearing is the universe letting out a collective “Duh!” But, then, this week's admissions – both casual and on covers – is another reminder of the power that those words still have. Sure, we all knew. Heck, I'm sure most of our grandmas knew. But once you say those words out loud, it takes away the whispers. It takes away the alleged. It takes away all that is seemingly suspect. It's just fact now, just life, and life goes on.

Admittedly, Lindsay's coming out process has been the most fascinating to watch. Having one of America's hottest starlets potentially be part of a lesbian relationship was like fresh carrion to the gossip vultures. But that's not what made it fascinating. Nor was it because of her status among the paparazzi princesses who crashed and burned to a chorus of flashbulbs. No, what made it fascinating is that her experience seems to mirror that of so many young gay or questioning women today.

Lindsay found someone she liked. That someone happened to be a girl. So they started hanging out together and going everywhere together. And soon they were just together. And they never hid it. Sure, they never confirmed it until this week either. But there they were shopping together and traveling together and attending parties together and working together. They held hands. They cuddled. They kissed. They were out without being out.

Then earlier this week while calling into Loveline to talk about their friend DJ AM's plane crash, they finally confirmed what all our eyes already saw:

DJ: Now, you guys, you and Samantha have been going out for how long now?
Lindsay: (laughter)
DJ: Like two years? One year? Five months? Two months?
Lindsay: A long...a very long time.
DJ: Well good, well I hope you guys stay together. You are a very lovely looking couple.
Lindsay: Thank you very much.

I haven't always been a fan of Lindsay's. Actually, I was a fan of hers before I wasn't a fan of hers (call it my inner John Kerry). While I'll never support the vapid excess that led to her reckless behavior, I'll be the first to applaud her for pulling herself together and not squandering her talent. And talent she has, the real deal. Just re-watch “Mean Girls,” trust me. So it's unfair to lump her in with the famous for being famous Paris-Kim-Nicole set.

Yet with that simple confirmation Lindsay has hopefully forever closed the door on the last bit of so-called salaciousness in her life. It's only fun to gossip about rumors. Facts, well, they take all the naughtiness out of the equation. Ellen and Portia go to the supermarket and the movies and the car wash together all the time. But while the paparazzi still follow them, you don't see them splashed across on the gossip sites every day. They're old news – just another boring happy couple. And, now, maybe Lindsay and Samantha are one, too. Gosh, wouldn't that be refreshing.

Not so easy, not so breezy cover girls

Those snarktastic Fug Girls would call this a “Fug The Cover” post. I call it a ”If you’re Photoshopping the hell out of these people anyway, why can’t you make them look good or -- at the very least -- human?” post. Now we already know all about The Cover Lie. But what I don’t understand is how, after all that digital enhancement, the end result could still look so crappy. I’m pretty sure Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t want to herald her comeback on the cover of a national magazine looking like a Teutonic tranny who swears by monochromatic colors and bushy eyebrows. I’m assuming. I mean, I don’t know her that well. Or, really, at all.The thing is, Gwynnie can do much better. Witness her previous W cover. She looks lovely and, yes, pregnant. And then there is the even lovelier Life cover with her mother, Blythe Danner. Of course, that may be due to Blythe’s presence. But why quibble.Now this next cover catastrophe mainly suffers largely from really unfortunate timing. But the folks at Elle weren’t doing LiLo any favors with her Dynasty hair. The irony here, of course, is that Lindsay doesn’t have to look like the most popular girl at her 1985 senior prom. Even the photo shoot outtakes are sexier, more modern and all together va-va-voomier. And then there was the truly sexy Lindsay on Entertainment Weekly, circa 2004, all red hair and black stockings. Those were the days.
But the person I truly feel sorry for is poor Anne Hathaway. By all accounts Anne is a lovely young lady. She has the dark hair, milky skin and doe eyes that women around the world would kill for. So, you’d think making her look radiant on a magazine cover would be easy-peasy. Apparently, not so much.
Wow. I’ve never before looked at Ms. Hathaway and thought, “Damn, girlfriend has a lot of teeth.” But I consider this Teen Vogue cover Anna Wintour’s revenge for “The Devil Wears Prada,” so I wasn’t really too surprised. Then I saw these.Bazar made her look like a fashion alien and on Marie Claire dressed her like dental assistant from the Jersey suburbs. Of course, once again, it didn’t have to end like this. Because, Anne -- if given a chance -- can give great cover. Really, really great.

Another little girl lost

This story is no longer fun. It’s just sad and ugly. Plus I really don’t see how it can end well. Remember when she was an adorable red-head with a face full of freckles and eyes that sparkled? What’s left today is flat and hollow, depressed and drawn-out. It is potential squandered and there is no joy in that. What is lost may still be found. But only if someone helps this girl.

