My Weekend Crush

Granted, this is kind of an unorthodox Weekend Crush in that it’s not actually a person. Details, details. But my lust for this sexy little number knows no bounds. iWant it, iWant it bad. Plus given the iPhone’s clean lines, seductive styling and inherent multitasking abilities, it’s clearly a woman. I cannot tell you how much I’ve geeked out over this phone in the past few weeks. But, alas, I was not in line with the even geekier hordes Friday. As much as I want to hold the hotness in my hot little hands, I know I shouldn’t. Let my rational mind tell you why not while my id keeps drooling at the thought of caressing the cold, smooth touch-sensitive screen. 1) It costs $600. 2) Version 2.0 will be even cooler. Must fight it. Must be strong. Must…look how pretty. Dammit. Resistance is futile. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: I make no excuses for the ridiculousness of this crush. It’s ridiculous. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real. I went to fondle touch one for myself this weekend. Fucking-A. All I can say is thank God they were sold out. I’ll see if I can hold out for 2.0. But, when you see things like this, it makes it really, really hard.

Nip/Tuck gets lez jobs

Rosie O’Donnell and Portia de Rossi will both have recurring roles the fifth season of the FX drama Nip/Tuck. Geez, perhaps they should rename the show Lez/Tuck. Portia makes her return to prime time as -- wait for it, wait for it -- a lesbian! Wow, the casting director really broke the mold on that one. Actually, she will play a “manipulative lesbian mother whose teen daughter wants to have plastic surgery.” A manipulative lesbian mother? Is that the latest in “crazy mother” chic? Does this mean that stage moms and cheerleader moms are now officially over?

As for Rosie’s role, she will reprise her turn as lottery winner Dawn Budge (who memorably got it on with Christian…and by “memorably” I mean “forever painfully seared onto my retinas”). Word is she won’t say a word when she returns:

“Rosie will come to Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy for a procedure where she will end up having to have her mouth sewn shut! She's forced to communicates with them through a dry erase board.”

Wait, did Bill O’Reilly write this script? In other (more verbal) Rosie news, the comic won’t be telling folks to “Come on down!” anytime soon. After saying she wanted to hold Bob Barker’s mic, Rosie decided the price of uprooting her family to L.A. was wrong and nixed her campaign to host “The Price is Right.” Oh, and despite what the NYT says, View ratings are down since Ro left. Some 400,000 viewers down. File that one under “Duh.”

Jodie’s gift

This may be one of my favorite Jodie Foster posters ever. Jodie, a gun and a hint of belly. What is not to love? I’ve already drooled all over the beyond intense trailer for “The Brave One” and now the film’s stark-yet-stunning one-sheet (click above to enlarge) is making me think Sept. 14 can’t come fast enough.

Speaking of Jodie, she just made an “extraordinarily generous gift” to The Trevor Project, the nation’s only 24-hour suicide prevention hotline for gay and questioning youth. Jodie’s gift went toward a campaign to create the Randy Stone Call Centers, named in memory of one of project’s founders who passed away in February. Randy Stone was also Jodie’s best friend and an Academy Award-winner in his own right. You may recall Jodie choking up while honoring him during this year’s In Memoriam segment at Oscars.
This isn’t Jodie’s first foray into supporting a gay organization. She was thanked in the credits of the short film “Trevor,” which Stone produced and won an Oscar for. The short was the impetus for The Trevor Project and tells the story of a 13-year-od boy who comes to terms with his sexuality while acknowledging his love of Diana Ross and the school jock. Jodie’s new donation is the largest in the organization’s history. Simply, bravo. Is it September yet?

Sweet like ‘Candy’

I think we can officially say that Mandy Moore is proving me right. I have a new girl crush. It’s so unexpected, yet so sweet.

Kelly lets her eagle soar

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Listen, hon, you know I love you. Anytime “Miss Independent” or “Since U Been Gone” comes on in the car, I sing along at top volume until the people I pull up next to at stop lights start looking at me funny. I love your openness and assertiveness. I love that you seem like a real person. And I really love that you believe a Diet Red Bull and pack of cigarettes does not constitute dinner. But these pants, dear God, these pants. Seriously, what is up with all the unfortunate bottom half choices of late? Why are these pants so wrong, you ask? Let us count the ways. First, there is an eagle on your crotch. If that doesn’t scream out for some kind of “let the eagle soar” pun, then nothing does. Secondly, they seem to badly fit to your body type. This means they emphasize all the wrong areas and sag off of the right ones. And thirdly, they look like they’re pinching the heck out of you in some very private places. I mean, just look at the way they’re making you jump around.

Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals, Part II

No, sadly, this isn’t the photographic evidence of a Pride well spent. Instead, this is the latest installment in the occasional SGALGG series (I chopped off the AHTTD because, damn, that was unwieldy). Anyway, this edition features Rosario Dawson canoodling with Asia Argento in Italy. I kind of feel like I’m cheating with this entry of SGALGG (which totally sounds like the noise you make when choking on a crouton). Rosario is a repeat offender (one more appearance and all signs point to gay) and I vaguely remember reading that Asia was bisexual (Googling “Asia Argento” and “bisexual” only got me hearsay…anyone have a link to the real deal?) Right, so that was a lot of analysis for a pretty simple set up: Two girls, a wall, many cocktails and a willingness to play to the camera. Enjoy.

Helena’s milkshake

Can we just talk about this picture for a minute? Now, I love me some Helena Bonham Carter (despite the fact that the longer she stays with Tim Burton, the more she starts to resemble the witch who lives under your staircase and feeds on the dreams of children…but in a nice way). Her China doll face is a perfect compliment to whatever Victorian, gothic, magical, ape role you throw at her. Still this new portrait raises an eyebrow. Why? Well, it’s all about context. The Associated Press took this picture of Helena as a promo for “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.” Ostensibly, this means that this is the shot of Helena that family newspapers across the country will be running with their Harry Potter features. To which I say, bahwah? Cause this shot does not say, “Come see this great children’s movie!” It says, “Hold the cookies, just gimme the milk!”

p.s. Apparently, I’m all about the milk and cookies today.

My Weekend Crush

In honor of Pride (theme, people, I’ve got a theme!), I thought I’d pick an out Crush for this weekend. I mentally clicked through the usual suspects: Ellen, Rosie, Melissa, k.d., Martina. But I kept coming back to the girls, the Indigo Girls. Yes, I know, listening to the Indigo Girls is as cliché as flannel and Birkenstocks. But, you know what, I used to wear a lot of flannel. And Birkenstocks. Clichés are clichés for a reason. Amy Ray and Emily Saliers were some of the first artists I adored who I consciously knew were lesbians. Still it wasn’t their sexuality that spoke to my high school heart, but their harmonies. So pure, so simple, so true. I think I wore “Rites of Passage” down to a nub. Their songs about love, loss and longing articulated emotions I had yet to really feel. But thanks to them, I at least had a glimpse of what laid ahead.

While their albums don’t get the same play they used to in my regular rotation, every now and then I put one on let the music waft over me like honeysuckle-scented nostalgia. And then suddenly I’m alone again in my old bedroom on a humid Midwestern night with firelies putting on a light show outside my window, listening to Amy and Emily tell me about that place in Minnesota where you can walk across the Mississippi with only five steps down. Damn, where did I put all those flannel shirts anyway? They were comfy. Happy Pride and weekend, all.

All gay, all the time

In honor of Pride Weekend (holla, San Francisco!), I’m making today’s post a veritable Festival of Gayness. No tidbit is too trivial, no morsel too minuscule, as long as it’s as queer as the day is long. And that’s pretty gay considering yesterday was the longest day of the year. Now, let’s get this homo train rolling.

Go Team Gay!

Twenty-year-old actress Lyndsy Fonseca (previously seen on “How I Met Your Mother,” “Big Love” and “The Young & The Restless”) will join the super-powered spectacular “Heroes” next season as April the gay cheerleader. The pom-pom princess will be the “sweet” girl to other new cheerleader Debbie’s “mean” girl. Both are expected to be classmates of invincible cheerleader Claire at her new school in Southern California . Is it just me or does Lyndsy need to buy a vowel?

Jenny Gets An Assistant

Dammit, this means she doesn’t stay lost at sea. In the first L Word casting news of the new season, Malaya Rivera Drew has been picked to play Jenny Schecter’s assistant. Malaya has had roles on “ER” and “Las Vegas.” This move is sure to mean more Crazy Jenny screentime. I can see it now: “Assistant, fetch me my medium triple soy cappuccino with three pumps of vanilla.” “Assistant, clean up Sounder’s boo-boo.” “Assistant, bring me the head of the Vagina Wig…and a Vitamin Water.”

