Naked Lady Monday: TLW Edition

So while I took Leap Day to bemoan the lack of Jennifer Beals on our TVs, I know plenty of “The L Word” alums are gainfully employed and gracing our screens (large and small) with their post-Chaiken magnificence. So, because it’s Monday and because some of you seemed somewhat perplexed by the clothing-optional selections I posted of their former coworker, I thought I’d double down. How about a little Naked Lady Monday with the hard-working former ladies of TLW? These lovely former ladies of the L all have interesting projects and programs they’re working on. And that they look god not entirely clothed? Well, that’s a sure bet. (As always, sort of NSFW. But, come on, you know you want to peek.)

Sarah ShahiThe artist formerly known as Carmen returns for the second season of “Fairly Legal” March 16 on USA. She’ll be back as legal mediator Kate Reed who usually wears considerably more clothes than this while solving complex legal disputes.

Janina GavankarThe artist formerly known as Papi will return as a series regular on True Blood this summer on HBO. She plays shifter Luna, who kind of has forever redefined my image of a beautiful wild pony running free across the planes.

Kate MoennigThe artist formerly known as Shane has signed onto the Showtime pilot “Ray Donovan,” where she will play gay once again as the “dark, intense” right hand gal to the title character L.A. P.I. to the rich and famous. Via the pilot script, we first see her waking up next to lovely lady in bed. Guess we all know who she’s looking very like that day.

Mia KirshnerThe artist formerly known as Jenny had a recurring role on “The Vampire Diaries” last season. She can next be seen on the big screen alongside True Blood vamp Stephen Moyer in the horror film “The Barrens,” about a family being stalked by the Jersey Devil. Hmmm, maybe it killed Jenny.

Lauren Lee SmithThe artist formerly known as the Soup Chef joined the second season of the Canadian psychic drama The Listener, and will return for its third season debuting later this year. I’m not going to lie, I miss the red hair.

Leisha HaileyThe artist formerly known as Alice is still as adorable as ever. But instead of acting she’s making merry music with her band Uh Huh Her. And they even have a new video out, with “So You Think You Can Dance” runner-up and out dancer Sasha Mallory.



Definitely NSFW:

Pam GrierThe artist formerly known as Kit starred alongside Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in “Larry Crowne” last year. The inimitable Ms. Grier can next be seen in the action film “The Man with the Iron Fists” with Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu. To quote every line of Kit’s dialogue ever, “You go, baby girl!”

NOTE: No, clearly, this is not a comprehensive update of all the past TLW regulars. Those without current performing projects on the large or small screen were left off on purpose.

Vacation Vixen: Pam Grier

To paraphrase Kit Porter, “Damn, baby girl. Damn.”

Gun it

Now, don’t get me wrong, I liked “Inception.” It was like one of those M.C. Escher paintings from you college dorm room came to life, spun around a dozen times and then spit out that guy from “Titanic” and that gal from “Juno.” Also, who doesn’t love Ellen Page in an assortment of neckerchiefs? But what I really want is a little lady action. Sure Marion Cotillard gets to brandish a weapon here and there. But I crave is the big, bad-ass ladies with even bigger guns. I mean, damn Michelle Rodriguez, damn. So now the only question is, old school or new school? Decisions, decisions.

OLD SCHOOL

Gail DavisAnnie’s got not one, but two guns. As it should be.

Jane FondaWell now, Ms. Ballou, I like the way you point that thing.

Marlene DietrichThis is her just hanging at the shooting range in leather pants.

Pam GrierShe wasn’t called Foxy Brown for nothing.

Audrey HepburnAdmittedly, this is just adorable. I mean, a sun hat – come on.

NEW SCHOOL

Zoe SaldanaModern girls know how to double-fist it, too.

Noomi RapaceNo American version needed, thank you very much.

Milla Jovovich & Ali LarterTwo girls, one shotgun. So much better.

Yvonne StrahovskiIn my dream scenario Agent Sarah Walker and Agent Annie Walker meet and compare, um, guns.

Angelina JolieYes, I know, we already had a lengthy discussion about sodium content this week. But Ebert gave “Salt” four stars, and I want it to do well this weekend. Ladies first, ya know.

So, ladies – old school or new school? Or is it just fun to be schooled, period?

My Weekend Crush

I need more Pam Grier in my life. I know she is on “Smallville” right now, but I can only bring myself to watch one teenage show on the CW at a time and right now that honor goes to the one with the vampires. Though I’m thrilled Pam is still on TV somewhere. She is just too fun not to be. One of the (many) great disappointments of “The L Word” was that Mama Chaiken couldn’t find something better for Kit to do than the requisite “baby girl!” each episode. Sure, there were the Ivan Aycock and Sunset Boulevard relationships. But there was also the alcoholism, the manny, the self help philanderer, the homophobic son, the Papi experiment, the armed robbery, the near homicides, the armed Angelica – need I go on? And then all too often she was relegated to being sassy head shake or the comforting hug giver. But Pam is, of course, capable of so much more. In fact, anyone who can effortlessly pull a gun out of her afro deserves more. Her bad-ass bona fides come from a career of kicking ass and taking names in blaxploitation films. Still even with her minimal dialog on TLW, Pam projected warmth, humor, spunk and strength. I mean, it’s not everyone who can walk down a hallway like this. Work it, baby girl. Happy weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday: Burton’s Babes Edition

You know, I enjoyed “Alice in Wonderland.” Truth be told, I pretty much enjoy all Tim Burton films on one level or another. “Alice” was a good film, not a great film. It was fun, but without some of the wonder you'd expect Burton to bring to the land. But what I really liked were the women in the film (I know, I know – when don’t I like the women in a film?). I wasn’t familiar with Mia Wasikowska before the movie. I’d never seen “In Treatment” and just basically didn’t know her from Mia Hamm. But, oooh and doogie. Did she make an impression. Actually, I think it was her suit of armor that made an indelible impression. Say what you will, but Tim Burton has great taste in women. (Men, too, but – gosh – who doesn’t love Johnny Depp?)