Separated at Hairspray

I know I’m the wrong target demographic (i.e. neither a teenage girl or a gay male), but I just don’t get Zac Efron. I mean, I guess the 19-year-old bit of peach fuzz is cute in a Kewpie doll kind of way. And sure, he sings, he dances and he knows how to mystic tan. But I’m not entirely sure I understand why he has exploded all over the gossip blogs of late. Then, I realized that in our everything-old-is-new-again culture, perhaps Zac’s celebrity is just another case of lazy fame recycling. How else could you account for the fact that he looks like an unholy mash-up of Clay Aiken, Daniela Sea and Lindsay Lohan?

That’s Mrs. Ronson to you

This is so dumb, I can’t believe I’m writing about it. Now I really feel like one of the blogging sheep. Watch me join the herd: “Bah-bah, Lindsay’s bah lesbian bah love bah letters bah-bah!” The latest on the formerly adorable red-head is that while in rehab she sent her rumored girlfriend out DJ Samantha Ronson love notes via MySpace. Given Lindsay’s clear lack of boundaries, she of course gave 75 of her closest “friends” access to her private page and one of those “friends” leaked the messages to the tabs. And, voila, one of these supposed notes to Samantha sufaces:

“Babe, if I don’t have you in my life then I should just go die…I want to marry you and have children with you...
Go to bed babe, I love you.
[signed] -Lindsay Ronson.”

You know what? I hope they really are a couple. I hope she is in love. And I hope Samantha loves her back. Hell, why not? In fact, good for them. Of course, considering her newfound affinity for Machiavelli, that relationship could be headed for some serious dyke drama. Though I guess carrying around a copy of “The Prince” is better than totting about a new Bible by Prada.

Lesbian undertones or just bi-curious boots?

The first pictures of Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller together on the set of their new film “The Best Time of Our Lives” popped up this week. For those keeping score at home, this is the movie that Lindsay Lohan was once attached to and claimed had a “a lesbian undertone.”

“[Keira] is older than me, but she kind of has a mysterious relationship with my lover. And then there’s somewhat of a lesbian undertone.”

Yes, God help me for believing and/or repeating anything Lindsay Lohan says. Apparently all my better instincts just committed suicide. What we do know for sure is that the film centers around the relationship between famed poet Dylan Thomas (Matthew Rhys) and the two women he loves: his wife (Sienna, who replaced Lindsay after she dropped out) and his childhood friend (Keira). If the lesbian undertones are indeed true, it sounds a bit like “Henry & June,” but with different writers and without Uma Thurman.

I’m not sure how I feel about a Keira-Sienna coupling. Sienna doesn’t do much for me and her fashion sense does even less. But it’s still worlds better than any Keira-Lindsay canoodling. The mere thought is almost enough to turn a girl straight.

UPDATE: More shots of Keira and Sienna frolicking at the shore. Of course, since I’m questioning my “stores about lesbian and their life, feeling and so on,” I will scour over these images as research so that I don’t “know little to lesbian.” Ahem.

Ellen gets horizontal

Ellen DeGeneres hurt her back over the weekend and is under doctor’s orders to stay in bed. Now, if a doctor put me on bedrest, I would stay home, eat Cheetos and watch bad daytime television while calling my friends and telling them how awesome it is to be under doctor’s order to stay in bed. But not our gal, Ellen. The Great Panted One is doing her show this week from bed – a bed wheeled right out into the middle of her talk show set. Wow, that’s dedication. Today she’ll be on her back with Ryan Seacrest (insert joke here about this being the first woman Ryan has ever had on her back) and then Wednesday she’ll get horizontal for Lindsay Lohan (insert joke here about La Lohan taking her new Sapphic responsibilities perhaps a little too seriously). Now, if only there was a way to get all the guests in bed, too... Hey, look at that, someone’s listening.

p.s. Get well soon, Big E. Hope you’re back (oh, the puns!) up and at ’em again in no time.

p.p.s. Awww, check out this clip of Ellen talking with her doctor about her injury. Even while drugged out of her noggin on painkillers, the woman is spot on with the funny. That’s our gal.

Herbie Fully Lesbian

So, the latest totally unsubstantiated lesbian rumor making the rounds is that Lindsay Lohan and her DJ friend Samantha Ronson are in a relationship. I am trying to decide if I care. On the one hand, OK, that’s fine and good for them. On the other hand, great, lesbianism is the new rehab -- all the starlets are trying it. Ugh.

“She actually has always been quite open. I would love to name all the young Hollywood she has slept with, but I will keep that for the ‘book.’ Maybe she was tired of the boys and that is why she decided to spice it up with BFF Samantha Ronson.”

Of course, it should be noted that this “story” came from the blog of a former publicist who is writing a “book.” In the same entry he calls Carson Daly a smelly drunk, Mark McGrath a coke user and Da Brat a closeted lesbian. So, really, this post should come with the label: “WARNING: Celebrity gossip, please add salt.”