The Lesbian Has Left the Kitchen

Wow, that was quick. Gay Top Chef contestant Sandee Birdsong got booted this week for poaching her lobster. Sadly, that’s not a euphemism for something naughty. In honor of the departed Sandee, a look at her great moments in fauxhawk above.

But Another Lesbian Is Still Standing

“Last Comic Standing” contestant Sabrina Matthews made it to the next round in the premiere episode of the NBC reality series. I love that she is a big, cuddly dyke with the wee, girly name Sabrina. Fantastic. Plus, she is damn funny. Even more fantastic. See, lesbians do have a sense of humor. Hey, stop laughing.

Ro Replaced By a Mo?

Will Rosie’s replacement be a gay man? Yeah, that’s what they need on that show -- more bitchy energy (love ya, boys, kisses!). Two fancy fellas in particular are being mentioned as possible co-hosts on the coffee klatch: Mario Cantone and Ross Mathews. Mario was Charlotte ’s best gay on “Sex and the City” and Ross is Ross the Intern from “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.” Hmm, I’m not necessarily opposed to a gay guy filling Rosie’s chair, but I thought the whole point of “The View” was to show the diversity of women’s perspectives by discussing the important and not-so important news of the day. I mean, I thought that was what it was about. I don’t really know; I stopped watching after Rosie left.

The FCC Hates Pride

Seems men in feather boas and women in assless chaps are just too much for the good old FCC. San Francisco independent station KRON has moved its live broadcast of the Pride Parade from basic cable channel to digital cable (plus a live internet stream). The change was made because the station’s broadcast license was up for renewal. Oh, FCC. You allowed “ Walker , Texas Ranger” to air happily for 10 fucking seasons but the poor gays can’t get their party on once a year? Puh-lease. Plus, this broadcast is pretty much the only way I ever get to see the Dykes on Bikes roar their traditional start to the parade come Sunday morning, since we’re all still too drunk, hungover, sleepy damn lazy to actually get up and go to Market Street and cheer at such an ungodly hour. Hey, 10:30 a.m. is ungodly the night after Pride. Trust me.

Taking this weekend’s festivities into account, I might be tardy with my posting on Monday. The old body doesn’t bounce back quite as quickly as it used to. Now, go, get your gay on. Just remember to stretch first.

When yogurt goes bad

Sometimes, I think I should add a “Things That Are Wrong” tag to the site. But then I realize, damn, that’d be a lot of things. Anyway, file this Brazilian ad campaign for light yogurt as one of those things. The shots recreate famous movie moments (Mena Suvari in “American Beauty,” Marilyn Monroe in “The Seven Year Itch,” Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct) with plus-sized models. The tagline reads: “Forget about it. Men’s preference will never change. Fit Light Yogurt.” Gee, that’s not offensive at all. I happen to think the ladies look pretty damn good. Lovely even. And the composition of each shot is brilliant. As if we needed more reminders that a billion-dollar industry’s sole objective is to make us feel shitty about ourselves so we’ll buy their crappy products. Sigh. Well, since “men’s preferences” aren’t really top priority here at Surrenders, let’s just celebrate Real Beauty instead.

p.s. This ad totally made me cry during the Super Bowl.

My, what big Lesbian Qualities you have

Score another convert to Team Pink. Coral Smith from “The Real World: Back to New York” and about a bazillion Real World/Road Rules Challenges/Infernos/Battle of the Idiots Sexes has come out in an interview with Outlook Magazine. (Has anyone ever heard of this magazine? Is it a free glossy you get at the gay travel agency?)

Coral’s main function on past shows seemed to be -- if you will allow me to be eloquent for a second -- starting shit. She was a fighter, not a lover. Or perhaps a lover of a fighter. Or perhaps she was just a girl who liked to get all up in other people’s b’idness. At least, that’s what I could tell from the brief moments I landed on and was too lazy to click away from the televised trainwreck of 20-somethings drinking, getting naked, calling each other names and then hooking up, preferably in a hot tub.