Helena Bonham CarterAlice in Wonderland, Sweeney Todd, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Big Fish, Planet of the Apes

Anne HathawayAlice in Wonderland

Christina RicciSleepy Hollow

Pam Grier

Mars Attacks!

Michelle Pfeiffer

Batman Returns

Marion CotillardBig Fish

Sarah Jessica ParkerEd Wood

Winona RyderBeetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands

Mia WasikowskaConsider this a bonus, like Armor Top Tuesday.

Ready...aim...

Bang. Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just the best way I knew how to greet Monday. Now, before we begin, I’d like to note that I in no way condone violence. I don’t own guns. I’ve never shot a gun. And I’m all for gun control. Suck it, NRA. Having said that, there is also something unspeakably sexy about a woman with a gun – like our gal Mariska. We’re going to ignore old Sigmund and all his talk of willy envy. Balderdash. This is just about power, and power has nothing inherently to do with willies. So there. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a gal with steely determination and killer aim – especially when she is not pointed at me. Happiness is a warm gun, being held by a hot lady.

Elizabeth MitchellAnna TorvYvonne StrahovskiSarah ShahiKeira KnightleySummer GlauLena HeadeyEva MendesPam GrierJodie Foster

Suck it, Monday

I know I should wait until Thursday, I know I should. I mean, if Tilda Swinton isn’t the living, breathing embodiment of Gender Fuck Thursday, then the words have no meaning to me anymore. But, sometimes you need a little of Thursday (or even Wednesday or on those most terrible of weeks Tuesday) on Monday. Granted, it would be greedy to wish for a Friday on Monday. But, what the hell, I’m a greedy fucking bastard. You know what else I’m greedy about? Beautiful women being beautiful. And, for the photo snob in me, it helps it they’re being beautiful in black and white. See? Greedy.

Old School TildaIf I was that horse, I’d lick her, too.

Marion CotillardBoy may not, but this girl definitely makes passes at girls who wear glasses.

Helen MirrenNever mind that other Lady, meet Dame Gaga.

Cate BlanchettMaking a joyful noise never looked so joyful.

Rachel WeiszI’ll let you know when I regain the ability to speak…

Pam GrierWhen all else fails, just beat the shit out of Monday until it complies.

Pre-Pre-L: Girls in Tight Dresses

Oh, kittens, kittens. Sometimes the heavens open up and drop manna into your lap. And by manna, I mean the girls of “The L Word” in those proverbial tight dresses. While no one is dragging with mustaches just yet, give Max time. The character and group promo pictures for the sixth and final season are in and they're, well, they're kind of crazy. As in crazy hot. But, um, is it just me or do they all kind of look like models for a new TLW cut-out paper doll collection? Granted, I'm not grumbling. Pictures of beautiful women? Yes, Mama Chaiken, may I have another?

[Click any and all to enlarge and don't forget the link love.]

Jennifer BealsBette in a hot dress and a pair of Louboutins? Hold on. I've got something I've got to do...with my hands...for a minute. Though, hey, where is her other arm? Is Tina behind her?

Laurel HollomanTina, while your mini is just long enough so I can't quite see London or France, I can see your tattoo. Does Bette know?

Leisha HaileyNobody move, Alice has been attacked by a 1980s prom dress. Don't frighten the bubble skirt or it'll pull a pair of jelly sandals or a can of Aqua Net from its depth and hurl it at your head.

Kate MoennigOh, thank God, Shane is looking very Shane today again.
That whole dress thing was weirding me out.

Pam GrierAll we are saying, is give Kit some lines. “Baby girl!” doesn't count.

Rachel ShelleyStealing money, going to jail, fleeing from jail, returning from fleeing and buying a lesbian nightclub agrees with you, Helena.
So does fringe.

Rose RollinsDear Tasha. Back that thing up. Love, lesbians everywhere.

Still not everyone got the new paper-doll treatment. (Serious, it's custom-made for naughty Photoshopping.) Poor Max, Phyllis and Jodi had their Season 4 promos recycled and Photoshopped to fit the shoot's black is the new black color scheme. I've put them all together, for the sake of expediency and to prove my Photoshopping point. Though, since no one necessarily wants to see this particular threesome, I've left the naughty bit out.

Mama Chaiken did make sure to include a promo shot of herself – in a tank top no less. Sometimes Ilene makes this shit too easy.

Now, before you throw your dog-eared copies of “Lez Girls” at my head, no – there was no promo of Mia Kirshner yet. This is either a simple oversight or a ridiculously unsubtle bit of foreshadowing. But, given the final group shot has both a sunset in the distance and a pool in the foreground, I'm going to assume that “subtle” is not part of the marketing department's vocabulary.

So, ladies, please enjoy. I'm anxiously awaiting your naughty Photoshop creations. Don't let me down, internets.