Coral’s coming out was equally eloquent:

What is your sexual orientation? You dated men on Real World.
“Oh, yeah. It’s very cloudy at this point in time. I’m definitely venturing toward my lesbian qualities…”

Venturing toward my lesbian qualities? Dammit, if I’m not going to have to start incorporating that into my everyday conversations. I think I’ll start this weekend at Pride. “Hey, check out the Lesbian Qualities on that girl!” Or, “Hey, baby, want to take a venture at these Lesbian Qualities?” Fantastic, thank you, Coral. You’ve inadvertently added a whole new euphemism to the lesbian vernacular. And, considering that maddening mess of an interview, (seriously, read the wacky), it might be the only thing we’ll be thanking you for for quite a while. So enjoy. In lieu of a toaster oven we’re sending a toaster. Just in case.

Barbara wants her sex talk

Yes, in case you were wondering, it is Lesbian Talk Show Host Day here at Surrenders. Mark your calendars for next year. Anyway, TV’s other (former) LTSH Rosie O’Donnell and her (former) Viewmates are back in the headlines and now the feud is being framed as “Heteros vs. Homos.” Were that I was kidding.

Last week, Barbara Walters told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that Rosie’s departure meant the ladies could now turn “The View” into the Cinemax After Dark show they always hoped for:

“The Hot Topics have been fun. There are some things that we were able to discuss that we weren’t able to discuss with Rosie, like heterosexual sex. Because, you know, Rosie’s lifestyle is different, being an open lesbian...We are perhaps not quite as political [or] vocal about [things], but the Hot Topics have been very fun, and the ratings are up, so we're quite happy. Obviously, the audience is very loyal.”

So. Many. Issues. First, calling it a “lifestyle,” Barbara, really? Second, the ratings are up, really? Last, but not least, trust me when I say that no one straight or gay wants to hear you talk about the joys of penis-vagina sex. Really.

Rosie responded on her blog with a, “She is almost 80.” Snerk. Then on Friday she posted a lovely video montage of the good times on “The View” with plenty of smiling shots of Elisabeth Hasselbeck. On Sunday night she played a True Colors Tour show and joked with the crowd on a number of topics and then said:

“I got to tell you, I’ve been hanging around with those heteros for a full year and it’s not fun. Turn around one minute and they'll stab you in the back with a high heel. They will.”

Well, so much for the afterglow. Actually, since we’re not given any real context to Rosie’s quote, I tend to think she was kidding. Considering the event (a gay rights concert), the crowd (gays and supporters) and the month (hello, Gay Pride!), this just seems like one of those things we’ve all said when around family and joking about those crazy breeders. They so crazy. For evidence, please see Barbara Walters above.

When bad suits happen to good people

Listen I know that I’m late to the party and the last one left at the bar when it comes to Ellen’s big Daytime Emmy Awards wins. But I just felt I needed to bend the Big E’s ear for a minute, because I know how much she values my opinion.Ellen, darling. I love that you have like 16 million Emmys at home. I love that you planted a big old wet one on Portia when you won, again. I love that you gave Rosie a shout out and said “The View” should have won the shiny, sharp weapon award this year. And I LOVE that you always wear suits.Sadly, I do not love this suit. And the shoes, they’re not helping. No one should feel like Col. Sanders’ gay brother on her big night. I don’t care how much you love fried chicken, that’s just wrong.

What’s cooking?

Here is something you might not know about me: I love food shows. Loves them. The Food Network is pretty much my white noise, particularly when I’m working. But my obsession with cooking shows is rather hilarious considering I am a notorious non-cook. My best dish? Scrambled eggs. Yeah, let’s just say the kitchen isn’t really my arena. But I think that’s exactly why I’m fascinated by the shows. Cooking is an art form I admire endlessly, but sadly have no natural talent for. Also, I like food.
Still, one of my favorite food shows isn’t even on the Food Network. Instead, it’s Bravo’s “Top Chef.” I am addicted. It’s like a serialized version of “Iron Chef” with more contestants and Padma Lakshmi. How can you beat that? The series has also consistently boasted a lesbian or bisexual chef among its ranks. This season that honor (as well as the award for the most hipster hair) goes to Sandee Birdsong. Go team Lesbos! But, back to Padma and why she helps make the show like crack or, better yet, French fries (since I’m not addicted to drugs, but I am seeking an intervention from salt and grease). The Indian actress/model/ cookbook author/wife of novelist Salman Rushdie has a serene quality that hypnotizes you into a zen food coma. Plus, the woman is easy on the eyes. Beautiful women, spiky-haired lesbians and gourmet food? Seriously, how can you beat that?

My Weekend Crush

There is something both very sharp yet very vulnerable about Catherine Keener. This isn’t the whimpering subservient kind of vulnerability one might expect, but a vulnerability born from an earnest awkwardness about herself. Not that Catherine isn’t confident or competent. Quite the contrary. Still she seems wholly uninterested in the superficial machinations of Hollywood. (Catch her in a rare interview here and here.) Sadly, for too long Hollywood seemed wholly uninterested in her completely unsuperficial talents.

Her early career included appearances in roles like “Cocktail Waitress,” “Trucker’s Girl” and “Steve’s Secretary.” Then, she stumbled into indie film, a niche where she blossomed in small endearing pictures like “Living in Oblivion,” “Walking and Talking” and “Box of Moonlight,” And then, then came “Being John Malkovich.” It was the smack on the forehead we’d all been waiting for. Here was this smart, sexy woman capable of both scorching sting and sly sweetness. Simply sensational. I consider her one of the most consistently brilliant working actresses to have never won an Oscar. But, give her time. And, if all else fails, I’d be willing to smack a few Academy voters on the forehead on her behalf. Happy weekend, all.

Ellen’s house of cards

Staring Monday, you can say it with Ellen instead of boring old flowers. Ellen DeGeneres’ American Greetings line of 32-assorted cards hits store shelves next week. As you can see, The Great Panted One appears on the cards in her signature slacks, sweaters/button ups and Chucks. This promo reads: “Your birthday makes me wanna dance!” And continues inside to say: “Which is weird because I’m in line at the DMV and now everyone’s staring at me. Enjoy your day!”

Hmm. While the card is pretty cute and fairly funny, I also think it’s just a little weird. Are there other lines of celebrity greeting cards featuring the star’s likeness? (I’m too tired to Google, someone please enlighten us in the comments section.) I guess it shouldn’t be any weirder than giving your mom a card from that crabby blue-haired lady Maxine by Shoebox. And I’m all for having America’s favorite lesbian next door express our birthday greetings for us. Plus, Ellen will say your thank yous for you at the bargain price of $2.79. Still, I can’t help thinking it’s a tad strange. Or perhaps it’s just a sign that our celebrity-obsessed culture has breached one of the few places it hasn’t invaded yet: Our most intimate communications of love, celebration and thanks.

What the L?

Uh, what and the hell? Words, I can’t find the words. Virtual lesbianism? Online pride parades? Altoids? Pirates? Mommy, I’m scared… Earlier this year the marketing geniuses at Showtime partnered “The L Word” with the 3-D digital world of Second Life to create a Sapphic virtual community. This month, in honor of Gay Pride, they’re rolling out a series of parades and parties.That’s right, you too can gussy up a virtual avatar and meet other L Word fans with high speed internet access and an abundance of free time who apparently can’t make it to a flesh-and-blood parade. The whole she-bang (puns! puns!) is sponsored by Altoids, as you might have guessed by the big honking ALTOIDS banners, flags and billboards everywhere (don’t get me started on the Altoids can with legs wandering around…creepy). From what I’ve seen, this whole thing is freaky enough to actually scare a person straight. The crazy equality warrior with her beheaded spoils of war is enough to send me into therapy.I guess we should consider this progress, since only last week the Showtime marketers finally declared that lesbians were people. So now they’ve declared lesbians both people and virtual people. And pirates. And tin cans. Seriously, what the hell?

Bone collector

My, Rachel Weisz, what lovely bones you have. Sorry, sorry. The pun was there and I had to take it. It’s a compulsion. I’m seeking help, really. But enough about me, back to the radiant Ms. Weisz. Rachel has signed on to the Peter Jackson-helmed big screen adaptation of “The Lovely Bones.”

The 2002 best-selling novel by Alice Sebold is told through the eyes of a Susie Salmon, a 14-year-old girl who was raped, murdered and dismembered and is now looking down on her loved ones (and her killer) from heaven. Yeah, it was a doozy. Still despite the macabre subject matter, Sebold’s novel was a quietly riveting and calmly reflective read. It even had a lesbian character in the form of Susie’s friend Ruth. I was fully engrossed until the very end when Susie and Ruth pulled a Swayze-Whoopi body swap à la “Ghost.” I mean, I know it’s hard to come up with a good ending, but what the hell?

Anyway, in the film adaptation Rachel will play Susie’s mother. Reports have said that her role will be expanded, since from what I can recall from the book the mother’s presence became more peripheral after she and her husband separated. No word on who has been cast as Susie yet, or whether Ruth’s lesbianism will make it into the movie. Director Jackson has handled gay overtones before in his work, notably in “Heavenly Creatures.” Of course, those girls ended up beating one of their mother’s to death with a brick, sooooo, yeah. But the signing of Rachel definitely classes up the whole affair. Who knows, maybe in the not-so-distant future the Oscars will become a Bone yard. Oh, the puns. Seriously, I can’t help myself.

Buffy #4: No place like home

The fourth issue of the Buffy season 8 comic came out last week. It closes “The Long Way Home” story arc penned by Joss Whedon. That Joss is as big a feminist as ever, getting in sly digs at our still sexist culture. To wit, my favorite panel from the last issue:

(SPOILERS, SPOILERS WILL ROBINSON!)
In the issue we see the return of Warren. Yes, that Warren, the guy who killed Tara and later was flayed alive by Willow. Turns out he survived with the help of ex-rat, current-witch Amy. He tries to exact revenge on Willow (lobotomies, they’re not just for the insane anymore), but our gal Buf saved the day and through some mystical hooha Will gets to keep her frontal lobe intact. Now, I appreciate any crumb of Buffy goodness I can get. But I have to say the comics pale in comparison to the show. While I can hear the cadence and attitude written into the dialogue (hell, I even imagine all of the characters voices as I read them), it just doesn’t translate as sharply on the page. Also, I’m a little confused by the storyline. So, let me get this straight, now the entire United States military and human race wants to fight Buffy and her Slayer Army? Anyone else confused? No, just me? Fine.
(SPOILERS AVERTED, COME ON BACK)

Regardless of any possible confusion on my part, reading the comics is a welcome return to a genre I once loved. As a girl, I used to sit in the grocery store and happily read the comics as my mom shopped. I had a whole collection, from superheroes to Little Orphan Annie. But, then I stopped. Adolescence was a big cause. I went from Spider-Man to Tiger Beat (hey, don’t judge; you read them, too). Yet, I never came back as an adult, largely because I felt the genre had passed me by. It wasn’t because of my age, but instead because of my gender. I mean, how many women with breasts the size of watermelons and waists the size of twigs do you have to see before you go, “Oh, I get it; this is just for boys!”?

I thought this post at The Huffington Post summed up the whole sorry situation nicely. Which brings me back to Joss and why he, basically, rocks. In Buffy we have a powerful woman who is purposely not drawn like a pornographic fantasy. This isn’t a just for boys. It’s for anyone who likes strong characters. Plus it’s a reminder that just because comic characters are superhuman, doesn’t mean they have to be suspersexualized.

Hips don’t lie

Now that her girlfriend best friend Salma Hayek is pregnant and engaged, poor Penelope Cruz has to look elsewhere for her girl-on-girl action girls’-night-out fun. Lucky for us, Shakira was happy to step in where Salma left off. Or, at least, that is how it’s playing out in my head. What? Come on, you know it’s true. I mean, they’re already color coordinating. That’s, like, Step 4 in the “Lesbian Relationship Handbook," under the chapter How to Become Gay Twins. Look it up, it’s in there.

Shining through

The True Colors Tour started this weekend and since Cyndi and I are likethis I thought I’d share a little glimpse of the tour so far. Talk about your fabulous gay fiesta. Cyndi and Rosie and Indigo Girls and Dresden Dolls, oh my! Though, Rosie. Ro. Honey. Darling. Your feet. What is on your feet? A black pantsuit with yellow Crocs? I know they’re comfortable, but seriously. When you walked out all the gay boys in the crowd must have done a collective, “Ooh, girl, no she di’nt!”

My Weekend Crush

In honor of the fantastic AfterEllen Hot 100 List (the gay women’s emphatic response to the Maxim Hot 100 List -- oh, don’t get me started again), I thought I’d pick one of the many, many hotties from the bunch for My Weekend Crush. Thirteen of the 100 have already been crushes, including the reigning No. 1 lovely Leisha Hailey. [See them all in a slideshow of hotness here.] What I find most fascinating about the list is the spectrum of what we find sexy. From Sarah Shahi to Susan Sarandon, Queen Latifah to Natalie Portman, Emma Thompson to Sandra Oh. Seems we believe in mixing smart with our sexy. We think great accomplishments are as alluring as a great rack. We want more than eye candy; we want mind candy. Like I said, fantastic. Then I realized, with all the options on there it would be nearly impossible to choose just one. How could I pick between Emma and Susan? Rachel Weisz and Clea Duvall? Jorja Fox and Meryl Streep? So, instead, I picked the whole damn list. That’s right, all 100. Even the ones I’m not so sure about. (Uh, Lindsay, seriously?) Cheers to the AfterEllen gals, who are quite the foxy bunch themselves. I mean, damn, have you seen the brains on those ladies? Smokin’. Happy weekend, all.

Forget Paris

As much as I think it’s ridiculous that Paris Hilton was sprung from jail after serving only three days (oh, sorry, five days by LA County’s wonky math) of a 23-day sentence, I’m almost more incensed by cable news’ salivatory coverage of her release than her actual release. The OUTRAGE! The ANGER!! The MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE!!! Never mind the completely bogus war we’re fighting overseas where thousands of young men and women have died for a lie. Never mind the continual and soon-to-be irreversible damage we’re doing to our planet as we choke the atmosphere with greenhouse gases while covering our eyes to our culpability. Never mind the racism, sexism, homophobia and other fun –isms and –obias that still bring untold pain and suffering to people whose only crime is living their lives as who they are. No, apparently what we should really be mad about is Paris fucking Hilton. Sigh. This world makes me weary sometimes.

UPDATE: Now Paris is back in jail and the TV news is peeing itself with glee. One talking head even squealed, “This is a great day for America!” Why, because some inexplicably famous heiress whose trial and subsequent sentencing have become a media clusterfuck of Wagnerian proportions is now headed back to jail the day after an inept system let her out? This is not a great day for America. This is an embarrassing day for America. Period.

No more house calls

“Grey’s Anatomy” doc and resident f-bomb hurler Isaiah Washington has been fired and will not return to the show next season. And so ends an ugly saga for the country’s top-rated drama. What I hope people take away from this whole mess is that if you throw gay slurs at co-workers, then -- eventually -- not even a mea culpa in the form of a gay-friendly PSA will save your job. Which, really, is how it should be.

Worst. Pants. Ever.

Here are three words I thought I would never in my life string together: assless jean chaps. Taken individually, they all could have potential for fun and sexiness. Assless? Well, who can argue with that? Jeans? Great, I happen to be wearing a comfy pair right this very minute. And chaps? Woo hoo, ride ‘em little cowgirl. But taken together they are perhaps the most horrendously ridiculous and stratospherically unsexy thing I have ever seen. I can only imagine what Brooke Hogan was thinking as she pulled those puppies on, being careful not to catch her foot on one of the flaccid, dangling legs and rip it off thereby turning the outfit into a lopsided blue jean garter belt. Which, now that I think about it, would have been infinitely more attractive than actually wearing these insane assless jean chaps.

UPDATE: Since you asked so nicely, here they are from the front. Clearly, they’re idiotic from any angle. No, just no.

Hey mo, hey Carrey

Jim Carrey in a movie pitched as “Brokeback Mountain” meets “Catch Me If You Can?” You would think I pulled that description out of a “Mad Libs for Movie Producers” book, but oh no. It’s real. Hell, I couldn’t make up something that crazy if I tried. The rubber-faced funnyman has signed on to star in an adaptation of the book “I Love You Phillip Morris.” It tells the real-life story of Steven Russell, a married Texas family man who goes to prison and then falls madly in love with his cellmate. When his cellmate is released, Russell escapes from prison four times to be with him. It is being billed as a dark comedy with hints of “Bad Santa.” Like I said, crazy, right?

Now, I am not really a Jim Carrey fan. I mean, I have nothing personally against the guy, I just find my humor in places other than talking out of my ass cheeks. But, having said that, he starred in one of my favorite films of all time, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” So, well, I’m not sure how I feel about this film. Will the gay relationship be the butt of the its jokes or its sincere foundation? Since I haven’t read the book, I have no idea. We can only hope for the latter. But what I do know is this, if Jim is going to play a truly convincing gay boy, he needs to work on that muffin top. Seriously, even in prison the gays have standards.p.s. That “blond woman” is Jenny McCarthy, hence the boobage.